December 10, 2000 - Sunday
I was thinking... why don't we both try honesty? You were having issues with you being gay and so you stopped talking to me. I knew that when I wrote that "Tell me to fuck off. Tell me you're so far back in the closet. Tell me something" e-mail on Monday, but I wanted to believe the best in you; I wanted to believe that I was a little too important to you for you to just stop talking to me. I sent that pict of me in Disneyland on Wednesday just in case you thought I was mad at you; I wanted you to know that I wasn't. Yet late Thursday night, it was obvious you weren't go to speak to me again unless I forced you. Actually, it wasn't obvious... if it had been completely obvious, if I were SURE that you were having closet issues, it would have been better. As was, I only THOUGHT with a high degree of certainty that you were having those issues and stopped talking to me, on purpose, without ANY explanation whatsoever.
So, anyway, I wrote that e-mail. I was angry, and I wanted you to know that you weren't getting off that easily. I mean, it's one thing for you to be a closet case by yourself, but it's COMPLETELY another for you to come into my life, mess with my heart, and then just disappear without so much as an "I'm having closet case issues. Give me some space. I'll be back shortly." Treating someone like that just isn't acceptable. So, I wanted you to know, that one way or the other you were going to have to talk to me about it. Amazing, I hadn't heard from you for five days, yet less than 12 hours after I wrote that e-mail where I said I knew your address, you responded. And you started out with "Hey, i've been sick lately." Do I look that dumb? OK, you might have been sick, but you were checking your e-mail. You'd gotten my letters. You'd just chosen not to respond... and ya know, that hurt. I've had enough experience in these matters to know what was going on before you wrote back... but that didn't make it hurt any less. Thinking that someone thinks he's more attracted to you than to anyone ever one day and then having him not even return your e-mails the next... to just disappear without ANY explanation. That hurts.
So, where are we now... not at a good place. We've both lied, a lot. My e-mail about showing up at your house was one big ruse as was the one following it. I wasn't sorry about freaking you out. That was the whole point. I wanted to freak you out and therefore get SOME response, ANY response.
So, the hurt part still wants to say that you're not getting off that easily. That you either talk candidly/honestly about what's been happening in your life lately in e-mail, or I'll call, but I'm just not in the mood to threaten. So, please, give it some thought. I apologize, not for freaking you out, but for lying and feigning ignorance. I knew what was going on, but I wanted to let you tell me.
I will say that you at least need to acknowledge receipt of this letter: a simple "I got it. I read it" as if you don't, I'll again wonder if you got it... and while I'll be 99% sure that you did, the other one percent will want to call and ask.
So, I'd like to help... but I can't do it all myself. You're going to have to LET me help... IF you want to get to a place where you actually like yourself. Whaddya say, it was nice before. You wanna try starting over... and letting me know the good and the bad? I promise you'll be a happier person when we're done.
Hope to hear from you soon,
I'll be honest with u. You're a great guy. I am not ready to be in a relationship with a guy. I have been talkin to a guy from school. he's real nice we're friends right now. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but getting someone's home phone number and address without permission is wrong. Justin, think about this. I'd appreciate it if u didn't email or call or come here again. You'll find somebody, i'm sure, u won't have any trouble.
December 11, 2000 - Monday
|Subject: Just because....|
Do you realize how much you mean to me? *grin* Shut up and let me finish!! hehe Seriously.... You've touched my life in so many ways that I can't explain or help but to feel grateful for. Not in the area of being comfortable with my sexuality, but more about just how to live life in general.
Having each other helps remind each of us that there are better people out there for each of us I think. So if anything, we are very good for each other: can't let the other one fall in love with an asshole, as we both have a tendency of doing. ;-)
*laughing at myself*
I don't know.... I just want you to know that you don't have to have a wall up around me. I never want you to feel like you can't tell me something, or that you can't trust me, or that you don't have anyone in your corner. I'm not going to hurt you. Only harass you!! ;-) And I'll only harass you as much as you harass me.
Once with Marissa and now with you.... I almost feel as though we were meant to be friends; soul-friends if you will. Marissa helped me understand a deep innate part of me, and what I was looking for in that special someone else. You've shown me that there is room for me to be a better person in other areas of my life (as I thought I was perfect before). *grin* I'm still not sure what it is that you're giving me, but I know it's good. I just thank you for being one of the good...no...best things in my life.
Love you always,
|Subject: Is This Subject Unique Enough? *grin*|
When I first found your site a few months ago, I didn't know what to think. At first glance, it just seemed like another journal site that I could waste my life away visiting and reading. But after going back five years and realizing what this journal was like, and knowing that it would impact my life in some way, whether it be in a minute way or in a bigger way than most online journals do, I knew that finding "you" was the best thing that's ever happened in the few months I've had this computer. Since then, I've spent countless hours reading and re-reading all of your adventures in this journey we call life, and I have to say that it was all worth it. Ever since that moment, I've grown as a person, and it's not just because the words you wrote were so powerful, but because I knew the meaning behind them that made them so effective. I know where you've been, and I know the hurt and anguish you must feel at some points, believe me, I've been there. And knowing the fact that I was there once just makes everything so relevant, you know? And when it's relevant, it becomes something real, not just something you see on the screen. It's becomes part of you, part of your life, and that's what separates you from all the rest. You're not just some teenager out there that tells of breaking up with their partner or goes on about how "Did you know that Joey was going out with Melissa but that Melissa has a thing for Brian"... you know the drill. Thing is, you're actually out there, living life, not telling about it. You're out there experiencing the things that your "audience" does. You do the things they do. You feel the things they do. You live the life they do, and that's what makes you unique. Knowing that someone out there has the same feelings we do about the world as we know it just makes everything so worth while. Many of us spend countless hours thinking that we are alone in this world, but during that time we are so stubborn to admit that there is another person out there that is thinking the exact same thing at the exact same moment. So, technically, you are not alone, you just think you are. And it's all thanks to you, Justin, that people like me don't have to think that anymore. You've managed to do all that you've done just to help out someone else. That was your goal in the beginning, to help out someone, even if it is just one person because if you did, you would have known that you made a difference in this world. Well, I guess the whole point of this letter is to tell you that you DID make that difference in me, although I'm sure I'm not the only one. I could tell you right now that you've helped thousands of people, and you should be proud. I just managed to gather up the courage to send you this little "Thank you". Others may not be so gallant in doing so. It may just be because of the simple fact that you're THE Justin that makes them stray from hitting that "Send" button. It's almost fear I would have to say that they would be sending a message to the man that they've been idolizing for some time now. I guess if I had to make an analogy of it all, I would have to say that you're the Superstar, and they are the fan that's too frightened to go up to them and ask for an autograph. Bad comparison, I know, but I think you're smart enough to figure out where I was trying to go with it *grin*. So, bottom line, I just wanted to send this along to you to tell you that I appreciate everything that you've done not only for me, but for all your other readers as well. I know that this letter will never fully explain my feelings concerning this matter, but I think that you get the point. I'm just saying what I've been wanting to say for several months now, but never got a round to doing. I don't know what brought along this little boost of courage from me, but just as long as it reaches you, I'll know that my efforts paid off in the end, just like yours will. Wherever you're planning on going, whichever goal you're aiming for, you'll get there. I just know you will. After all, you ARE Justin. *grin*
December 13, 2000 - Wednesday
December 16, 2000 - Saturday
December 17, 2000 - Sunday - My 25th Birthday
December 24, 2000 - Sunday