May 19, 2001 - Saturday
May 21, 2001 - Monday
May 23, 2001 - Wednesday
May 28, 2001 - Monday
Last night, when I got back up to my apartment, I wanted to cry... not because of any big thought but rather because I was exhausted. From taking your picture, to being pushed back down in the floor about thirty times, to not letting me cop a feel, to not going to the restaurant for dinner, to even wanting the light on in the shower, I'd been defeated or at least _repeatedly_ delayed in everything I wanted to do. I mean, take the simplest of those: the lights in the shower. I wanted the lights on. You wanted them off. You physically blocked me from turning them on or from going into the hallway to turn that light on. I tried to go. You continued to block. Finally, you agreed to let me have the candle... but only if I'd shut the door. I can't help but feel that you weren't worried about the candle and the open door making too much light, but rather you were more concerned about having control. It seemed to be that way with nearly everything.
You're stronger than me. You've got the control. I think you're amazing attractive, but sitting here now, I still want to cry. I don't want to feel defeated at the end of a day with anyone. I don't want to be physically overpowered/blocked all the time. I want to have fun with that other person. I want to share experiences, not have to bargain or plead or insist. I DO want to be that adventurer, but it's something of which I must PUSH myself, not something of which I can be PULLED.
And lest you think I only see you in a bad light, I REALLY like how you utter, "You're awesome"'s all the time. They make me feel good... special.
But I don't know you and with all the secrecy, I'm not sure what's your "routine" and what's "real." Perhaps most guys/girls are "awesome" and "beautiful." I _think_ I know your name, but I'm not even certain of that. So these are real things for me. I can't run headlong into this trusting you with so many of these in the background. I will trust you in time, but the secrecy combined with the insistence on control makes me uneasy... especially in situations like the shower.
So, anyway, I'm still attracted to you, but I needed to say this. I'm gonna have lunch and hang out with my friends today. I'll give ya a call a little later.
May 29, 2001 - Tuesday
May 30, 2001 - Wednesday
What happened with you and me? We went from talking near nightly on the phone to not talking at all. I've been busy, you've been busy, but Bryce mentioned in passing that he'd talked to you. So I guess it's just me... And I don't even know why you're not talking to me anymore? If you're going to be upset with me, at least tell me why. I mean, I'm sure I've done some assholish things, but I miss interacting with you.
I think the reason I haven't spoken with you is because when I think of the time we spent together, I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth. It was never about you and I--it was always about you and how I should act to please you.
I mean, I definitely had some good times, but most of the time I was always worrying that something I did was going to upset you. And if I wasn't worrying about that, I was trying to figure out what I did wrong to make you upset. And that's not healthy--especially since I'm trying to become more secure with myself.
And now that I'm dating someone who is so amazing and I've finally made a group of fun and supportive friends, I don't feel like I have the energy or desire to talk to you because I know it will be ALL about you.
I didn't really want things to have to come to this point (ie.. explaining the reasons why I don't feel like talking to you, but you seem like you need to know...).
Hopefully this is honest enough for your tastes...
May 31, 2001 - Thursday
|Of late in your diary, you've noticed that certain current people mirror certain former people in your life, that situations that you have today seem vaguely repetitive. Well, while I was reading your manuscript, I realized little has changed (in the man department), that you repeat the same patterns. It seems that you are stuck in some sort of rut. You keep returning to the same kind of men (although personally I think Larry was an extraordinary exception, one that I could bonk you in the head for losing :), i.e., men who have Samsonites full of luggage. This is no indictment, because I've done the same thing in my own life and it was only by accident that I broke the cycle. What I want to say is that if you want to find the solution to your present problems with men, perhaps you should read your own diary, start to finish.|