Ever drive a car where the alignment was off or perhaps push a shopping cart with a wayward wheel? Sometimes, it's just a minor nuisance. Other times, it's a bigger deal and you wonder if you're going to lose the battle. Lately, my life has been one of the latter... and I'm exhausted.
I keep my resolve and push forward, focusing on work some sixty to eighty hours per week, but I know were I not to be continually directing the path my life is taking, it would crash in that metaphorical ditch. But at the same time, I'm so busy not letting that happen, I have no idea where I am going, other than not to the side.
In fact, I'm about as miserable as I ever have been. Indeed, I was there long before Jay departed, but with him, I had someone with whom to pass the time and to take away the focus of the unhappiness. Now that he's gone, work has taken his place, but the facade that I present to myself and to others is so taut that I feel it will soon snap.
I tell myself that I work so extremely as to get the money to publish my book, yet I watch previews, sitting alone in the theatre, and know that I could write much better scripts than a lot of what I see. Episodes of Sex and The City are almost painful to watch as of late as Carrie's having book parties, and cover designs, and is being all caught up with everything involved in publishing her first book. I wonder what the fuck I'm doing wrong.
I wonder what the fuck I'm doing wrong in work. Why am I not making more money? Why doesn't someone find my journal and want to publish it? Why do I even care in the first place?
I turn Big Brother 3 on the television and see the folks with their fleeting fame. As soon as they're gone, they're done. Sure, they'll have their fans here and there afterwards, but for most, that's it. I can't tell you who was on the past Survivors except for a few. Even then, it takes effort to remember.
And beyond that, I watch I Love Lucy. I marvel at the celebrity guests who have long been forgotten, and I wonder, "Even if I did obtain Lucy like fame, what does it really matter?"
I guess ultimately, it doesn't. Once you're gone from here, from earth, you're gone. But, as Jamie reminded me when we were discussing it, life is changed while it's lived because of what happens. Were my book to be out there, I'd be doing a whole different set of work... one for which I'm certainly better suited, and one which is much more important to me.
So life goes on, and I'm miserable when you get right down to it. But, I don't get right down to it... even to myself. I push forward, I keep the shopping cart of life on track, and I keep things light and fluffy as best as possible. I wish that weren't the case. I wish I really were happy... but sometimes, staying strong is the best you can do.
I mean, in some ways it's funny. Even writing this now, I'm so disconnected. So tough, that I feel nothing. I don't feel exposed. I don't feel miserable. I just am... and I know it, but at the same time, I don't. I can't.