Justin's Life...

~ January 2003 ~

January 24, 2003 - Friday

For some unknown reason, perhaps moving and finding momentos here and there, perhaps just the ebb and flow of thoughts, David Wayne has been playing on my mind a lot lately. So much, in fact, that I tried e-mailing him last week (only to find his address was no longer working). And when I brought him up to Larry last Saturday, I practically sprinted to the phone to call information upon Larry's suggestion to do so... even though I'd already looked thoroughly for his number online and found nothing. Unfortunately, the only listing Information had for his last name was the same as the one I'd already found, "D.", and still, I called. The answerer was a generic robotic voice, not salient enough to plead for a dinner, and so I hung up.

Then last night, I was putting away odds and ends out of the last boxes from moving and I found a card David had written. It got my mind whirring, and while I went to sleep thinking about nothing in particular, I dreamt about him.

So, this morning, I awoke and began my quest to get ahold of him. I found where I'd kept his phone number and I called it. The voice on the other end was one of an interminable automated sort. "The number you have dialed..." Yes, I know the number. Don't repeat it to me! What's the verdict? "...has been changed. The new number is..." OK, I'll call it.

Another generic answering machine. How do I pour my guts out to some answering machine which may or may not be David's? I don't know, but I did my best, trying to impart the importantness of him calling me back if it was the correct number without seeming completely pathetic was it not.

Then there was the cell phone. Disconnected.

One more, the work number. If he did answer that, it would unlikely be voicemail. It would be him, and I'd have to talk directly. I'd be afforded none of the comforts of talking to a machine.

I dialed and counted the rings. If it made it until four, I'd get the machine.

1... 2... 3... "Hello. This is David."

My heart raced, my hand shook, and somehow I managed to get out, "Hey... David. This is Justin Clouse calling" or something like that. I tumbled over my words, not knowing what to say but so wanting him to give me a chance to talk to him over dinner. I recovered, then floundered, then recovered, waffling carefully in the balance. He didn't seem keen on the idea. Indeed, when I said something about him never responding to my previous e-mails sent months and years prior, he said something about having moved on.

Yet, I kept on talking. Practically... no, literally, begging for him to have dinner with me, just to talk. He somehow indicated that he had a boyfriend, and I replied that it didn't have to be romantic, that we could just talk. He said things were complicated, too, to which I wasn't sure exactly what he meant. Perhaps he said things were complicated because he had a boyfriend. I don't know. I was doing my best to keep conversation going and to not simply get the "No. Goodbye." and to not be too pleady/whiny.

Amazingly, we talked fifteen minutes before he said he should get back to work. I have no idea whether he'll have dinner with me or not. I hope against hope that he will, and I've had to force myself not to call him back and say, "Have you been as unable to work as I have been since I called you?" But still, I can't help but remember those multiple times before where my heartfelt desires for dinner have gone unresponded.

All I know is that he said he would e-mail me with whether or not to have dinner. The suspense is more than the old Justin could've beared, but I'm trying my best to be the more mature Justin and let things happen.


I must've thought about David a hundred times today, wondering all kinds of things... but most currently, my head can only focus on one: what if he's dating Jay? I know it's crazy, a mega longshot, but I can't help but fixate on David saying that things were complicated. I initially took it to mean that things with he and his boyfriend weren't going well, so the introduction of me would, well, "complicate" things. Of course, if he were dating Jay, things would also be "complicated." I mean, he doesn't know him as far as I know, but the online world is small and I have been hit by lightning twice. -- Oh great, now something else to wonder.


Whew... just looked for and found Jay's personal. It was updated this week. Ergo, no boyfriend. (Of course, since I was there and read it, it's worth noting that little digs about me are placed throughout it.) Oh well. As long as I'm not headed back for Jerry Springer a third time, I'm fine.

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© 2003 Justin Clouse
Justin's Life...Justin's