My life... April 15-30, 1995

April 16, 1995


Yesterday was quite the eventful day...

I woke up at around 1, logged on for a bit, did homework a bit, and just generally hung out in my apartment until around 6 o'clock when Norm called and asked me if I wanted to go to dinner at Warren Towers. I said "ok" and left to meet him a little later. We ate dinner and then came back to my place where I got out my clippers and proceeded to give him a haircut. Norm, a real slave to fashion and looks--especially his hair, was allowing me to cut it... I was amazed, but darn it, I never wanted to be a hairdresser

So, anyway, I cut his hair. It looked okay to both him and me. So he left to go get ready for the night at Bobby's --Yes, that same club as in April 1st's entry--

I put on my new pair of denim-colored (as opposed to stonewashed or the like) jeans, a tight green shirt, my new black and white socks, and my hip-cut (as opposed to the regular cut) sports coat. I then met Norm at Warren and we took the T (subway) to the North Station stop and walked to the club.

"But what about the strippers, Justin?" you ask. Well, hold your horses.

So we got into the club and Norm checked his coat. I, however, did not because I was going for a look. So we danced and there were no strippers in sight. Norm teased me about that fact and we continued to dance checking out the other guys in the place.

Norm found this one guy who he said moved like an ex- of his (hereafter referred to as Sweater Guy both here in the on-line diary as well as between Norm and I. --Whenever my friends and I don't know someone's name, he/she gets a label like "Sweater Guy," "Perfume Girl," "Box Man," etc.--) Anyway, so Norm wanted Sweater Guy who was indeed cute, but I wasn't attracted to him more than a little.

But then I saw this red head! He was short, stocky, and pretty built. I couldn't stop searching for him on the dance floor every few minutes... but, alas, he had a boyfriend, and I saw them leave together. Darn!

Well, after Norm had seen Sweater Guy and before the red head had left, Norm & I went upstairs so that he could get a drink (Pepsi). When we were up there, these two girls came over and introduced themselves... of course, we weren't really interested Apparently, they had no clue or as Norm said, "They either really get off on the idea of having sex with a gay guy, or they're looking for a comfortable environment." and we all know females are totally comfortable around gay guys... we're just not a threat

After that little incident, we started to dance again. I was getting a little despondent. No one had asked me to dance, but moreover, I hadn't seen anyone I really wanted to dance with. I kept thinking about Eric, the red head in Kentucky that I've been e-mailing with, and hoping that he was good looking. (I've talked to him on the phone and know he sounds nice and has a cute thick Kentucky accent...)

Then the stripper appeared!!! but no, I wasn't attracted to him. He was much too dark complected for me. I didn't even make an effort to look. Norm, on the other hand thought he was totally hot. Suffice it to say, Norm and I very rarely like the same things.

So, Norm and I were dancing and Norm was trying to get closer to Sweater Guy. And that's where things stood for a good while.

Then Norm points out this one red head... I look, and while his hair wasn't all red, I could see that it was partially red. I mean, the lights in the club aren't exactly the best and they're rarely white.

By this time, I had checked my jacket (to the coat room) and was dancing only in my tight green t-shirt. I was worried about my fat shaking a large chunk of the time, but figured "So what." So, I was playing "The Eye Game" with this guy, and he was playing back. I felt a little stupid because it was so obvious, but when has obviously stopped me...

I played "The Eye Game" for about ten minutes and then Norm whispered "Go for it!". I played a little more and then Norm turned me around to face the guy and whispered from behind me, "If you don't, I will." Well, I had no idea whether Norm was just pushing me to make the move or whether he was really going to "go for it." So I said, "Hi, I'm Justin." He responded, "I'm Steve" and we shook hands.

A couple minutes later, after dancing together and staring at each other's faces, I started to talk. I had no idea what to say, so the standard "So, you go to school around here?" and the like started coming out. Found out that he goes to Emerson College (which is walking distance from my apartment... well, a long walk, but walking distance). and is a film major. We talked a little more and then I introduced Norm.

Norm has previously noticed a guy who was friends with Steve and was interested in him. So, eventually, the group introduced everyone and Bill (the one Norm was interested in.. Sweater Guy is someone different) was dancing with Rachel (a really nice looking girl). I was dancing with Steve and Norm was on the end. It wasn't like we were dancing exclusively together or anything. It just happened that our attention was focused that way. (Bill/Rachel, Steve/Me, and Norm)... and the way that's worded, it makes it sound like Norm was just out by himself, but that wasn't the kase. The dance floor is a big place and very few people actually dance with one other person.

So, anyway, we were all dancing for a while and then Steve says he's going to the bar to get a drink (beer) and will be back in a minute. So I talk to Norm who's raving about Steve, saying how cute he is and such. Norm then tells me to give him my phone number. I had a pen, but no paper, so I asked Norm if I should write it on a dollar bill. I thought it would be cute, so I did.

When Steve came back, I told him that I had no paper, but wrote my number on a dollar. I got it and put it out for him to take it. He said "I can't take it. I have someone at the bar." I was thinking, "What?" But it made perfect sense, he had a beer, but wasn't wearing a wrist band to say that he was over 21. Someone had to have bought the beer for him, but why would he stare and smile at me so much. I couldn't figure it out, but it was 10 until 2AM, so I was ready to leave. I danced a bit more and then asked Norm, "Are you ready?" He said, "Whenever you are." So I told Bill, Rachel, and Steve, "Well, I guess we're going to head out now." and then started walking away.

Steve grabbed me and said, "What about your phone number?"
"I thought you could take it, that you had someone at the bar."
"No, I said they had paper at the bar."

Turns out he wouldn't take it because it was on the dollar bill. It wasn't because he had someone else. So, I once again gave him the dollar and said, "Don't worry about it, it's only a dollar." I then walked away after saying "Bye"... but Norm pulled me back. Steve was sticking out his hand to shake mine, so I did. We then got our coats and left.

As soon as we got out of the club, Norm just started going on and on about how gorgeous Steve was. Norm said, "You only need one word to describe him, 'beautiful'."

So we walked back to BU, which was a fair distance, but the night was nice and we had a lot to talk about, so it wasn't any big deal.

Norm just kept going on and on... I mean, I'd never seen Norm quite so taken. He kept telling me, "I'm so impressed... oh my gawd" Norm never really seems to be impressed with me. Like before, we're pretty much opposites. But, here Norm was, amazed that I'd given this 'beautiful' guy my phone number. Norm said that he was going to call Bree (a friend of ours) and tell her all about it... that she would respect me. Truth is, I think I had more fun impressing Norm than giving Steve my phone number.

Also on our walk home, we got to talking about how Norm didn't pick anyone up. He told me that I needed to push him like he pushed me. I told him that I didn't push him because he was so much more relaxed in the club situation. He said that he was more relaxed, but I was more assertive. He was right... life's too short to be shy. I mean, from my limited experience, I've found out that some guys thought I was cute, but were just too shy to ask me to dance. I thought these same guys were cute and if I hadn't made the initiative, we wouldn't have met.

So anyway, Norm wants me to push him when we go back to Bobby's next week --Yes, we already made plans to go back.-- and I'm going to push him... like last night, I thought I was pulling him into dancing with us. Pushing him should be much easier.

We got home just before 3AM and after taking a long hot bath, I went to sleep.

This morning, I woke up to the phone ringing at 12:02AM. It was Steve. Norm had harassed me about the fact that nothing had really happened until Steve called... well, Steve called and we talked for about 20 minutes. He then had to go since he was at work. I did, however, find out that his hair is naturally dirty blonde, but has been dyed several different colors. He's still cute and he has light eyes... so who knows... he seemed to be really nice as well. We talked about how I hadn't been to many clubs and how I was sort of tense. He said that he worried that when he told me that a few beers would loosen me up, that I would think he was a drunk. (I hadn't thought it.) And we just generally talked about life, college, etc..

About ten minutes after I hung up the phone with Steve, Bill called. I talked to him for at least 45 minutes about college, life, the same general stuff, but he also said that his friend Joe thought that Norm was attractive. This seemed like the perfect opportunity for me to mention that Norm thought he was attractive and thought that he and Norm could double date with Steve and me. I mentioned it, but it didn't get a big reaction. I mentioned it again and still no reaction... so I guess we all know what that means.

While I was talking to Bill, Steve called. I asked for his phone number and said that I'd call him back in a minute. I did. We talked for a few minutes and then he said that he had to go back to work for a second since the girl at the security desk (where he works) wanted to run to the bathroom. I said that I needed to do some homework so I guess I'd go. He told me, "Call me sometime." I said, "Oh, I will" and I will...


Well, I just finished talking to Steve on the phone... we've got a tentative date for Saturday.

1:48PMTechnically, April 17, 1995

Well, I just finished writing my 3 papers for COM that were assigned as punishment to my class for not reading. Tomorrow I have to come up with a topic for my last COM assignment and create a lead, nut graf, and outline. I also have to read a lot for history and write a 7-10 page paper for that... ahh, I don't think there will be enough hours in the day...

April 17, 1995


Well, there was no class today... some sort of Massachusetts holiday... so I've been working on my homework. I just finished reading two entries in my history textbook which I must now compare in a 7-10 page paper... AHHHH! Also, I still have to think of that topic for my COM article...

Earlier today, I locked myself out of my apartment... Since John was gone home for the Easter break, I had to call the Resident Assistant On Call who went to the housing office and gave me a key... it wasn't as big of a deal as I had anticipated.

I also called today to find out the times of the shows at Comedy Connection this Saturday as a possible date place.

To those of you who've written me e-mail in the last couple of days, I'm sorry but I haven't had time to get back to you... my mailbox has about 50 messages in it right now and those of you who've I've written before know that I write a lot... So, I've tried to avoid getting hooked here in front of the computer for hours. I have, however, read all the messages. And I should be getting back to you soon...

2:20AM Technically April 18, 1995

Well, I spent the last two and a half hours replying to e-mail and there are still 21 messages in my in box. But while I was replying, I realized... I really am effecting the world in my own small way. I was replying to e-mail from all over the US, Canada, Australia, even one from South Africa. Koool!

April 19, 1995


Last week, I mentioned how I got a card from Chris, my best friend from high school who hadn't talked to me in almost two years... well, today I finally wrote him back... my card reads:


There's so much I want to say, I have no idea where to start. First of all, I guess I should say that I didn't know if I should reply to your card, but I guess you can tell how I decided on that one.

I also want to say that I accept your apology and I know that you never intententionally tried to hurt me. We're both different people now, we've grown... but we're both the same at heart. You're still the nature lover and I'm still the school guy...

It was very clever of you to just put "Clouse" on the envelope. I assume you were unsure whether to write "Justin" or "Clay." "Clay"'s fine.

Ahhh... I have so much I want to say and it seems like I'm saying nothing.

I guess I want to say that I still miss you from time to time --especially when I'm home and have to drive behind your house.-- I told myself that the card I sent on spring break was my last attempt to mend things with you... so when I got your card last week, I was flabbergasted... I had given up... So yes, I was definitely glad to hear from you.

Life is so different now from high school, isn't it? The one major difference to me is the fact that I've come to accept that I'm gay. I've not really changed, though. I'm still the same. I still act the same, still wear the same clothes, and still look the same... well, I do have sideburns, but that's it. I'm still a virgin, too...

I'm not sure whether that last paragraph shocked you, if you suspected it, or if you knew... I think that that was the real reason you quit talking to me, but that's all in the past and irrelevant now.

Anyway, I guess this is just my way of trying to re-establish the best friendship I ever had. As always, it's up to you... take care and have a great life either way...


In other news, I turned in my history paper so I may finally be able to start answering my e-mail... there's such a backload of it; it may take a while. I called and reserved 2 tickets for the 8:15PM showing at the Comedy Connection for Saturday --I talked to Steve last night and we're still on.-- I still have to write a COM paper before next week, and I'm going to need you guys help on it... I have to write about how the Internet has become a sort of social haven for gay guys or something like that... I'll have to create a questionnaire and add it to the main page shortly... I also took another roll of film with pictures of me to add to/replace the ones here now. I mailed it off this morning, so it should be back late next week... I guess that's about it...

3:27AMTechnically April 20, 1995

Well, I just got e-mail from one of you telling me to check out the webcrawler searcher using the keyword "gay". I did and guess who's page is number 14 on the list... yeah, you guess it. MINE! That's so koool... I'm making my fame on the Internet.

April 20, 1995


Well, yesterday I got e-mail from a guy named Damon. He sounded depressed, but said that he would like to get together with me and talk sometime. He said that he was free yesterday night and I thought, "Why not? Maybe I can cheer him up." So I e-mailed and told him that I'd meet him for a movie if he wanted. He sent back his phone number and we met to see Delores Claiborne at Copley Place at 7.

While I was waiting for him to get there, I thought every caucasian guy was him... it didn't matter how old, young, fat, tall, or what, I thought "Oh, I hope that's not him." or "Oh, it'd be nice if that was him." Then he arrived... he wasn't like I pictured, but he had the cutest nose.

But it was too late for the movie so we walked around Copley Place, The Prudential Mall, and just around. We eventually stopped at the Pru's food court where I ate some Chinese food while we talked.

I found out he's a 23 year old graphic artist and lives just outside of Boston, and that he couldn't eat meat or have milk this past week because of his Greek religion.

So we hung out some more and walked some more and then we ended up back at the Copley Place Theatre. Delores Claiborne started a few minutes later, so we went inside to see it.

Afterwards, I quickly hopped the T (subway) since it was almost time for it to stop service for the night. I got home and e-mailed him an "Evaluation Report" of the night.

I had fun and I would really like to get some normal gay friends. I sorta doubt anything in the romantic department considering that I'm still stuck on this Red Head kick. I think I'm just waiting for someone to knock me head over heels... but who knows. Supposedly the best relationships develop out of those that start as simply friendships... I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

2:39AMTechnically April 21, 1995

Well, it took a while, but I finally got down to 16 e-mail letters in my "in" box. So, everything that wasn't written today has been replied to.

April 21, 1995


My roommate is so cheap...
It's really been annoying me lately, but today was just too much... I guess I should preface this a little. My roommate is a great guy, has absolutely no problem with me being gay, and just generally lives his life and lets me live mine. But he never buys anything...

He drinks the Pepsi I buy without any guilt. When I say something about it, he simply says that he doesn't drink that much... so if he doesn't drink that much, why doesn't he just buy some himself and I'll have mine and he'll have his.

And last week, we ran out of toilet paper... I'd bought it the last three times and I thought he should buy it... he, however, did not. I've had to resort ot hiding toilet paper and Pepsi... who knows what he uses.

And then last night, I opened a box of cereal which I bought about two weeks ago. It had already been opened but the flap had been taped back. I thought he had done it, but was unsure, so I put it in the trash. This afternoon when I got back from class, the box had been carefully smashed into the trashcan. But when I pulled it out, the inner bag had been opened and about half of it had been poured out. I would question him about it, but I can't think of anything to say... maybe I can tell him that they said on the news that poison had been found in this certain cereal. That would serve him, but I'd never be able to keep a straight face while I said it.

I hate having to resort to hiding stuff and I've tried my best to cooperate... he never goes out except to play frisbee and he does buy C.D.'s from time to time, so I know he has the money. And, if you're wondering, no he won't read this... I don't think he's ever read my web site....

April 22, 1995

2:31AM Technically April 23, 1995

I am mad! I've not been what I consider mad since I started this web site... the last time I was mad was right before I decided to move out of Warren Towers, back in November.

But I guess I should tell you this chronologically...

First a little background that won't be needed until later, but it happened first. Anyway, I talked to Steve yesterday and made sure we still had plans for the date. We did and everything was okay. He made one small request, though, saying that he didn't like to have dates at clubs and wanted the date to be over before we went to Bobby's. He explained it in a wierd fashion, but I managed to reword it and ask, "So you're saying that you just want to be able to party when we're at the club and not have to stick next to me the whole time?" He said that I was exactly right and I explained that his idea was good since Helen and Erika were going to be at the club and I had to pay attention to them. He further explained that he would dance the slow song with me.

Now the other stuff, so one o'clock Norm called me and asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with


Jeff my ex- and Kyung stopped by to cheer me up, so I sorta quit this diary mid-entry... anyway, more on Jeff & Kyung in the chronological reference.

So, at one o'clock Norm called me and asked if I wanted to go to lunch with him and a friend. I said okay and hurriedly got dressed to meet them.

We had lunch and then Norm and I went to a florist near the Copley T stop and I bought Steve 10 white roses for $8.00... Norm commented on how he wished he had someone to buy him red roses, but there were no red roses there. So I didn't do anything about it.

We walked back to the T stop and passed a newstand which had three red roses for $2, so I bought them for him. He was so happy... he actually said, "I think I'm going to cry." I had the best time giving him those.

On the T, a lady commented about how nice my roses were and then we made it back to BU's campus. Norm went to his dorm and I came on back to my apartment where I proceeded to get ready. --It was around 3:40PM--

So I got ready and called Helen & Erika just to make sure they were still going to meet me at Bobby's (Norm was going to take them and I was going to meet them there.) They were still going to meet me and then it was time for me to meet Steve.

I called him up and he said that he was running five minutes late. Since I was going to be early, I waited a little longer here, then left to meet him at his Emerson College dorm. I got there at 6:05PM... exactly five minutes late.

A friend of his escorted me to his room after I explained that I was there to see him and she left me there. He was in the shower and wasn't ready. At 6:25PM he was dressed and ready to go. In the meantime, though, I looked around his room and saw that we have some of the same interests in movies... anyway, he was ready at 6:25PM and we left.

We walked to a nearby McDonald's and ate. He said that since I paid for the comedy club, he would pay for dinner. I said okay and I truly doubt that he knew the comedy club tickets were $28.

So we ate, talked about life, and just generally got to know each other. We then walked towards Faniel Hall, where the comedy club was located, and got to know each other some more.

We made it back to Faniel Hall at around 7:55PM and he went to the bathroom while I went and picked up the tickets. We went inside and we were sitting on the front row... well, I was sitting on the front row and he was behind me... my knee was touching the stage and the microphone was an arm's length away from me. I couldn't believe we were so close and I knew something would be said to us since I was wearing a Flintstones tie & a Dino vest while he had bright blond hair with red tips.... I was wrong... I was the only one that was talked to.

The first words out of the comedian's mouth were "Nice vest!" Then throughout the night I came to be known as "BU Boy" and was asked various questions ranging from "What do you do?" to "What's your favorite food?" I had fun, though, and Steve seemed to be laughing quite a lot as well.

Afterwards, we headed for the T... we walked back to Emerson and he was walking me to the T stop, but then Bill & some Emerson friends met him on the sidewalk... they were going to Bobby's. --Apparently, Steve was supposed to meet them at 10:30 so that they could all go to Bobby's. But it was 10:50 when we passed them on the street so they were going without him.-- So, he said he needed to run back to the dorm, but for us to wait at the T stop. As they walked on, he motioned for me to come to him. I did and he told me that he had a really nice time and gave me a handshake. I was hoping for a peck or a hug, but a handshake was what I got.

So we go to the T station and wait for him. He shows up with an over 21 friend's id. And we head for Bobby's. The date was over, but he still sat next to me and basically hung around me both on the T and during the wait at the changing of trains.

Anyway, we get to Bobby's and I go looking for Helen & Erika while he goes off on his own. Just like we agreed. I find them and they've brought Justin (another BU student/friend... also Erika's boyfriend) along. They're standing up above watching the dance floor. So I talked with them and got them to come down and dance.

We danced for a while and I looked to see where Steve was. He was at the bar talking to a guy with a vertically striped shirt. But, no big deal, there just talking and so I dance with Helen, Erika, and Justin trying to make sure they have a good time. We danced for about thirty minutes; Erika was tired, so I told them they could go ahead and leave if they wanted. They had a good time but were ready, so they did.

I danced with Norm and Bill and various people during the night. I eventually came to find that Jeff (my ex-) was there and I danced with him some. That was until about 12:30. Then Steve came over and said that he was drunk and that he wanted to appologize for "anything I might do tonight which upsets you." I told him that I'd been keeping tabs on him and had seen him with the vertically striped shirt guy. He said the he had been a little close to him a little while ago and that was about it... a few minutes later, Steve said that he was headed back to the bar to get another beer, but that he'd be back in a little bit to dance with me.... a little bit never came.

So I was dancing and then I see that he's dancing with the vertically striped shirt guy once again.. They'd danced together about three times before but this time, I thought I saw them kiss. I waited a second and then I saw it, they were... they were french kissing... I couldn't believe it. All I got was a #$@%ing handshake at the end of our date, but he was over there french kissing this guy.

I was so upset... I mean upset. I hadn't been this upset since the whole dorm deal... I began to gag uncontrollably. I started to almost throw up, but managed to calm myself. Even now, when I think about it, I start to cough and gag. I am that upset about it.

Apology or not, drunk or not... I refuse to date a drunk slut...

So, I found Bill and told him that I was really mad at Steve because he was over there French kissing another guy and then pointed out the act so that Bill could see it himself. He did and then he said that if there was any way he could have warned me, he would...

I walked around a bit then told Norm that I was going to leave. He had previously asked me if I wanted to go to an after-party, but I didn't and I knew he was still planning on going. But, the great friend that Norm is, he asked me if I was going to be okay and did I want him to go with me. I told him no and then after telling Bill I was leaving, walked out of the club.

I walked down the street and then I was being chased by someone. It was Mark, who I now realize that I've completely left out of this diary entry. --I was dancing with Norm and I saw this guy. We did the smile thing a few times and then Norm told me to go for it. So I walked over to him and said, "Hi, I'm Justin." He said that his name was Matt and we started talking. Anyway, we talked and danced for a bit. I made a point, though, to explain how I'd had a date earlier in the night with Steve, but that we were there semi-separately at the club. So Matt and I hung out-- So on the street, Matt said, "So what about your phone number?" I said, "Oh, I completely forgot. That whole situation has just knocked me over." (He knew that I was upset about Steve kissing that other guy.) But anyway, we exchanged phone numbers and talked for about two more minutes. He had to go back to get his friend at the club and I got a cab and then came back here. Even in the cab, I was having to force myself not to gag... I can believe anyone would have the nerve to do that... even if I was the worst date in the world and he never wanted to see me again, that was still REALLY bad manners to go kiss another guy... and to apologize beforehand, what's the deal with that? He was so conscious that he was going to do something that he told me... if he was that conscious, he should have been able to stop himself.

Anyway, I made it back here and then called Helen since she vented to me about man problems last week and I figured I could return the favor... I knew she would be asleep, but I simply had to talk to a real person.... but she didn't answer her phone. So I called Erika and told her all about what happened. She was supportive and she listened... that's all I wanted.

So around 2:45AM, Jeff and Kyung buzzed. I went down and let them in. They were here to let me vent to them as well... but about ten minutes after getting here, Bill called. He was apologizing for Steve. He again said that he wished he could have warned me about Steve, but there was no way. I also found out that vertical stripe boy had given Steve a ride back to his dorm and that they were both in Steve's dorm room right then.... the icing on that proverbial cake...

So I talked to Bill for a bit then got back to Jeff and Kyung. They listened to me for a good while and told me how I should do this and that. After that, Jeff and I caught up on how things had been since we'd broken up. He returned the money which I gave him as my half of the flight change fee which turned out not to be charged (from spring break.)

Basically, we caught up on each other's lives and then at around 4:30AM, they left. I then started typing this...

I'm still really upset about Steve... he seemed like a really nice guy, cute, funny, interesting, but...

I have no idea what I'll say when he calls...

April 23, 1995


Well, he called... about an hour ago. He apologized and pleaded and all that. He said that that wasn't really like him. I told him that I'd talked to a few people and heard otherwise, that he was looking for a relationship but was more preoccupied with screwing around. He said that I couldn't have talked to a few people since Bill was the only person that had heard him say a sentence similar to that. I didn't say anything for or against his idea that Bill was who I talked to. He then started saying that he was going to have to have a talk with Bill. I told him that Bill wasn't the cause of anything and to leave him alone. By the end of the conversation, he promised that he would say absolutely nothing to Bill in regards to our talk. I told him that I would definitely be able to tell since Bill would treat me differently. He said he knew. So at least I don't have to worry about upsetting Bill.

So, anyway, Steve begged and pleaded. I explained how I'd been so upset that I was about to puke. He apologized and rationalized and said that he'd try to make it up... So we talked for about an hour and finally I said that I would go out with him again on Saturday. Yes, I know what you're thinking, but I'm crazy... I'll give anyone a second chance... Chris (my ex-best friend that I referred to a few days ago who didn't speak to me for two years)... anyone... but the minute he screws up this time. It's over. No if's, and's or but's.

Now I'm just worried about explaining this to Norm, Erika, and friends...

April 24, 1995


Well, I talked to Norm, Helen and several people about the whole deal... It think that Norm was the only person that actually agreed with what I'm doing (giving Steve another chance).

I guess I'm ever the eternal hopeful... with Adam, I was going to change him into the sensitive, good looking stud that I wanted... now with Steve, I want to turn him into the loyal guy he could be... what can I say... I just don't know... I should know that I can't change people, but my goal in life is to change people... to change the public's (both straight and gay) perception of gays... I believe I can change the world... that may be idiotic and childlike, but hope is what I have...

In other news, I'm still working on this darn COM paper and I want to just issue a general thank you to all you guys who helped... I'm still not quite sure where the focus will be, but I'll know soon since I'll be having a one-on-one conference with the professor tomorrow afternoon.

Also, I got my bill from today and you guys are really accessing my pages.
                             Amount       Quota   Over     price/amt    Total
03/24/95 Network Traffic      846.59   MB  200.00  646.59   1.95 100MB   12.61
and that's in addition to the regular monthly charge... I'm not complaining, though. I'm rather happy that my pages are getting this much use... it took a lot of accesses to download 846.59 megs of stuff... hope you guys enjoyed it.

April 25, 1995

12:40AM Technically April 26, 1995

Let's see... today I didn't have to wake up until almost noon since my first class was at one. COM was canceled because of one-on-one conferences. I went to my psych. class then headed for my conference. My prof. looked over my paper and really liked it. I was completely shocked since I thought the thing sucked. She told me that she'd been reading papers for five hours straight and if she thought mine was interesting, I should probably believe her... Fine by me; her opinion is the one that counts. Anyway, I still have to make some minor changes and do a little more research before the next draft which is due Thursday.

Since today was a good day both weather-wise and class-wise, I decided I wanted to do something. So I e-mailed Damon, the guy I met last week through e-mail, asking him if he was free. Before he had replied, I called Erika and Helen, but they were both busy with papers. Anyway, Damon called and we agree to get together for dinner... he met me here at my apartment and we went to Uno's.

He ate a pizza and I had a cheeseburger then we came back to the apartment where we watched Wes Craven's New Nightmare. I hadn't planned on watching it, but I was showing him my c.d. collection and then we got to talking about it, so I turned it on. Actually, I had planned on just eating dinner then parting ways. --I told him that I didn't want to "party until midnight" whenever we talked on the phone.-- But, anyway, we watched the movie and then I walked him to his car at about five until midnight. I could tell that he wanted a kiss or something because he kept standing by his car and made no effort to get inside. So while he was facing his car, I went up behind him and gave him a hug. He's fun to hang out with, but I really don't want to give him the wrong impression. I just don't think anything romantically is going to happen between us. (and yes, I'm coping out by writing that here since I know he'll read it.)

Anyway, we said that we might get together Thursday night, so who knows...

I feel like such a creep for writing this here... I'm going to e-mail him and tell him first...


Okay, I wrote Damon an e-mail telling him what I wrote above...


Also, I just wanted to let you guys know that yesterday more things were downloaded from my website in a single day than ever before... 14147!!

And one other thing, I want to let all you Australian guys know that I and almost all Americans know that the seasons are reversed in the US compared to Australia... Today I got yet another letter from an Australian telling me about the seasonal difference and that spring really is in September as mentioned in Muriel's Wedding. I know this... that is why it was funny.

April 26, 1995


I just got this anonymous e-mail...
yes, it's true!!! I am red-haired, young, good-looking,
and I live in the greater Boston area...
[snip... just some more bull]
...if this sounds like 
love at first sight to you, give me a call, you conceited,
overbearing, self-important fudge-packing, stool-eating 
drag queen!
I can't believe it... that's exactly me (sarcasm here if it doesn't come across in my writing) You know what's funny... you'd have to spend a good while on my site to learn that I'm from Boston, now wouldn't you ... Can we say "closet case" boys & girls? Where are the good 'ole days when homophobes had the nerve to confront you face to face? Now they have to hide behind anonymous e-mail addresses...

Instead of hurting my feelings like I'm sure this letter was intended, it's made me happy... what a gain gays have made that homophobes are afraid to denounce us in public (or to even use their real e-addresses).... WAY TO GO GUYS!!

April 27, 1995


That guy spent the next hour e-mailing me... what straight guy would do that?!?

Anyway, in other news, today I didn't do too much. I went to class, hung out with my friend Michael afterwards for a couple of hours, and that was about it. I bought a box and packed some of my stuff for the big move back to Kentucky... which I'm both dreading and looking forward to. I'm anxious to meet Eric, the red head I mentioned before, but I'm also dreading having to work and not being able to hang out with friends. Amanda, the only person that I did much with back in KY, was stuck to her boyfriend when I was home over Thanksgiving, Christmas, and spring break. So, who knows... I hope I find someone to hang out with, but I'm already starting to miss Helen, Erika, Norm, Steve, Bill, Michael, etc. etc. and I haven't even left. I'm sort of pissed about not being able to get to better know Steve and Bill before having to go... if all goes as planned, we'll all be back here next semester in 3.5 months, but that seems so far away... but at the same time it seems like no time at all. I'm full of internal conflicts in kase you can't tell.

I did clean my room today while I was deciding what would be okay to go ahead and ship home. I think I may even borrow a vacuum cleaner tomorrow.

Well, I guess that's about it for today...

April 28, 1995


Today has been quite productive and eventful so far...

This morning, I woke up and went to my eight o'clock class. It lasted for twenty minutes. --I have no idea why.-- and then I came back here to find out that I'd forgotten to pick up my keys before leaving this morning. I was locked out.

I walked back towards campus and stopped by the residence life office, but they were closed. So I went to the Information Technology center and played around on the terminals there. At around 9:20AM, I headed towards Burger King where I ate some pancakes. I really am not much of a breakfast person, but I had nothing else to do.

I headed back to the apartment and arrived here at 9:55AM. I waited for someone to leave the building then went inside (the main lobby door is locked, but everyone who lives here has a key, so whenever someone left, I simply caught the door and walked in). I came upstairs and sat in the hall for about ten minutes until John arrived and left me in.

I then took a short nap and woke up for my noon class. I took notes then came back here. I shipped a box full of junk back home. --I figure if I tried to ship all my stuff back home at once, I'd break my back, so I'm starting two weeks in advance.-- $18 for 44 pounds...

I then came back and got a call from Norm. He had to go buy a bus ticket home for next weekend so that he could see his sister for her prom. He wanted me to go with him to the bus station, so I did.

We bought the ticket then headed back to BU. On the T, we saw Jeff (my ex-). So I went up to talk to him and we just talked about such things as his jobs and how annoying Kyung is. Jeff then realized that he missed his stop, leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, said "bye" and got off the T. I was shocked. I don't think I've ever been kissed in public before... especially not on a crowded subway. No one said anything, though. And I really liked it. I thought it was too koool that he would kiss me in such a public place without even thinking about it... Norm couldn't get over at how friendly we still are after breaking up... Our break-up was completely a mutual decision and we both still care for each other in our own unique ways.

And now I'm back here and can't find anything to do for the rest of the day... I should vacuum my room, but I cleaned it a lot yesterday. And I should wash clothes, but I want to do something fun.


Well, my night, on the other hand, is turning out to be BOR-ING. I'm washing clothes... yeah, that's right, washing clothes on a Friday night... I guess the only good thing that may happen tonight is that I might work on these pages

I called Helen, but she said that she, Erika, and Justin (the other one) were going to Justin's house-house. Norm went to some song thing for his music class, and I'm washing clothes...

See... I told you these pages would improve...I just created these new faces:

April 30, 1995


I'm a happy camper... Yesterday I woke up and decided I didn't want to sit here all day, so I tried calling Helen and Erika, but they were still at Justin's house. So I went by myself to The Cambridgeside Galleria on a mission... partly to shop to perk myself up and partly to buy Steve a little something for our date. I had wanted to buy him something Brady Bunch related but decided that if I couldn't find anything I would stop at a McDonald's near North Station to buy him a book of gift certificates.

So I looked around Cambridgeside for a while. I didn't find anything, so I went and got my hair cut at one of the places in the mall... basically, I just got it trimmed up and polished off. Anyway, that was $19 and I made a mental note to go to SuperKuts next time. --Hey, I'm a college student, so $ counts.

After the haircut, I looked around the mall a bit more, bought a cinnamon roll & a card for Steve, and then headed back towards the North Station T stop. Well, I went into the McDonald's and tried to order a book of gift certificates. The lady was clueless. "Certificates?" she asked in a broken, what-the-hell-you-talking-about voice. I said "Gift Certificates" and looked to make sure that they were indeed on the menu. So, she yelled back to her manager, "He want cer-tifi-cates." And the manager replied, "We don't got none." and it was still pretty aparent that he didn't know what I was talking about either. So I left.

When I stopped at the Park Street T station, I remembered that there was a flower stand. I went over and bought 6 yellow roses for $3 and got back on the T. But while I was on the T, I realized that I told Adam (my ex-) that I wouldn't buy anyone else yellow roses... and while he could have never found out about it, I knew and felt guilty... I mean, it would have been different even if Steve and I were in a deep relationship, but we weren't. So when I got here, I opened them up and put them in a cobalt blue Arizona Iced Tea bottle that I'd taken the labels off.

All I had was the card, so I needed something else. I remembered that Steve said that he liked licorice, so I went to the little convient store next to my apartment and bought him a package. It was only fifty cents; I needed something more.

I came back and got the phone book out. I called a McDonald's about 10-15 minutes away from here and asked if they had gift certificates. The lady knew what I meant and said that they did.

So I walked to the McDonald's, waited in line, and asked for a $5 book of gift certificates when I got to the counter. He had no idea what I was talking about, but I was not leaving again... especially since I knew they had them. I said "gift certificates" again and he tried to repeat what I was saying, but he couldn't. He turned and looked at the overhead menu... I said, "Below 'cookies'... see it says gift certificates." I know that sometimes my southern accent throws people off, but I knew I wasn't saying "gift certificates" any different from normal. So I asked the guy that was standing next to me, "You know what I mean, don't you?" He said "yeah" and then he tried to help. He was closer to where "gift certficates" appeared on the menu, so he pointed and described the location to the employee. Finally, this employee, too, had to yell for the manager, but this time, the manager came out from. The employee pointed to the menu and said "gif cer-tif-i-kat" and then the manager asked me in regular English if I wanted a book of gift certificates, I said yes and handed him the five dollar bill. He went in the back and brought me a book... and the reason this little section about gift certificates is so long here in my on-line diary is that I was pretty frustrated. I mean, McDonald's employee should have to pass an English test before getting a job... drugs tests are performed almost everywhere, but I could probably better communicate with a doped up person than one that doesn't speak English... and this isn't just some xenophobic thought. The people at North Station were African-American, but they had their own unique dialogue; one lacking noun-verb agreement and aparently lacking the word "gift".

Anyway, I finally got the gift certificates and came back here where I found a message on the answering machine from Steve. He said that he was at work but was calling to say that The Village of the Damned was on at Copley at 10:30 and to make arrangements to meet." So I got ready, fully anticipating to meet him at around 10:15 or so since he told me that he was going to that friend's show or whatever. But he called at 8:05-ish and said that he went to it the night before and was free. So we agreed to meet at 9 at the waterfalls in Copley. He added that this was a casual date (i.e. he wasn't going to shave or dress up) I said fine and that I was just wearing a sweater and jeans.

I got to Copley at around 8:45PM and waited until 9:10PM then I realized that he might have meant a different waterfall (There's one at the Westin Hotel entrance and one in the middle of the mall) So I walked to mall waterfall, but he wasn't there. When I was walking back to the Westin waterfall, I passed him.

One of the first things that he said was that he wasn't having a good day... but we walked to the Copley theatres and he said that he had to call and charge "it". I mean, I couldn't tell whether he was going to pay for both tickets like he said or not... so we went to a payphone and I stood along the opposite wall of the hallway staring at him while he was mouthing along with the "Moviefon" guy. I was smiling/laughing at how cute he was, how much I liked his red hair, how cute I thought his "dressing down" outfit was, and how he was mouthing along. I then saw that after he entered his credit card number, he pressed 2, and thus, two tickets.

After he got off the phone, I told him how I was smiling at how cute he was and how that he didn't looked dressed down. He said that he wasn't; he'd decided to keep on the nicer jeans and the new sweater that he'd bought earlier yesterday.

So we went upstairs to Sbarro and each got a piece of pizza; me pepperoni, him cheese. I paid. He'd offered to go Dutch, but I told him that since he paid for the movie, I would at least pay for the food. (It was only $6)

We ate and talked then walked around the mall again. He said that he really wanted to go outside for about five minutes. Hanging around Norm enough to know what that means, we went downstairs and outside for him a cigarette. He smoked it while explain how the coffee-shop nearby was gay and how the spot where we stood was where he realized that he was gay.

We went back inside after one cigarette and to the movies... we went into the theatre and he sat in the back row. I'd never sat in the back row before, but... So we're sitting there talking before the movie then I see a red headed guy that goes to BU and he sits right in front of me... I mean, this is a guy that I've taken note of several hundred times while on campus, but I didn't even look at him more than twice at the movie theatre. I was more interested in Steve.

So the movie started and I pulled out the licorice. Steve was very happy... a few minutes before, I'd explained something about how it was hard to read him and he said that he was like "Patrick Swayze in Ghost... 'ditto' is about it for me" But after I gave him the licorice, he said that he was really excited and asked how I knew he liked it. I told him that he mentioned it the other day and that I listen to everything. And by the movie's end, he'd eaten it all.

After the movie was over, we walked back toward to T station and talked about the movie... he didn't like it; I did. But as we neared the T station, I could tell that he wasn't walking toward it as I had planned. I mean, I'd told him that I had bought him something and that it was back here (the gift certificates). I'd intentionally left them here so that he would go back here, but as we stood near the T stop, I could tell that coming back here was not in his plans. So I asked, "So what now?" He said that it was 12:15 and that he was really tired so he was just going to go back to his dorm and go to sleep... well, I was distraught... last week a handshake and then this week leaving at 12:15. It was obvious that I wasn't too happy, so we took a walk down the street and back.

We eventually sat down on the steps to the library and talked. He explained about how going back to my apartment was at a higher level of commitment than we had. I asked him what he thought I was planning on doing. He said "nothing", just going there was in itself the higher commitment level. So we talked some more and he also said that he really had fun, but was indeed tired and that he wanted to keep us at friendship level for now since I am leaving in two weeks. I told him that I was a logical person and realized that I'm leaving in two weeks. I also told him that he was like when I told my mom that I'm gay, she was so worried about someone else hurting me that she was the only person that hurt me. I told him that even if I was dog tired and I was having fun and someone wanted me to go back to his apartment as much as it was obvious that I wanted him to come to mine, I would do it. I explained how when Jeff and Kyung came over, they stayed until 5:30 and I was really tired, but I never once asked them to leave.

I told him that he didn't have to explain and that I would just let him go. I then got up and he said something --I really don't remember what. As we were standing facing each other, I said, "since you aparently haven't read the manual, this is where you say, "Justin, even though I'm really tired and need to sleep, I'll go back to your apartment because I can tell that you really want me to." So he said just that. I then said, "No, only if you really want to... now this is the next page in the manual where I offer you an escape route." He said, "I haven't read the manual, what does the next page say." I told him that I did really want him to go to my apartment, he said okay, he'd go, but that I had to pay for his T fare. I did.

Since it was so late and the T lady was closing up, she let us go through for free. We sat on a bench and talked some more. I said something about taking his picture and he said no. I said "please" and explained how I say please about once every month if that much. He said, "well maybe." About 15 minutes later, the T arrived and we took it back here.

Once here, we talked, I showed him my computer --He read my on-line diary--, I took several pictures of him with the regular camera and two with the 3D camera. We then looked at my c.d.'s and talked about my posters. He yawned so I told him that he could go and that I would call him a cab. He said no, that he would stay until 2:30. So we talked some more and one of the things I remember is that he did say that when I get back in September he wants to go out again (providing things are still the same (no boyfriends that we've gotten over the summer or whatnot)) I gave him my KY address and phone number and told him that I wanted his summer address when he got it so that I could send him a postcard or whatever.

At 2:28AM, I called a cab and said that I'd walk him downstairs. He said that he'd give me a kiss here and walked over to me. He put his right hand on my arm and kissed me. His mouth was open, but it wasn't a French kiss... sort of nibbling, there was mouth movement... nothing I've quite experienced before... I was timid about it too since I didn't know how deep of a kiss he wanted. But we kissed four times with kisses that were more than pecks but less than deep. His lips were really firm. And then I walked him downstairs where we waited for the cab. When it got there, he said, "I'll call you tomorrow" and then he left. I was in bliss. For some reason, I was so afraid that he wasn't going to kiss me... I mean, I really wanted him to. And he did...

I don't know what will happen this fall, but I definitely am attracted to him and do hope to go out with him again.... now I have another reason to come back to BU

... and I'm still on a high from last night...

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