My life... August 1995

August 1, 1995


Last night my dad called home and Mom explained about Jackie getting hit. After she'd talked for a bit, I asked her for the phone and told Dad how she'd been acting. He said she was being foolish and told me he wanted to talk to her again. Immediately she pulled herself together. I tried not to, but couldn't stop laughing. I'd tried all day to get her to stop crying and he could do it in a few minutes. Guess that's what being married is all about.

This morning Mom bought another Jack Russell Terrier and took it with her to meet Dad and my brother.

A few minutes ago Rob and I had yet another heated discussion about the RJ stuff. It seems that we're arguing way too much and I think the major reason is that he doesn't trust my business sense. Seems life is full of irony lately.

While content is definitely a major part of why you're reading this, you probably got started on my page because of the way it looks. --Well, actually, access reports say that you probably got started because you were looking for pictures of naked guys-- But I mean, generic food probably tastes exactly the same as name brands, but almost everyone pays more money for the flashy colors and koool packaging. If you'd found my page to be nothing more than text without organization, do you think you'd have delved far enough into it to see this? Yet, Rob seems to think that I don't know how to market something... and at the same time, he wants to create a company that's capable of everything. As I told him, "You're planning the overtaking of Wal-Mart before you've opened the general store."

I can understand his not wanting to limit the company in name or otherwise so that it can't grow, but we have to start somewhere.

August 2, 1995


After I closed the store last night, I called Rob as usual. He told me about his day and then said he was sorry for arguing, that he realized I was right, and that he loved me. I told him I never doubt that (that he loves me) for a second, but that he was going to have to trust my marketing ability like I trusted his computer ability.

We talked for about twenty or thirty minutes then I went home and called him back... at around 1:30AM, I went to bed.

August 4, 1995


Well, yesterday I got the PA kit from BU and started writing letters to my advisees. I thought my hand was going to fall off, but I managed to hand write (it was required) sixteen letters. Otherwise I haven't done much.

August 5, 1995


I just got a call from a Justin's Koool Page reader. And I realize that calling me is the only way that people think they'll get noticed... but truth be known, calling me just reminds me how much I have online and makes me want to retreat. This isn't the first time someone's called either.

I guess I should get used to it... but somehow it feels as though this is all too real. I mean, this is real, but there's a certain departure from it. It's like I'm typing my diary into my computer and then the computer is replying. But when an actual human voice is on the phone talking about my life, it's a little scary. I guess it's sort of like being famous, but moreso. Like, take Christian Slater (I know I'd take him) he's famous and people love to know all about his personal life. With me, you guys do know all about my personal life...

Oh well, life goes on... I'm not going to let the thought of some crazy guy trying to kill me slow me down one bit.

In other news, The RJ stuff is coming along. I'm almost done with my part and Rob's getting started on his.

Speaking of the RJ stuff, I didn't mean to sound like a smart ass the other day when I wrote about how I knew marketing. My mail flow has considerably dropped since then. I thought about going back and changing it, but once it's written, it's written. I was feeling like Rob thought I was marketing incompetent and I wanted to say, "See, I know what people want." I know it probably came off like I was thinking I was king or something, but I really didn't mean it that way.... modesty has never been one of my strong points. Forgive me?


Well, the guy called back and caught me off guard again, but it wasn't quite as unnerving. We talked for about five minutes then he said he was going to send me e-mail.

A few hours later, I got his e-mail and he seems like a sincere guy who simply thinks I'm "koool" (His word choice, not mine). Heck, he even offered to buy my plane ticket for me to visit his boyfriend and him... he even said Rob could come along. But I don't think I'll be going to California anytime soon.

Anyway, he was just a normal guy and everything's fine.

A few minutes ago, I got a letter from a guy in the UK named Andy. It put everything back into perspective. Sometimes I think I "believe my own press" as the saying goes, but his letter was just so sincere and heartfelt. He told me how he'd recently come out to his parents and how he was using my picture as his computer's wallpaper. When he said that, I remembered how I used Eddy's picture as my wallpaper when I first got onto the WWW. I remembered how much he and Jase affected me. If I hadn't found their sites, mine wouldn't be here... and thus the chain begins. Andy said he wanted to create a web site after seeing mine and many of you already have. More will create theirs after reading yours and soon there will be no need to hide.

August 7, 1995


Well, I got my one of my loan applications back and it was denied. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I do know that I'm fed up with everything.


I've had time to think a bit and I'm still unsure about what I'm going to do, but I'm not stressing as much as I was. I'm once again doubting the merits of attending college. Everyone (all of you guys and Rob) keep telling me that I should definitely continue my education, but I've never been one to follow others advice. Who knows; only time will tell.

In better news, I also found in my mail a large envelope from the Boston Museum of Science. It said that Rob bought me the moon. Well, he actually bought a crater on the moon and gave it to me. In all honesty, though, my mind was focused on the loan denial when I read the certificate and I didn't take time to look it over. I feel like a heel for not giving it more attention. Today has not been good.


I'm in a daze.

I was working here at the video store when I looked up to see Chris walking towards the counter. It wasn't that guy that looked like Chris; this was him... and I was awake.

I went to the counter and said hi although I was certain he could hear the quiver in my voice. I could barely make the sound come out and my heart fluttered.

I leaned against the counter and looked at him. The conversation started slowly at first, "Working a lot?" he asked. I managed to reply a broken, "Ye-ah." I then asked him if he did the same.

We continued talking and eventually made it to a normal pace. We talked about the "good 'ole days", how I thought of him when I drove behind his house, how he worked at a prison, how he still had braces, and any other little thing I could think about.

For thirty minutes, we talked about nothing in particular. The fact that he'd stopped by to see me said more than any words could contain.

We walked around the store, looking at various videos, and then a customer came in. Chris picked up a box and in a loud voice said, "Disclosure... that's one great movie." (as to hint that the customer should rent it) He hadn't changed a bit except for the mustache on his face.

We then came to the True Lies standee and Chris commented on Jamie Lee Curtis. "Mmm Mmm Mmm... Jamie Lee Curtis" is what I think he said. I told him that she had a strip scene in it and that he should check it out.

We walked on around to the front of the store and somehow he mentioned that there were a few girls he "wouldn't mind marrying so he'd get a large piece of land." I think that was his way of telling me that he wasn't gay. But, anyway, I asked him who they were and he told me.

In response to that, I said, "Well, I don't have anyone 'significant'." A "significant other" would have been too gay and I didn't want to scare him. I thought he'd gotten that second card, but I didn't know. (In hindsight, Rob is significant, but at that moment, I could think of no one except Chris.)

Chris explained how that wasn't the reason that he quit talking to me, that it didn't really even shock him. I told him that I knew, that it was because I was too intense.

I then mentioned how I was starting an Internet business since I'd had some success at it and showed him the NetGuide article. He responded, "You're wierd boy." and laughed. That, too, was characteristic of Chris, so I simply responded, "Same as always." He said, "Right."

We talked some more and then finally he said he was heading home. I told him that I'd be in Richmond until the end of the month, so that if he wanted to do anything, just give me a call. He said okay and responded that if he didn't see me before I left, to have fun in Boston. I told him "You, too... but not in Boston" and he waved as he walked out the door.

I've been in a daze ever since. I finally have closure. I'm still in shock. I tried calling Rob to tell him what happened, but I could barely think for replaying the scene in my mind.

In slightly less wonderful news, seeing Chris only reminded me what it's like to be head over heels. Like I've said before, I think I'll need a red head to ever be head over heels again.


I just fixed Chris a card which reads:
Thanks for stopping by.
It meant a lot to me.
I'll mail it tomorrow... wouldn't want him to think I was trying to smother him again.

August 8, 1995


Well, I mailed the card last night before I went home... and this morning, I had quite a realization. Whenever Chris was reading the NetGuide article, all I thought was "Wonder if he'll think twice about the 'art gallery' part?" I completely forgot the part that read "Take part in Justin's Interactive Search for His Red Headed Knight. What? You don't have red hair?" Surely he couldn't have read that without thinking of himself. I thought he was saying "You're wierd boy." in response to the art gallery... but now I'm sure it was because of the red head stuff. Oh well, at least now he knows I find him attractive.


After I wrote that, I went to Best Buy in Lexington. I'd debated backing up my computer with a tape drive for the last few days and decided that I should, that if my computer crashed again, I'd go insane.

So I went to Best Buy anticipating the purchase of the Iomega Ditto tape drive. I'd really wanted a Zip drive which functions with 100MB disks and acts like a portable hard drive but I'd heard they were on severe backorder... of course, I couldn't wait.

But as I looked at the tape drives, I noticed a single Zip drive sitting above a sign that read "As Advertised: $199.97" Luckily, I still had $225 left on my Best Buy card, so I grabbed the Zip drive, paid for it, and returned home. I've been playing with it ever since. It's amazing...

August 9, 1995


This morning I called the second bank where I applied for an educational loan. (I'd called on Monday and was told that I should have a decision shortly.) After being on hold today for almost ten minutes, I was told that it was still in processing for some unknown reason, but that it would be placed "at the top of the pile" and I should know within a "few days." Tuition is due next Wednesday.

In much better news, Rob got the RJ computer today. Hopefully, it'll function as the motivator that I've tried to be.

August 11, 1995


Well, yesterday I called about the loan and found out that I'd been denied again. Long story short, I'm not going back to college... and I'm okay with it.

But I do want to go back to Boston as soon as possible. So I drove to Lexington this morning to buy a Boston Globe and am now looking through the apartment classifieds. Rob's helping me with locations since I don't know one part of town from the other and hopefully I'll be back in Boston before next month.


I think I just had another real life intervention into Justin's Life.

I was here at the video store when a guy came to the counter with the Interview With The Vampire box. As the computer searched for his account, I noticed that he watching my every movement but I kept my eyes directly on the screen... and then I noticed his Lexmark shirt. (Lexmark is a company located in Lexington (about twenty minutes away) and also a company that had an employee accessing my pages)

I rented the movie to him as normal and then started writing this... It now seems obvious to me that the distinction between online life and off is disappearing... and I think I'm starting to like it. --I've got that feeling you get when you're nearing the top of a roller coaster. You know you're going to enjoy what's coming but you're a little scared at the same time.

August 12, 1995


As I was driving to town about an hour ago, I was planning how I was going to word today's entry, how I was going to go on and on about the various things that stressed me out... little did I know the stress was only beginning.

Currently, there's a locksmith trying to get me back in my dad's truck. (My mom drove my car on an out of town trip.)


Okay, he came in and gave me the keys and I gave him $20...

The locking myself out of the truck typifies today. I'd love to just take a day off from life and do, worry, and think about absolutely nothing.

You name it: Today I've stressed about it... everything from AIDS, to melanoma, to Rob, to apartment finding, to job finding, to bill paying, to my hearing being muffled, to business starting, to getting back to Boston, to almost everything. I'm so emotionally drained. Life seems to be going no where, and I'm surviving on my last nerve.

August 14, 1995


Well, yesterday and today have been better... though I did have to do some "unpleasant" tasks.

This morning I called Kate at COM and told her that my loans had been denied. She was concerned and said that she was sorry to hear it. She asked me a few questions about the why's and when's of it all and said that she couldn't think of anything to help but would speak to Dr. Root about my situation. I told her that I didn't expect anything, that they'd already done all they could. She closed by saying that she'd give me a call back tomorrow. I interjected, "Well, I was wondering about the PA stuff?" She told me not to worry about it right now, and I said ok.

I then proceeded to call Helen and inform her of how I wasn't returning to BU but would still be back in Boston. We talked for about ten minutes then a friend of Jeff's, Adam, arrived at the store.

I talked to Adam for a while--about Jeff for the most part--, but after about thirty minutes, he told me that he was headed towards Lexington to pick up a lawnmower. He quickly added that he'd be back later this afternoon and hinted that he'd like to get together with me to talk sometime. So I coaxed an actual invitation out of him and we agreed to meet later this afternoon "for coffee". I don't know where we're going or what we're doing, but I'll be glad to actually interact with another human being again.


While I was waiting for Adam to return, I got a call from the guy in LA who'd called before and invited me to come to California for a mini vacation. He was calling to say that he'd read about my recent stressing and was wanting to re-offer the trip. I talked to him for a while and it all sort of blows me away. I can't believe that someone would actually want to meet me enough to fly me to California and to let me drive his car around and to let me stay in his guest house. He has a guy and stressed that he's not interested in getting me there for sexual reasons, and I believe him. Who knows, though. I told him that I'd talk to Rob about it.


Adam arrived back at the store around 3PM and we headed towards Applebee's for a lite lunch. We talked about his life, about me going back to Boston, and other chit chat. He also mentioned how Jeff, my ex-, has his picture in the September issue of OUT magazine in the section about Boston Pride Week.

After eating, we headed back to the video store and he asked me if I was doing anything Thursday afternoon. I told him that I didn't know of anything, that we could see a movie if he wanted. He said okay... it's not a date, though. I don't think there's sexual attraction for either of us. But he is someone to do something with before I leave for Boston... life was starting to look up.

But when I got back to the store, I found another e-mail from Rob harassing me about my web page designs. It read, in part, "I think we should strive to adhere to HTML 3.0 standards and not Netscape "extensions" on official [RJ] pages." He's only seen three screen captures of my pages and knows good and well that I've used only minimal Netscape extensions... but he continues to press on... and I'm very tired of it all. While dozens of you wrote today to tell me to cheer up, he wrote to harp on things that have already been discussed and finalized.

That trip to LA by myself is looking nicer every minute.


I've got a date. Yesterday I got e-mail from a guy, Andy, who lives in Lexington and has bright red hair. He e-mailed me, I e-mailed him, and so on until he gave me his phone number. Long story short, I just finished talking with him and we've arranged to meet at the Lexington Green theatre to see Something To Talk About later tonight. I'm pretty excited.

On to August 15th...

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