My life... July, 1995

July 1, 1995


Last night I went to that party and had a fun time. It's been so long since I've actually had human interaction (excluding Rob, of course).

Anyway, last night I arrived at the party at around 9 o'clock. When I got there, most everyone had already arrived and exhausted their conversations, so I became the center of attention. (And if you haven't figured out by now that I like being the center of attention... well, think harder)

They asked me about college and life in general. Sarah, the friend I went to the drive in with, asked about the whitewater rafting trip and then Amy, a play antagonist of mine, asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said no and explained how I was dating Rob, though. She seemed amused and wanted more details. I gave them to her.

A little while later, Tracey, Amy's sister who's attending Harvard this fall, asked me about life in Boston... and thus I started explaining my nightlife from the beginning of the year. I told her how I went to Campus, a gay club, during first semester, but found that it was dark and seedy, so I didn't do any more "social" activities until second semester.

I moved along in my story to the MIT dance and that's when everyone started listening in. Before I knew it, the entire room of about 20-30 people was listening to me tell my story. I was a tad self-conscious about being so open about my gayness since there were a few guys there that I didn't know and I didn't want to alienate them (but at the same time, I thought one, Paul, was cute and wanted him to know that I was gay if he was)... So I told them about MIT and Bobby's and Steve and then Rob. Sarah said, "and what about that guy that you broke his heart," referring to Adam. So I told them about how Adam went into depression after I broke up with him and and later, as a result, dropped out of BU. They all congratulated me, but I didn't take it too well. I told them that I felt bad since I'd permanently altered his life in a less than wonderful way. --But they called me "heartbreaker" the rest of the night, anyway.

Before finishing my story, I told them that I'm now looking for a red head.... oddly enough, there was a red head at the party, Kristel's boyfriend. So I added, "but don't worry Kristel." Everyone got a big kick out of that... she quickly added, "I'm not interested in boyfriend swaping." and we all laughed again.

At around 11:30PM, we started watching Priscilla: Queen of the Desert which Kasey requested that I bring. After it was over, I said goodbye and left.

I had a nice time last night. Since I've been home, I've had practically no human interaction. No meeting new people, no nothing. It was so exciting to actually talk and flirt with Paul last night. Through the course of my talking, I found out that he was indeed straight, but it was fun, nevertheless.

Right now, my only interaction with other people, especially gay guys, is through the Internet. And while I'm definitely grateful to have it, it can't take the place of real-life un-computer-mediated relationships.

In other news, this morning I got a letter from BU's College of Communication (COM) that read:

Dear Justin,

We are writing to inform you about a position opening in our Freshman Peer Advising Program for 1995-96. The size of the incoming Freshman class has exceeded our spring estimates and because you were among our top considerations; we are extending an invitation.

We apologize for the short notice, and understand that you may have chosen other areas of involvement for the Fall, yet we feel that you will be a great addition to the program and hope to hear from you soon. Please contact....

So now I can be a Peer Advisor if I want, but I'm not going to do it for several reasons. 1, I'm not even sure if I'll be going back to BU this fall because of finances. 2, I'd feel like I was being overscrutinized by the leaders who I think would be searching for flaws. and 3, I would feel like the last guy to be picked... not a real Peer Advisor, but the guy who bitched about it and pushed his way on.

July 2, 1995


Today hasn't been good. When I woke up, I was worrying about what I am going to do this fall. College seems about as likely as winning the lottery, for that's what it'll take to pay for it. All those feelings of uncertainty that I was having the other day are now ten times worse. I tried filling out the educational loan forms, but it seems pointless. My parents are way too far into debt, I don't have enough of a credit history, and thus no loan.

For me, I've been in auto-pilot all day... sort of like when you drive somewhere and then have no memory of the trip at all. But at the same time, my head feels like it's going to explode. I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to produce movie/tv shows where everything's the same except some of the characters happen to be gay. I don't see how I'll ever be able to do that unless I go to college and get the connection. Seems to me that the only thing I'd be capable of producing now would be a very low budget skin flick.

I mentioned that to my mom, and all she could say was "why does your mind think that way?" referring to it being a skin flick and not a real movie.

But, seriously, if I made a normal (albeit low budget) movie with gay characters, how in the world would I market it. I thought, "Hey, you've got thousands of people around the world reading your web pages. You could market it that way." but I seriously doubt that any of you would want to buy a copy of my movie... and thus, that's strike #2.

Who knows? I certainly don't...

July 3, 1995


I'm in a much better mood today.

Last week, Blake, a 5'9" stocky red head from Arkansas, asked me to meet him via the talk command at 10 o'clock last night; I did. We talked for about two hours and though the conversation was slow at first, by the end, I was interested in learning more about him. From what he's said of himself, he sounds pretty darn near perfect. Short, a little chest hair on a 40" chest (he kept mentioning that), a 31 inch waist and a hopeless romantic. Sounds great actually... but I want to see what he looks like. He said that he was planning on getting a picture scanned and then sending it to me... boy, have I heard that one before.

After I finished talking with him, I checked e-mail and received a message from Rich, a guy I'd previously written, who encouraged me to stay in college and even said, "I do not know how ethical this is, but after having spent so much time on your web site, learning about your life, and reading your online diary, I would be more than willing to float you a loan for your education." I read that and was shocked, but it didn't really sink in before Rob issued a talk request.

I talked with Rob, told him about Rich's offer, and then headed home... and then on the way home, it hit me. This guy, who I've just barely talked to through e-mail offered to loan me thousands of dollars... me, a guy he's never met and only read about on-line. Goose bumps covered my body twice. I could never take him up on it... but what an offer. I can't believe that someone would be that kind to me or that I have that much of an affect on people. His letter was intended to cheer me up, and it did just that.

This morning, I got to the video store, checked e-mail to find several other letters offering me encouragement, and then I called COM to talk to Kate about the Peer Advising position. I was planning on telling her how I wanted to be a peer advisor but that I was unsure if financially I was going to be able to attend BU in the fall. I thought she would then give me some suggestions as to what I should do...

So I called the (800) number and a lady answered the phone. It sounded like Dr. Root, the Assistant Dean, but I thought surely the Assistant Dean wouldn't be answering the phone. So I asked, "Is Kate available?" and the voice answered, "No, she's out for today, but this is Dr. Root may I help you?"

So I told her why I was calling and she told me explicitly what to do. Both my parents and I are supposed to write letters to the head of financial aid stating my situation. In it, Dr. Root added, I should (among other things) include how much I love COM, that I am planning on being a Peer Advisor, and that I had talked with her about my situation. She also told me to fax her copies of the letters and that she would take care of it from "the Dean end." So, maybe there is some hope...

July 4, 1995


Well, this morning PC Eudora screwed up and I have no idea where my e-mail is... I figured it got trapped on the mail server... but I keep rechecking and there's nothing there... so if you mailed me last night, try again please.

And speaking of e-mail, I've got over 400 messages that need to be replied to... so if you've written (and it wasn't last night) just know that I will get back to you one day.

July 6, 1995


Yesterday I called Kate and asked if she'd talked with Dr. Root. She said that she had and then I explained how I didn't want to take one of the Peer Advisor spots from someone else. She told me no, that the spot was for me and only me and if I didn't come back, they'd deal with that in the fall. It amazes me at how much all the COM faculty bend over backwards to make the students happy. So, if I go back, I will be a Peer Advisor. Koool

Last night I was playing on the computer as always until about 2AM. When I walked outside, there was a car driving towards the video store. So I quickly got positioned to jump in my car... but it was Mom. She'd tried calling to see if it was busy (since Chameleon Sampler turns the call waiting off), but it wasn't. Chameleon Sampler was giving me problems so I was using Trumpet Winsock which I hadn't configured to turn off call waiting... and thus, when she called and it wasn't busy, she thought I'd started driving home but didn't make it.

As we talked in the parking lot, I told her, "I can make it in the big city of Boston: I can make it in Richmond." She said, "but I'm not there to worry about you."

She then went inside the store, and I followed. When she got to the back counter, she turned around towards me and started crying. She said, "I was worried somebody got you." (She's so worried that someone is going to attack me because I'm gay.) I hugged her tightly and said, "I'm a big boy."

We then went home and to bed.

July 10, 1995


I guess I should explain why I haven't written lately. (I even got e-mail from one guy telling me to get myself back online.) Actually, there are a few reasons I haven't written. First of all, Rob and I are going into business together and I've been extremely busy with that. We're planning on starting our own business. (I don't really want to say more about it right now since it's just in the planning phase.) But I've been creating the logo and working on the presentation part of everything while Rob's been checking out computers, connections, and the technical stuff. Each day we get a little closer to it being a reality.

Anyway, that's been monopolizing almost all my time lately. I did get to go see The Bridges of Madison County on Saturday night with my friend Sarah. Before we entered the movie theatre, we did some guy watching and instead of making me feel better, it made me feel worse. All I could think about for about ten minutes was how I want to get back to Boston and resume life...

Sarah and I watched the movie and while it was slow in parts, it ended very sadly. I cried almost to the point of sobbing... lost love and all that.

On Sunday, I didn't do much except work on the business stuff.

Today I worked on business stuff some more and called Kate to see if she'd found anything out about my financial aid decision. (Speaking of financial aid decisions: In Saturday's mail, I found a postcard from Norm saying that he wouldn't be able to pay for BU this year and thus wouldn't be back in the fall... and then Erika called later Saturday and I found out that she, too, lost all financial aid and is unsure whether she'll return.) So I called Kate this morning and she said that she hadn't talked to the financial aid office yet, but that I should call her back on Wednesday or Thursday to find out what happened.

Sorry I can't be any more explicit about Rob's and my business deal, but Rob's a little paranoid about someone stealing our ideas... and unlike with revealing the intimate details of his anatomy, I'd feel bad if my online diary actually caused him to lose money. But I promise I'll tell you guys about it as soon as it gets more concrete.

In other news, a few minutes ago this red headed guy came into the video store and I thought I was going to melt. His hair was light red and his eyebrows were the same.... light eyebrows melt me quicker than anything. I had to focus on renting him the movie or else I probably would have had drool dripping out of my mouth. I ache for a red head... and with each one I see, I'm only further convinced that I'll never be happy until one is mine.

As far as e-mail goes, if you wrote me, I'd pretty much give up on ever getting a reply. I've got over 500 messages waiting and with the new business stuff taking most of my time, I don't think I'll ever be able to reply to them all. (I really appreciate you writing and I'll do my best to reply, but please be patient.

July 11, 1995


This morning I woke up and came to the video store. A few minutes later, I went to the hospital to visit my uncle, his wife, and they're newborn son. My uncle has sort of been given the cold shoulder by my mother's side of the family because he's 40 and his wife is only 19. I figured that maybe if I went to the hospital to see his newborn son and thereby "give my blessing" to his marriage, maybe one day when the time comes, he'll give blessing to mine. (No relatives beside my immediate family know that I'm gay.)

Afterwards, I went to Wal-Mart, bought a card for Rob, and then came to the video store... where I'll be for the rest of the day.


I just got a phone call from a guy who'd some weeks ago sent me e-mail suggesting some possible routes I should take in order to further my education. It really amazes me that you guys go so far out of your way to help me.... the world really isn't the bad place that it's made out to be.


Today's been one bad day... seems like everyone's down in the dumps. Mom was feeling unappreciated earlier. Rob said that he's stressed out, and I feel like I'm just wasting life here in Kentucky. I'm alone and how I pine for companionship. The same red headed guy, who's about 24 and slightly stocky, was walking to the video store when I was leaving the parking lot. So I got gas at a nearby station and then drove back to the store's parking lot in hopes that he was still here and I could see him. As I neared the store, I saw that he was walking across the parking lot back to his apartment. I slowed down and then took a different route than I intended just so that I could watch him a little longer. Sometimes I think I'm crazy... taking different routes just to watch a red headed guy who's probably not even gay.

And this business project is draining me... I worked for hours and hours today and didn't get hardly anything accomplished.

But as I told Rob, before I know it, I'll be back in Boston and my life can continue... if I can only hold out until then...

July 12, 1995


Today's been a great day.

I slept unintentionally until 12:30PM, got up, got dressed, and checked my mail: I'd gotten a package from Rob. He told me on Monday that he'd mailed me something which he'd bought over the weekend at the Pru (an office center/mall type of place). I had no idea what it was, but when he said he bought at the Pru, I was hoping that it was one of those moving nightlights. The kind where a wheel with cellophane cutouts turns around due to the heat produced from the bulb and the images are projected on a tissue paper cube. That's what I was hoping he'd sent me, but I figured that since I'd only mentioned once, if at all, that I wanted one, I doubted that was it. Of course, with this paragraph, you know I was wrong. He'd actually bought me one of those nightlights. I was touched.

So I hurried to town to the video store to find the Boston yellow pages in order to order him some flowers. I found a florist and placed the order for a "Big Hug Mug" arrangement with flowers, a mug, and a stuffed teddy bear (which was advertised in the yellow pages ad). She asked for the card's enscription and I said, "I miss you. Justin" I didn't even think about it being "odd" that one guy was sending another guy flowers... of course, being a Boston florist, I'm sure she's totally used to it. But for me, it was the first time I'd sent flowers to another guy. She said that she'd try to get it delivered today, but more than likely it would be delivered tomorrow morning. I said okay.

I then started to write Rob an e-mail telling him how appreciative I was for his sweet, thoughtful, attentive present... but I decided to call him instead.

I thanked him and told him that he should stay at home for the rest of the day and in the morning. I think he figured out why.

At 4:30-ish, he called back and told me that he'd received the bear, mug, and flowers. He sounded excited and I was glad that I'd made him as happy as I was. We talked for a bit and then I went back to work on our secret business project.

I checked e-mail a little later and got a letter from a store in Boston asking me if I'd be interested in designing a web page for them. I was shocked: this was the first actual offer from a business wanting me to design their pages... I still haven't written back.

Actually, I've been thinking it over and I don't think I can honestly do a good job unless I'm able to meet with them in Boston. So I'm thinking about planning a trip to Boston for the week after next. I would go this week coming up, but Mom and Dad are going to be out of town and thus I have to stay here to run the video store.

But I will write them back in the morning.

All today I kept getting e-mail from people telling me that they found my site through NetGuide. I figured it was another online hotlist which I really hadn't heard of... but then I got an e-mail saying "Netguide Magazine" and it hit me. NetGuide is a magazine that I've actually purchased. I was mentioned in a real live magazine.... and thus, my quest to find NetGuide began.

It was after closing time at the video store, so I got in the car and headed to the nearest grocery store. As I was driving, goose bumps covered me and I thought to myself, "Damnit, I'm going to make something of myself in the gay world." I mean, I always thought that I would do it, but now it seems that I'm on a track and there's no stopping. I've got my start and it seems that it'll only keep growing. My goals will be realized. Before I die, I'm going to have an impact... that's what I've always wanted and tonight, I truly realized that I will.

So I went to the first grocery store and they didn't carry it. I went to another; no luck. I finally ended up at Kroger, which had two copies of the July issue. I bought them both.

I went back to my car and looked through the first twenty or so pages before someone pulled up next to me. I felt a little stupid sitting in my car with the light on reading a magazine, so I left.

I hurried back to the store only to read and realize that the people who'd written were probably subscribers to NetGuide and had received the August issue in the mail today. No where was I mentioned in the July issue... but at least I know where I can find the magazine when the August issue comes out.

July 13, 1995


I just called Kate, per her request, to see if she'd heard anything about my financial aid decision: She hadn't. She told me that she did know that Dr. Root had called the lady in charge of my decision but that lady had been on vacation and wouldn't be back until next week.

So we talked for a couple of minutes and agreed that I should call her back at the beginning of next week. She asked me if I was still interested in coming back to BU which I thought was a peculiar question. Of course I said yes... but actually I'm unsure. I know a lot of you guys have written to tell me that I must continue my education, but I'm having doubts of that. I think that I want to work online... and I'm having doubts as to the benefit of a degree to do that.

July 14, 1995

1:59AM Technically July 15, 1995

Well, today's been okay... nothing more.

Actually, tonight when I was driving through downtown, a feeling of loneliness came over me. I saw cute guys going to the bars together (although in all honesty, I doubt they were gay), and I wished that I had someone to do something with. Right now, all that sustains me is the e-mail you guys send and talking on the phone to Rob...

July 16, 1995


Well, I got to the video store this morning and was reading my e-mail when I came across a letter from a guy in Iceland. He said that he'd found my site from an article in a magazine he picked up in the London airport. Okay, okay, I'll try not to let my ego explode... but London. I was awed when I thought I'd had a little article published in a national magazine... but international... this technology and its results are truly amazing.

In other news, sorry I haven't written here much lately... I've been working pretty much non-stop on "The Business Project". Hopefully it should be a reality in not too long... after this next week, Rob and I will have passed the point of no return: financial investment.


I spent the afternoon at Chuck E. Cheese's, a place whose slogan is "Where a kid can be a kid." It was my niece's birthday and my dad wanted to take her and her brother out to eat... so, of course, Dad took me along to babysit.

I followed them around for about three hours making sure they didn't get in too much trouble... the one koool thing (not that I wasn't having fun most the time) was this really cute guy who delivered the birthday cake to our table... he had the nicest eyes. They were recessed... oh, how I love recessed eyes... and eyes that look like they're mascara'ed... but not really mascara'ed... I don't want a guy who wears make-up.

Anyway, I then came home, talked with Rob, and worked at the store for the rest of the night. I'm pretty tired...

July 19, 1995


Well, if it weren't for an e-mail that I got the other day, I'd be crying right now.

When I was despairing about college financial, one of you sent me a letter telling me of how you were older and that I'd realized that I really didn't have that much to despair over. That letter combined with today's Susan Powter Show (about hard-to-place adopted kids), has kept my spirits from the bottom...

No, I still haven't found anything out about my college finances... my computer crashed. Not just a little crash where a few hours can fix it, but a crash where after hours upon hours of tinkering, I had to reformat the hard drive. All the sweet love letters Rob sent are lost... All the letters you guys sent are gone. It's like a part of my history has been deleted... a part of my life taken. Sure, I still have the diary, but there's stuff that's not written here... and the letters from you guys... it's all gone... as well as almost everything else that was on my hard drive.

I'd respond to all 600 of those e-mails today if it meant I could get my files back... but that's not a possibility.

Hell, I'm using Write from the Windows Software to compose all this... Later today I'll have to download everything from as well as a new HTML editor, Netscape, and so on...

July 21, 1995


Well, I've scurried the Net and managed to re-install all the software I've had on my computer... but, as one guy wrote, it could've been a lot worse. He lost all his family's pictures and momento... And Rob resent all the e-mail that he and I had exchanged, so at least I have that.

Last night I was talking to Rob on the phone about our business venture trying to encourage him to do something. On Monday, he told me to mark his words that Tuesday was going to be a productive day as far as computer purchasing and such. Since we were using the "talk" command, I saved the text (Thereby marking his words)(He knew she'd died on Sunday and that he was going to go to New Hampshire before he told me to mark his words.)

So, anyway, Tuesday came and went, Wednesday came and went, and then yesterday was half over. I asked Rob if he'd done anything regarding the computer stuff. He hadn't. He told me that he had everything completely picked out and was going to order it on Tuesday: Yet it was Thursday and he was still apathetic. He told me to have patience... which I have none. I can't see why he's dragging his heels... no, rather, I can't see why he's digging his heels in like he's playing tug-of-war.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon he told me not to nag him anymore about it until yesterday night. I agreed.

So after I got off of work last night and went home, I called him. He said he was looking through the books, but he only knew about 90% of what he wanted to get. I questioned him, saying that he said that he knew what he was going to get on Tuesday. He said that he was looking at different vendors and such.... anyway, we talked for a while and ending up fighting.

It wasn't a shout fest: It was a "I'm tired of nagging you."-"I'm tired of hearing about it." Two sentence, long silence fight.

A minute or so later, I meowed to break the tension. We talked some more and then he said he was going to go drink some of his "Koluga" or something like that. (I don't know jack about alcohol, but it was something that sounded like that.)

I told him that I didn't want him to. Since I've known him, the only other time he drank was after reading an e-mail from me that was a response to his... and to think about it, I was complaining about his apathy. I mean, it's not like I'd like it if he went out drinking with friends and such, but that's completely different than drinking to get away from your problems. I told him this and he said that it wasn't a problem... that if he wanted a drink, he didn't think there was anything wrong with it. Of course, to my ears, that sounded just like the commercials for the drug rehabilitation program for alcoholics.

He said that he wouldn't drink anything and I asked him if he'd tell me if he would. I told him that sometimes I'd tell my mom that I wouldn't do something just so that she wouldn't worry but then do it anyway. He said that I wasn't his mom.

We talked for a while longer and eventually I said that I'd just go drink some wine that my parents had received as a gift a few years ago and that he could go drink his. He didn't say whether he was going to or not, but that was the end of our conversation. We said goodbye and I went downstairs.

I went to the utility room and looked for the wooden box containing the bottle of wine. I carefully noted the arrangement of the surrounding items so that I could replace the wooden box without anyone noticing that I'd moved it.

I got the box out and opened it. There was only one of the three bottles left. I'd drunk one bottle a few years ago when I was curious about what it was like to get drunk. (In retrospect, I think I was just a little tipsy, but not drunk.) "Where's the other bottle?" I thought. Maybe my brother drank it. Maybe Mom used it for one of her crafts... but whoever took it probably noticed that one bottle was gone.

So I went back into the television room trying to decide whether I should open the last bottle. For at least thirty minutes I sat in the lounge chair thinking of ways that I could open it and put it back with water (Watching Priscilla was inspiring ) If I did that and Mom used it for crafts, she'd never notice that it wasn't wine since the smell would still be there. If I did that and my brother used it for "recreation," he'd probably not notice and who could he complain to if he did? But... I couldn't think of a good way to reseal it... and if Mom noticed, I didn't want to put the stress of thinking that he son was an alcoholic on her... and thus, I decided that if I was going to drink, I'd wait until I get back in Boston.

I went upstairs and decided that since I was already feeling pretty bad just from the whole occurences of this week combined with the deal with Rob, I would watch a video Chris and I made when we were best friends. I hadn't had the courage to watch it before... but I turned it on and managed to control my emotions. It was nice to hear his voice again... but at the end, there was a video collage that I'd set to the music "Friends Are Friends Forever" by Michael W. Smith which I'd dedicated to Chris on a local radio station. Goose bumps over took me and I immediately turned the video off.

I put the video back in "The Chris Box" (it doesn't really have a name), hugged Wile E., and went to bed...

This morning I came to work and starting downloading more software on the Internet.


Well, I called Rob to see how he was doing. He didn't sound too wonderful, but he said it was because he'd just woken up. We talked for a bit, but it was like a sheet of glass (as opposed to a wall) was between us. I was dying to ask him if he'd done anything computer-wise, but I managed to stay away from the subject.


I called Rob again even though I said in a conversation before that I was going to wait and let him call me. We talked for a bit and I told him that when he was upset, I was upset. He then said that he'd call me back later.

About ten or fifteen minutes later, he called back to say that he'd ordered the computer stuff and it would be here in two and a half weeks. We talked for a while and then he said he was hungry, so I let him go.

All is well...

July 22, 1995


Last night I was driving around on my 3 hour break from work and decided I'd go back to Kroger to see if they'd gotten the August issue of NetGuide. I went inside and looked through the computer magazines, but it wasn't there... at least not for the first five minutes. Then I saw it. So I picked up all the copies of NetGuide and one copy of another magazine called The Net (naively thinking that it would somehow camoflage the fact that I was buying four copies of the same magazine)

So I went to the checkout with my five magazines and luck would have it that I got in a lane where the cashier felt like she had to talk to everyone about there purchases. (Thank goodness I wasn't buying condoms again.)

My magazines went down the conveyor belt and she looked at them and then at me with a "Are you mentally stable?" face. I explained that I was buying them because there was an article about me in them. She asked, "Why are you in them?" So I asked, "Do you know anything about the Internet?" She said, "No" and I tried to tell her that people like what I'd done and this magazine had given my site a favorable review. She was clueless, but that wasn't going to stop her from being nosy. She said, "So there's an article about you because you'd a member of the Internet." (and that sentence right there should show you how clueless she was.)

Anyway, as I was leaving, she said, "Looks like you bought a copy for every member of the family." I really felt like turning around and saying "Fuck you, you nosy bitch," but I managed to control myself...

Still thinking about how she'd iritated me, I went back to my car and read the article. It was really koool to see...

So I headed back to the video store and showed Amanda who asked if she could take a copy to show her Mom. --It still sorta throws me off guard when I think about Amanda's parents knowing that I'm gay. I guess it's just the fact that for so long they didn't... and nothing has ever been said about it in my presence.-- I gave Amanda the magazine and she left.

I logged in and loaded up the companion disk which came with The Net magazine. It was a series of hotlinks, including on to my Boys On The Side page. I'm trying to keep my ego in check.

I played around until about 11:30PM then headed home.

This morning Amanda opened the video store and I came in at one... I'm stuck here until eleven. But at least while I'm here, I can work on "the business stuff." I feel like a complete fool saying "the business stuff"... from now on, until it's unveiling, I'll simply call it RJ stuff.


Only five minutes until I can close this store. Ya know, you'd think that running a video store would be such fun, but it's not. People don't return their movies. Kids cheat on the game we have set up to entertain them. And it just generally shows you how the world is flawed. But I'm not going to worry about that... too much other stuff to worry about

Anyway, I don't have anything really exciting to say: Nothing really exciting has happened. Guess that's life.

July 23, 1995


Well, today nothing much has happened except Rob and I argued about the potential name of our new company. I first told him that it was okay, but later called him back to say that I didn't like it. It doesn't ring.

So we talked about it and talked and talked. Rob's one of those guys that can't stand "Netscape Enhanced" written on someone's page and a person who hates how Windows controls the PC world. I'm one of those guys that realizes that's the way life works and a person who wants to be like "Windows" in the gay world.

Anyway, he argued that my name "might compromise his integrity." That was when I told him I'd let him go back to watching T.V. Since then (about four hours ago) I've thought about why I didn't like the name he created. I said that it was chunky and didn't flow, but it's more of a misplaced modifier... like saying "Truck Ford Assembly" or "Broadcasting American Company" instead of "Ford Truck Assembly" or "American Broadcasting Company." I've yet to talk to him and explain that, but I will before the night is through.

July 24, 1995


Well, last night I thought a little more about the whole business name deal and decided that I don't always have to have my way. I got home, called Rob, told him how the name was a misplaced modifier, and then said, "but I've realized that I don't always have to have my way and you can name it anything you want." And I meant it.

Rob immediately perked up. We talked until around midnight when he said that he had better finish his homework. He said, "I love you." and I said, "Well, I guess I must love you to, or else I wouldn't let you call it whatever you want." He said, "I know... and that's part of the reason I love you."

This morning I was going to work on the RJ stuff some, but due to construction next door, I can't get the air conditioner to work. It's roasting in here and thus, not exactly a productive environment.


The flower shop just called and said they had a delivery for Justin. Of course it's from Rob... he's such a sweetheart. I got the biggest smile on my face whenever Caller ID said Madison Flower Shop... I tried calling Rob, but he wasn't at home or at his cellular phone.


Well, I got seven pink roses from Rob and was really impressed with Rob's sweetness. I called him to thank him, but had to make our conversation quick since I had to take my grandmother home. (Mom had taken her to the eye doctor earlier.) When I got back, the card was gone. I asked where it was and Mom didn't answer. I knew she'd taken it so that no one could see. That pissed me off since the card didn't even say anything "incriminating." It simply said, "Just Because You're You! Love you, Hon." But she still thought that was too much... I don't know what she was going to answer if someone asked.

Anyway, a little later, my half sister came into the video store. Mom went over to the flowers and said, "I have to move these to get the tape out (of the VCR.)" which was a total crock. The tape had been sitting in the V.C.R. for an hour and it didn't have to come out. She was just saying that as an excuse to sit the flowers further in the corner. I called her on it, but she didn't say anything.

Well, while I was typing that last sentence, I asked Mom about moving the flowers and why she hid the card in the file cabinet. She said that she didn't want to lay it over on my desk because it might get lost. I asked her why she moved it at all, why it couldn't just stay on the flowers, that it only said, "Just Because You're You! Love you, Hon." She said that she didn't know why she took it off and I started to cry. I told her once again that the only person that has ever hurt me as far as being gay is her because she's so worried about someone else hurting me. She said that she told Granny they were from Rob. I wonder if she did. I know Granny asked, but I only responded, "I'll never tell."

Earlier, I was talking to my brother at home. He turned 18 over the weekend so I told him that he should get some credit cards. He said, "Why?" I said, "So you can buy everything you ever wanted." He said, "That's what girls are for. My girlfriend bought me a $70 shirt and her mom gave me $25." I told him, "Well, someone bought me roses today." He said, "That's queer... sending roses to a guy." I said, "So." He then said, "It probably was a guy." and started talking to his dog. He told her, "Jackie, gays don't deserve rights. We should shoot 'em all." I said, "Go ahead, I dare you to shoot me." That's the closest I've come to actually saying, "I'm gay." to him... but I think that's close enough. If he hasn't figured it out by now, he doesn't need to know. I mean, I know he didn't mean anything by his comments to the dog. That's just his assigned role here in the South. He has to act like the big, bad, faggot killer, but he doesn't really mean it. He's got to "believe his own hype" as the saying goes. He has to act that way around his friends and thus, he needs to act that way around everyone. It would hurt him if he let his brain process that I'm gay and then have to hang out with his friends and gay bash (mentally, not in reality).

Anyway, my point was, I told my brother about the roses, so I think anyone else that might ask about them should know... she could always say that she didn't know who "Hon" was. What's the difference between that and playing completely dumb by having the card missing?

Anyway, I'm going home now... to do what, I don't know.

July 25, 1995


This morning Kate called to say that she'd talked to Dr. Root and that things "were looking like they should." And that, basically, although I didn't have the paper in my hand, it was pretty certain that I'd be getting the same financial aid award as last year.

Kate asked me how I felt about that, if I still wanted to goto COM, and if I thought it was going to happen now. I told her that I really want to go (and the more I think about it, the truer that is), but I was unsure that I'd be able to go because of loans approvals and such.

We talked for a while and I further explained my loan and parents' financial situation. As far as the PA (peer advisor) stuff goes, I told her that I could understand where she was coming from, that she wouldn't want someone to write the students and then have them not come back to BU. She acknowledged my concern, but said that she had a good feel about my return and that she thought we should go ahead with the PA stuff as if my return was definite.

She later told me that she'd have Mona, the head of the PA program, call me.

A couple of hours later, Mona called and I re-explained everything to her. I told her that I thought we should go ahead with everything and that if worse came to worse, I'd find an eloquent way to tell the advisees that I wasn't going to be able to return.

For the next twenty minutes, she tried to catch me up to where the rest of the PA's were. She gave me itineraries and told me that she'd send me more information. She, too, asked me how I was feeling about the PA program and all its responsibilities. I told her, "I'm just thinking about going out to buy new stationery for the letters." in a very enthusiastic voice. I truly am excited about it. I wanted to be a PA back when I originally applied, but then I resented not being chosen, I think that was the reason that I was so down about it before. But, now I'm going to behave as though I'm going back to BU and going to be a peer advisor. If that doesn't happen, I'll cross that road....

In other news, I talked with Rob last night and told him that he'd have to come up with a name for our company by the end of today. He called this morning and told me... I actually like it and what's odd is that it's a name we mentioned before. I asked him about that and he said that since I'd given in some, he would as well.


Well, I redesigned the logo for the RJ stuff to fit the new name. That took about three hours...

July 26, 1995


Today's been an okay, but lonely day.

There's this one guy who comes into the video store that looks very much like Chris and each time I mistake him for the real thing... and my heart dies a little when I find out that it's not. Guess it'll teach me to wear my contacts.

Tonight I was thinking about life and longing for a person like Chris. It still feels like part of me is missing... and of course, Rob enters my mind while I'm thinking about all this. We're closer now than I ever thought we'd be and thus, I'm not sure exactly where things are going to go. When we met, I was pretty darn sure that nothing was going to happen between us... but now I love him and care for him more than anyone else in the world... but at the same time...

I don't know why I worry about all this all the time... I need to just get out there and enjoy the moment. Life's too short to worry about the past.

So, enough of that. 30 something days and I'll be back in Boston... and life will resume.

July 28, 1995


This morning I got my revised financial aid package from Boston University. They've decided to give me $9000 and a federal loan for $3500 more. That's just shy of half of what I'll need. I still haven't heard about the loans, but it's 95% sure I'll be back at BU this fall... being a peer advisor to about 16 freshman. Koool.


I just finished waiting on Chris's parents. It's such a wierd experience... thank goodness it only happens about once a month... but perhaps if it happened more often, it would give me the courage to voice some of the thousands of thoughts going through my head.

When I'm talking to them, recommending movies, all I can think is, "How's Chris? Is he at home? I'd love to see him. Why don't you bring him to the video store with you? Is he going to school at EKU?" and on and on and on. I managed to ask, "So, you two get rid of the kids tonight?" His mom said that Chris's sister was babysitting at someone's house, but that Chris was going to be back later, that he'd been house sitting.

I also heard her tell another lady in the store that Legends of the Fall is one of Chris's favorite movies... of course, now I'm going to watch it. I don't know what else could have gotten me to watch that movie... practically nothing, but the shear thought that by seeing it, I would somehow be closer to him. That's more than enough of a reason.

What I wouldn't do to have a conversation with him. I wonder how he took the card that I sent telling him that I was gay. Oh well....


You know, it amazes me how Chris's parents and I still get along. We talk as though I'll be coming over to their house after I finish work. (and boy would I love to) And I wonder how much they know about me... when I was asking "Have you seen ____?" I saw Interview With The Vampire and Priscilla but I wouldn't have asked them about those movies for anything. It would've killed me for them to have said anything bad about them... it wouldn't matter if they meant they didn't like the story or they weren't a Tom Cruise fan, I would have assumed they didn't like it because of the gay themes... and it, almost literally, would have killed me. (On a related side note, Eric, the red head from Kentucky, told me more than once that I'd forgotten what it was like to not be out, to have the fear of unacceptance. I haven't... and tonight's interaction with Chris's parents proves it.)

July 29, 1995


I thought it would be nice not to work at the video store tonight: I was wrong. I had absolutely nothing to do. I just went home and watched sucky television. The irony of the situation is that several of you guys are waiting to do something with me when I get in Boston. --I wonder if I'll make it.

July 30, 1995


Well, yesterday afternoon, I placed a classified ad in a Boston newspaper relating to the RJ stuff. I called Rob and ran down the laundry list of things we'd gotten completed. I said, "and the logo's finished" and he stopped me, saying that he still wanted to create a different black and white one for hardcopy stuff (business cards, letterheads, etc.). I told him that the one I'd created, although full color, could easily be printed in a monotone and still look nice. We finished our conversation and then I proceeded to monotonize the logo into several different colors (as if it were being printed with red, blue, or black ink).

When I was done, I FTP'ed them to his directory because iglou's mail server has been slow and I really wanted him to see what I was talking about. I called him and said "I just FTP'ed monotone versions of the logo to your directory. Go look at them, right now." He said he was reading for class and I said okay and let him go.

Several hours later, around midnight, I called Rob again. We started talking and I asked him if he'd looked at the monotoned logos. He said no. I told him once again, "Go look at them." and he said he was tired and was watching T.V.

So I got home and called him back. I appologized for my tone earlier but said that it seemed logical to me that if I really wanted him to see the logos at 3:30PM and he didn't, when I asked the second time 7 hours later, he should have looked at them without even thinking about it.

We talked for a while and he still was going to create a new logo. I had spent literally dozens of hours creating the current logo and he'd had sufficient input (in my opinion) on that one. I changed colors, typefaces, and so on because he asked. I didn't want my logo to go to waste and I was darn proud of it as well, so I emphatically asked him that we please use my logo for everything. I then explained how he should take note that my asking for something was rare as well of my use of the word "please". (My philosophy being that overuse kills the meaning.)

We talked some more and it was apparent that he wasn't "giving in." I told him, fine, that he could design a new logo and he'd see how hard it was.

I laid in the bed, waiting for the phone to ring, for him to say that he could see how important it was to me and that we'd use my logo... that didn't happen.

So, about ten minutes later, I called him and talked about it again. I told him how being partners meant that sometimes even when you think you can do better, you let your partner handle it because it's important to him. It was like he didn't even hear me. I explained how I thought I could have picked a better name for our company, but let him choose it because he really wanted to. He could have cared less. He ended our conversations with "Goodnight." I responded that "No it isn't" and said bye.

I then slammed the Wile E. Coyote stuffed animal that he'd given me into the wall. And I think it hurt me more than Wile E. --I'd slept with him every night since Rob left.

I decided there was no way I could sleep feeling like I did, so I called Rob once again and tried to explain. He once again gave me his non-caring attitude and said how he wanted to present a professional image, that my logo was fine for online stuff, but he wanted a different one otherwise. I told him to me that said mine was fine for cheesy online things but not good enough for anything else. I explained that my koool pages didn't get to where they are by accident, that I knew how to present things and create image. I asked him if he'd removed his logic and emotion chips (referring to Data from Star Trek).

We talked for a while more and then all of a sudden it was like someone else was at the other end of the phone... perhaps it was my crying... but he said that he hadn't realized earlier how important it was to me, that we'd use my logo for everything, and that he was sorry. He appologized several times and my tears slowed. We talked for a while longer then at 3:22AM, I told him to go to bed.

I went to sleep with Wile E. tucked under my arm.

July 31, 1995


Yesterday I went to my second movie of the summer, The Net.

Mom, Granny, and I arrived at the theater ten minutes after the movie had started and I still had from giggling and talking. The movie was good, though. Before we went, I was worried that it was going to be too far fetched, with technology that didn't exist, but it wasn't. Sandra Bullock even did "real" things like whois and searching for IP addresses.

This morning was not so wonderful.

At 8:10AM, I felt something tickling my face and tried to push it away; it stung my thumb. Then while I was trying to go back to sleep with my sore thumb, I heard Mom crying hysterically while she was coming up the stairs. I jumped out of bed, grabbed a pair of shorts and then saw her open the door. I was certain that she was going to tell me that Dad had died since his recent birthday had turned him 60 years old and his "over-the-hill" age had been the subject of some conversations.

But when she opened the door, I could see why she was sobbing uncontrollably. Jackie, my brother's dog, was bleeding from the mouth and not moving. Mom's shirt was covered with blood, so I hugged her from behind and told her it was going to be okay. (I never liked the dog, so I wasn't upset and could concentrate on calming Mom down)

She started telling me in her gasping, crying voice what happened and saying how it was her fault since she let Jackie outside and how she was worthless, that she never did anything right. I told her that she was worthwhile and that we all loved her (Mom... not the dog). For the next thirty minutes or so, I tried to calm Mom down, but it wasn't much use. Jackie kept bleeding and Mom kept saying, "Don't be dead. She can't be dead. She's not dead." I felt her side and she did indeed have a pulse, but her eyes were open, blood was dripping and she wasn't moving. A few minutes later, I felt again and the pulse had stopped. I told Mom in order to stop her from thinking that we were going to take Jackie to the vet and she burst into an even more hysterical cry.

I told Mom that I would bury her... and explained that I wouldn't bury a dog for anyone, that it was because I loved her (Mom)... but in all honesty, I'd probably bury a pet for anyone that asked me.

So I got my workboots on and went outside to the edge of the yard where I started digging a whole... but the shovel broke and skinned my wrist pretty badly as it skidded by.

I patched up my wrist and arm then continued digging the grave. When I went back inside to get Jackie, I'd found that Mom had put her in a box and had changed out of the bloody shirt. I picked up the box, took it to the hole, put it in, and covered it with dirt.

Ever since, Mom's been hugging me all day and crying at random. She's so worried about telling my brother. I need to talk to Dad before she meets him tomorrow. (He's out of town.) I have to let him know how upset she's been and thus maybe he can shield her from some of the pain that my brother's going to cause her.

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