February 21, 2001 - Wednesday
February 27, 2001 - Tuesday
I just wanted to write you a quick e-mail to say that I miss you... and the kids... and the ranch... and everything. It was nice talking to you the other day, too. Really nice... and I miss that.
So, who knows... I'm keeping busy, but I've yet to find anyone with whom I can feel comfortable around. I miss that a lot, too.
So, anyway, I've gotta go... heading to Silicon Valley tonight, but I just wanted to let you know... especially if my plane should happen to crash. ;-)
|<< I just wanted to write you a quick e-mail to say that I miss you... and the kids... and the ranch... and everything. It was nice talking to you the other day, too. Really nice... and I miss that.|
So, who knows... I'm keeping busy, but I've yet to find anyone with whom I can feel comfortable around. I miss that a lot, too. >>
i know the feeling. i really did think, in my soul of souls, we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, forever...so i'm the surprised one. but i am happy to have andrew, each and every day. we are in some ways closer than you and i were, but in other ways we are not as close. but then he's only been here 6 months. you were my husband..he is not. i don't know if he will be..but he is very attached to me..and it's a good feeling. his still waters run deep. he seems happier than you were, which is nice.
i think it will be very hard, maybe impossible, for you to replace what you had with me. i know there are very few of me in the world. and even fewer in the flake-a-day gay world. what passes for OK in the gay world is pathetic. but you were not happy enough, and i understand that. it's my life, and i have made it, and i can't change it for anyone. the kids, the dogs, the confusion, the stress, the circus..it's the package..it's a done deal.
i am still very much in love with that person i met in boston..remember him? he was just so sweet...so special..and so one in a billion-millions. that was the person who fell on his big fat booty on those icy steps. that is the person katie misses and spencer still askes about. but sometime that other self-center'd person would live in your body..and well i was ready for that one to leave.
the day jeremy drove in the driveway..i knew it would end, and i guess i was ready for it to end. i did nothing to stop it. there was just no point. you left a lot of unfinished business, but your journey is that, YOUR journey. it was our journey for sometime, but then it became your thing. i could do nothing to make it "better"
i don't know if you will find what you need, but good luck on it. mine is mine..kids, dogs and confusion..and i wouldn't change it if i could...i'm gonna enjoy seeing the kids all the way thru it. i'll miss a few fun weekends in vegas, but for me, it's worth it. i hope there will be time later in life for doing nothing.
good luck on your journey..i know if you were here, you'd still be unhappy at some level, unhappy even in the fresh snow at the ranch...but for me..this is the right place to be.
ps: i didn't mean to sound so sad..but i think i'm just saying what we both already know. maybe i don't need to say it, but it helps me keep it all in perspective. and it's prolly best if we don't talk about this stuff, since it isn't doing either of us any good. i know if u were here, it wouldn't be long till all your issues would return. i know you have what it takes to find quality people. and you have what it takes to love someone for real..i hope you can find someone worth loving, that's the hard part.
Steve just held me while I cried... then said he'd have to see about flying down Wednesday to go get crab cakes with me (which he subsequently bought a plane ticket to do).
It meant a lot to me that he'd do that... and I find it somewhat ironic that the comfortable love that I had with Larry is bringing me closer to Steve.
February 28, 2001 - Wednesday