June 9, 2000 - Friday
June 10, 2000 - Saturday
June 15, 2000 - Thursday
|You need to close the door on me. I can't close it on you, and I can't deal with it anymore, because I know it's not going to work. Close it, and everyone will move on.|
Jeremy: ok, so I lied... I can't take it.... will you say something to me? anything? I don't care if it's 'fuck off'.... just something
Jeremy: I am sorry
Jeremy: I am really really really sorry
Justin: you obviously haven't seen the novella I've been writing
Jeremy: no, you never sent it
Justin: or seen the conversations Larry and I have had
Jeremy: no, I haven't heard that either
Jeremy: all I've heard is how much you love Larry
Jeremy: how you couldn't imagine being without him
Justin: I do and I can't
Justin: perhaps I should just send that e-mail
Jeremy: well, then I think you have your answer, no matter how much that hurts me
Justin: no, if I had my answer...
Justin: I wouldn't be buying a ticket on PriceLine.com
Justin: I don't do drama.
Jeremy: I like you... alot.... and I only don't use the word love because I know there is another level there that signifies 'love'
Justin: I sent the letter
Justin: It was written during several different times, so chronology doesn't always match
Jeremy: I care about you a lot... and it really hurts me when you are hurting... I don't want you to hurt
Justin: read the letter
Justin: pull the fucking ad
Justin: be mine.
Justin: if only for the moment
Jeremy: (reading the letter)
I read your e-mail... believe it or not, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I thought it was going to say that you were closing the door on me. I so didn't want to see that. (I wasn't going to let that happen, btw... you think I've been insistent lately; you ain't seen nothing yet. ;-) ). But wording it the way you did, your three sentence e-mail speaks volumes.
If you were 100% sure that it wouldn't work, that somehow, some way we won't end up together, you _would_ be able to close the door... but you're not 100% sure. There's still a part of you that believes it will work.
And as for me, there's a part, a considerable part, that believes a relationship between you and I will exist. If I didn't believe that, I certainly wouldn't be investing all this energy, nor would I be contemplating giving up all I do have. And while I argue that part of it is not about you, there is undoubtedly a part of my decision making that is specifically about you.
I wish I had all the solutions. I wish I knew exactly what was the right decision. I wish I had knowledge of the future to see how each possible choice would turn out. But I do not. And things aren't so clear cut for me. On one hand, I have an amazing family, with kids I love, every possible material possession I could want, and someone who takes care of me... who worries if I'm sick, who hands me a Kleenex to blow my nose if I sniffle, who knows me better than anyone has ever known me. On the other hand, I have a VERY strong desire but a lot of unknowns. I've given you all the compliments. You know all the whys of my attraction to you? Yet will you ever be free with compliments? Will I always feel like I'm begging for even the smallest of commitments? Will we be ready to kill each other after a week?
But the main question remains; the one I must decide: Is Larry more like a mentor/parent or more like a husband? If someone told you that you had to choose between your mom or your boyfriend, you'd certainly be conflicted. If someone told you that if you chose your boyfriend, you'd likely never see your mom again. Or at the very most, several years after your decision, that the two of you would only be acquaintances, having dinner once a year, you would be conflicted. Those are the real absolute certain consequences of my decision here. I have a lot to risk and a lot of unknown, but there's enough there that I'm considering it all.
I mean, I'm not quite sure you (or even I) realize how interrelated Larry and I are. At the minimal physical movement of goods, I've got truckloads of clothes, computer stuff, furniture, phone lines, a DSL connection, bank accounts, a shared CPA, and my server is in his office. It's so meshed that removing it is like removing a limb from a body.
Mentally, it's more like we're conjoined (Siamese) twins and as with the literal operation to separate Siamese twins, there's a lot of risk, a lot of possible gain, a lot of agonizing decision making, and a lot of unknown. Is my desire for a relationship where there's an intense physical attraction as well as mental attraction that strong? Can red head photo substitutes sustain me? Can I push the thoughts far enough out of my head that they don't exist? Or can I make myself believe that that perfect third will one day come along?
Ideally, I could have it all. The three of us would work in a relationship. Yet you've completely given up on the three relationship idea, so that makes my decision all the more weighty. There's a lot of great here... a LOT... if there weren't, it surely wouldn't be such a difficult decision. I ask that you reconsider, for me. I'll take things slow, I promise. But if you'd only leave it open as a possibility. I know it seems awkward, but just get to know us, move it down a notch. I so want to be with you... but I'm being torn apart. I know it's a lot to ask of you, but I'm asking. Who knows how it'll turn out, but it's worth a shot.
I really don't know what to do. Will I end up in Burbank in an apartment alone? You said before that you felt the biggest hurdle was the distance. I talked to Larry. Once I'm gone, I'm gone... no see you on the weekend, nothing. He said he wouldn't even cry. He'd put me in the space where he put Daisy, his dearly loved dog who died a few months ago. It's easier just not to think about her. To him, I would be essentially dead.
So, you in the picture, you not in the picture; the outcome with Larry does not change. I would be just as gone to him if I "simply got the urge" and left or whether I left for you. Yet I say it again, I would not be leaving for you... but to say that you don't factor into the equation is a lie.
Larry's going to NYC today, but I'm still thinking about flying to Kentucky for some time to think. I submitted a request at PriceLine.com a few minutes ago. I should know within the hour if it's been accepted.
How can I have both of these things that I desire so deeply? Is the devil I do know better than the devil I don't? What if I can never get the level of closeness I have with Larry with anyone else? It's scary. He is my rock. My stability point... and Katie and Spencer are my family, too. My mom left her first husband when her kids were younger than Spencer is now. My mom, June Cleaver/Carol Brady, did... I don't know how she did it.
Why is everything so either/or? Could I still flirt with you and win your heart, or will you lock it away if I chose to stay? Does a decision have to be made _now_? While there is an undeniable attraction between us, would it linger if no decision is made, or would you squash it?
You make me feel so great... and kissing you the other night was incredible. I adore making you smile. And while the obsession I wrote about before has subsided, I still think about you over and over and over. I don't want to lose that. I don't want you to stop thinking about me over and over and over. I know the infatuation wears off, but as I described you before, you're intoxicating.
So, I don't know what to do, or how to feel or anything. I know I hate it when you tell me just to forget about you. As though it could ever be that simple...
Jeremy: I read it
Justin: there's some major care going on for you there, buddy
Jeremy: I know... and I know I have a hard time showing it but the feeling is mutual
Justin: I know the love is there in your heart
Justin: and I also have found myself using "adore"
Justin: as to keep that L word in its place
Justin: and I know that if you'd let yourself, there's enough love for both Larry and I
Justin: sure, they may be different kinds
Justin: just as my love for Larry is
Justin: different that the feelings I have fo ryou
Justin: but call them "like" or whatever
Justin: I love both of you
Justin: I don't know how I know it
Justin: I just know that I know it
Justin: I know you're all the things Larry's not
Justin: and he's all the things that you're not
Justin: and I'm all the things that Larry isn't
Justin: I can't bear the thought of you reposting your ad
Justin: I just know you're the right one
Justin: I KNOW IT
Justin: when you were typing before
Justin: I couldn't bare to read it
Justin: I had to e-mail, page, flag down, etc. Jim
Justin: I needed him to go to dinner with me tonight.
Justin: I needed him to cheer me up.
Justin: (Kinda ironic considering he's the one that had the crush on me when I told him about you.)
Justin: But, I just know this.
Justin: It's like every fiber of my being knows it
Justin: and I would literally drive up there just to give you a hug and drive back
Justin: I've said before that the Aladdin song, I can show you the world
Justin: keeps going through my head in regards to you
Justin: I know, with Larry, I can show you the world
Justin: the beach in La Jolla
Justin: the restaurants of LA
Justin: the shores of Hawaii
Justin: I've even cried before when thinking that Larry's older than me
Justin: and will therefore likely die before I do.
Justin: Even when we fight, we say I love you.
Justin: I want to share that with you.
Justin: I want to have that closeness with you
Justin: and I want you to be a part of that closeness with Larry, too.
Justin: With you, I don't even want to take red head's photos
Justin: You fill that need.
Justin: You're the piece that makes it all complete.
Justin: Do you hear what I'm saying? I may be a wordsmith, but this is from the heart.
Jeremy: yes, I hear what you're saying
Justin: I'm so tempted to lighten things with humor.
Justin: But I don't want to.
Justin: I want to make sure you realize
Justin: the passion behind the words.
Justin: The sincerity cannot be lost.
Justin: I do not want to lessen it.
Justin: Jim will be here shortly.
Justin: I will have to go
Justin: I won't stop thinking about you
Justin: please don't stop thinking about me
Justin: Jim's at the door
Justin: I have to go
Justin: but you're here
Justin: in my heart