My life... June 1-14, 1995

June 1, 1995


Well, Eric wrote a letter saying that his previous one had been "rude and slanderous" and he was sorry. I wonder about the motives of his writing, though. In reality, this web diary does change things. I think that he really is sorry... but I still wonder if he'll try to be different. Right now if I wrote a list of pros and cons to being his friend, the list would be heavily weighted to one side.

But, I'm a sucker and I'll give anyone a second chance, but my tolerance levels will be much less and my revenge levels, much higher. I mean, if I get screwed over twice, watch out.

I've also decided that I'm only going to include other people's e-mail if I want to and not because I feel some sort of inane obligation to provide opposing viewpoints. I think I'm fair and self-analytical to give the truth. This is my on-line diary and as such tells how I feel.

In other news, I'm creating a video letter for Rob. I took the video camera around with me yesterday and I'm videoing today as well.

I wish there was something exciting to write in here, but since this is life, there are boring times.

June 2, 1995


Well, Jamie called yesterday afternoon to ask if I wanted to go see Mad Love but I had to work because Mom had to go to traffic school for speeding.

While I was here at work, I finished editing together the video letter that I'm creating for Rob. I then packed it in a box, along with a card and another little present I bought at Wal-Mart (can't mention what just yet because he'll read this).

When I got home, I gave Rob a call and we talked for a bit. He had to go eat with his family, but then called me back. We talked for a while longer and discussed our relationship and how it doesn't fit the classic boundaries. I guess we're like best friends, but moreso... but that seems so weird since I only knew him for a week before I came back to Kentucky. I mean, we're so close that I told him that I love him and that I wouldn't be worried about doing something sexual (not sex though) with him. I trust him completely. I mean, I am not stupid enough to not use a condom, but I feel secure with him... but, even with that said, I still wouldn't do anything that would put me at risk. I'm extremely AIDS-aphobic.

What I'm saying is that I'm very much the prude, but I would unprudenize with Rob a bit. Of course, I'm still just talking and my ultra conservative morals would probably kick in at the time, but I could see myself intimately touching him... but not (most likely) sex (anal, oral or otherwise) with him. --Sorry I had to get so graphic, but I want to make myself absolutely clear.

But at the same time, I would still be looking for that red headed Mr. Right... oh, I sound so messed up when I'm writing this. I sound like all those people that I never want to be like. One's that just have sex for having sex... but that's not the kase, I guess the core of what I'm really trying to say is that I love Rob and wouldn't have a problem showing him that through intimate touching. Right now, I don't see him as the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but who knows... only time will tell.

Anyway, last night we talked about our relationship and about him coming down to visit soon... I then went to bed with the Wile E. Coyote stuffed animal he bought me and he said that he was going to sleep with the Fatso ghost doll that I bought him.

Hmm... now that I've written this here, I wonder if I'm killing my chances with that red headed knight who just passed the Interactive Red Headed Knight Search. I hope he'll realize that by writing this here, he'll never never have to worry about me being completely honest with him.... oh, I hope I know what I'm talking about.


Well, Jamie just stopped by to return a movie he rented yesterday. It would have been the perfect time to ask him if he wanted to hang out later today, but I didn't. A couple of days ago, one of you wrote to tell me that you sensed I was holding back as far as Jamie was concerned. Well, that's right. Like I mentioned before, he asked me out a long time ago and there was no way I would have gone out with him. His looks were a major turn-off and Amanda told me about how much of a slut he was.... now Amanda says he's changed, but while we were out the other day, he was talking about getting drunk and all his ex's... of his ex's that I know, they're all people that I wouldn't want to touch with a ten foot pole. They're just gross... And I really don't want to be just another number... especially on a list of gross people.

But I think that may just be a cop-out. I really don't find Jamie attractive in any sense and I'm pretty sure that he does find me attractive. Could be that I'm scared of that... ya think?

June 3, 1995


Well, last night I was working here at the video store, when my friend Sarah stopped in at around 8PM. She asked if I could leave and since I was supposed to be off at 7PM anyway, I said okay.

So we drove around Richmond talking for a bit and eventually ended up at Dairy Queen. When we were there, we ran into several people I never really liked from high school. But we ate our ice cream and talked about college anyway.

After that, we decided that we could go see a late movie (since it was already 10:30ish). We came back to the video store and called the local drive-in, but nothing good was playing. We then called a theatre in Lexington which we found out was having a midnight showing of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but we didn't want to see that either.

So I got the Lexington paper and found that at the Winchester drive-in (about 30 minutes away) Junior was playing at 11:15PM followed by Casper at 1:15PM.

We decided that the Winchester drive-in would be our destination, but I wanted to take a pizza. So we ordered the pizza, picked it up, and then went to Winchester to arrive about thirty minutes into Junior.

We found a parking place, tuned the radio to the appropriate station (the sound was broadcast through AM radio instead of using speakers), and started watching it... well, I couldn't think about the movie at all. I'd seen it before for one, but I was caught up in the kooolness of being at a drive-in. All I could think was "I wish Rob was here. I would have such fun being romantic with him, here in my car." It was like a fantasy that I couldn't put out of my head. I'd never thought I had any interest in making out in a car, but being at the drive-in and actually realizing that it was a real possibility brought it out of me. I mean, I guess when I think about it, I do remember wishing I could go like the other kids to the drive-in with their dates... but that was in high school when I thought being gay was being sentenced to misery... I know better now and I know that Rob is going to come down to Kentucky sometime this summer and I can't wait to take him to a drive-in. I almost get goose bumps just thinking about it.

So after a while of fantasizing to myself, I told Sarah of how I wished I could take Rob, who I clarified as my "semi-boyfriend" --and in all honesty, I would have to say that each day we become closer to actually being boyfriends--, to the drive-in with me.

After Junior ended every other car left except for us. Sarah and I were laughing hesterically... we couldn't believe that they were going to show Casper just for us... but they did.

After Casper was over, we headed back to Richmond. I dropped Sarah off then went home.

Once I got home, I tried to call Rob's cellular phone (which he'd set up to work in Idaho during his mini-vacation) but no one answered... so I went to sleep.

June 4, 1995


Well, last night, I got off of work at around 8:30PM and didn't have anything to do. So I drove around Richmond and then decided that I should drive to Lexington to buy something for Rob and to buy some condoms. Now with that said, I must clarify. Like I've mentioned before, I'm extremely AIDS-aphobic. (Even if I was going to masturbate someone with my hand or just touch a guy on his penis, I would use a condom.) And since I was quite horny and anticipating Rob coming down to Kentucky later this month, I thought that I shouldn't put off buying condoms until the last minute. I mean, I knew that I would have at least a week's notice due to airline ticket pricing, but I also knew that something could come up where it would be difficult for me to go to Lexington to buy them. --I had to go to Lexington because I would be too embarrassed to buy them in Richmond... ironic, I know; I can tell hundreds of people on the Internet that I went to buy condoms, but I can't go to a local store to buy them.

So I headed towards Lexington, telling myself that the thing I wanted to buy Rob was only in Lexington. I got to Wal-Mart and went in... I could barely breathe. It was the most crowded I'd ever seen it, but thinking back, I'd much rather it have been crowded than empty.

So I walked to the health and beauty section and found the condom section... but there were people around, some even buying condoms themselves. So I walked around, picked up a "miss you" card for Rob, got some shaving cream for myself, and then went back to the condom area. No one was there.

I came around to the front of the shelf (I'd snuck around the corner to make sure no one was around) and looked at the various boxes. They were nothing like I'd anticipated. There were no huge letters reading CONDOMS on the boxes. There were no naked ladies on them... thank goodness.

So I looked through the various choices and ended up taking a Trojan 12-pack assortment. I went to the checked out and stood in what seemed an endless line behind an older man. I made sure the clerk was someone who would be "condom friendly"

I was two people from the cash register when I decided to check the expiration date. It said 031800. What the heck was 031800? I couldn't buy expired condoms, so I got out of line and walked back to the health and beauty section... but there were some guys standing there. I'd finally managed to calm down while I was standing in line and then I had to go back to the condom rack and get some more. ARGHHH... but I couldn't go while those other guys were there, so I walked around and then it dawned on me. 031800 meant 03/18/2000. Why in the world would they have a day of the month when they didn't expire for five years? and why didn't they put slashes? 03/18/00 would have been understandable, but a simple row of six numbers?

So I got back in a line, but with a different cashier. I slowly made my way up to the conveyor belt where I put my things down, being careful to make sure the condoms were hidden on the bottom.

The cashier said "Hi" and then rang up my purchase. My $6 box of condoms ended up costing over $20 because of all the other stuff hiding the fact that I was buying condoms.

She gave me either an "I'm glad your having safe sex." or an "Oh, you're having sex, eh?" smile and I left... by the time I got to the car, I could feel the warmth of my embarrassment in my face. (in other words, I was blushing)

I got in the car and headed back to Richmond and then on to my house.

When I got in, I called Rob since he was supposed to be back in Boston at around 10 o'clock and it was then 10:30PM, but he had just walked in the door so he said he'd call me back.

He called me about ten minutes later and we started talking. I told him how I'd braved a crowded Wal-Mart to buy condoms in anticipation of his coming down to Kentucky. He then relayed a story about how "one time" he encountered an old lady while he was buying condoms. Well, being the communications major that I am, I noticed that his sentence said he had bought condoms more than once... but he'd earlier told me that he'd only had sexual relations with one woman, one person ever. Why would he buy condoms more than once? I asked and he said that he bought them for himself. To use them while he was masturbating... but that sounded fishy. I mean, I was, indeed, wearing a condom when he called. (Hey, I'd never masturbated with a condom before, so I wanted to see how it felt) So I could understand his curiousity about using a condom while masturbating, but why would he buy more than one box to do that? So we talked for a good while and he eventually ended up trying to calm my fears by telling me his complete sexual history, which was, in fact, limited to that one girl.

We talked for a good while (about two hours) and then I confessed of how I was wearing a condom when he called. We talked a little longer and then I ended up naked... and telling him so. Well, I then got the condom back out of its package, put it back on, and masturbated while talking to him on the phone. --I can't believe I'm telling you guys this.

After I was finished, he then masturbated while I was on the phone talking to him.

I can't believe that we actually did that (or that I'm telling you). I've felt pretty guilty today, but Rob told me not to feel that way. I guess I'm too conservative as far as sex goes. My dad says that too many people put too much emphasis on the physical part of sex; I think I put too much emphasis on the mental part of it.

But life goes on, and in actuality, I guess I didn't really do anything THAT major. I think, though, that last night did solidify my determination to stay a virgin until marriage. If I feel this guilty after phone sex, I think I'd probably puke my guts out after real sex... unless I was married.

June 5, 1995


Well, last night while I was working at the store, I called Rob and we talked, but he told me that I needed to check my e-mail, so I did. I found a letter saying that he had tentative airline reservations to come to Kentucky on June 17 and leave June 26. So I called him back and said that I got the e-mail. He was wanting me to be jumping-out-of-my-seat excited; but I was admittedly not. I'd gone back into my sexual cave after that phone conversation and all I could think was, "If he comes down to Kentucky, I'm going to feel pressured into using the condoms. And when Jeff came to Kentucky it ended in disaster." and so on. I wanted to see him and go to amusement parks with him and just generally share Kentucky with him, but only with him knowing what I was thinking. But I couldn't talk because I was at the video store and Mom was standing nearby. (I couldn't very well say, "I'll feel like I have to use the condoms." without raising some interest from my mother.)

So I told him that I would call him back when I got home.

When I got home, I called him back but only got the machine. While I was talking to the machine, though, I got a call from Curt. So I talked to Curt who was seeking advice about choosing between two girls who are after him. Rob returned my call, but I was talking to Curt, so I told Rob I would call him back.

About thirty minutes later, I called Rob and he said that before he came to Kentucky, he wanted to know exactly where our relationship stood. What dreaded words to hear. I ended up telling him that whenever I have a boyfriend, that person is the only person that can effect our relationship... meaning that if I have a boyfriend, no matter if Christian Slater walked up to me and asked me out, I still wouldn't dump my boyfriend. Whenever I have a boyfriend, an internal conflict would be the only thing that would break us up. But that's not the kase with Rob, yet. If my red headed knight came up to me now, I would go after him. I would still feel guilty about finding a guy and leaving Rob alone --Not that I would leave Rob alone, but I know I would focus on the new guy--, but I would feel even more guilty if Rob and I were boyfriends and I dumped him in order to date that red head.

But, moreso, I didn't want Rob to move to boyfriend level because from past experience I know whenever two guys break up, they rarely see each other again. With Adam, he's in Tennessee, is most likely not coming back to BU, and pretty much hates my guts. With Jeff, he's still in Boston, but I only saw him twice from spring break until the end of school. I don't want that to happen with Rob and if keeping him at the really close friend level is what it takes to ensure that he'll be around for a long while, that's what I'll have to do. Rob is the closest friend I've had in years and I don't won't to ruin that.

So we talked for a long while once again... only this time, my parents were paying the phone bill. I really wanted Rob to come to Kentucky, but I wanted to make absolutely sure that he knew everything I was feeling.

Near the end of our conversation, he said that he was going to sleep and sort his thoughts before doing anything as far as the plane ticket was concerned. He said that he was leaning in a positive direction but wouldn't tell me what that meant exactly. I really wanted him to go ahead and confirm the reservations last night so that he would be "forced" into coming... but he didn't.

So this morning, I woke up at 10:30AM and called him; I got the machine. At 11AM, I called back and he answered, but he said that he still hadn't gotten out of the bed. He said that he was going to call and confirm the airline reservation... but I had to hear that he really did call. So at a little after 12PM, I called again and he said that he had called and will in fact, be here Saturday, June 17.

I'm excited that he's coming and I'm actually glad that we did have that conversation last night. Now everyone knows where everything stands and I still think that we'll have a great time while he's here. There's no pressure for me to make out with him, but I know I'll probably ending up doing just that. ... especially at the drive-in.

June 7, 1995


Well, Monday night I went to my brother's high school graduation and it was quite the Hooterville production. The sound was horrible, the people talked through the entire thing, and I nearly roasted to death... but it brought back memories. I remembered when I was sitting down on the floor in my blue robe thinking that I was finally going to get out of Richmond... and then I thought of how I haven't seen hardly anyone that I used to see daily for years after years.

Also, while I was there, I couldn't help but think how life is so short and how it didn't seem long ago at all when I was down on the floor. I was almost overcome with the feeling of "My life has to matter," the same feeling that has determined me to be a mass media major. I have to change the perception of gays both internally and by heterosexuals. I will do it... this web site is only the beginning.

And when I re-realized that life is short, I couldn't help but think that maybe I'm being crazy with this red head search and completely overlooking a great guy who loves me to death, Rob. I had a strong urge to run to a phone to call him to tell him that I love him, but I didn't. I'd told him that enough lately...

And then afterwards, when I was standing out front, I saw a few red headed guys that were absolutely gorgeous. My feelings turned around completely. It was like, "I must hold out for that red head." So who knows? I'm confused. ... but I'm sure these 9 days with Rob in Kentucky will help me to better sort my thoughts... I hope

Once my brother had said good-bye to his friends, he, Mom, Dad, Granny, and I headed to Lexington to eat at the Texas Roadhouse. My brother had some friends there as well, so they sat at an adjoining table and acted like complete fools.

After fussing more than a few times about how I wished I was back in Boston instead of out with hicks, (I didn't quite say it like that.) we were done and headed back home.

Yesterday, I didn't do much. I did, however, buy a tent in anticipation of Rob's visit to Kentucky. We're planning on going to Kings Island (an amusement park) and camping out there afterwards. That was about all I did yesterday, though.

This morning, I answered some e-mail, but I'm suffering from a kase of e-mail burnout. I'm working down the list, though.

Speaking of this web site, with each passing month it's getting more expensive and I'm wondering just what I'm going to do about that. I've still got two weeks on this month's bill, but right now, I already owe $47.

One more thing, if you share my red head obsession, check out Days of Our Lives for a really cute red head. I'm watching it right now.

June 9, 1995


Some retard is on Oprah this afternoon saying that his church has changed him into a heterosexual. Arghh That is one of the several reasons which I don't like Christianity. How can love be immoral? Oh, I forgot, two penises, that makes it evil. What a crock. This guy would set off any the novice's gaydar yet he's up on national television saying that he's now straight.

Anyway, he was only an audience member... okay, I've calmed down now.

Yesterday, a truck followed me about seven miles out of town to my house. When I turned in the drive, it followed me. I was like, "What is this guy doing?" and starting to get a little nervous/defensive. I then saw that it was Chris D., an acquaintance friend from high school who I met through Chris.

Chris and Me

We talked for a while and I even squeezed in the pathetic, "So, have you seen Chris lately?" question during our conversation. He said no and we talked a little more, but my mind was more on finding out what Chris had been doing.

Lately, I haven't done much. Today I'm stuck here working until 11 tonight. But, today has been interesting in that I got e-mail from a fellow graduate from my high school this morning. I don't know him, but he wrote to say that his picture is in the yearbook. I'm very anxious to get home to see if I remember him; the name just doesn't ring a bell.

In other news, Rob is still coming down next week. I made reservations at a campsite near Kings Island. I'm getting pretty excited, but at the same time, a little apprehensive. I still think I'm destined for that red head... and yes, I know I talk about this a lot, but it's really on my mind a lot.

June 10, 1995


Well, I got home last night and found a letter from Steve in my mailbox. I pretty much figured I wouldn't hear from him again... at least not until I got back to Boston. But he wrote to say hi and see how I was doing. I was glad to hear from him, but that awe that was once there is no longer. Perhaps if I was to see him face-to-face it would could back... but I guess I won't know until the fall, if then.

I went inside and looked at my yearbook to see the guy's picture that I mentioned in the last entry. I saw it and I can't remember ever having seen him before.

I talked to Rob on the phone for a while then went to sleep.

This morning before I left to come to work, I saved three butterflies from my cat. They had gotten trapped in the porch and he was climbing the screen to pounce on them. I caught them one by one and put them outside.

After I got to work, I called to reserve two spaces for whitewater rafting in North Carolina during Rob's trip to Kentucky. Watching The River Wild yesterday sealed my thinking.

I then wrote Steve and my friend Helen each a letter. After writing Helen's, though, I decided to call her. We talked for about fifteen minutes and then I said that I had to go. (I'm already going to have a huge long distance bill from talking with Rob and updating this page.)

Sarah, an employee/friend, came into work at 3PM; I took the letters to the post office and then headed home where I simply laid around for a while.

At around 4:30PM, I headed towards Wal-Mart where I bought a koooler and then to K-Mart where I bought a citronella candle. (It supposedly keeps bugs away.)

And just a few minutes ago, I made reservations for a campsite near the French Broad River (where Rob and I will be whitewater rafting.) I'm starting to get really excited about this whole Rob trip.


As I was looking over my access report, I once again noticed how people have tried to access the Exclusive Art Page without first sending me a picture. (If you type, I get notification that abc.html was accessed.) So every day, I see where someone has tried to access reward.html or artx.html or the like. Even if you were to guess the correct URL (which is unlikely) you'd still have to know a valid login name and a valid password. In essence, you'd need three passwords... so don't even bother.


Well, I got mail from a guy telling me how he thought I was "power mad" in "flaunting the secret URL" to the Exclusive Page. He then proceeded to tell me that the Internet should be "totally free access to information" and on top of that, I was very shallow for the red head search.

But, what's really the kicker is that this same guy wrote me a couple of days ago to say that he wasn't a red head, but nonetheless a virgin and would set me up with some guys fitting my ideal guy description in New York City.

The Exclusive Art Page is not me being power mad; it's simply me offering a reward for doing me a favor. (sending me a picture of a red head)

In perkier news, Rob is really excited about the trip, too. I only had time to talk to him a little since he spent the day with his dad, but he wrote me a lot of e-mail saying that he's really excited.

June 11, 1995


When I went to sleep last night, I was thinking about Rob. When I woke up this morning, I was thinking about Rob. I think about Rob a lot... but this morning, I think I had a semi-revelation. (I've sort of said this before, but this morning it really hit home. ) I think the reason that I don't want Rob and I to be boyfriends is because I'm afraid that if we go out and it doesn't work, I'll have to break up with him and I know that will hurt him very badly. I guess I'm putting up a wall in order to avoid hurting him. I mean, with Steve, I knew if we went out and I later broke up with him, he wouldn't be hurt; that's just the type of guy he is. But with Rob, if we went out and I decided that it wasn't going to work and broke up with him, he'd be heartbroken.

With Adam, I totally altered his life by breaking up with him. He's no longer going to BU and the path his life was taking has been forever altered in a major way. I don't want to put that kind of havoc on anyone else... I've got to learn to open up again.

But at least, I realize that this fear is a large part of the reason that I don't want us to be boyfriends, but it is not the only one... like I've said before, I don't think I'll ever be completely happy until I'm with that red head... but I don't know... All I do know for sure is that I love/loved Chris more than any other person in the world, that's what I want to experience again.

June 12, 1995


This morning, I cleaned my room... well, I worked on cleaning my room. Afterwards, I drove to Wal-Mart where I bought Rob and I matching "offical" camping t-shirts. (There's nothing particular about them except that I've dubbed them the "official" camping shirts..)

I then came to work and created a web page with Rob's picture... nothing too exciting yet


Well, I replied to e-mail for the last hour and I've still got 190 messages in my "in" box. If you've written in the last nine days and I haven't yet responded, I will respond one day... but I've been busy planning Rob's trip to Kentucky. And thus, e-mail has been less of a priority.

June 14, 1995


Today hasn't been a good day... and last night wasn't too good either... well, except for when I was talking to Rob on the phone who was thanking me for the digital greeting card I sent him.

I couldn't sleep last night for worrying about whether or not I'll be able to return to Boston U. this fall. My worrying stems from my dad's dismal financial situation. For this past semester, I've practically paid for everything. Mom would send me money from the video store and that's how I lived. But the video store got pulled down sending me money and giving some to Dad. When I got back to Richmond, I had to go to the bank and get a loan, giving Dad half of it.

Then yesterday, Mom was looking through Dad's bills and a few were past due. His credit is now crap... and he sold some land last year... so as far as financial aid goes, I'm screwed. His income tax forms say that he made too much to get aid and his credit is now too bad to get a loan. I don't know what I'll do. I swear that I'm not going to stay here, no matter what. I'm so scared that I'll be trapped here to the video store. I mean, really scared.


In other wake-up-and-smell-the-coffee news, I've decided that Rob and I aren't going to do anything too sexual while he's here. As a few of you have written, I think it's more important for me to wait until I feel ready. Right now, I go from feeling ready to feeling completely unready. I've got to wait until I feel ready all the time or else I know anything sexual between Rob and I will drive us apart. I'm not going to let that happen.

So basically, my life is sucking. I could almost cry.


Well, I wrote Rob to tell him about my sucky day and my decision about the sex stuff. He called me to see if I was okay. I talked to him for a bit and soon calmed down.

I'm okay now, and have spent most of the day working on my pages. The Red Head Exhibit is now a reality... and I added a page telling people not to mail me about Muriel's Wedding.

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