Justin's Life... December 20-31, 1995

Justin's Life... December 20-31, 1995

December 20, 1995


Last night, when I was talking to Larry, he asked if I would be really happy with a gorgeous body without a brain. I said yes.

Today, when I was Christmas shopping with Mom in Lexington, we were being helped by an older red headed guy and I thought, "Could I really be happy with him if he didn't have a brain?" As much as I tried, I couldn't get a difinitive answer. Just how much of a non-brain would be too little? But I don't need a brain-brain. Intelligence, in the traditional meaning, is not something I need in a guy. --I want to be the smart one. I'd be totally happy with a country boy. Like I've said before, I need an opposite.

And so, I left the store's counter still wondering if I'd truly be happy with just a body. As I was re-processing everything, Mom and I came upon a black haired dad with his three red headed sons. They were all six-foot-plus with koool haircuts. I became tranced and soon Mom said, "You're not paying attention to me."

I responded, "I'm paying attention to that family."

She completely understood and said, "Only one's a true red head."

"Works for me," and then I thought again, "Could I really be happy with those guys in they didn't have a brain?" The answer was yes.

And that made me wonder if I still need a red head. Lately, I thought a cute, furry, short guy would do, but even those don't mesmerize me in the same way. As difficult as it is/will-be to get one, I think a red head is a must.

December 23, 1995


Life's been pretty hectic lately. Yesterday morning, Larry called on the phone and he could tell that I was noticibly depressed. He asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell. I'd opened my presents early, something that I said I wouldn't do. He harassed me a bit, trying to get the reason for my mood, but I told him I'd tell him later in e-mail, where I could write all my thoughts out completely. I'd already written my thoughts the night before and knew I'd said everything I needed. After we got off the phone, I went home, got my notebook, then came back to the store where I wrote the following e-mail:

---- excerpted & edited ----

Well, I wrote this last night and it best sums up my "mood." It was somehow going to be a diary entry.
I've decided that next year, I'm simply going to bypass my birthday and Christmas. I'm beyond the age where the mystery of Santa bring joy and the sugar plums dancing in my head now turn out to be olives. When I was a kid, everything was magical. Now, presents are simply a translation of what I mean to whom.

What's gotten me in this mood? Well, yesterday and more specifically last night, I was pretty distressed. The store's finances seem beyond repair and the video letter I was going to make for Larry couldn't come into being because the camera turned out to be broken, and that's just "the tip of the iceberg"

Anyway, Larry's presents had arrived and I thought, "Why not carefully unwrap one and give myself something to look forward to?" I told Mom that I wouldn't, but I did. Instead of finding something to look forward to, I simply got more depressed.

I know I should be grateful for everything I get and I _am_ grateful, yet hurt. It's not the monetary value I'm concerned with, either. I'm hurt because Larry's presents, except the USC sweatshirt, weren't thought out or planned. It was like I'd received a "form gift". Something generic that could have been sent to everyone. Something a boss would give to his employees. There was nothing special to it. I mean, all the stuff I bought Larry wasn't "big ticket" but it was more than just a gift that could have been sent to practically anyone.

I got him the ____________ because he said he loved it several times and even suggested I _________ buy it for him. The _________ was __________ that I knew he liked. The _____________ was because I know he loves to ______ and it came from __________. The _______________ was because he has fun ________________________ and so the ______ would give him a chuckle. And the _________ which, admittedly he's never said anything about, but I thought he'd enjoy it, nevertheless.

All of that (except the _______ ) was stuff I knew he'd like so I can't figure out why in the world he would give me an ultrasonic toothbrush. He said he ordered one for himself when I was in LA and I told him that he was crazy for spending $150 for a toothbrush: he knows I don't even floss, so I can't understand why he bought me that. It's like he didn't even think, "Is this something Justin would like?" From one of my closest friends, I expected something a lot more personal. *crying*
And that's the reason that I'm not having a great day. It's like you gave me the "form gift". Or perhaps it was something just for me. You'd said before that I need to brush more and I explained the white circles were from braces. Perhaps my teeth are much worse than I'd thought. But I wouldn't give my worse zit ridden friend a case of Nozema for Christmas... so surely you didn't do that. *crying*

And for those reasons and more, I'm bypassing my birthday and Christmas next year...


To which, he responded:

the problem with opening presents early is that you might NOT have all of them. in this case the rest are probably coming on sunday, since the post office delivers the NEXT day and they are not open on sunday, or i would send them on sunday (so you can't get them and open them early).

i knew you would think the toothbrush was stupid, but it is really koool. (this present has nothing to do with any conversation we ever had about your teeth. it's just really koool, and everyone is sold out.)

i have been working on the tv camera for 3 days now, and they will ship today for delivery tomorrow, but i can not figure out if it will do anything you want it to do. soooo, i'll let you decide. i thought you would like that, and it was going to go to your mom, so she could hide it from you. i know you'll say, see he's turning it to be my fault, but if you would just keep your big nose out of the presents, you would not be so unhappy now.

in fact, i was really worried about sending you the pratical presents first, but i thought why spend a fortune getting them to you, WHEN YOU SWORE YOU WOULD NOT OPEN THEM.

bah, hum bug.

After reading that, I called Larry to get a better feel of how he was doing. He was mad... really mad. For my house, opening presents early was never that big of a deal. We always just sorta did it. But I saw his point. I was upset because of what he got me and it turned out that I wasn't basing my thoughts on the whole picture. Sure, I thought it was the whole picture, but he'd explicitly wrote "Do not open early" on each of the presents.

It was obvious that I was in the wrong... and so, the only solution was flowers.

I looked through my CD-ROM yellow pages to find a florist in the same LA zip code. A call and $50+ later, flowers were being delivered to Larry's office with a card saying, "I'm sorry. -Justin"

Still feeling like crap and not knowing how long it would be until Larry got his flowers and forgave me, I decided to head home for a nap. But before I'd gotten in bed, Larry called and answered the phone, "Dustin," (his imitation of Katie saying "Justin"). With that one word, I knew everything was okay.

I asked him if he'd received his delivery and he didn't know what I was talking about. That made his call all the more special.

After we'd talked for a while, I called Rob to relay the days events. Rob and I talked for a while, too, and then I got into the bed.

A few minutes later, my number rang. It was Rob. He just called to tell me that he loved me and that he was really glad that I was his best friend. I said the same to him, and went to sleep. What started as a really bad day turned into a great one. I've got two guys that love me more than I deserve... and I'm thankful.

December 25, 1995


I just got back from seeing Grumpier Old Men with my family, a Christmas family time sorta deal.

Anyway, when we got to the theatre, I saw Jarrod standing in the refreshments line with another guy. We were waiting in the ticket purchase line, and so, the view wasn't direct. He didn't see me, but I was paying close attention to him.

Soon, though, I realized that some of my parents' friends were standing in line behind Jarrod. One of them made eye contact with my dad and let out a big "Hello". My dad and he started talking and, of course, Jarrod looked in our direction to see what the big deal was. He saw me, nodded his head to say as much, and I mouthed "Hey" back. I purchased the tickets and went over to talk with him.

I asked if he was still working at Fazoli's (since Mom said she saw him there the other day). He said yes and I said "But I thought you were going to ministry school?" since he told me that the last time I saw him. He said that he was, but that it wasn't that far away and that he came home on the weekends. He asked me how school was and I told him it wasn't. I then explained the why and what of my not attending BU.

Meanwhile, the "other" guy made absolutely no attempt to act like he knew Jarrod. I mean, if I hadn't seen them talking while they were unaware of me, I wouldn't have had any idea they were together.

But anyway, Jarrod and I talked some more. It was an amazingly friendly conversation: I told him how I'd been out to California due to a guy I met on the Internet and just generally gave him the 5 minute synopsis of my life lately.

It came time for him to order. He did, and I asked him what movie he was going to see... Grumpier Old Men. I told him that I was going to see the same, that it was a family outing. He said, "I noticed." and laughed. And then he went on into the movie. (I have no idea where the other guy was. He completely disappeared.)

After getting our refreshments, my family and I went into the theatre. Jarrod and the guy, who incidentally had a goatee, were sitting closer to the front but on the other side, so I could only keep a intermittent eye on them. They never did anything, but there wasn't a chair between them. --You know, two really insecure straight guys sometimes leave an empty chair between them.--

During the movie, I thought about what was happening across the theatre. At first, I was sorta "I can't believe he won't come out. He is obviously gay. There's a whole world that he's missing" but then I started realizing that I was a tad jealous. He may not be out, but he was there, watching a movie with a guy... and in some form, on a date. I haven't been on a date in what seems like an eternity. And I was a tad jealous because deep down, part of me has always wanted to go on a date with him. I can't explain it. He fits absolutely none of my ideals and he treated me like shit for a couple of years, but still. He was the first person I ever told I was gay and even back then, I thought that somehow we'd end up on a date... at least. And now, if he wanted to hang out, I'd be there in a heartbeat. That's something that no longer exists with Chris. --He (Chris, that is) came into the store the other day and the pitter patter of my heart wasn't there. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't even lusting... well, no where near as much as I used to--

And so, several thoughts were going through my head during the movie. Afterwards, my family and I headed back to the truck. I didn't see Jarrod or his guy. Apparently, they were still hiding out.

December 27, 1995


Yesterday afternoon, I got a box in the mail from Rob. In it, I found Windows 95 (and a pair of Flintstone's boxers). I couldn't believe that he'd gotten it for me. In fact, I wrote:

'##:::::'##:'####:'##::: ##:'########:::'#######::'##:::::'##::'######::
 ##:'##: ##:. ##:: ###:: ##: ##.... ##:'##.... ##: ##:'##: ##:'##... ##:
 ##: ##: ##:: ##:: ####: ##: ##:::: ##: ##:::: ##: ##: ##: ##: ##:::..::
 ##: ##: ##:: ##:: ## ## ##: ##:::: ##: ##:::: ##: ##: ##: ##:. ######::
 ##: ##: ##:: ##:: ##. ####: ##:::: ##: ##:::: ##: ##: ##: ##::..... ##:
 ##: ##: ##:: ##:: ##:. ###: ##:::: ##: ##:::: ##: ##: ##: ##:'##::: ##:
. ###. ###::'####: ##::. ##: ########::. #######::. ###. ###::. ######::
'##.... ##: ##.....:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
 ##:::: ##: ##::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
: ########: #######:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:...... ##:...... ##::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
'##:::: ##:'##::: ##::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
. #######::. ######:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

        I can't believe you... *big HUGE 
                  _____ _____ _____  ___  _   _ _______ _____ _____
                 / ____|_   _/ ____|/ _ \| \ | |__   __|_   _/ ____|
                | |  __  | || |  __| |_| |  \| |  | |    | || |
                | | |_ | | || | |_ |  _  | . ` |  | |    | || |
                | |__| |_| || |__| | | | | |\  |  | |   _| || |____
                 \_____|_____\_____|_| |_|_| \_|  |_|  |_____\_____|

Also, yesterday, an overnight delivery was scheduled to bring me a Connectix QuickCam from Larry, but it didn't. By the late afternoon, he had tracked the package to find that "delivery was attempted" but the store wasn't open. The package was back in Lexington and I could go there to pick it up. My parents were headed that way anyway, and so they went to pick it up.

Meanwhile, I was installing the Win 95 software. It couldn't find any peripherals. I specifically told it that the modem was on COM3 and even told it which modem I had: It told me I was wrong. A few hours later, a click on "Uninstall Windows 95" brought me back into sanity.

Shortly thereafter, Mom and Dad arrived back with the package. I had it set up and running in minutes and then spent the rest of the night trying to get CU-SeeMe to work with Larry. We got video, but no audio. It was koool, nevertheless.


Today, I've been pretty lonely. Seeing Larry last nice was nice, but I really need some human interaction. I mean, I've had that thought a lot lately, but after I downloaded a picture from a.b.p.erotica.male last night, I just sorta sorta melted, thinking, "what I wouldn't give to have a guy that looked like that."

December 28, 1995


Today I was on the phone with Rob talking about how Larry and I were CU-SeeMeing last night. Soon the conversation turned to how I wished he and Larry would get along better. We talked for a bit about the subject, then I said I was going to write Larry e-mail pretending to be Rob. He didn't seem to object too much and I thought it was just the push needed to get them at least on a friendly speaking basis. A few minutes later I wrote the following and sent it on its way:

---- with comments ----
I guess I should just cut to the chase. I think we got off to a bad start and I'd like to start over.
Justin told me that you included my picture in that box you sent him (One of Larry's Christmas presents which arrived yesterday was a Toy Story panarama with several pictures pasted inside the box. Among them were several of Rob.). I had been ignoring you because I felt you had been ignoring me, but my picture being in the box made me realize that perhaps I was wrong.
Long story short, I'd like to start over the next time you're in Boston, which Justin says will be soon.


After I sent that, I called Rob to see if he'd received the blind carbon copy: He had. So I asked him if he was going to write Larry to explain that it was I who wrote the note. He said yes, but the laughed and said he'd wait to see what Larry's response was.

A few minutes after that, I called Larry to check on an address and he mentioned that he got a letter from Rob. He asked me if Rob sent me a copy. I said, "No" and he asked if I knew about the letter: I said "Yes." It was a "word clause" --as I call them-- but I didn't lie.

12:25AM Technically, December 29, 1995

Tonight, the family and I went to see Heat, a movie starring Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro. (Am I the only person who thinks these guys look the same? If not for a goatee on DeNiro, I would have been totally confused.) Anyway, it was 3 hours... about an hour and a half too long.

After having to pee for nearly an hour, the movie was over and I went into the restroom. It was full.

I started my business and this shorter guy came up the only free urinal left, the one next to me. Being especially horny lately, I thought perhaps I could sneak a look. Sure, I'd never done it before, but we were near shoulder-to-shoulder, and like I said, I've been really horny. So, trying to be as unnoticable as possible, I looked down over in his direction. There it was. It wasn't erotic, but I did get a small adrenaline rush from sneaking a peek and possibly getting caught.

3:02AM Technically, December 29, 1995

The Rob/Larry e-mail thing didn't work. Larry got the e-mail and responded. Rob wrote back and his letter, while less than wonderful, still seemed to be an electronic olive branch in my perception. In Larry's perception, it was a letter full of child-like emotions. I really wish the two of them would get along, but I doubt it'll ever happen.

December 31, 1995


Well, I didn't have a pen with me on the plane back to Boston, so I couldn't detail the flight, but I did receive the whole can of Coke.

I arrived to the airport with no one waiting for me. It was sorta odd, having had someone there all the times before, but Rob had told me that he was busy moving and thus, probably wouldn't meet me. I noticed a few cute red heads then got in a cab.

The silent driver soon reached the toll plaza and paid the attendant $2.00. He then punched the meter to add $3.25 to the fare. "Where did that extra $1.25 come from?" I thought to myself, but I kept quiet, thinking simply that a tip of $1.25 less would rebalance the fare.

We arrived at my building and before the driver pushed the total button, he quickly hit the "Extras" button again to add another quarter. Consequently, his tip was 40 cents. He got a $1.90 counting his faux extras, and I'm sure he thought he was being smart adding that to my fare. Little did he know, I usually tip $3 or $4.

After resting at my apartment for a few minutes, I called Rob. He was at his place packing and told me to come on over. I talked with Larry for a bit first, then headed over.

Rob and I hugged a few times. --It was really nice to see him again.--, then Rob's new roomate Geoff called to ask if we'd help move his bigger stuff. Rob agreed and we headed to the new apartment shortly thereafter.

After meeting there, Rob's two new roommates and he chose rooms. Of the three bedrooms, one was notably smaller and less desirable. For a few minutes, Geoff, Ken, and Rob discussed who'd live where, then Geoff agreed to take the smaller room. I could tell that he really didn't want it, but said he'd take it for the sake of being nice to Rob and Ken. I said as much and Geoff said it was true. They talked for a bit, then we headed to Geoff's current apartment. On the way, I fell on a patch of ice and landed on my knee. It hurt pretty badly, but I went on and eventually helped to carry Geoff's stuff to the truck.

On the short walk back to the new apartment, I passed the patch of ice where I fell earlier. I was careful not to fall, but not adept enough. I fell again; this time landing on the other knee.

I carried some stuff inside then said I was going home. I felt bad for not helping more, but the headache I had, combined with the pain from my knees, was more than I wanted to bare. I went home and fell asleep.

Move on to the next set of entries

Justin's Koool Page

Justin's Life...Justin's

© 1995-1999 Justin Clouse