My life... March 1995

March 19, 1995

Well, as you've probably noticed, I haven't written in this electronic diary for quite a while. That stems from several reasons... first of all, when the month changed, I was eagerly anticipating Spring Break which started on March 3rd. I had lots to do, much to study, and just generally no time to write here. But, now I'll try to catch up with things until today, March 19.

Jeff and I had decided to go to Kentucky together for my spring break. He'd asked for the week off and gotten it. So I went to the airport and after waiting in line for a good while, got his ticket. I came back here and wrote the last entry for the February "on-line diary".

Things were fine in anticipation for the trip (saying that, you can already tell that something "bad" happened during it.) we got to the airport and checked our luggage. At that time, Jeff started picking, everything had to be just right. We had to eat just this, we had to stand just here, etc.

But we made it on the plane, seats next to each other, and started the flight to Chicago (where we had a layover.) The flight ensued and then Jeff wanted out (he was by the window) to go to the bathroom. I let him and then he came back by a few minutes later to say that he was going to go sit up near the front of the plane so that he could look out the window. He was literally awed by the plane and everything to do with it (which was cute ). He said that he'd be back in a few minutes and he was, but when he came back he just did so to tell me that he was going to sit up in the front for the rest of the flight. He asked if I wanted to come, but I didn't. I'm not much on breaking the rules or impositioning someone, and thus didn't want to sit in another seat.

Jeff went back up to the front of the plane and stayed there. I was pissed, not really, but I just couldn't believe that on our big flight together, he sat by himself just so that he could get a better view. Was I that uninteresting? I didn't think so.

We landed in Chicago and things were more of the same, exactly his way.

We eventually made it to the airport where Mom picked us up. We drove home and simply talked to Mom on the way.

Over the next couple of days, we didn't have much fun. Jeff somehow thought that the South was going to be excitement non-stop. He was always "how long are you going to be?"-ing everything. When I asked about it, he said that he didn't mean "Hurry up." but just wanted to know. It seemed otherwise. He had nothing planned to do, but still seemed like he wanted me to keep hurrying up.

We argued about everything. Jeff had to have things just his way, and thus I started calling him princess. He treated.. well, I'm not going to bad mouth him any more than I have on the Net for everyone to read.

So, we both had our faults and he ended up coming back to Boston on the Wednesday of the week. It was a mutual decision... actually, I thought it, but he said it. And since I've been back, he came over for about 4 hours one night and we just talked again. In other words, everythings okay. We're still friends, but we both realized that it won't work.

Now the deal with Adam... he's gone. He dropped out of college for the rest of the semester. I'd written how he was thinking about it in last month's entry, but he asked me if I'd remove it. I thought it was the least I could do since his depression for me was the major reason he was leaving. Before he'd left, he'd gotten over me (at least to the point of functioning normally), but it was too late. His grades were too bad for him to pull them up by semester's end.

So now Adam's back in Tennessee working at a new job that deals with computers. I miss him. We were still best friends even though we'd broken up.

I've sent him a couple of "Cheer Up" kits, one with various Easter candy, the other with The Lion King video. I know they made him smile, so at least I cheered him up for a bit.

In other news, I'm working on creating my interactive search for my red headed Mr. Right pages. They're pretty complicated since it's like a "Choose your own path" adventure type of thing. I'll put a link off of the main menu to it when I get it finish, so be sure and check it out when it gets there in a few days.

I guess that's about it for now... I'll add other details that I forgot as they become relevant or whenever I recall them.

March 28, 1995

Well, I told you that I was going to try and keep a better tab on this on-line diary, but I sort of failed at that for the entire month of March. With April, I will do better.

Let's see... nothing really exciting has happened this month.
I guess that's about it for the synopsis. I've spent a lot of time on-line and have made a few new friends.
Also, I opened an account on American Online (yes, I know... the most hated member of the Internet), but I only joined because I had one of those free ten hour trial certificates. I had planned on cancelling my account after the ten hours are done, but I'm finding AOL addictive. Plus, I like my e-mail name, [Note: I may have cancelled this account and e-mail may bounce.]

This morning I had to wake up at 4:45AM so that I could call and tel-reg(ister) for fall classes. I let John use the phone first since I was choosing three lecture classes -- ones which don't really have limits. John registered and then I spent about twenty minutes pushing redial, hanging up, pushing redial, hanging up until I finally got through only to wait on hold for fifteen additional minutes.

When I got through, I wasn't able to register for my COM (Communications) class since it was full. I tried every CM331 class, but only one from 9:30-11AM on Tuesday and Thursday was available. I was so pissed. I had my schedule completely planned out to only have class on Monday/Wednesday/Friday, but now I have to wake up early every day... I don't see how high school kids do it.

At 11AM today, I had an interview for a peer advising volunteer position in COM (same abbreviation, but now for BU's College of Communication). I wasn't really nervous, but it was two current peer advisors and the director of Freshman Orientation all interviewing me. I think I did pretty well except for when one of the peer advisors asked "Here's a hypothetical situation: What would you do if one of your advisees asked you where to get a fake I.D.?"

I had no clue. All I could think of was "I would tell him 'Huntington Street'." or "I would tell him that he shouldn't drink." and I knew both of those weren't the "right" answer. Telling the advisee where to get an i.d. definitely wasn't the right course and telling the advisee not to drink seemed a little naive. So I explained that I would tell him that he shouldn't drink, but if he'd already thought about it and wanted to get an i.d., I didn't think there was much I could realistically do. I also added that if someone wanted an i.d., he/she wouldn't have to ask me where to get one, they're rampant on-campus and even advertised in on-campus magazines.

So, I goofed on that question (and I'm still not sure exactly what the correct answer was.)

In other news, tonight I really don't know what I'm going to do. Probably not much, once again. I think I may actually do my history homework since the teaching assistant threatened a quiz last week when no one had done the required reading.

Sorry that my writing is weirdly worded... I haven't a clue why it is.

March 31, 1995

Today my emotions have run the gamut. I woke up at 1PM and went to go see the movie The Sum Of Us at 3:15PM. I'd read about it in OUT magazine and knew that it involved a gay character and his positive relationship with his father.

So I got there and sat near the front of a moderately filled theatre --well, moderately filled for a 3PM showing--. The movie began and for the next two hours, I sat there going from mildly disgusted to inspired. I was for sure that the gay guy wasn't going to be "depicted in a positive manner." I thought that Jeff was just going to go from a one night stand to the next... but I was wrong.

After the movie, I felt empowered. I knew that I, too, could make a step to finding Mr. Right. I came back home and quickly answered my e-mail. I then called some friends and made plans to go eat with them.

We ate, then went back to one of their dorms just to talk. I found out that both of them are non-virgins. I was so shocked. I already knew that one of the two was far from virginal status, but the other is one of those people that you think would be a virgin even after marriage. I was completely shocked.

We then went to Tower Records just to look around, and I tried to get them to rent a movie with me, or do something else. They would not. I came back to the apartment and then started thinking.

Am I the only virgin (gay or straight) in the entire world? I'm over nineteen years old and still a virgin... and what have I proven. So I'm a vigin... so what? I'm alone... after seeing that movie today, I realize that I, too, long for physical touch.... for someone to caress and kiss me.

If I wasn't so afraid of AIDS and so stoked in my parents' methodist morals, I know I would be out there doing it. You know, I don't think that before today, I quite realized the extent that Adam or Jeff (my ex-'s) were obsessed with sex. It all seemed so foreign to me... and yet still, I don't desire to have sex with them. I don't know what I want. I want to have sex, but more than that, I want the cuddling, the feeling of security. I don't want to be alone.

I could cry if I simply had the energy. I'm so exhausted, so disgusted, so... alone.

I know, you're probably saying, "How can he put this on his website?" Well, this website is as much for me as it is for you. It allows me someone to tell my true feelings. I don't know any of you... in fact, the only person that I know beyond e-mail who reads this is Adam and he lives in Tennessee now, so I don't even see him anymore. I don't even have a face to match the e-mail names with you who have written me... and I've never been one to be really private anyway.

Well, I guess that's about it for today. I'm going to try and download Netscape 1.1b2 after I upload this... but tomorrow, I'm going to go to a club. If Jeff (from The Sum of Us) can do it, so can I... if you're in the Boston area, I'm going to Bobby's (617)248-9520.

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