Justin's Life...

~ July 2000 ~

July 2, 2000 - Sunday

Well, Jeremy is now talking but still not communicating, the bulletin board has grown into an utter mud flinging mess, and I'm leaving for Hawaii in the morning so I just don't care.

First, Jeremy: Long story short, Wednesday afternoon Jeremy and I had a knock down verbal fight via instant messenger, apologized, and then talked on the phone for a bit. Thursday and Friday we talked via instant messenger a little more, but the word ratio was about fifty to one in my favor. I ended my last IM with something about him letting me know when he was ready to be playful again. I didn't want to obliterate him with nasty speak, but I'd had enough pulling teeth in trying to get him to be happy and communicative. I did not talk to him this weekend... purely for the reason that I had no desire. No ill feelings not to talk to him, but no real desire to try to talk to him either.

Second, the bulletin board: It has grown into an utter state of mud flinging madness. People are threatening to leave, threatening to archive posts in case I delete them (which I've never done), and it has seemingly taken on a life of its own which it was never meant to have.

I mean, one of the questions I get from time to time is why I don't make the bulletin board a more prominent part of the page, that it's hard to find. I answer that it isn't a prominent part of the site, that it's there to supplement the diary. But, I'm starting to think that it does more harm than good. I really dislike that I went off in the last entry, largely prodded by a defensive stance in response to the bulletin board. And a posting on the bulletin board echoed my sentiments about the whole "I'm leaving" ordeal: "What a bunch of arrogant little babies!" I'm sorry, but I have much bigger fish to fry than to worry if someone I never met and hardly talked to no longer reads the site or posts to the bulletin board.

And an e-mail I received because of the whole bulletin board ordeal pretty much captured my with-a-clear-eye thoughts about the bulletin board, "I have never felt comfortable with an online diary having a discussion forum attached to it. A diary is a collection of personal thoughts and reflections put to paper. A diary can't be labeled 'good' or 'bad'- it is to be taken on face. You chose to make yours available to everyone, and this effort to open yourself up to the world has helped so many. It is a good thing you do. Unfortunately, a feedback loop has formed and built such strength that it has itself become a part of your diary. I miss Koool.com in that regard, with only individual emails as feedback directly to you. No conjecturing, no posturing, and no intellectual besting took place there."

The bulletin board has "built such strength that it has itself become part of the diary." That was never meant to be the case. This is about my life... not about people talking about my life. I may pull the bulletin board. I may just remove the forums for talking about my life. I may do nothing... but it's wrong for it to become so powerful an influence. My life is not a football game, where armchair quarterbacks sit on the sidelines and say what should have happened or what should be done next.

And finally: Hawaii. I leave for Hawaii in the morning with Larry, Spencer, Katie, and Mom. I am having NO deep thoughts while there, or at least as few as humanly possible. I do not know what is going to happen with Larry and I. I may still move out. I may not. I just know that my decision will not be based even remotely on Jeremy: this past week has shown me, without a doubt, that the situation with him is way too unstable to even bet on friendship, let alone something more. And part of me is really glad that whatever I do will not be based on him.

OK, just wanted to quickly deal with the "deep stuff" before heading out in the morning, when I absolutely wasn't even going to deal with it enough to write this entry. I've still got pack, so I can't quite go completely carefree just yet, but in less than 12 hours, my mind will be as carefree as a Texas cheerleader's... woohoo!


July 30, 2000 - Sunday

I got back from Hawaii two and a half weeks ago, I'm alive, and that's about all I want to say at the moment.

I will "bring you up to speed" when I resume.

Estimated time until regular diary entry intervals: 1 month

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© 2000 Justin Clouse
Justin's Life...Justin's