My life... August 15-31, 1995

August 15, 1995


Well, last night I headed towards Lexington eagerly anticipating my meeting with Andy. I was supposed to arrive at The Cafe Joesph-Beth at 9:30PM, but didn't make it until 9:37PM. I walked in and immediately spotted a bright red headed guy who looked somewhat gay. He smiled at me and I smiled back. As I walked over to his table, he stood up and shook my hand.

I was sitting there thinking how he was indeed bright red headed but was also noticably gay... a blue earring in his right ear and an AIDS walk t-shirt would confirm anyone's suspicions.

He immediately asked me why I was obsessed with red heads, and I didn't have much of an answer. I was sorta taken off guard by his outness and thus, I wasn't really talkative... sorta taking it all in, so to speak.

After a few minutes passed, I told him that he reminded me of someone but I couldn't think of whom. He asked whether that was good or bad, to which I responded that that I didn't know. He smirked and sipped his tea.

These very gay older guys that knew Andy came into the cafe. Andy got up and gave them both a hug before introducing them to me. At that moment, all I could think was "Whoa. This guy is just too gay." --I'm one of those guys who behaves pretty much like a straight guy: I don't go in for all that hugging and mush.

I shook the two older guys' hands and Andy sat back down.

The waiter brought me a glass of water while Andy and I talked. Eventually, he asked me what I thought of him. I answered that he was more gay than I'd anticipated, but he did indeed have bright red hair. He laughed.

After talking for a little bit more, we headed to the theatre across the road to see Something To Talk About. We simply went inside, I picked a seat, and sat down.

During the movie, Andy commented how Kyra Sedgewick's character could have been a lesbian and that was about all he said. It was becoming clearer every minute that being gay wasn't just part of Andy's life... it was the definition of it.

After the movie was over, we headed towards our cars and I was anticipating getting in mine and heading home. He, however, said for me to sit down on a grassy spot and talk.

We talked for about thirty minutes before I realized who he reminded me of... my first boyfriend Adam. If Adam could have been repackaged as a red head, Andy would have been the result. When he told me his views on sex and family, it was like a flashback...

As the night progressed, I opened up more and soon realized that Andy wasn't bad; he just wasn't my type. Physically, he was nice... a bright red haired guy with chest hair and a pretty cute face... but he was just too gay for me... I guess my ideal guy would be a red haired, furry chested guy with the innocence and morals of a country boy... not dumb and not really naive, but sweet and loving. I know one day I'll find him.


This morning I called Kate and she confirmed that there was nothing else COM could do to help me get back to BU. I told her that she'd already done more than I expected then asked her what to do about the Peer Advising stuff. She told me not to worry about it, that they would handle it when the students arrived on campus. She then told me to call her in a few months and let her know what I was doing. She seemed genuinely concerned, so perhaps I will, but I doubt it.

August 18, 1995


Lately, I've been apartment hunting and that's about it. I've found a few real estate agencies in Boston which look promising, but I know any apartments listed now will be gone by the time I get back.

Speaking of gettting back, I've arranged to get a plane ticket through the Internet. I still haven't confirmed it but if all goes as planned, I should be leaving September 11th. More on that later...

Yesterday, I went to see the movie Virtuosity with Adam as planned. It was a really koool movie and I was especially taken with the fact that Russell Crowe of The Sum of Us and Kelly Lynch of Three of Hearts were two of the three main stars.


If today I were a postal worker, you wouldn't want to be in the post office. I'm about one comment taken the wrong way from completely exploding.

As I walked in the store a few minutes ago, Mom smiled and I started to cry... but I couldn't cry. My brother's girlfriend's parents were here; they were getting ready to eat dinner with my parents. And so I tried to stifle my tears, but I was only partially effective. As her parents said hello, I smiled and tried not to make eye-to-eye contact. I was sure they were going to ask what was wrong. To which, I would have simply said, "allergies." But they didn't mention anything before I started to wait on a customer.

As I was waiting for the computer to find the guy's account, the tears started. Once again, "allergies" was going to be the response to the question that didn't get asked.

And now I'm here typing on the computer, hoping no one else comes into the store.

I think I can actually feel the ulcers growing inside me. I just don't think I can handle any more stress. It feels like I'm either going to cry for days or take hostages.

Today I spent five hours at home waiting for a PrimeStar digital satellite technician who never came. The only break from the monotony was a call from the virtual travel agency where I'd ordered my plane ticket. They were calling to say that no discounts were available, and thus I canceled my order.

I'm so tired of dealing with people who aren't worth spitting on.

August 19, 1995


I've decided that I'm not going to stress about anything... at least not today. I've taken care of everything that's taken-care-able. I've ordered my plane ticket (directly from Delta to return on September 11th) and I've apartment searched (as much as possible without looking first hand.)

Today is my day. I'm going to take it easy and try to think as little as possible.

August 22, 1995


The past few days have been pretty average. I haven't been stressing about too much nor have I been doing anything special.

Today, I created a news flash about these pages, but that's been about it. Tonight I'm working here at the video store... 20 days until my life resumes

August 23, 1995


Today I'm stuck here at the store from 10AM to 10PM. I've cleaned the place some and worked on RJ stuff. So basically, there has been no excitement in my life today. I'm hoping my plane ticket arrived in the mail today, but I won't know until I go home.

August 24, 1995


Well, I didn't find my plane ticket in the mail last night, but it was there this morning. Hooray!


Today I replied to about 50 e-mails, so that leaves about 450 to go.

August 25, 1995


Last night I finally got around to watching Forrest Gump and I really wish I hadn't. Instead of this wonderful, feel-good movie that I was anticipating, I found one that left me depressed and thinking.

Not only did everyone who was important in Forrest's life die, but I couldn't help but feel some parallel to Jenny and him with Rob and myself. Forrest was a great guy who loved Jenny as much as he knew how, but Jenny wanted to explore the world and live on the wild side. Only when it was too late did she realize that she'd had what she always wanted. I told Rob the other day that he's the best thing that ever happened to me, but at the same time, I'm still desperately looking for that red head. After thinking last night, I realized that Rob and I have only spent two weeks together total. I've done nothing but hear his voice since his trip to Kentucky. I haven't seen his smile, touched his face, or smelled his odor in months. How could I possibly expect to be ga-ga over him when we've barely had any physical interaction. I mean, even the way I oooh'd and aaaw'd over Steve has disappeared.

In much lighter news, tonight I'm going to the Kentucky State Fair. It should be fun.

August 26, 1995


After an hour and a half of driving yesterday, I arrived at Gate 2 of the Kentucky State Fair where a young female ticket taker greeted me by saying, I thought, "You got nice ass." I assumed it was slang for "I like your car." since she eyed my car immediately afterwards, but realized a few seconds later that she said, "You got nice eyes." I couldn't stop grinning.

With my ear to ear grin, I found a parking place and headed for the horse stables to see Mom and Dad. (Dad trains horses for a living.) When I got there, Mom, who was wearing a dress and looking very nice, gave me a hug before hurrying me off to the show ring. As I watched my brother show, I remembered how horses never had and never will interest me. For the most part, I focused on a red headed guy who was giving out the ribbons. I even videotaped him so I could remember the moment and possibly add his picture here when I get a video capture card.

Once the class was over, I went down to the exhibits, a place where people sell anything and everything you could possibly imagine. I walked through isle after isle of almost entirely junk, but then I came to the Kentucky Lottery booth. Last year, the first year that I could legally play, I'd bought five dollars worth of tickets and thus won the right to spin the big wheel. All I got was a T-shirt, but it was fun. This year, I was determined to try my luck again.

So I bought five dollars worth of tickets and scratched them off. I won $21 before spinning, and after spinning, I'd won $21 and a pen filled with shredded money. It wasn't the big prize that I wanted, but the pen is koool, nevertheless.

As I finished looking through the exhibits, nothing really caught my eye except what I thought was a pager. I've already decided that I'm getting one when I get back to Boston so anytime I see one that looks interesting, I take note. This, however, wasn't really a pager, but just a series of lights in pager housing. I couldn't figure out what I'd ever do with it, so I went on.

After catching up with Mom, I brought her down to the Kentucky Lottery booth where I gave her $5. After spinning the wheel, all she won was a dollar and a pen.

Since Mom played the lottery for me, she wanted me to eat ostrich for her. So we headed towards the carnival rides where "The Great Kentucky Cookout" tent was set up. Luckily, the ostrich burger stand was closed.

Since we were already nearby, we went on into the carnival area where I saw a girl wearing one of those fake pagers. It immediately hit me that I could use one to get attention in a Boston club.

I told Mom that I wanted to go back to the exhibits and explained why. It was 9:45PM, the exhibits closed at 10, and I had no idea where the "pager" booth was located, so we went up and down each isle looking for it. By 10 o'clock, the booths were closed and no faux pager had been found.

We went back to the horse show and I thought out my possibilities for getting one. The two most reasonable options were a) have Mom get it for me when they opened Saturday morning and b) not return to Richmond until later Saturday so that I could get it myself. Long story short, I called Amanda to tell her to open the video store because I wouldn't be returning home until 1PM.

We went back to the motel room and to bed.

This morning, Mom, Dad, and I went back to the fairgrounds a little before 10AM. Mom and I went to the exhibits and started looking on the opposite end from where we started last night for the faux pager. We'd gotten to the next to last isle when I started to think that I was crazy, that I must have imagined seeing them. We then went around to the last row (the first row last night) and there they were. I don't know how we missed them.

It's now 2:50PM and I'm here at the video store. Last night I once again realized how much I need to get back into the land of the living. It was so nice to see people... to lust... I can barely imagine actually having friends again. I hope I remember what to do.

August 28, 1995


Yesterday, I spent about 10 hours working on RJ stuff. It's now 95% completed. Of course, Rob still has a lot to do before we'll be ready, but it's getting closer every day.

Speaking of getting closer, I leave for Boston two weeks from today. I can't wait.

August 29, 1995


Today I'm in pain which isn't stress related. Today, the pain is physical.

At around 8AM this morning, I woke, got dressed, and headed towards London, KY (about an hour away) with my mother... to have my wisdom teeth extracted.

We arrived at the office building and went inside to find the oral surgeon's office closed. Apparently, they'd developed an improved way for patients to wait. I mean, it's pretty much a given fact that you'll have to wait when you go to a doctor's office; they just created a way where they didn't have to wait with you.

Fifteen minutes after our apointment was scheduled, the receptionist opened the door.

We went inside and I started filling out the medical forms when I came to the "Health Conditions" section. The first question asked, "Have you ever been tested for Aquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome?" I checked Yes. The next question, "If so, was your test positive?" I checked No, and for the rest of the questions, the answer was "No."

I couldn't help but think about how the people reading that form would think I was having sex. Chances are, you're wondering the same thing. Why would I ever have had an HIV test if I haven't had sex? The answer is: I'm extremely paranoid and whenever I thought Adam (my first boyfriend) and I were getting pretty close, I wanted him to be tested since he wasn't a virgin. --I knew we weren't going to have sex, but like I said, I'm extermely paranoid and didn't want to risk anything. Adam, hating needles, would only agree to be tested if I was as well. It was a fair request in my mind, and thus we were both tested.

So as I sat talking to Mom in the waiting room, that thought kept going through my mind... eventually, though, it subsided.

A few minutes later, I was taken back to the x-ray machine and then on into a medical room where I sat in the reclining chair. The lady asked me a few health questions and then gave me an "Informed Consent" form to sign. I read over it and noticed several "may result in death."'s on the end of sentences. But, I was logical enough to know that they were just covering their behind in case anything went wrong. So I signed the form and waited for another ten minutes.

During those ten minutes, I couldn't think about how someone was actually going to go in my mouth to cut and jerk my teeth out. Instead, I memorized the placement of everything. Before I was moved into the actual surgery room, I had read the side of glove box at least ten times and noted everything from the Dictaphone to the automatic sink.

As I entered the surgery room, I noticed my x-ray placed on the lighted screen and a tray full of needles. I sat in the chair and started to vibrate. When I get nervous or scared, I still think rationally, but I vibrate. I told the assistant, "I'm a little nervous." To which, she answered, "That's normal. Don't worry. You'll feel a little prick in your arm and the next thing you know, you'll be asking if we were sure we got them all."

That said, she took my left arm and placed a blood pressure guage around it. She then took my right hand and clipped something to my finger. The surgeon told her to remove it and he had me make a fist. I felt the little prick and ten seconds later, everything had a dreamy state to it.

From time to time, I would open my eyes but the only thing I remember seeing was a curved needle going in my mouth to stitch the holes. Oh, and I do remember them having to saw my tooth apart before removing it. (Something that I'd read about earlier in a wisdom teeth removal handbook)

The next thing I knew, Mom was in the room and I asked the assistant if she was sure they got them all. To me, it seemed as though I'd been sitting there for five minutes and nothing had been done to my top wisdom teeth at all. --The holes in my mouth prove differently.

I heard the lady say that I was all done and I got up out of the chair. She told me to sit back down and instructed Mom to bring the car around to the back door so that I could be helped out. The two of them braced me as I walked to the car.

Although I was still in a semi-dream like state, I talked with Mom to explain what had happened and looked in the mirror to see my blood covered lips. --I was going to take a picture of it to include here, but I didn't have my camera with me.-- In what seemed to be less than ten minutes, we were back at the video store.

I'm waiting for a chance to go home. Right now, things are sort of delayed and my brain is having problems processing correctly. The pain pills say that they may cause drowsiness, so add sleep on top of that. If this entry makes any sense at all, I'll be happy.

August 30, 1995


Well, my head is doing loops right now, so I doubt this entry will make too much sense or be very coherent. With that said, I'm doing okay. I'm not in that much pain, but it's sort of freaky to see a huge hole in the back of my mouth. (Apparently the stiches came out.) Last night I was worried that food was going to get stuck down in it before it grew back together.

Anyway, I slept almost all yesterday and should probably be sleeping now. More later...


Earlier today, Mom brought me a turkey sandwich. I took one bite and had to spit it out. But determined to eat, I put it in the blender, added some water, and made a turkey sandwich purée. Sure, I couldn't identify the tomato from the bread, but it tasted just the same.

After Mom finishes work tonight, she's taking me to Wal-mart to buy a briefcase. (I don't know if I should be driving to the video store, so I'm not going to press my luck by driving across the town. And I know I don't really have to have a briefcase tonight, but waiting for necessity has never been me either.)

I've been saving $20 from my horse track winnings when Rob visited Kentucky and I can think of nothing better to spend it on than a briefcase to contain the RJ stuff... sort a Misery-esque luck charm.

August 31, 1995


Well, my ability to concentrate is still coming and going so...

Anyway, last night Mom and I went to Wal-mart, but couldn't find any standard briefcases. I eventually purchased a leather case which I think was intended to carry notebook computers. It was $70 and thus more than I'd anticipated paying, but I like the design and it has a professional look.

As far as my teeth are concerned, the holes in my mouth seem to be getting larger... and food keeps getting stuck down in them. I've decided that I'm eating nothing that isn't water-soluble until my mouth is better healed. I can't stand sucking chunks of food out any more. Yuck!

On to September...

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