My life... April 1-14, 1995

April 1, 1995

Warning: This Entry is graphic in areas.
Furthermore, I really dislike the fact that this entry is the first one because if you haven't read about me before, it doesn't give an accurate picture of who I am... if that's the kase, click here to see

5 PM

I don't know what exactly I'll do tonight. I did meet a red headed gay guy, but he was like 40 years old.

This morning, I woke up (duh) and went to buy some Day-quil since I have a cold which I caught from my roommate. Anyway, I bought some, came back, took my medicine and almost threw up. (Not from being sick, from drinking that nasty tasting stuff.)

I then decided that I wanted to laminate the ad's for The Sum of Us and Boys Life which I cut from of OUT magazine. So I went to Copy Cop at the Prudential Just a little reference point for you guys familiar with Boston and that's where I saw the red headed 40 year old gay guy. He laminated my ads and I left.

I don't know for sure if I'm still going to go to that club, Bobby's, tonight. I think I will, sore throat or not.


Okay so, I called my friend Norm to see if he knew anything about Bobby's since he's a club sort of guy. He wasn't home, though. A few minutes later, however, he returned my call and said that he'd never been before and that he'd heard mixed reviews of the place. He then asked why I wanted to know. I told him that I was determined to go out tonight, no matter what.

He responded, "So when are you going?"
I told him that I didn't know and asked "When should I go?"
He said around 10:30-11 and I said okay. He then told me to call him at 9:30 so that he could shower and he would go with me. I definitely liked that plan better than me going alone.

So at nine-thirty, he called me (I was on the phone to a friend in Kentucky) and we agreed to meet at ten-thirty in the lobby of his dorm.

I got off of the phone, finished putting on my black and white Gap sweater, tight black jeans and my work boots, and then went to Warren where I met him at 10:35.

We got on the T and made it to Bobby's. We payed[sic] the $5 cover charge and checked our coats. We then went inside and walked around, just scoping the place. It seemed nice enough, the music was fine (although I didn't know much... at least it wasn't techno), and the guys looked nice on the whole.

So we started dancing... then I noticed that there was this guy dancing on a platform in bibbed shorts, but the shorts were dropping and he was showing his butt. I was like "oh my..." and Norm just sort of acted like it was no big deal. The shorts kept getting lower and lower until pubic hair was showing. I was flabbergasted to say the least. I'd never seen a stripper before. I then noticed that a much more built, more handsome guy was on another platform in only a string bikini. I was once again flabbergasted and I remember having to consciously force myself to dance... if I hadn't, I would have simply stood there drooling and Norm said that I came close to just standing there a couple of times anyway.

The guys then left and came back, only this time the handsome one was wearing a different bikini and the other one was wearing tight cotton boxers. They both pulled their underwear down in the back, showing their butts, and then pulled it down in the front showing their pubic hair. Then, the "other one" pulled his underwear out and I could see his penis. I was once again flabbergasted --suffice it to say, I stayed flabbergasted for most of the night... and Norm spent a good while trying to get me to look at other regular guys in the club.-- So, this guy showed his penis and I just couldn't believe it.

They once again left and returned... this time wearing the same clothes, only changing spots. Norm and I danced close to the "other one" and I saw that whenever someone gave him a dollar, he would pull his underwear out and let that person look down into it... (and do whatever else he so wanted.) So, I told Norm, "I've got a wallet full of ones." Norm just sort of nodded. I waited for a bit, then I got my wallet out, got a one dollar bill, and walked up to the guy.

I touched his side and he turned around. I showed him the dollar, he then pulled his underwear out and put one hand on my shoulder. He said, "You're handsome." and I put the dollar down his shorts, not touching anything, just looking enough to see that he had a rubber band type thing around the base of it in order to keep him from getting completely hard (he was semi-hard the entire night).

I moved back to where Norm was dancing and I could barely move. I always thought that that stuff about having wobbly legs was just bull, but I had them then. I had to think to stand or I would have fallen down. I was so nervous and exhilarated at the same time.

So we continued to dance and I continued to gawk. Later, though, I decided to take a break and Norm and I walked around the club... I eventually found this one guy who caught my fancy. I kept giving him "the eye" and eventually, he said "Hi, I'm Jacob." I said "I'm Justin" We stood there for a bit, then Norm whispered, "Ask him to dance." So I did. It was a slow song and thus a little awkward for me since I don't ever remember slow dancing with a guy before. We didn't say anything and thus I knew it wasn't going to turn into anything. I simply walked back over to Norm after the song and that was that.

Norm and I began to dance once again: this time next to the handsome stripper. After a bit, I told Norm that I had another dollar and he told me to "go for it." So I did. This guy, however, wasn't so exhibitionist as the other. I didn't see anything, but I did feel his shaved pubic hairs on my fingers.

So the night continued and Norm and I continued to dance. We walked around the club some more and I gawked a little more. Eventually, the "other guy" was completely naked carrying only a towel which didn't manage to stay in place for long. He was showing it all... to everyone. I'm sorry... I have to add it again, I was flabbergasted.

At 1:40AM-ish we decided that it was about time to leave. I was tired being so unused to dancing and Norm was sympathetic. We took a cab and I made it here when I started writing e-mail and finished writing this.

I had THE BEST time tonight. For so long, I'd been bored out of my mind... and tonight I got to gawk at naked men!!! oh, yeah, and I got to dance some, too

April 2, 1995

Nothing special happened today... I got up at around one o'clock this afternoon and decided that I needed to do laundry.

At the laundromat, I saw this really handsome red headed guy who I've seen a few times before. I had to make myself stop staring at him... in fact, if I had the choice of staring at those naked guys at Bobby's or staring at him, I would choose him. It's not that he's any different from most red heads; it's just the fact that he is a red head. As much fun as I had last night staring at those brunettes, I still know that I must have a red head.

I guess that's about all that happened today...

April 3, 1995

Today I found out that I didn't make the COM peer advising program. I'm not really pissed, just sort of upset that I don't fit the "COM Student Profile" enough to represent it to the new freshmen.

The whole experience just sort of makes me not really like BU much at all... sure, other things are/have been positive, but this is like saying "It's okay that we take your money, for that we'll do certain stuff for you... we just don't want you representing us to other people."

I've spent most of the day thinking about life and what I want from it... never thought such a little thing would cause me to think so deeply.

April 4, 1995

Everything's okay today... nothing really happened to me personally. Three people got hit by a car earlier today on BU's campus. Apparently, it was involved in a chase by an unmarked police car and ran up on the sidewalk where it hit the people. A pool of blood and various car parts were on the sidewalk. I'm know no one was killed, but three people were taken to the hospital.

April 5, 1995


Today I modified these entries due to a "suggestion" that the switching of tenses was awkward... to be honest, a lot of this comes from e-mail I've written individuals and then modified to put here. I spend several hours a day writing e-mail and thus usually don't have the time to come here and re-type it all.

Anyway, today I managed to make it to all my classes. Last night I decided that I must pull my grades up to get at least a 3.0. In high school, I was voted Most Intellectual, so it ain't like I'm dumm or nothin'. In college, though, I've sort of lost the motivation except for the classes relating to my major. In my COM class I have an A... in history and psychology... well, a C+ or B-.

In kase you're wondering, all the people that got hit by the car yesterday are going to be fine, but the two more injured ones required extensive surgery.

This is sort of random, but nothing outstanding or noteworthy happened.

I have gotten a few more responses to my Interactive Search for My Red Headed Knight.... a couple even from red heads.

Norm just called to ask me if I wanted to go to a club tonight, but I don't really want to. I'm a weekend partying type of guy... yeah right, in my entire life, I've only been to a club on 2 occasions. See, if you don't know anything about me, the April 1st entry really does give the wrong impression. And I've never even been drunk... I got tipsy once with a friend back at my house in Kentucky, but that's my entire drinking experience. I really am a good guy and I'm a tad worried about that April 1st entry now.

I know, you're saying, "Just delete it" but being honest is more important to me than trying to present myself as wonderboy. Hopefully, people will read down to here

Last night I cooked myself a steak, corn on the cob, and baby carrots. I even went on to fix blonde brownies for dessert. I don't know what I'll cook tonight... or what I'll do... as always, I'll let you know, though.

April 7, 1995

Today I decided to keep track of exactly what I did... sort of a day in the life approach.

I woke up and frantically got ready for my eight o'clock class. If I there hadn't have been a quiz, I would have skipped it.
Class was over. I came back here.
I turned on my computer and checked e-mail. 3 messages. One was my site access report from It said that on Thursday 5255 things were downloaded by 229 different people. The second male art page (the one after the intro/advisory art page) was the most visited even though the art page is closed.
I disconnected and then proceeded to reply to the e-mail messages off-line.
I connected, sent the e-mail, and then disconnected at 9:12 to go back to bed.
I woke back up, took a shower, checked my e-mail, and then went to my noon class.
I was sitting in class dying to leave. I decided that I would look around for red heads. I noticed three. One was cute, one was okay, and the other was ugly. Finally at 12:53 class was over.
I got back here and checked my e-mail. One message.
I disconnected and called my friend Erika, but she wasn't home. So I then called my mom and talked to her until 1:45PM
I checked e-mail again, had one message, and then disconnected at 2:24PM
I went to sleep.
I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. It was Erika. She asked me to go to see an a cappella group at 7:30. I said okay.
I checked my e-mail. No messages. I then played around on the usenet groups and uploaded two sounds to
I called Movie Phone to see what times "The Sum of Us" was playing.
I started shaving and then finished at 6:01PM
I left and went to the grocery.
I turned on the computer and checked my e-mail. One message, but it wouldn't retrieve because a .gif was attached and somehow screwed up the mail server. So I started cooking...
Mail still hadn't retrieved, so I had to reboot my computer to get the mail program to stop.
I reconnected, but I still couldn't get the mail to download, so I left at 7:26PM to meet Erika.
The musical program started and I was bored out of my mind. Erika didn't have much fun either, but Norm liked it.
The program ended and Erika & I went to Tower Records where I bought the soundtrack to Muriel's Wedding.
Erika & I got back to my apartment and watched Wes Craven's New Nightmare
I walked Erika back to her dorm then came back here.
I went to bed because my roommate John was on the phone and thus I couldn't log in to check my e-mail.
I got back up and played around on my computer until John finally got off the phone at 3:27AM.
My e-mail had finally downloaded. I had 9 messages which I simply replied to with an "I must sleep. I'll write you tomorrow" letter.
I went to sleep.

April 8, 1995

3:01AM Technically Sunday, April 9, 1995

Well, I had an nice day and then I made the mistake of going to see The Sum of Us tonight with Erika. I should have known from the last time that my emotions would get screwed up... yes, once again, I'm here feeling alone and depressed. I am SO envious of Jeff from the movie. He was so set. He had the koool family (not that mine's bad) and the guy. He had someone to revolve his world around... I need that so bad. I want someone to think about non-stop. Right now, I have about 10-15 people that write me regularly and they're my only romantic interests... I have no physical, real-life people that I can lust after, that I can show to friends, that I can put their picture on my wall. This Internet approach to love has it's obvious disadvantages, but those above are just some of the others that you wouldn't think of. Of all the guys, I don't have a picture to connect with any of them. They are a collection of text with no cohesion. I often wonder how I manage to keep each person's writing, thoughts, ideas, and personality separate... but somehow I manage to do it.

Okay, I'm not as depressed now... I think I just needed to get it out of my system and telling the world (well, okay, telling you) did that.

Right now I'm fixing macaroni... I just ate a hot dog... for some reason I've been on a junk/generic fast food kick lately.

Yeah, I know... who cares what I'm eating... well, I wanted to change the subject, but just couldn't think of anything good... so I guess I'll sign off now.

April 10, 1995


Today I'm pissed. I rarely get pissed, so now's my time to rant about it.

I changed my web site activity report configuration yesterday due to a modification in the art page. I had been getting only summary reports, but changed that to detailed ones. Anyway, I found out yesterday that people have been going through my files stored at and I'm pissed. It's not like I keep everything about me private. If you've read anything else in this section, you know I'm an extremely open and honest person. If you ask me something, I'll tell you. But I really don't appreciate people snooping around in my personal stuff. --And for all you wise guys, I deleted it after I found out what was happening.-- And since you're dying to know, it was a web page I'd created exclusively for my ex-boyfriend Adam. We're still pretty close and since he lives in Tennessee, it just gave me a better way to communicate to him than e-mail. I had created other web pages for different people, but they'd already been deleted.

When I got the site report yesterday, it said that someone I know his name ftp'ed it and various other things. And thus, I'm issuing this Warning: If you ftp to any directory other than the incoming directory of my account, your e-address may be published.

Once again, the conduct of the few hurts the many. Now I may have to look into password protecting directories and such. Assholes!

April 11, 1995


I'm elated... I got another site activity report a few minutes ago and there were countless people snooping in my directory by FTP. Guess what! It took a little research and effort on my part, but FTP access except to the incoming directory has been disabled. Furthermore, the exclusive art page will soon be password protected. I know how to do it. I just have to do it. And I will do it later today.

April 12, 1995


I'm having a great day today and it's not even ten o'clock yet. I woke up this morning to find my web site access report saying that over 10000 things were downloaded -- That's more than double the previous high -- and I even found pictures of red heads in my incoming directory! What more could I want... well, besides more pictures of red heads and an actual real-life red head.... If you know where the new link is from, please let me know.


Some guy wrote earlier today:
I am a 5'2" red-headed knock-out! I love Reba too! One of my favorite 
movies is Threesome, I would have killed to be in that scene... you know 
which one I am talking about! Wouldn't that be nice to have someone feed 
you ice cream, all tucked up in bed, with strong arms around yo to keep 
you "cumm"fortable!
and was stupid enough to think I'd fall for it... I mean, if you're going to make up a fake return address, at least make it believable... but I'm still extremely happy today. 7 guys have already written me since last night to tell me that they like my web pages, but I'd still like to hear from you as well.

12:36AM Technically April 13, 1995

I've been web surfing for the last hour or so, and I realized that I still don't know how to make transparent .gifs... I know interlaced .gifs are the ones which fade in, but as far as transparent .gifs go, I'm clueless... so I figured, "who should I ask?"... I decided on you... Do you know how to make transparent .gifs? Do you have the program that does it? Would you FTP it to me? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, e-mail me.

In other news, I survived almost four hours of history class today. I had the lecture from noon until 1, the discussion from 3 until 4, and then a movie viewing from 7 until 8:45. It was too much. At least history class has been canceled Friday as compensation.

April 13, 1995


Today's been a day full of occurrences... but so I guess chronologically is the best way to talk about it...
I'm sort of distraught because Adam wrote me this very impersonal letter Monday night. --I know it's a violation of Netiquette to publish other's e-mail, but this is my personal space and Adam is still a close friend, so whenever I relay how his life relates to mine, is that so different from reprinting his e-mail? I don't think so.--

Sorry that it has taken so long to get back to you, but I've actually been
quite the busy fellow.  I've started dating this fellow named #$%@#$%.  
He's wonderful.  He's nice, he's funny, and he's down to earth.  And best of
all, he likes me just the way I am....

As for him.  He's red headed.  Red body hair, all over.  And I mean all over.
He's really quite cute.  And he has freckles too....

Anyway....that's where I've been almost all week.  I've just now come up for
air, as it were, and now only 'cause it's a slow day at work. apologies.


I have no doubt to the sincerity of Adam's letter. I completely believe that he's dating a red head. I do doubt his motivations... you must admit, this seems like the perfect revenge. I broke up with him and he knows how much I'm dying for a red head... now he's got one. It's almost too "nah-nah-na-boo-boo" to seem believable.

But I'm ticked because this letter was so impersonal. It was more of a press release than a personal letter to a close friend...

Speaking of impersonal, I've been trying to get to know a red head. Yesterday we got to talking and it got really serious: We were talking about him not being out and how I should relate to that. We'll I bared my heart and soul to him telling him how I'd felt the exact same things, that I'd been there... he didn't even bother to reply. He said that my letter wasn't personal enough, that I'd simply remailed him a letter which I gave to a friend in high school to help him relate to being gay. That was true, I attached the letter which I'd sent to my high school friend, but there were pages and pages proceeding it where I'd specifically addressed his concerns in a
> question/statement
format... that was apparently unnoticed. But more than that, he emotionally slapped me in the face repeatedly. I tried to give him a compliment and his answer was "I know." Here's the exact excerpt
>       Smooth chests are definitely nice as well... *smile*

               No one had to tell me.  I mean, I think independent of 
others, I don't need to be told I'm right, I usually know it.
And that wasn't an isolated incident, that was the tone of all his replies. I mean, I thought things were going so well for us... I was looking forward to going home for the summer so that I could meet him...

I've yet to hear from him today, so who knows how things are going to go...

I was really shocked today when I got my mail at the post office. --See, I told you a lot has happened--. I got a card from my ex-best friend from high school who hasn't talked to me in two years. I'd written him a card over spring break that simply said "Hi" and nothing else. It was my last attempt to re-establish any sort of connection, but spring break was almost a month ago, so I figured it was over, once and for all. But today I got a card that reads "Hi Clay. I never really meant to hurt you. I am sorry. -Chris" Now I don't know whether I should write him back or not... I'm almost certain I will. I still desperately want a friendship there. I loved him more than any person ever in my life, and I still miss him a lot... I bought a card, but I haven't written anything in it yet.

In yet other news, you guys have been absolutely great with helping me with the red head art exhibit... I had thought it would never come into being, but that's all changing. Many of you have sent me pictures and gotten your reward (the URL & Password of the Exclusive Art Page). If you've got any pictures of handsome red headed guys, click here.

Also, I still haven't figured out where this influx of people has come from, but I'm definitely not complaining, link my page from anywhere and everywhere.

On more thing, a married guy wrote me today to say that he's feeling trapped and realizes now that he's gay. He has kids and loves his wife, but is missing the male relationship he so desires. I had no idea what to tell him, do you have any suggestions? I did tell him that I think he must be honest with himself and his family. Whoa, I can't even empathize with how hard that will be. I mean, it was difficult coming out when I hadn't even dated anyone, but to be married to a woman... but at the same time, he must come out... he'll be miserable by not coming out. You may disagree, but if you've read any of my web site, you know I'm a very honest person... I think above all he must be true to himself... we all must be.

April 14, 1995


Things are a lot better today than yesterday... the red head from Kentucky, Eric, and I are getting along much better today. We had another major misunderstanding last night after I entered that last entry... but I don't feel like re-hashing it now... point is, things are going well now and I think they'll all be upwards from here.

I went to my one class this morning and took a quiz... that's been about it.

Oh, I did go to Campus Camera to buy new batteries for my camera so that I can take some more pictures to add here. When I was there, I saw this disposable 3D camera so I bought it as well. It supposedly takes pictures like those that kids have. Those rough textured ones that wiggle when you move from side to side... the only drawback is that I'll have spent over $30 for 16 pictures after I get them developed. But 3D pictures should be really neat, especially if I take them of friends.

I did just a tad of homework today... I really must finish a lot this weekend or else I'll be failing out of BU. But for all the time that this web site and e-mail consumes, there's no way I would trade it for better grades. From you who've written, I'm helping a lot more here than by learning some moronic textbook stuff.

I almost forgot, one of you, Jacques, e-mailed me with info about transparent .gifs... I now have the program, Lview, and will be updating these pages as soon as I have some time... well, as soon as I get around to it because I'll never actually have time. Most likely, the Ultra Exclusive Art Page which will serve as the reward for guys who sent me pictures of red heads will be where I hone my transparent .gif skills... you should join in by sending your pictures of handsome red heads now.

Click here to go to the rest of April.

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