My life... June 15-30, 1995

June 15, 1995


This morning I woke up at 7:27AM thinking of Rob. I went back to sleep then woke again at 10:41AM to the sound of my phone ringing. It was the AT&T operator wanting me to switch long distance companies. I hung up on her. (I wouldn't have even gotten out of my bed for Mom & Dad's phone ringing, but I thought it was Rob calling my number.).

Since I was up, I got dressed and watched The Price is Right. After it was over, I checked the mail and found a card from Rob. The front of it looked like this . The inside read "For a GREAT time, you'll just have to wait until I get to Kentucky!"

I immediately called him and thanked him for being so sweet. I then headed to town and to Hallmark where I created a personalized card for him. I then created a Father's Day card before coming back to the video store.

I worked here for a while and watched Ricki Lake whose topic was "Get it straight... keep gays away from my kids."

A little later, I got e-mail from a guy who'd written once before. I noticed his e-mail the first time in particular due to it being from ""(a large publishing firm).

Well, anyway, his e-mail before was pretty flattering, but this one was even moreso. Part of it reads:

  First off, I want to tell you that I am truly impressed with your sense
  of presence. I truly think that your have a remarkable ability to write
  at such a young age (okay, you're not that young, maybe I'm that old).
  I stumbled onto your diary a while back, and have showed it to a couple
  of friends (I don't think you mind, seeing how 3.5 million people have
  Web browsers) and I would like you to consider calling me about it. I
  don't really know to what end (no, nothing romantic, I just really dig
  your work).
  My number is...

Well, the more I got to thinking about it. The more exited I've gotten. Not that I'm really interested in publishing this... but I'm extremely flattered that someone at Random House wants me to call him to talk about it.

Don't get me wrong, I think that having something of mine published would be pretty darn koool... but I'm experiencing one of those "It's a great feeling just to be nominated" things. That e-mail made my day... but I haven't called him. I have no idea what to say. I will call tomorrow, though.

Today has been pretty darn good, overall... especially compared to my dismal mood yesterday.

June 16, 1995


Well, I just finished talking with the guy at Random House. I was nervous before I called, but then calmed down after I started talking since he sounded exactly like Jeff, my ex-.

We talked for about ten minutes and he suggested that I send something to one of the various literary magazines. He took my address and said that he'd look over my diary to give me some suggestions and then send them to me along with a page from a literary magazine publishing guide/handbook.

I told him not to "bust his butt" or anything over it. (That was my way of saying that while I think it would be nice to be published in a magazine, it's not like one of my major life goals.) I guess, I've never been one who's liked changing my work for someone else. --Yes, I know that's how life works.-- Nor have I ever been a person interested in literary magazines... or print in general.


Well, I paused from here to e-mail the guy at Random House to tell him what I was thinking. I feel like a real ungrateful snot, but I don't want him to do work on something that only may interest me.

Wait, I should better explain myself. I've never been a person who likes to receive help, even if I need it. So, now that I have this guy offering help, I'd feel guilty about him helping me when it's not something that I really want. --I usually feel guilty about people helping me anyway.


In other news, I'm once again watching Days of Our Lives and lusting after Jack. My mom said that he's not really a red head, but he's red headed enough for me.

And, only 29 hours before Rob will be in Kentucky. I'm going to take it easy while he's here. I don't plan on answering hardly any e-mail or even updating this on-line diary until the end of the week. I need a vacation... and I'm going to get one!


Well, earlier tonight I checked the video store's mail and found my MCI long distance bill; It was $322.11! From that, $231.57 was calling BU to log in. Needless to say, I won't be checking my e-mail or uploading this page quite so often. I'll still update this page regularly, but I won't upload it but about once a week. I just can't afford to. Nor can I afford to have anyone send me any pictures.

In other sorta sucky news, Rob went out with some friends partying tonight. I know alcohol was going to be involved and I can't help remember what happened last time someone I was dating got ahold of alcohol. I know Steve and Rob are very different people, but alcohol changes even the bigest prudes.

As I was getting ready to upload this, I found a truckload of red heads in my incoming_redheads directory. I don't care how much it costs, I'll still download any red heads you guys have to send me. Thanks DF. (You know who you are... tried e-mail, but it bounced.)

June 17, 1995


This morning before coming to work, I took my car to have my brakes fixed. My mom then took me to the flower shop so that I could pick up three burgundy carnations for Rob. Sometimes I'm still amazed at how well my mom takes me being gay.

I have to work until 4, but then I'll be headed for Cincinnati to pick Rob up from the airport. On the way, I plan on picking up a cake from Chuck E Cheese's.

June 22, 1995


Well, I headed out of here with my flowers in tow and stopped at Chuck E Cheese's to pick up a whip cream "birthday" cake for Rob. I got to the airport at around 6:30PM and started walking around since Rob's plane wasn't due in until 7:14PM.

I went to the Delta terminal (which is huge) and was going to use the Creat-A-Card machine, but decided it would be a waste since I'd already given him so many cards.

I headed over to the United Airlines gate and waited for Rob. As time passed more people arrived and I decided that I was a little nervous about him kissing me in public like I'd already told him he could. So I hid near the telephones thinking that either I'd be hidden while he kissed me or he'd be taken off guard by my jumping out at him and forget to kiss me.

The people exited the plane, but Rob was no where to be seen. Minutes passed and my heart raced. I had no idea where he was... but then I saw him. I couldn't stand still and wait in my little hole so that he couldn't kiss me out in public. So I walked towards him and he hugged me. I thought he'd forgotten about the kiss, but he then pulled away from me and his face headed for mine quickly. He kissed me and I kissed him. (on the lips) It was over in less than a second and wasn't nearly as bad I'd imagined; it wasn't bad at all.

We waited for his luggage and then headed to the car. I gave him the flowers and cake. He then gave me a card and some erasable magic markers. We kissed and then left the airport parking lot.

We ate fast food on the way back and stopped at the video store to meet Mom before heading homeward. They talked for a bit and then we left.

While we were upstairs in my room, we made out a bit, but kept jumping at the sound of anyone coming up the stairs for fear that it was either Mom or Dad. (I would have jumped no matter which gender I would have been making out with.)

Time passed and eventually Rob and I went downstairs to find that Mom had burnt a cake. The house was filled with the smell of smoke. After talking to Mom, I asked her if she was going to tuck me in. [yes, I'm 19 and my mom still tucks me into bed] Also, I figured if Mom tucked me in, that would be the last time she would come upstairs.

So Mom came upstairs and said goodnight to us both. She went downstairs and shut the door to my room behind her.

We began to kiss and "make out". Eventually we ended up with nothing but our boxers on. Our hands went inside each others' boxers but did nothing but tickle. We fell asleep around 2AM.

At around 4AM, we woke and once again kissed and tickled before falling asleep a few minutes later.

Near 8:30AM, we woke, but stayed in the bed since Mom and Dad were downstairs. They wouldn't be leaving until around 10 to go to church. I wasn't sure if Mom would come upstairs to harrass us about going to church with her, so I kept Rob's and my making out to a minimum.

At around 9:30AM, I went downstairs in my boxers to see if they were still around and to use to bathroom: They'd left. I used the bathroom and then told Rob that it was safe for him to come downstairs still "aroused" (if you know what I mean... and since you're probably male, you do).

He used the bathroom and then went back upstairs. Once we were in my room, we hugged each other and felt each others' "arousal". By this time, I'd already played peek-a-boo a few times by pulling Rob's boxers out and looking at what was contained within. (which was very large, by the way... but more on that in a second)

So as we were standing, hugging each other, I pulled back and played "peek-a-boo" once again... but this time, I pulled his boxers down a bit. I did this a few times and each time kept pulling them down a little further than the time before. Finally they ended up around his knees. I stepped back and took a good look.

I'm not sure how, but my boxers ended up around my knees as well while he looked. We then hugged each other with me being careful to make sure that our "arousals" weren't near each other. (Mine was pressed up against his outer thigh while his was pressed against mine.)

We stayed in that position for a while and then moved to look at ourselves in the mirror on the door to my room. We stepped back from each other and held each others' "arousal". (It reminded me of that picture called soap.gif (of two guys holding each other while standing in a shower: one's red headed, the other black haired.)) Our arousal grew in more ways than one and I ended up asking Rob if he thought we should put the condoms on. I didn't have intentions of using them, but I thought it was better to be safe than sorry... but as I was fiddling for the condoms, Rob's arousal left him.

I put the condom on myself and then tried to re-excite Rob. I tickled him some, but still it was no use: His was dead.

Eventually, though, his came back to life and he put the condom on. We then proceeded to lay in the bed with our warm naked bodies pressed to each other. (It was quite erotic at times.)

We kissed and necked and moved into various positions. I ended up laying next to him, moving in a rhythmic motion until my arousal had been released. But I kept moving and kept my hand on his arousal in order to release it. For what seemed like an eternity, I kept going... but it was no use. I gave up and told Rob to build up his arousal then I would release it. So he worked and worked on it, but never got it near releasing. It was nearing 11:30AM and we had to get up and be back at K-Mart to have the brakes refixed at twelve. I told Rob to hurry up and started to laugh at the irony of the situation.

In another irony, the day before Adam and I broke up, I released his arousal for the first and last time and it nearly broke my arm off at the amount of energy necessary. His arousal was large as well and thus, when I was there with Rob on my bed, I came to the conclusion that large arousals are no good since they are too difficult to be released and tend not to be straight... (at least in my very limited experience of Adam & Rob) [and since I'm telling about everyone else's arousals, I might as well be fair and tell you that mine is average size and straight]

So, although I tried hard to hide it, I started giggling. He said that my laughing only further contributed to his inability to get near releasion.... and I'm sure he was right.

At 11:30AM, I went downstairs and took a shower. He followed, still slightly grumpy.

Once we got to K-Mart, the guy took my car for a test drive while I stayed in the office talking with Rob. I felt guilty about my having pleasure and him not, but I didn't quite know what to say. But the day went on and no more was said of the morning's activities.

Oddly enough, I still feel that I'm a virgin. Although I've had an orgasm in the presence of Adam and Rob, it wasn't what I consider sex. Rob says that virginity is all in someone's personal definition of the world, and I guess he has a point. In my definition of virginity, I would have to participate in either oral or anal sex. In the straight world, though, oral sex most often isn't considered a loss of virginity... So, I still consider myself a virgin... and I don't think that's denial... but if I was in denial, I wouldn't know it, now would I?

After the car was fixed, we headed back home where Dad had started to cook out. Mom arrived a little later with Granny and we all had dinner. I made ice cream with Rob's assistance and then everyone went their separate ways.

Rob and I packed the tent, sleeping bag, etc. into the car and then stopped at the video store to get some money and say goodbye to Mom.

Afterwards, we went to Wal-Mart to buy some last minute preparations before heading southward towards North Carolina.

We got to the North Carolina state line a little after dark... and that's when things started getting bad. We only had a rough idea of where we were going. I'd received detailed instructions on how to get to the whitewater rafting resort, but I just assumed that the campground would be nearby. In actuality, I had no idea where it was.

But the detailed instructions weren't much help anyway. Road construction had created a detour and thus "turn left nine miles after the middle school" lost all meaning.

We drove and drove until we gave up by staying at Days Inn. We didn't know where we were, but figured that we'd find out in the morning.

Monday morning, we woke up at around 8 o'clock. We got ready and then headed to the first gas station that we passed. We went inside to buy a map of Asheville, but asked the cashier if he knew how to get to the French Broad. He answered back that it was in Paris, but then tried to help. Turns out that we were asking how to get to a river and not how to get to the meeting place for the Nantahala Outdoor Center. Once we'd established that fact and shown him the brochure's map, he told us where we needed to go.

We followed his directions and found the Center at around 9. We went inside and registered with a tall, well-tanned, slightly muscular, moderately handsome guy named Bruce. He asked us if we wanted to ride in the large boat or go on "duckie" (small inflatable boats for one person). I thought the excitement of the duckies would be fun, but wanted to have Rob to blame if I got killed trying to control my own little boat... so I asked him which one he wanted to do. He thought about it for a while and said that he thought the duckies would be the most fun.

We went back to the registration desk and told Bruce that we'd chosen the duckies. He told us to go downstairs at 9:45AM to put on wetsuits.

So we walked around, just passing time. Rob bought some straps to hold his glasses in place and then we started putting on the wetsuits.

They looked really dopey and were less than flattering on my physique.

But, anyway, we got wetsuited and ready to go. A few minutes before 10AM, Bruce handed out the life jackets and everyone got on a bus. (In addition to us, there were a few couples and a church youth group.)

After a short bus ride, we stood next to a fairly wide river and listened to Bruce relay safety instructions about the large boat. He then took Rob and I aside to talk to us about navigating the duckies. After a two minute talk, he put us in the water and had us go in circles to practice. He went back to the large boat, leaving Rob and I on our own in the smooth water.

June 23, 1995


As I was saying, Rob and I were playing around in our one-person duckies while Bruce went back to put the large boat into the water. A few minutes later, the large boat was going down the river with Rob and I following closely behind.

We went over some small rapids before stopping on a rock. At that point, the water was shallow enough for Bruce to get out and stand while holding the boat.

After letting the other boats (there were 4 total) catch up, Bruce got back in his boat and we continued down the river.

Through the course of the next two hours, Rob and I followed Bruce who periodically turned around to give us specific instructions for navigating each rapid. He kept stressing that going directly forward was the key in not turning over.

Near the beginning of the trip, we stopped on a very small beach and this red headed, G.R., introduced himself and his whitewater rafting companion, Gina. Throughout the trip, the large boat's members watched and laughed as I tried to navigate in my small boat, but G.R. and Gina seemed to pay special attention (which I naturally enjoyed).

Rob and I followed Bruce's boat over several rapids and then we stopped once again to wait on the other boats. (Bruce was the manager of the Center and thus the leader.) While we were stopped, I picked up a rock as my souvenir of the trip.

A little further down the river, my boat started going down a rapid sideways. I was rocking back and forth and was certain that I was going to flip... but I didn't.

About thirty minutes later, I got caught on a hydralic. The current was trying to push me forward while the small waterfall was trying to pull me back. Bruce yelled, "Paddle Justin" and then Gina yelled "Paddle! Paddle!" I paddled my heart out and managed to pull out.

A few minutes later, the trip was over. Rob and I were the first ones to finish, so we stood at the clearing near the bus while the other people got out of their boats.

While we were there, I asked Rob who he thought was cute. He said, "Bruce" and while Bruce was handsome, he was a little too full of himself for me. I asked Rob to guess who I thought was cute. He said, "Hmmmm... could you have been talking to him the whole time?" and gave me a coy smile. I said, "Yes" and laughed.

So we rode in a bus back to the Center and got out of our wetsuits. Rob took a shower, but I was too modest and only rinsed myself off fully clothed. [yeah, I can tell you the graphic details of my "sex" life, but I can't shower with other guys] I did change my clothes, but left on my wet underwear...

However, while I was changing into my dry clothes, I saw G.R. wearing a towel, getting ready to change into his. I tried to watch him without being obvious, but I know my head turned when his towel dropped. Luckily, he was turned the other way and didn't see me, but I did get to see his butt.

Rob and I then went to the office and ordered pictures of our whitewater adventure, which should arrive in 3 weeks and which will be on-line.

After stopping for some fast food, we headed towards Gatlinburg, Tennessee, a huge tourist town.

We followed the signs and made it into the Smokey Mountains. We drove for a while and then got onto a smaller road. For the next hour, I drove about 30MPH on a road that curved left just after it curved right. We passed no one and the gas gauge was nearing Empty. Rob's cellular phone wouldn't work... and then the road became gravel. I was certain that we were going to die in the middle of no where.

Eventually, we came upon a wooden sign that said US 40 <-. US 40 wasn't where we wanted to go, but at least it would get us back to civilization... so we followed the small, poorly paved road: It worked. When we got back on US 40, we realized that we'd gone in a circle and were five miles away from the exit 447, the one we originally took. The second time around, we decided an alternate route would be best, so we took exit 443... but only ended up at the same place... this time, however, I payed[sic] more attention to the signs and noticed that I'd missed a turn-off. After driving for a long while, we saw Gatlinburg: I was extremely relieved.

We parked the car and then headed towards the main street. We passed an arcade and Rob challenged me to a game of air hockey... he won: 7 to 6.

We walked down the street again and stopped at a different arcade where we played a 6 person, mega screen video game. It was $3 per person... and definitely not worth it.

A few minutes later, we reached the main street and entered Ripley's Believe It or Not! Museum. Rob was much more interested in the exhibits, but I did my best to not act like I was bored. (and I guess he still doesn't know... well, at least until he reads this) One notable part that I did like was the two-way mirror where people were making faces. On the first part of the tour, Rob and I passed a display where a television below a mirror was saying "Did you know that only one in three people can roll their tongue?" So, of course, we attempted to roll our tongues; Rob successfully, me not. But then at the end of the tour, we were on the other side of the mirror and could see the people trying to roll their tongues. By them having no idea that it was a two-way mirror, it was pretty funny.

After the museum, we headed further down the street to arrive a fudge shop. We had a few samples and then headed towards a place to play laser tag. It was one of the most boring games of laser tag I ever played... but at least I came in third place... Rob was next to last.

After that, we walked further down the street and passed a shop selling T-shirts that had a rabbit on it and read "Silly faggot, dicks are for chicks." (a parody of the Trix cereal ad's logo, "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids.") Needless to say, we were a little pissed. Rob couldn't believe that they would actually sell a shirt like that, but I reminded him that he was in the South were sales of Rebel flags were plentiful.

We then headed back towards the car, only to stop at the World of Illusions Museum. We inside and solved every illusion. Almost all of them were created using two-way mirrors. I'm sure we would have had more trouble if we hadn't been at the Ripley's museum only hours before.

Before leaving Gatlinburg, we road ski lift chairs directly up the side of a mountain. There was no snow; the chairs were there to offer a better view of the city.

After heading back down, we went to the car and back towards Kentucky. I was extremely tired and felt my eyes start to glaze over. I was determined to drive home, but was self-aware enough to know that I shouldn't be driving. I asked Rob if he wanted to drive, but he said that he didn't have a driver's license since he didn't bother to renew it.

So we pulled over to a Wal-Mart in London, Kentucky and I called Mom on the cellular phone to tell her that we'd be home a little later than planned (just in kase we both fell asleep and didn't wake back up until the morning) so that she wouldn't be worried.

She told me to get a motel, but I told her that I only needed a few minutes of sleep and that it was stupid for me to get a motel only an hour away from home... I also didn't want to spend the money since the whitewater rafting trip had cost more than a little.

I turned the car off and closed my eyes. For about ten minutes, we stayed there: That was all I needed.

I got back on the road homeward. The cellular phone rang; it was Dad calling to say that he wanted us to find a motel and to then call him. I said, "oh well," and kept on driving.

About thirty minutes later, Dad called to see what was happening. I told him that we were already past Renfro Valley and that I was awake. I don't think he really believed me so he starting talking to me and asking me about my trip. So I told him about the duckies and Gatlinburg and such. Ten minutes later, he was convinced that I was awake and let me get off the phone.

We arrived home a little later and quickly fell asleep.

June 27, 1995


Tuesday morning, Rob and I woke at around 9AM, got dressed, and headed towards Kings Island (an amusement park near Cincinnati Ohio).

We arrived at a little after noon and checked into the campground. Afterwards, we drove to the amusement park and began to ride the roller coasters.

Throughout the day, we saw more red heads than I think I've ever seen in my life... no wonder there are none in Boston or Kentucky; they all live in Cincinnati.

But seriously, I saw at least 50 good looking red headed guys: I was in heaven... and I kept pointing out that fact to Rob. I apologized a couple of times, but he said that he didn't care, that he was just glad that I was happy. That made my bliss all the worse.

As the day passed, we even saw one red head that was gay. Rob and I were waiting in line for the King Cobra (a roller coaster where you stand instead of sit), Rob pointed out a red headed guy a few feet in front of us. I looked at him and said, "Yuck."... but as we moved along, I kept looking and noticed that he was wearing a Don't Panic shirt, so I pointed this out to Rob. Rob said, "and he has freedom rings, too." So, there was even a known gay red head at Kings Island... and I'm sure a lot of others that weren't so out.

At around 5 o'clock, Rob and I decided that we wanted to ride Kings Island's newest ride, The Drop Zone (a 153 feet high swing of sorts). I made reservations for Rob and I to take the plunge at the soonest available time, 6:15PM; so we had a while to wait.

As we were waiting, a guy in a Kings Island uniform, Sergio, came up to me and asked me if I had a few minutes. I explained that I was waiting for The Drop Zone and needed to check-in at 6PM. He said that it would only take 15 minutes, so I agreed.

Rob and I followed Sergio into a building where he told Rob that he would interview him after me and that he should wait outside until we were done. I went inside and answered a series of questions about a potential new ride for the 1996 season. I was rewarded with $3 for my time as I headed towards The Drop Zone to check-in.

So, I checked in for the ride and the lady told me go to the readying station since Rob and I needed to put on our harnesses.

I walked back to the outside of the building where Rob was answering the questions and started to pace. The sign clearly said that if we weren't there at least 15 minutes ahead of the reservation, it would be cancelled and no refunds would be made. I'd already paid $40, so the idea of just giving it away didn't sit too well.

I waited until 6:03PM and decided that I couldn't wait any longer: Rob simply had to come with me, whether or not he finished the survey... I walked inside the building, knocked on the office door, opened it, and said "We have to go."

Sergio looked up from his pad and apologized for keeping Rob longer than he'd promised he would... I shut the door and walked briskly back to the readying station. As I neared it, I heard a lady saying something about lightning over the public address system: the ride had been temporary suspended for lightning.

Rob and Sergio arrived a few seconds later and Sergio asked if we'd lost our place in line. I told him no and that everything was okay. He once again thanked us for participating in his survey and left. I told Rob about the lightning postponement and then asked an employee what the deal was.

He told me that my ticket was now either refundable or usable at any time until closing --without a reservation. So we kept the tickets in hopes that the lightning would stop.

After riding a few other rides and visiting a koool laser show, we went back to The Drop Zone and got in line. After being suited up, we stood in anticipation... a minute later, we were being hooked onto the wire.

The employee told us to grab the sides of the wall in order to not fall onto our faces whenever we were lifted off the ground. A few seconds later, we were dangling in the air. A few seconds after that, we were being pulled up to one side like a giant pendulum. I then heard, "Flight #2, 3-2-1 FLY"... that was my queue to pull the rip cord... so I did. We immediately dropped 30 feet before being pulled forward by the wire. The wind rushed towards us... or rather, we rushed towards the wind... and only came back down to earth after swinging back and forth several times. It was great.

Near the end of the night, Rob and I took our picture in a photo booth for the second time. While I waited for the pictures, Rob said, "I'll be back in a second." I assumed he was going to the bathroom, but it took him too long... After the pictures came out, I walked towards where I thought he was and passed him coming back to me. I asked him where he was, but he wouldn't answer. He said I'd find out soon enough.

As I harassed him about what he'd bought, we went up in a 1/3 scale replica of the Eifel Tower. I didn't much like it. Heights don't bother me, but I could see through the cracks in the floor and we could feel the tower sway.

Rob wanted to watch the fireworks show from in the air, so we stayed until they were over... but afterwards, I quickly got him back to the elevator and back on ground.

Once there, Rob went towards the airbrushed t-shirt shop. I knew immediately that a t-shirt somewhere said "Justin and Rob"... I was partially right. The clerk handed Rob a t-shirt which had "Rob and Justin" airbrushed onto blue bricks. Rob then handed that shirt to me.

Thinking that it was awfully "out" for me, I told him that he could wear it. In Kentucky I never (and only rarely in Boston) wear my "I can't even think straight" t-shirt. To me, this one was much more out. Not that I care about being out, I just don't feel like announcing it... and I must admit, I also didn't want to wear it because I thought it would kill that small chance that I would meet a cute gay red head.

Rob suggested that I wear it to sleep in... and I will I feel like a heel for not wearing it for everyone to see... not wearing it makes me feel like I'm ashamed of Rob, but that's definitely not the kase.

We headed to the campground and someone was in our spot. I went inside to tell the manager, who incidentally was a red headed guy, and he checked the computer to find out that we'd been assigned the wrong place. He gave me a new label for the car and we set up camp there.

After completing the tent setup and starting the grill, Rob wanted to take a shower; so he did.

While he was in the shower, I decided that I would sneak over to the office and take a picture of the red head through the window. I turned off the flash and walked near the office. I was afraid to stop for fear that I might be seen, so I simply pushed the camera's shutter while I was walking. I then decided that I would stand on the side of the window and take the picture at a angle so I wouldn't be seen... but this time I forgot to turn off the flash.

I have no idea whether or not they noticed inside, for when the flash went off, I quickly put the camera by my side and walked to our camp site like nothing was out of the normal. Rob arrived a few minutes later and I told him what an ass I'd made of myself; he laughed.

We then went to sleep... until the rain.

Yes, the rain. At around 3AM, we woke to the feel of rain on our faces. By that time, it had been raining for a while and thus, everything was wet.

I pulled my "I know you're a nice guy and will do this for me" face and asked Rob if he wanted to be the one to get the rain guard that went over the tent. He said that he would.

He got the rain guard from the car, put it on, and got back in the tent. I gave him a big kiss, a hug, and thanked him for being such a nice guy... we then went to sleep for the second time.

June 29, 1995


We woke up at around 11AM the next morning and Rob went to take a shower. I couldn't understand why he taking so many showers... especially since we were camping. Anyway, after he took his shower and we got everything packed, we left for Cedar Point, Ohio (on Lake Erie).

We got there at around 3PM and started to ride yet more roller coasters. As we were standing in line for the first one, The Raptor, we saw four guys who looked like they were gay... but other than that, the gay-looking guys were limited. And there were practically no red heads... well, except for one who was running The Mean Streak, another roller coaster. --Kings Island was much better, in my opinion.

The day seemed to drag on forever. Rob and I were exhausted for the week's previous activities and it was all I could do to stay there until closing.

Don't get me wrong, the day was fun; but by the end of it, our feet hurt and I had a headache .

The next morning we drove home and opened the video store.

June 23, 1995


A few minutes ago, Rob and I were trying to decide what to do tonight. On the itinerary, tonight was scheduled for the drive-in... but there are no movies I want to go see and I'm tired of making out.

Well, Rob is not tired of making out and when I asked him what he really wanted, he wouldn't tell me. So I pressed and then he said, "to make mad, passionate love to you."

I don't want to make mad passionate love with Rob... like I said, I'm tired of making out. This past week, I've made out more than any other time of my life... of course, I'm sure that that is also true for Rob, but Rob is much more attracted to me than I am to him.

So Rob and I talked for a while about what we're going to do tonight and he said that now he doesn't think we should go to the drive-in because he'll want more and I'll reject him.

I know how miserable he's probably feeling... just like I felt whenever I was around Chris, but moreso. Chris wasn't a possiblity in my mind, but I am in his. I think that my talking incessantly about red heads is probably a defense mechanism in order to slightly alienate him so that he doesn't become so enamoured with me... but it doesn't look like it worked.

But, I can't lead him on and lie to him by making out.

June 24, 1995


Well, last night Rob and I left here at around six o'clock. We headed towards Lexington to Sam's Club where I bought some popcorn.

Afterwards, we went to The Olive Garden where we had a nice dinner. Rob was convinced that the waiter was gay and extremely nervous about serving us, but I didn't think so... but I did fill out the comment card to say "Brad was very courteous, attentive, and concerned. He made the meal much more enjoyable."; just a little flirting.

After the meal, I asked Rob whether he wanted to go to the drive-in or to see a movie in a theatre. He said that he thought it would be better if we went to the theatre so that he wouldn't get hurt. We neared the parking lot and I told him that if he was good, we'd go to the drive-in afterwards.

I bought two tickets to Pocahontas, and we went inside. I thought the movie was okay, but it lacked a good ending as well as a good story. The one thing that I really did like was the fact that red headed characters were abundant. --Thomas, an English accented red head, was one of the major-minor characters who caught my interest.

After Pocahontas, we got in the car and headed towards the Winchester drive-in. We arrived in the middle of Congo. Since Rob had already seen it and I didn't want to see just the end, we talked. He was still in sort of a lackluster mood, but wouldn't respond when I asked him why. He then mumbled, "It isn't fair," which I'd heard him say earlier. I asked what wasn't fair and he said that it wasn't fair that he wanted something that he couldn't have. I told him in a caring voice that he knew good and well about the red head thing before he ever met me. I told him that my said plain as day that I was only interested in finding a red head. He agreed that I was right.

We then hugged and kissed a little before I fell asleep.

A while later, Street Fighter was coming on and I only stayed awake long enough to see part of the beginning credits. It was over and the second showing of Congo had begun before I knew it.

We headed home and went to bed... but before going to sleep, Rob said that he felt like our relationship wasn't really a relationship because I wouldn't say that we were boyfriends. I told him that I'd explained before why, but went into more detail. I told him that after going out with Adam and Jeff, I'd decided that I'd never be completely happy until I find a red head. I told him that I didn't want to hurt him unnecessarily, but that if he wanted to say that we were boyfriends that would be okay with me... but that he had to know that the thing about red heads still applied. He gave me a bear hug and a kiss before falling asleep.

This morning on the way to the video store, I called him "my boyfriend" a couple of times, but I added during one of them, "but it says in fine print at the bottom, contract void with the intervention of a red head" And while I know that this is one strange relationship, I think it is fine because everyone knows exactly what the other person is thinking. And yes, I'm aware that he'll still be hurt when that red head comes along... but at least he's happy for now.


After receiving that huge long distance phone bill the other day, I became determined to find a cheaper way to connect to the Internet. I thought switching long distance companies could have been the answer, but after a little research that proved wrong. I then remembered that I heard a few weeks ago that Lexington could be included in the local calling area for an additional fee. So I called a South Central Bell service operator and found out that for $48 extra every month, Lexington can be called unlimitedly. Paying for an unlimited Internet connection with a Lexington access number(there are none with Richmond access numbers) combined with the extra fee from the phone company couldn't be as much as the $220 in long distance charges that I received this month from calling Boston... so this morning I called and requested the switch. Rob's going to search for the best deal when he gets back to Boston... and then I'll be able to do web surfing without worrying about cost (and I'll be able to check out the many pages that you guys have asked me to look at).

June 25, 1995


Yesterday Rob was in a dumpy sort of mood here at the video store and when I questioned him about it, he said that he was just tired. He did fall asleep a couple of times sitting in his chair, so I figured he was telling the truth.

A few minutes before we left, I pinched Rob one of those I thought loving pinches, just to say hello... but he responded, "Please don't pinch me there," in a tone that was very condescending and which made me feel like I was violating him. After a couple of minutes, I told him that it would have been much better for him to say, "Ouch, don't pinch me, that hurt." He agreed and apologized.

At around five o'clock, we left the video store to go to Lexington for dinner. As we neared Cracker Barrel, Rob said all of a sudden, "We can't be boyfriends." He then went on to explain how that he didn't want for us to be boyfriends unless it was with my original definition of the word. I explained how I told him that that couldn't happen since I was still looking for the red head. He told me that I wasn't being fair in not giving him a chance. Rob then told me that if I was going to hold out for a red head, I should really hold out for it, implying that I shouldn't have done anything with him. I raised my voice (but not yelling [really]... just speaking loud) and told him that he was not going to guilt me into anything, that I was extremely explicit about how I was holding out for a red head even before he met me and every time he asked about our relationship. Not once did I ever give any indication that I still wasn't holding out for that red head.

So we sat in silence for a few minutes while I drove around New Circle Road. Rob broke the silence by saying, "I just want to be your friend." And with that, I asked him where he wanted to go eat.

We eventually ended up at Max and Erma's (a casual, friendly-type restaurant) where I had "The Garbage Burger" and he ate Cajun shrimp and pasta. Before the meal arrived, though, we went upstairs to play a few video games and take our picture in a photo booth.

After the meal, we left for the Red Mile Horse Track. Getting there after the first race, we hurried upstairs to decide our bets for the second one. Rob wanted to absorb the situation before betting, but I told him to pick a horse and bet on it for him. He won forty cents while I lost $4.

By the next race, Rob was all set to bet on his own. We both lost: this time $6 each. The next few races came and went with Rob and I losing every time... For the fifth race, Rob and I were daredevils and tried to pick the first three horses in order... remarkably, we did it and both won $86.30. It was quite exciting.

The next few races, we lost some of that money back, but Rob was determined to keep $40 and I was determined to keep at least $1. (Yes, I'm a gambler.)

I continued to lose, but in the eighth race, Rob won again... $103.

We played for the rest of the night, but never won again.

Afterwards, we headed home and before I went to bed, we were hugging when I noticed a bulge in his shorts. I touched it and said, "What's this?" with a smile on my face. Rob responded, "Please don't touch me there," in the same tone as he'd used before... but this time I felt even more like I'd violated him since I did touch the front of his shorts. I went to bed and slept in the far right side, making absolutely sure that I wouldn't touch him in any way. (Previously, we'd slept hugging each other.)

A few minutes later, he came upstairs and went to bed, saying nothing more than good night.

At around 8 o'clock this morning, he moved over towards me to ask what was wrong. I told him how I was sleeping on the side of the bed without a pillow or cover to make sure that I wouldn't touch him. He got up and went downstairs.

I waited about ten minutes to see if he was going to return, but he didn't. So I went downstairs to see what he was doing. He was sitting on the couch with my cat, Mirabella. I went over to him and kneeled. I told him that the way that he told me that he didn't want me to touch him last night made me feel like a child molester and I started to cry. He tried to grab me, but I ran back upstairs and back into bed.

He followed me and told me that he was sorry, that that was never his intention.

I hugged him and then somehow we started talking about how he should adopt my philosophy, that he should go out with me but still look for his "John Q. Blackhead" while I looked for my "John Q. Redhead." Rob thought about it for a long while and then said that he didn't think that he could do that. I asked why and I think we fell asleep before he answered.

I was wakened by Rob saying, "We're more than just friends." We then started cuddling and kissing. I rubbed his stomach and accidentally hit his "arousal." A few minutes later, I touched it and asked if that was okay: He said yes.

We stayed in bed until 11:30AM when it was time to get ready to come to work. --Overall, I think we're exactly where we were at the beginning of the week.

June 27, 1995


Well, yesterday morning I got up and took Rob to the Cincinnati airport. I wasn't really all that sad to see him go... I only started to miss him when in bed last night. For the past week, we'd slept cuddled next to each other... but last night I was alone.

Today I called and signed up for service with I've got to wait until tomorrow (or at the latest Thursday) for the PPP part of my account to be turned on... but at least then I'll be able to be online as much as I want.

I'm seriously considering adding a "backup-line" as it's called so that I won't alienate customers by having them reach an eternal busy signal. It would be $16 more per month, but I think I'll wait a while to see how things go.


Well, my PPP connection was turned on earlier than I thought and at this moment I'm downloading some pictures. (Can you guess of what? )

Today's been pretty sucky in most respects. I'm glad that I can now play around on the Internet again, but I feel lost -- in life, not on the Internet.

When Mom was telling me earlier that I should write to the Dean of the College of Communication to explain my financial situation, it made me start to think about where my life is going: I have no idea.

I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. All I do know is that it's important for me to have a job where I help other gay guys accept themselves and where I can help heterosexuals better realize that we're just normal people... and I know that I'm alone. I started to feel this way at the end of the week with Rob. While he was there in what seemed like a boyfriend capacity, something was missing. I desperately want that red headed Mr. Right and I'm determined to hold out until he comes along. And yet once again, I can't really explain why I must have a red head: I simply must.

June 29, 1995


Last night I discovered IRC. I'd played on it a long time ago and thought it sucked... guess I was just using the wrong program. Anyway, while I was there, I joined the #gayboston channel where I met another BU student and a Harvard guy. A little later, the Harvard guy sent me a private chat request and we started talking... I asked what he looked like and he said "dk red hair". Well, of course, I had to know more. He gave me his web page's URL and I checked out his picture: He was cute. We talked until 2:30AM (my self-imposed time limit) and while he told me, "I'm not exactly a redhead you'd find yourself in a relationship with," it's nice to know that a cute red headed gay guy exists.

Today's been pretty dull so far... lusting after Jack on Days of Our Lives is about all I've done. I did check out the Days of Our Lives web site a few minutes ago, but there wasn't a picture of Jack there.

June 30, 1995


Yesterday I got a short follow-up letter from that Harvard red head, so I wrote him back. And then this morning I got a really long letter from him telling me about his life and such... but on the end of his letter, there was a copyright notice and a paragraph telling me not to use any of his letter/thoughts on-line. Geez, these red heads sure are paranoid about their privacy: and that's completely incompatible with me. The world is too full of secrets (--Do you think that if so many gay guys weren't secretive about their homosexuality, there would be such a stigma in being gay?--) and thus I refuse to contribute to any more: Nor do I have the time or patience to deal with overly secretive people.

Last night, when I got home from the video store, I found a letter from Steve in my mailbox. He thanked me for the licorice I sent him for his birthday and told me how he was busy with Pride Weekend and such in Boston. I was glad to hear from him... but, I was far from the ecstatic state I got into whenever he called me before school was out.

I got two e-mails from Rob this morning telling me how he's missing me. I miss him too... I've been sad nearly all the time since he left. I'm sure there's some correlation there.

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