Justin's Life...

~ November 2002 ~

November 3, 2002 - Sunday

Briefly looking back to gain my bearings on what I last wrote, I see how I said things were going to change... and they have, but I've seemingly only landed on the opposite side of the same coin.

The amount of effort I've put into work has started to pay off. I'm in the process of getting a real workspace outside of my apartment, and indeed, I'm moving to a new physical personal space simultaneously, as I gave notice to vacate by the end of this month.

Yet now, I wonder what's the ultimate goal. Does the apartment itself really make me unhappy? Will a bigger place, perhaps a house, make things better? Further separating the physical boundaries of work and personal: Will that make me happier?

In little ways, I can see that the change will be for the better, but in other bigger ways, it seems so inconsequential. I'm not going to have more friends whether I have a hundred bucks or ten million, not real friends anyway. And more friends, that's what I need.

But even then, I wonder what's the point. Will the newfound friends end up running away with each other? Jay, Rob, Larry, Jeremy. I find myself just waiting for Jamie to somehow pair with someone whom I'm not yet anticipating. And yet the Jamie situation itself is riddled with less than ideals.

He's been here almost a month, and most of the time, I feel completely inadequate in making him happy. Sometimes that manifests itself in anger against him. Other times, I simply block it and focus on other things. Often times, it's a combination of the two.

For example, this past Friday afternoon, Larry called and asked if Jamie and I were going to be in town for the weekend. I told him that we were, and a few minutes later, I called him back to more express my desire to see him and the kids.

When Jamie and I were talking later in the evening, I broke down and started crying. In the time between when I spoke to Larry and when I broke down, I'd realized that the reason I so wanted to see him was because when Jamie and I were with him, the pressure for me to keep Jamie happy was somehow shared. And still, yesterday, when we were at Larry's, I constantly found myself asking Jamie "Are you ok?", as he looked miserable. He repeatedly replied that he was, but he didn't seem ok and I felt like he wanted to leave but was just being nice.

That feeling of inadequacy lingers... and I've often found myself wanting to ask/yell what was so much better about Jamie's life in Canada.

So I'm no longer lonely... but now I've just got a new set of issues to replace the old ones.

Would I rather have the old problems than the new ones? No... but it is the drastic change that I was hoping for... nope.

But hey, life is not all super sucky... Things are changing, and I'm gonna try to stay focused and keep them changing. I'll hit the right balance or adapt eventually.

The real danger is believing too much that I'm unfriendable. Why do I end up as the odd one out? And sure, Jay and Rob are no longer together, but still, why did it happen in the first place?

So there ya have it: Lots of unanswered questions. Such is life, I guess. But hey, a few months ago, I was working my ass off and making nothing. Now I'm working my ass off (but a little less) and making a good chunk of change. That's changed for the better, quite substantially. And with work, I didn't change the core of what I was doing. I only changed a little part to better please folks... and it worked. Maybe I just need to alter my personality a little bit, too, while keeping the core, and things will similarly start changing for the better.

So I know this entry is disjointed and taking several different paths simultaneously... but I guess that's the point. That's what my life feels like, so it makes sense that in some subconscious way, the entry reflects it. And I do know while I may lament about Jamie and lack of friends and everything from here to there, life isn't that bad when I think about it...

Now when I really think about it and wonder where the heck it's going (a la I Love Lucy), well, that's another matter... but hey, let's live in the here and now, k?

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© 2002 Justin Clouse
Justin's Life...Justin's