I'm in such a rut. Every morning, I wake up somewhere between 5:30AM and 7:30AM and try to go back to sleep but never succeed beyond the hypersleep level. At around 8:30AM, I begrudgingly get out of bed and walk into the living room to turn on my computer. While it's booting, I go take a piss and turn on the shower. I then come back to check e-mail and hop in the shower when I'm done. Afterwards, I towel off, get dressed, and then head back in front of the computer to stress about what needs to get done. I try to vary it, shower first then e-mail, or sometimes even no shower until around noon, but no matter if you add the eggs first or the flour, a cake's still a cake in the end.
Lately, everything just seems stale. Nothing's new or exciting or interesting. Instead, it's just routine.
Indeed, I made a "Big Global Plan For World Domination" a month or so ago, but it's just been placed in piles of crap around my desk. Ironic it seems, a goal can be made and yet so easily lost, not lost in the tried-and-failed sense of the word but lost in no longer seeing the goal. I wrote down a plan for how I wanted things to change, how I wanted to grow business, and what personal goals I had as well. And yet they're just there... on paper... with me not re-reading them or trying to follow the steps I'd outlined.
I don't know... just feeling a little lost/bored/pointless with it all. I'll recover, tho. I always do.
April 4, 2002 - Thursday 8:56AM
After seven years, it seems hard to imagine that I could be nervous about putting something in the journal, but today I've almost got butterflies at the idea. In fact, I sit here wondering if I'll be exposing too much of myself... but my writings have been entirely too down lately and my life's not all caught up being down 24/7. It doesn't give a complete picture to only highlight on the negative, and so, to even it out a bit, I thought I'd reveal a little more of myself than even I'm used to.
So here goes...
The day before yesterday, I was singing in the shower and decided I would make a little video for Jamie when I got out. Wanting it to be funny and half way demonstrate that I could sing if I really let myself, I didn't want to write the lyrics beforehand. I knew it'd be funnier that way, too.
So, I fired up the video camera and began...
But before you watch the video, it might help to know a few facts... at least it'll help me.
Neither Jamie nor I have ever had anal sex, but he has a near perfect ass and I'm finding myself coming out of the ass-curious closet. He, too, has gone from the mindset of never wanting to have anal sex to now being "ass-enthusiastic." I'm not quite sure at what level it's playful banter and at what level it's real, but his ass and what I'd do to it are constant grin-inducing topics of conversation.
Jamie is lead singer in a band, apparently a big enough one in his land of Canada to get recognized: The other day he was talking to me on his cell phone when a couple girls recognized him in the street, and last week or so, he told me about how some guy at the YMCA was talking to him about coming out with another CD while he was naked in the lockerroom. Nonetheless, his current jobs are home care worker (he "babysits" incapacitated guys, helps them with what they need, gives them baths, etc.) and working at the front desk of his friend's tanning salon to help said friend out. He used to work at AT&T collections department, but it was too nasty of a job for him. He's a simple, natury type of guy, who hasn't a big need for money. Helping out others and working on his music are more important to him than financial success.
So, with those little background infos out of the way, here's the video:
And here's a little song Jamie wrote for me about a month ago :