November 23, 2000 - Thursday - Thanksgiving 5:51PM
For the past few weeks, I've been asked where I was going for Thanksgiving, and for the past few weeks, my answer of "nowhere" has worried everyone who asked. I followed my response by saying that I'd treat it like any other Thursday, and well, it's 5:52PM and I'm doing fine. I'm actually washing clothes, watching TV, and cooking a turkey for myself right now. In fact, the only thing that might get me going on some overly sentimental mind path is writing the entry here.
So moving right along...
Dang, I did it. I jinxed myself. I was seriously entirely fine until I wrote that paragraph... and then I started thinking about everyone else sitting around the table, having dinner, eating lots of fattening food, while I'm here alone in my temporary habitat washing laundry in the "do I have enough quarters?" washing machine down the hallway and cooking a turkey which I have no possible chance of completely eating.
Now I realize just how lonely I am. Damn.
Earlier today at lunch, I was talking to Noam about this guy, Scott, who e-mailed me from Kentucky. I was going on about his thick accent, thick even to my native Kentuckian ears, and about his genuine sweetness when Noam remarked that he thought I'd probably be much more inclined to find that knight in shining armor in Kentucky than in San Diego, where I've been leaning towards moving when school is done in December. No doubt, the thought has gone through my mind... but each time it is countered with the idea that moving back to Kentucky would be admitting defeat.
Of all the people that I've known who've moved somewhere else then returned home, it's not been because of "choice," but rather because of their inability to succeed in the big city. In my mind, moving back to Kentucky would not be an indication of preference, but rather that indication of defeat. "I could handle the big city when Larry was around, but it was just too much for me to handle alone." Indeed, the idea of being a big fish in a small pond does have a certain appeal over being a medium fish in a large pond, but I don't think I'd be able to get over the feeling of defeat, of not being able to cut it, were I to move back to Kentucky now.
Yet, at the same time, a month or so ago, David asked me what about staying in the big city made me successful? Or rather, he worded it as I would be successful wherever I was... but what does the big city have to do with success? That thought, that question, has been going through my mind repeatedly since he asked it. And more importantly, am I happy in the big city now? If this is "success," do I really want it?
I mean, I think I want to move to San Diego, go high gear on making more money, then take it from there. I told myself three days ago that I was going to sit down and make a list of what I'd have if everything were ideal, but I've yet to make that list. An apartment and office in San Diego with another apartment in Kentucky, spending two weeks back and forth at each is what pops into my head initially, but how realistic is that?
And so, I'm lost, confused, and desperately trying to figure out where I'm heading.
November 24, 2000 - Friday 9:35PM
Tonight I went to the grocery and waited in line at the checkout in front of two guys buying beer. I was buying some Jiffy Pop popcorn and coming back to my apartment to watch a DVD; they were buying 60 bottles of beer and throwing a party. Needless to say, the idea of Jiffy Pop quickly lost its appeal.
Damn it, I hate feeling this way. My only solace is knowing that I've got but one month to go. On the 19th of December, I'll be flying to Kentucky, and when I get back from the break, no matter what my decision on where to live, I'll be beginning the process of moving. Three weeks to go for this destinationless purgatory. Three weeks... I can make it for three weeks.
And so, as much as I'd like to wallow in my feelings of desperation, I will not. Tomorrow, I will figure out the ideal situation, and tomorrow, I will figure out the feasible situations. Tomorrow, I will.
November 26, 2000 - Sunday 12:46PM
Yesterday was quite the positive day. In the morning, I made those lists of situations and I realized that by staggering the start date (and thereby the need of deposits, and first and last months' rents), I could have an apartment and office in San Diego, and an apartment back in Kentucky. I've yet to figure out the minute details, but it is plausible... And plausible I can make happen.
Midday, I had lunch with Noam, played guess-the-sexual-orientation-of-the-waiter, and Noam picked up the check. Then last night, I went to see Unbreakable with Alex. He paid for both the movie and dinner.
It was almost like it was my birthday... yet more important than my not picking up the check, I realized last night (ironically during the previews before the movie) that life is an adventure, and I need to embrace it. I can always return home to Kentucky in a year or two if things in San Diego don't work out, but what do I have to lose by trying? Indeed, not wanting to regret not moving out was one of the larger reasons that I did move out, so why would I choose the safer, more likely to be regretted path now? If I give up, move back to Kentucky, and never try, I'll always wonder... so what do I have to lose by trying? We only go around once, so we better do our best to experience life.
I've still got major tendencies to be that soul afraid of dying that never learns to live, but damn it, I'm gonna live. I'm my own worst enemy; I know that. I won't let myself free, but at least I recognize the problem... and ya know, I'm gonna be fine.
And talking with new guys because of the personal ads as of late has actually given me a lot of insight into who I am. I love myself... I may bitch and complain and occasionally wallow in self-pity, but I'm comfortable with who I am. I may want the situation to be different, but I'm perfectly happy with me... and I don't think I give myself enough credit for that. So many guys out there are self-loathing; bi guys, closeted guys, even lying to themselves out guys, all worried about someone finding out the true them. Changing the situation is a lot easier than changing the self-perception, and I think I've finally realized that.