My life... December 1 - 4, 1995

December 1, 1995


Wednesday morning, Larry ran some errands while I stayed here at the house.

At a little after 3PM, we started heading to the NBC studios to see a taping of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Don, Larry's friend, had gotten VIP tickets from a friend of his, Chris, who works at NBC.

Anyway, once we'd found the public relations office, I went inside and picked up the three tickets. (Three because we thought Rich might go.) I then came back outside and Larry parked his car in the reserved parking lot per Chris's instructions.

Once it was obvious that Rich wasn't coming, Larry called to see if his cook, Eddie, was interested in using the third ticket. He was.

While we were waiting for Eddie to arrive, Larry called Chris to see if he got an employee discount on the NBC merchandise. Long story short, Chris came to meet us and technically bought the shirts for Larry, Rich, and myself.

As 4:30PM neared, Eddie arrived and soon after, we were taken into the studio. We sat on the front row of the upper section.

For the next hour and a half/two hours, we watched the taping of Wednesday's show. It was fun, but it wasn't as grandiose as I had expected. In the TV, everyone looks so huge and larger than life, but from 30 feet away they seemed miniscule... no more important than the audience members.

As the studio audience was leaving, Larry called Chris to see if he was still around and to get the private tour. We met Chris in the lobby, were signed passed security, and began to look around. It was koool. I once again was going around in "restricted areas".

Before the night at NBC was over, I saw Days of Our Lives' props, touched a prop on the Wednesday night Tonight Show, and was given a C.D. containing theme songs for all the shows in the 1995-96 NBC season which was marked "... THIS DISK IS NOT TO BE SOLD, GIVEN AWAY OR OTHERWISE TRANSFERRED, AND SHOULD BE DESTROYED AT THE END OF THE CURRENT BROADCAST SEASON." Koool

Once the NBC tour was over, Larry and I got into the car and headed towards Rich's house. After stopping at McDonald's to bring dinner, we arrived and went inside.

Larry and I explained that we'd missed Rich and had worried about him since we hadn't heard from in two days and not since Sunday night. Rich then said that he was uncomfortable with what happened Sunday night... words I desperately didn't want to hear.

Rich further explained his feeling by saying, "I don't ever want it to happen again." Pretty definititive to me.

The meal went on, Larry layed on Rich's leg, and I kept quiet... intentionally, wanting Larry to notice.

Eventually he did and asked about it. I told him that I felt like I was the kid who got kicked out of the sandbox. They were still happy with each other, but I was removed from the group. It was as though all the specialness that Sunday night possessed for me had been ripped apart. I put my face down into my arms.

Larry and Rich talked for a bit while I layed there and then Larry came over to sit on top of me and give me a hug. He told Rich to hug me, too, and he followed instructions... which made it even worse. It was as though the whole time he'd not really liked me but was following Larry.

I said as much and a few minutes later, Larry told Rich to go in the bathroom with him. I heard Larry explain to Rich why I was upset and then I stopped listening. For a good while they stayed in there talking then came back into the bed/t.v. room.

Larry said something about Rich seeing the pictures he'd taken and went out to the car to get them. In the meantime, I was still laying in the floor and Rich sat in the chair next to me. He put his foot on my chest and started to make small talk. I did not cooperate.

Before I knew it, Larry was back, they'd looked at the pictures, and the both of them were on the bed. I opened my eyes to see them looking at and hugging each other. It was more than I could stand. I sat up, put my shoes on, and said that I needed to take a walk. Larry told me to be back in 5 minutes. I didn't agree.

But before I'd walked twenty feet from the door, Larry came up behind me and asked what was wrong. I thought this was a totally stupid question and said something like, "I'm upset because Ed McMahon didn't give me the 10 million."

He said that he wasn't going to let me walk alone, and I said that I was going to keep on walking. I did.

We eventually walked around the apartment complex twice before sitting on a parking lot concrete wheel stop. We talked for a few minutes about the what and why of my feelings. I said that I wasn't blaming Rich and I wasn't, but that it hurt just the same. We then went back inside.

We talked some more, and then Rich came over to hug me as I sat on his desk chair. A few minutes of that resulted in an "I love you" from me.

Soon we moved to the bed and talked: Each of us explaining our feelings to Larry who acted like a tacit mediator. Things became as resolved as I thought was possible and I suggested that Larry and I leave to make it home to see The Tonight Show. Larry said that first he'd have beer and during the beer, we all talked some more.

At a little before 11:30PM, we eventually started walking towards the door. Larry walked through it and said that he was going to the car but was going to leave Rich and me to talk with each other.

We talked and explained and somehow (I honestly don't remember.) I calmed down and the two of us hugged repeatedly. I gave him a kiss on the neck and went to the car.

With a huge grin, I told Larry, "It won't be six months" referring to the fact that Larry had said earlier that he thought in six months Rich would be fine with the whole concept. We went home and watched Jay Leno.


Yesterday, I went into work with Larry. For the most part, I wrote postcards and worked on the new Justin's Koool Page. (Due to the extended California stay, it won't be up until Monday. And yes, I know the single quotes have been changed to another character. Darn Macs ) Yesterday, though, I did get e-mail from Rich saying that he'd see me in the morning.

Oh yeah, yesterday night, Larry and I went to dinner with Don and Visnja. We had a really nice meal and then Don suggested we go for a beer at Tommy's, a bar across the street. I really didn't want to go because I knew I'd get denied at the door and I'd have a real problem with the disapproval. Sure, I would be denied because of my age, nothing that I could change, but nevertheless, in my mind, the door guy would be saying, "You're not good enough." I said I'd go wait in the car while Don and Larry had their beers, but they insisted I come along.

We walked up to the door and both Larry and Don went through... then it was my turn and the guy asked for my id. Of course, I didn't pass (and my other id was back in Boston). Larry tried to convince the guy to let me in, but it was pointless.

And so, still arguing about going to the car, I was taken to another bar a little further down the street. It had a completely different feel, a bar & grille type of place, light & airy. Anyway, we sat down and Larry & Don ordered a couple of beers.

The two of them started talking and then Hawaii came on the TV for some reason or the other. Larry told us to look and said "I've never been to Hawaii. Rich's never been to Hawaii. I'd really like to go." I felt like nothing. Combined with the fact that I already felt sub-standard for not being able to drink, the fact that Larry was thinking of going to Hawaii with Rich and without me really hurt. I desperately wanted to be with Larry and Rich, and I would spend every waking moment with them if it were possible. In the near non-stop two weeks that I'd been here, I hadn't tired of Larry in the least and here he was already forgetting about me.

I went into my own little world of thoughts and they continued talking. Pretty soon, Larry noticed that I was dreamy and asked if I was okay. I said that I was and the conversation continued.

And then a few minutes later, the two of them got another beer and poured a bit in a glass for me. I didn't want it and thus, it sat in front of me for several minutes... and then the bartender came over to say "Are you twenty-one?" Needless to say, by this time, I wasn't feeling too great about myself.

After Don and Larry finished their beers, we headed back to our cars to go home. Larry psuedo-forced a hug out of Don, (You know, he's a straight guy and thus has to be nudged to show affection.) and then we got in the Ford Explorer and Don got in his car.

As we started driving home, I told Larry how I felt in the bar. I told him that I was so jealous of the thought of Rich and him going to Hawaii that I could have burst, that I wanted to be included. He said something about how he, too, would want to take me along in his "perfect world" as he calls it. He then went on to say that I was only nineteen and thus had plenty of time to find my Mr. Right and that was the final age straw. I told him that several times he says that I'm too mature to be nineteen yet here he was telling me that since I was only nineteen I didn't know what exactly I wanted. True, in hindsight, that wasn't actually what he was saying, but that's what I heard.

For the drive home, we explained feelings. He said that he'd have no problem loving both Rich and me, but Rich just wasn't at that point yet... and as odd as it must sound to the rest of the world, I know that I'd have no problems loving both of them.

This morning, I woke up at a little after 8AM to come upstairs, hear Larry and Rich talking through the bedroom door, knock, and go inside.

The two of them were still laying in bed, so I layed down next to Rich. We layed there with my hand running through Rich's chest hair and over Larry's chest. It was as though all was as before.

Soon, Larry had to get up to get Katie ready for school and he told us to stay in bed. Rich said that he'd like to get in the hot tub, and so the three us went into the kitchen and Larry fixed Katie's breakfast.

The next thing I remember, I was looking out the window to see that Rich was in the hot tub and Larry was sitting on the edge talking to him. I knocked on the deck door and went outside to get in the hot tub myself.

I sat across from Rich, massaging his foot and so forth. I was definitely happy.

Fifteen or so minutes later, Larry came outside and I asked him why he didn't get in, and so, he did.

The three of us hugged and touched. Rich put his hand on my knee, I held his hand, Larry caressed our feet, Larry hugged us both, etc. Under water, the extensions of whose hand/arm/foot was whose was lost. It was koool.

After the hot tub was over and the three of us had each taken a shower, we went to tour Larry's Euro Coffee stores.

Our first stop was at the Citicorp building where we saw where the cart would stand during it's business hours and then we snuck onto an elevator which took us to the 52nd floor. No one was there.

We walked around, staring out the windows in this huge, vast empty floor of the building. I thought it was neat, but being the worry-wart that I am, I kept thinking we were going to get in trouble. We didn't.

For the most part, the three of us just hung out, ate lunch at The Musso & Frank Grille, and came back to the house at around 3PM. Larry had to then go into work, but Rich had to wait for a pair of shorts to dry. In the meantime, Rich and I talked.

Before he left, he gave me several hugs and a kiss on the cheek. He's a great guy.

And what's even more amazing is that without computers, I wouldn't have met Larry, Rich, or Rob, three of the most important guys in the world to me.

December 4, 1995

1:01PM Written on the plane...

Saturday afternoon, Larry and I dropped Katie off at Frank & Susan's then headed on to the house in La Jolla, near San Diego.

We got there, hung out for a bit, then drove around the town. We first stopped at the beach and watched the sun set... my first on the west coast. And also the first time I touched the Pacific Ocean: I was posing for a picture when the water came up around my feet.

After the sun set, Larry and I further explored La Jolla. We bought a snowman and angel cookie then headed to the Gap. Not finding anything too exciting, we left and started walking down the streets. It was a nice little city, very well decorated with cute surfers. --They just don't have guys like that on the east coast.-- Once even, Larry and I walked passed this valet parking attendent. I turned towards Larry to say how gorgeous the guy was, and Larry's tongue was already out. Apparently he found the guy drool-worthy, too.

On our way home, we passed the Comedy Store where Larry suggested we take in a show. I told him that it was probably 21+, but he said we'd call to find out.

After getting home, Larry found a message on the machine from Rich. I wasn't even mentioned. It was at that point that I decided that I was trying too hard. I was tired of being substandard because I'm 19 and tired of going after a guy who was far less than interested. (Somehow, --The chronology has been forgotten.-- we found out the comedy club was indeed limited to 21 and over.) Larry, in the meantime while this was going through my head, was calling around trying to find a gay 18+ hang out.

Anyway, when he got off the phone, I said "Fix me a cocksucker." (1/3rd Irish Cream, 1/3rd Butterscotch Schnapps, and 1/3rd Vodka) He double-taked and I said it again, to which he fixed the drink.

I played on the computer and drank my cocksucker while Larry got back on the phone. Wanting to get drunk or at least heavily buzzed, I went into the kitchen and added more vodka... a lot more vodka. Before I knew it, my glass was empty and I told Larry what I'd done.

He thought I was joking, and so I showed him the empty Absolut bottle (which, by the way, he later estimated had previously contained six shots before I emptied it).

Anyway, Larry suggested we go eat and as my perception started getting dreamy, we went out the door. By the time we'd walked the block to the restaurant, my ability to focus was lessening at a considerable rate. I think I started smiling and didn't stop. I was aware of the surroundings, but it was like when you're too sleepy to actually comprehend much. I managed to make it all the way through dinner, but then I started to feel nauseous. I told Larry, he paid for the meal, and we quickly headed homeward.

On the way, I wretched a little, but I made it to the stairs at the front door... then Larry led me to the couch and apparently I fell asleep on the spot.

The next morning I woke fully clothed in the waterbed with Larry next to me. I have absolutely no memory of moving from the couch to the bed.


Sunday morning, after Larry and I snuggled a bit and laughed about the night before, we went on a bike ride through La Jolla. I hadn't ridden a bike in years and never ridden a 21 speed. This proved to be a hinderance.

The seat was so far into my crotch that it hurt and my legs could barely reach the peddles, and so, if I slowed down, I had to catch myself from falling. I did, however, manage to keep up with Larry at 12 MPH.

Anyway, we drove around, briefly watched a few surfers changing on the beach, then headed back to the house. From there, we got in the Explorer and headed to the Mexican border.

Before crossing the line, we stopped at a shoe factory outlet store and Larry purchased pairs for Rich, me, and himself. (Rich's and my pair are identical. )

Once the shoe buying was done, we parked near the border and took a bus southward to a place different from anywhere I've visited before. It was like a fair or a carnival, but little kids were the peddlers. You may see homeless people in Boston or LA, but never kids. It was weird.

Our first stop, the Hard Rock Cafe Tijuana. Larry ordered a beer and I ordered a coke. Larry and I had already discussed that there was no legal drinking age in Mexico, so I knew I could have ordered a beer without a problem, but didn't.

But anyway, the waiter aparently thought I needed a beer and said something to the effect of, "Nothing stronger? Come on, it's Sunday." We'll, that was all the push I needed. I said okay and a few minutes later, it arrived. No questions asked.

Soon, the meal was over and my beer had barely been touched. It still tasted gross: I only ordered it because I could.

From there, we headed to the Guess store to find clothes at less than half their US value. Larry bought jeans and shirts for the three of us and I bought shirts for both Rob and Chuck. A couple of stops later and we were heading back through customs... without a hitch.

We drove back to La Jolla, I shaved, Larry showered, then we headed back to LA. After picking up Katie and dropping her off at the house to be baby sat by Luce the maid, Larry and I drove towards Rich's apartment. We had planned on going to the restaurant where Larry and Rich first met, but by the time we were near Rich's house, it was late and he had to go to work at midnight. I wanted to spend as much time as possible touching (not necessarily sexually just more intimately than a restaruant allows) and so I suggested we order in or bring something from McDonald's. A cell phone call to Rich agreed and so we went there and ordered Domino's.

We hung out and the three of us snuggled a bit before Rich had to head into work. It would appear that last Sunday was a one time deal, as much as I wish it weren't. While I'd prefer that the three of us have a relationship like a tricycle (with each part being integral to the movement overall) it would appear our relationship is more like that of a bicycle with training wheels (nice to lean on, but not necessary for the two main wheels to move... and ultimately removed) I, of course, being the training wheels.

Anyway, we snuggled, and Rich got ready for work. He hugged me good-bye, kissed me on the cheek, and we left.

We headed home, I packed, and then went to sleep.

12:59PM On the plane...

I just heard a little kid say "Justin" or something like that and now I'm starting to miss Katie, Larry, Rich, Don, etc.


We just took off and now I'm really starting to miss California. Oddly enough, I'm already thinking about calling Larry on the Airfone and it's only been 20 minutes since I saw him.


I just called Larry to tell him that I miss him. He said that he misses me, too. Here's the drink cart, maybe I'll focus on that.


I think I must have been hanging out with Larry for too long. I can actually tell that this CD player is phonically missing the top and especially the bottom.




Whoa! I got the whole can of coke this time. Apparently, it was just a stingy flight attendant on the flight out.


I'm cold. The extra leg room of the emergency exit row is nice, but the seal around the escape door is letting a lot of cold air in. Speaking of the escape door, I wonder what I would do if the plane were to crash and I was called upon to help people out like I consented. Would I really do it or would I save my own butt?... I actually think I'd help the others, but I hope I'll never find out.

2:12AM Technically December 5, 1995

Rob picked me up from the airport and we took a cab back to my apartment. Here, I found a miniature Christmas tree complete with lights and ornaments... and a stocking. Sometime's Rob's so sweet I don't know what I'm going to do with him. He even had the forethought to come over and turn the tree's lights on before going to the airport.

Anyway, I opened the stocking and the two presents that were under the tree, the How the Grinch Stole Christmas video and another titled London Knights 3-D, an "all-nude male review."

We put on the video and watched it though our cardboard glasses. We then hugged for a bit and Rob went home. I e-mailed, sorted through some things, then went to sleep.

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