Justin's Life...

~ May 2001 ~
~ May 2nd - 17th ~

May 2, 2001 - Wednesday

"What makes sex skanky?" That was the question that was going through my head last night as I went to sleep.

Earlier yesterday, I'd had dinner with Bryce, and when I left to come back to my apartment, he was leaving to meet a guy he'd met online the night before. A couple hours later, he called to say that he'd survived the meeting and that he and the other guy had fooled around, as he'd anticipated. That seemed pretty darn skanky to me.

Yet when Bryce called, I was online chatting myself, desperately hoping that a knight would have somehow lost his way and ended up in a chat room. I guess part of me was envious of Bryce and how he met the guy the night before. I'd never had the carefree reckless abandon to meet someone, fool around, and leave all within a couple hours, but another larger part just saw his activities as skanky and held them in disdain.

Anyway, I soon grew tired of chatting with losers and decided I'd take the other extreme and get my rocks off via webcam. I fired up the software, did the song and dance for a while, and soon ended up connecting one on one with a guy who saw only my chest down. We showed each other what we had for a bit then we finished. I saw him cum and he saw me cum as well. It was hot and raw and, for the most part, uninhibited. True, I didn't show my face, but under the guise of someone else, I wasn't afraid to be a little more daring and show him my ass when he asked. With a cable modem on both ends, the picture was clear and the movement in the video was quite fluid, too. I went to bed having had an awesome time, completely secure in the fact that I'd had 100% safe sex.

But when I was laying there in bed, I couldn't help wonder what made Bryce's sex skanky and mine not. Bryce had at least talked to the guy first and gotten an impression about him. I simply saw the guy, typed a few sentences, then whipped it out. Was it because Bryce's sex had more potential for disease that I viewed it as skanky? Or was it because of its more physical nature? I didn't even know the guy's name, and my webcam sex was much more anonymous. Why was I not the skank?

So, today, still unsure but having had some time to think about it, I think it's due to the germ thing. I think my parents, especially my mom, so beat into me a fear of germs that I have a paranoia. And I don't want to lose that fear entirely, but I do need to work on it. There has to be a happy middle ground between where I am now and total super slut.


May 6, 2001 - Sunday

Yesterday, I went over to Larry's house in La Jolla, and while the day was completely uneventful in the classical sense of the word, it was absolutely amazing to me. Seeing the kids and Larry again was so unbelievably special, I find myself unable to find a comparison or even the words to express myself. Spencer was so adorably cute... saying, "Help me Justin" from his playpen in his requests to get a toy he'd thrown to the dog and to get a bottle of milk. Katie was so pleased to see me, too, showing me how she'd changed since I last saw her and requesting numerous times that I spend the night as I was saying goodbye.

It was nice to see Larry, too. I still have no one in my life who comes even remotely close to filling the spot previously held by him. And even considering that I moved out and the whole circumstances regarding that, Larry and I still held a remarkable kinship. I got there around noon, and I left a little before eleven. It was just so incredibly great to spend the day with them all.

And sure, as I was leaving and Larry walked me to my car, it was sad, knowing that he'd wake up in the bed we used to wake up in together and that I'd wake up in my inflatabed alone, but I was so grateful to have spent the day there.

It meant more to me than words can describe.


May 8, 2001 - Tuesday

A week ago today, two days after I last met with Jered, he wrote me e-mail to say that he couldn't give me the time I required and that he felt it would be best if we just tried to be friends. I wrote back to say that I was actually relieved that he said it, as I'd been thinking the same thing but was holding on "just to see."

I haven't seen him since.


May 13, 2001 - Sunday

When looking through online personal ads, one often sees the term "flakes." It's almost always proceeded with the word "no," but are flakes self-aware? One knows when he is not a flake, but do flakes read personal ads and not respond when seeing the "No flakes" descriptor?

I don't know... my personal ad doesn't (yet) mention flakes, but I've hit two in a row. Thursday I was supposed to have lunch with a guy around noon. He called around 2:15PM to say that he'd gotten busy and had an interview in an hour, but he wanted to know if we could have coffee after that. He had originally called and woken me up at 8AM earlier in the week, so his "thoughtful of others" score was incredibly low. Considering that he'd called from his cell phone that 8AM and that I'd e-mailed him a confirmation of our lunch after the phone call, even after he said it wasn't necessary because he wouldn't forget, it was too low to continue. I told him I was busy.

Today, I was supposed to meet another guy for lunch around 11AM or noon. It's now 2:05PM, I've called twice, and I haven't heard from him. He had originally said he'd call me for several days in a row, but never did. Finally, I wrote, quite simply: "How 'bout you give me your phone number? :) - Justin," figuring that would be the last I'd hear from him.

To my surprise, he responded with his number, I called, and we arranged to have lunch. He seemed nice enough on the phone, engaging even, as did Thursday's guy... but I just can't understand how people can make plans for meeting someone and not follow through. Sure, I could've been waiting at a restaurant somewhere, so it could have been worse, but I just don't get it.

And so, the word "flakes" will now be appearing in yet another personal ad... but I still don't think they're self-aware.


Last Sunday, I met this guy Mike. Actually, I thought I was meeting another guy, also named Mike, but when I went into the restaurant where we were meeting, there this Mike stood. His face registered as someone whose picture I'd seen, and I introduced myself. We had dinner, I told him that I was expecting another Mike, and the next day, we met for dinner a second time.

Thursday night, we had dinner again. Friday night, we had dinner once more. Last night, we had dinner yet again. And he's coming over in a few minutes. What's unusual about all that is that I'm not sure how I feel about him. I know that he's a remarkably special person, of that I'm certain... but I haven't even gotten to the point where I really think about my feelings.

It's so fun making him happy, making his heart beat quickly, making him shake from nervousness, and making him quite literally speechless, that I haven't even begun to address my emotions. He's never had a boyfriend before, never even really dated, and so, he's incredibly appreciative of me. That does one heckuva lot in making me happy, but it's so atypical in the traditional self-centered sense of what makes someone feel good.

I've told him several times that I'm gonna break his heart, as the similarity between my first boyfriend, Adam, and him is apparent, but I like having him around. It's a nice comfortable feel... and nice comfortable feels are almost always entirely underrated.

I mean, on Friday, we had dinner at Joe's Crab Shack then went to a nearby theatre to see Bridget Jones's Diary. Unfortunately, Bridget Jones's Diary was sold out, so we bought tickets for Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles instead... but as we were walking down the hallway to enter the Crocodile Dundee theatre, I suggested to Mike that we just go into the one playing Bridget Jones, regardless of what the tickets said. He looked at me for a second then did just that, and I followed. We grabbed a couple seats and waited eagerly for the show to begin.

As the crowd continued to fill the theatre, I became increasingly nervous that we'd get caught or someone would be left without a seat. I had walked a few feet past the Bridget Jones theatre initially and paused for a split second before going inside... while a theatre employee was in plain view. I had put the tickets in my back pocket, thinking that I would say that I didn't have them if I were asked, but the movie started, a couple seats remained, and we watched what we'd wanted to see.

Afterwards, both he and I remarked about how it wasn't a big daredevil stunt for most people but how it was fun and a little rush for us nevertheless, and before the night was over, we'd both mentioned more than a few times how it was nice just hanging out.

And so, I have no idea where it's going. I'm still meeting new people in full force, but I like it.

Taken Last Night


May 14, 2001 - Monday

Dinner with Mike last night had its awkward moments, and while there have been awkward moments with him before, last night I felt rather fatalistic for even friendship. From our previous meetings, I knew that I kept the conversation going most of the time and I would get his half primarily by asking, "So what are you thinking?"

Quite obviously, saying "So what are you thinking?" gets old rather quickly... probably as quickly as hearing it does, but at dinner, the silences seemed to drag on indefinitely, and I couldn't help but think back to a response Mike had sent me in e-mail.

I had written, "Now I just have to get to know who you are... :P" after thanking him for the flowers he had given me and for dinner, and he had responded, "That shouldn't take too long...I'm a pretty boring guy." No smiley afterwards, no indication of jest whatsoever.

Was he really that boring or was his personality hidden by years of repression? That was the question going through my head as we sat in silence, as I sat wishing I was at dinner with the waiter, whose personality was brimming, and after a few minutes of virtually no communication, I spoke up.

For a good portion of the remainder of the evening, we talked about how he needed to break through that self-imposed personality blockcade. I tried a game of Truth or Dare once we got back to my apartment and it worked partially, but I'm still largely uncertain as to what role Mike will play in my life. I know I'm having a big impact on his, and like I said before, that's where my attentions are right now, but a guy can only say, "So what are you thinking?" so many times before he just stops asking.


May 15, 2001 - Tuesday

If there's one thing I think I'll never get, it's how emotions can be so easily transplanted. One week, you're the center of someone's universe. The next, he's too busy with his new guy to even really talk to you. How can such disparity exist... and more importantly, if a new center can come into being so quickly, is it the person who was the center or was it simply that a center was needed?

Last month, even after we decided we weren't dating, I talked to Steve nearly every night and he was moving to San Diego. Lately, I've hardly talked to Steve at all, and today, in response to me telling him how I missed our interaction, he told me how much he was into his new boyfriend and that he was pulling his condo off the market. He said that he hoped I understood, but he made no mention of resuming our phone calls or instant message sessions... or even that he would call me tonight.

People suck.


May 16, 2001 - Wednesday

I'm still a bit bummed about the whole Steve thing, but I'm certainly in a better mood than last night. This morning, I took my daily walk around the apartment complex, and I'm firmly on my way to losing the last twelve pounds needed to reach my goal of 170. Having started at 200 at the beginning of the year, I think I'm doing fine, even though the shedding hasn't been the quickest. I'm fairly easy on the eyes, I've got a decent brain, and I like myself. That's a lot to be glad about.

I guess, in short, I just wanted to say that while the last couple of entries have been rather down, I'm not sitting alone in my apartment feeling sorry for myself. Yesterday, I had dinner with Mike and he was a lot more talkative, and the rest of my week is pretty full, meeting new people today, Friday, and Saturday.

Shit happens, but life is good.


May 17, 2001 - Thursday

Sometimes I want to smack myself for being such a dope.

A couple weeks ago, a guy responded to my personal ad and yesterday we met for lunch. He had said in e-mail the day before we met that it was to be a platonic meeting as he had started dating someone since we'd first talked, but he had not said, however, that he was so incredibly my type; stocky, scruffy faced, cute, blue eyed, and confident enough to order a beer and an appetizer without being wishy-washy on whether I wanted one. When we got to talking and I found that he had a brain, his attractiveness increased. When he said he was a fireman and told me about his job, his attractiveness became all the more.

After finishing lunch, we walked around the mall for a bit then headed back to our cars. At first he gave me a handshake, but then a hug. I drove out of the parking lot dialing Bryce's number: I was in lust.

When I got home, I found e-mail from him thanking me for lunch and saying that he had a nice time. We sent letters back and forth for a bit then he said he could talk on instant messaging if that worked better. I downloaded and installed the program for his service, and we began conversing. We chatted for a bit, me revealing that I thought he was very attractive, then he had to go meet a friend and signed off.

A while later, after having hung out with Bryce for the night, I fired up the instant messaging software to find the object of my attraction online once more. He said hello, and armed with the newfound courage I'd gotten from Bryce, I blathered all over the place, revealing just HOW attractive I found him. It didn't go "swimmingly," though.

Instead, at one point, he said that he thought we should just be "chat buddies," regulating me back to the online only world, and at another, he told me that I shouldn't tell him how I feel about him beyond friendship. By the end of the conversation, we'd agreed to not "just be chat buddies," but I still felt completely vulnerable with my unreigned, unrequited emotions out for him to see.

In short, he had a boyfriend, so anything beyond friendship wasn't a possibility. I, of course, had wanted there to be something because I knew his first date with his "boyfriend" was only a week and a half ago. I even dared to ask how this guy could be his boyfriend after such a short time dating; he responded that they'd known each other much longer.

So, now, part of me is relieved to have gotten it out into the open, but another part of me feels like an ass. I feel guilty for having caused him any "emotional distress," but I don't regret telling him and by just telling him, the pressing desire I had yesterday has lessened considerably. I mean, I'm sure when I see him again, I'll be attracted, but it'll be far less than had I not told him my feelings.

It's amazing how just getting things out in the open does that for me.

Click here for the next set of entries.

© 2001 Justin Clouse
Justin's Life...Justin's