Speaking of gay guys and the airport, the cab driver this morning was also a team player. Rob said so before we got in the cab, but I was sure when he took the luggage out and I saw his scarf.
And speaking of Rob, last night, I had keys for my apartment made for him. He seemed to be excited about it, but it wasn't a big deal for me. I mean, I wouldn't give my keys to anybody, but I trust Rob with a lot more than my apartment, so why not?
6:36PM In the video store...
I'm at the video store and it seems to be in a state of near disrepair. Ok, maybe I'm being a little extreme, but things aren't too wonderful. Bills are way past due, supplies are out, etc. I don't know what I can do, but I'm going to try not to worry about it.
Instead, I'm worrying about my future; more specifically, where I'm going to live for the next nine months and what I'm doing education-wise this fall. I think I'd like to live in LA, but the traditionalist conservative in me is controlling my thoughts today and I'm wondering what would become if I lived there. I mean, how would Rich, Larry, and I fit together... or would we? Who knows. I'm trying not to worry about that either.
December 10, 1995
Well, I've been unsuccessful at not worrying about the California situation. I talked to Larry until late last night and then I dreamt not really about Larry or Rich, but it was definitely related. And this morning, it's been the occupying thought in my head. Actually, there are several thoughts like: Am I scared because things could work? How obligated would I feel if Larry helped me get out to California? Would I pine myself away for Rich? Am I a "rejection-junkie", setting myself up for near impossible relationships? How would the three of us fit together exactly? I mean, I know Larry loves Rich and me in near identical fashions... but Rich loves Larry romantically and says he "really, really likes (me) a lot" and I get along with Larry better than I've gotten along with anyone since Chris. --When I drive by Chris's house, I still love him, but the painful longing is gone. I ahve to think that something or someone has filled that void. -- and I love Larry but the physical desire isn't there. By that, I mean, the physical/undressing-with-your-eyes desire. I feel secure with him, but there's no lust. And with Rich, the lust part is the strong one. He's so cute, furry, and stocky. But he's more than just a body. He's sweet, shy and has a certain innocence to him. And so, I'm attracted to each of them, but in different ways. I guess, though, the ultimate question, or rather "answer" should be: I had one of the best times I can remember when I was in LA.
Well, I thought a lot today after I wrote that last entry and after I got a call from Rich and then Larry... and I was thinking that pursuing a relationship with the three of us is something that I didn't want, but now, as I'm writing this, I'm having second thoughts. Larry said something about how when I'm in Kentucky, I go into a moralist conservative mode and I think he's right. As I was walking around the mall in Lexington today and seeing the heterosexual couples hugging/hand holding/etc, I was envious of them. They had a such a picturesque quality... and I tried to visualize a portrait of Rich, Larry, and myself: I couldn't.
December 11, 1995
Last night, I talked (via speakerphone) with Larry and Rich about what I'd been feeling. I think the main thing can be summed up with what Larry said. This relationship isn't something that can be planned or anticipated. It's something that has to go on it's own course. I can't truly plan not to have it... and I'm not even sure that I don't want it to happen. Time, as always, will tell.
One other thing, though, Rich said that I misquoted him on that Wednesday when I said he said that he didn't ever want it to happen again. I know I didn't, but the fact that he doesn't think he said that could be assumed to be, well,... you figure it out.
Earlier, Larry called to see how I was doing. Near the end of the conversation, he asked me if I wanted to call Rich to tell him that he was going to be arriving at his house later than expected. I said sure.
And so I called Rich and told him of Larry's later arrival, but while we were on the phone, we continued to talk and eventually the conversation got to "the three of us" Rich said something about being a conservative guy in that area and being involved with only one other person. If I'm so set against this three person relationship, why in the world did it feel like my heart was torn out when he said that? I could almost cry... not just from that, but from the stress related to this whole situation. It's like the stress you have when you want something so badly but are afraid of getting it because it might not be exactly what you thought it was. I wrote this letter to Rich and Larry:
#1 I miss you
#2 I am bored
#3 I feel lost
#4 I am envious of you
#5 I need you
#6 I am confused about you
#7 I hate feeling this way
December 12, 1995
Today I decided (as much as possible) that I want to hold out for my red head. There are three red headed guys wanting to meet me and the Larry/Rich/Me relationship is just too complicated. I've decided that I need to make some concrete decisions about where my life is going.
December 13, 1995
A few things have happened lately.
On Sunday, I was showing my brother pictures from California. I've never actually told him that I'm gay, but I've given about a thousand hints. Anyway, he, Mom, and I were in the car and he was looking at the pictures (including one of Rich and I in the hot tub). So my brother got to a photo of Rich and asked, "So who is he?" and I responded, "Rich, Larry's boyfriend." He paused for a second, but moved onto the next picture. He didn't say, "But why were you in California with a gay guy?" or anything like that. It was koool.
And today, my mom's 22 year old daughter was in the video store talking to me about life and my California trip. Soon, I started to show her the pictures, and we got to one of Rich. The same conversation ensued. -- It seems by outing Rich, I'm outing myself. I can definitely handle that. It's much easier to heavily imply that you're gay than to actually come out and say it. Not that I would deny it if anyone asked, but...
And netwise, Koool.com went online today. I redid most of the pages from near scratch and I hope it shows. Everything is finally coming together as far as "going commercial" is concerned. Koool has it's own phone number, address, and business cards.
December 15, 1995
I really can't believe my dad and brother sometimes. They just drove up to the video store in a new black truck. Apparently, they somehow managed to get a lease for it. I mean, Dad is taking money from the store --which barely makes enough to support itself without anyone taking from it-- and getting cash advances from credit cards in order to pay bills, but he goes out and gets a $23,000 truck. It's just more than I can comprehend. They don't have enough money to pay for my college and couldn't get an educational loan, but somehow, there's enough credit to get a truck lease with a nearly $400 a month payment.
I'm sitting here dumbfounded.
December 16, 1995
Life's been pretty boring as of late. I haven't really had any human interaction except family and phone calls from Rob and Larry. I've been trying to keep myself busy working on the Euro Coffee site and making as many unnecessary trips to Wal-mart as possible, but it's not really working.
Life's different here, even beyond the lack of friends to hang out with. Like today, I noticed a cashier in Wal-mart wearing spurs on his boots. Every thing is so slow. Time even seems to move slower.
I wrote several red heads, but for some reason, the once anxious guys aren't even responding to my mail.
And today, Larry and Rich were going to the ranch. I wish I was there.
I'm so frustrated I could scream. My biggest current problem is that I want to talk to Larry and I don't know the phone number to the ranch. He called at a little before eleven, but customers were in the store so I couldn't talk. I said that I'd call him back after we closed (at eleven) and hung up before I realized I don't know the number. And for the past thirty minutes, I've searched all through my e-mail looking to no avail. I didn't get to talk to him last night like we usually do and now, he's free, but I'm stranded.
Plus, I'm stressed about this red headed thing. I mean, why would guys take the time to write me, tell me they're interested, and not write back? I'm especially stressed about a guy who wrote from LA. His letter was really sweet and his location made him a very feasible possibility... but he hasn't written back and that was two or three days ago.
Well, I'm about this far from crying. I called Larry's answering machine in LA to leave a message in the remote possibilty that he calls in to check it, and I almost started crying then. What I wouldn't give to be with him and Rich at the ranch.
A CD-ROM search and a call to information didn't help either.
I thought Larry would have called by now, but apparently he's forgotten about me. Surely, he doesn't think it's taken me this long to get everything in order here at the video store. I'm going home...
December 17, 1995
Larry never did call last night. Mack called at around 11:30PM and I talked with him for a while until I went home. At home, I called Rob and he managed to cheer me up. Also during our conversation, I realized that I take Rob for granted and told him as much. I'm really glad he's in my life and I don't quite express that enough... online or in life.
Speaking of Larry, he never has called. I figured for sure I'd get a "Happy Birthday, Justin" at least since today I am 20 years old. He did sent me a cat calendar as a present, but still, a little call would be nice... perhaps as the day passes I'll get one.
And speaking of my birthday, today my family and I went out to eat. The waiter was a really feminine gay guy, and I kept waiting for my brother to make some fag joke... but he didn't say a word about it. Soon, though, I wanted to somehow say that, yeah, I knew the waiter was gay but not all gay guys are like that: I wanted to let my brother know that I wasn't attracted to feminine gay guys. And since I still haven't said point blank, "I'm gay", I simply commented on the waiter's prissiness. (I mean, if I thought it was a desirable trait, I wouldn't have said, "He's a priss.")
Anyway, my brother realized what I was doing and started talking with a lisp. Sure, it wasn't the nicest thing that either one of us has ever done, but it's no different than one straight guy telling another that some girl's a ho. (Believe it or not, I do have an evil side. )
One really koool thing about being home this time is that my brother and I have a totally different relationship. We used to verbally fight pretty much non-stop, but this time, we haven't fought at all. Pretty amazing when I think about it.
I got a call a few minutes ago from Norm wishing me a happy birthday. I couldn't believe he remembered. We haven't even spoken in about six months. Today's going much better than I expected.
I just checked my AOL account and the red headed guy from LA replied. I still don't know his name and he only wrote to say that he was "thrilled" that I responded and would reply completely later today, but I'm happy.
Larry called, but he didn't say anything about my birthday... neither did Rich.
I talked with Larry again and all is okay. He said that he and Rich wondered why I didn't call back, but figured since I said I would call back, something must have come up.
December 18, 1995
This morning, after I'd been at the store for a few minutes, a florist arrived with a delivery for me. It was a basket full of flowers with a "Happy Birthday" pennant sticking from it. The card read, "Happy Birthday To My Best Friend": It was from Rob. His sweetness never fails to amaze me.
December 19, 1995
Today's been quite reflective. I've decided that my life needs several things, most importantly more friends and a guy.
This afternoon, I was watching Clueless and found myself longing to be Cher, not for her money or shopping, but for her friends and eventual relationship with Josh, a guy with dark hair and light green eyes... who I found immensely attractive.
Watching that movie, I realized that I don't have any friends that I can just hang out with and I realized that I still need a guy, red headed or not. I think going back to college could be the ticket to getting both of those. Larry's been harassing me about "getting my butt back in college" but I thought I could simply make money via the Internet designing web pages and such, but I realize now that going to college is a lot more than preparing for a career. Sure, I'd heard that before, but it hadn't quite sunk in.
My first year at BU wasn't the ideal that I'd pictured. There were no continual parties and I didn't make the best friends that I thought I would, but I think it was more because of me than because of the college. I think the opportunities were there, but I just didn't take them. Perhaps transferring to USC (The University of Southern California) could be the answer.
And for once, I want a guy whom I'll drool over. I want a guy that'll make the girls (and guys) swoon. If he's red headed, that's all the better, but I want a knock out. Yeah, that may seem shallow, and maybe it is, but I'm 20 years old. This is the time in my life when I do crazy things. There'll be plenty of time for acting "responsible."
Move on to the next set of entries
© 1995-1999 Justin Clouse