"How does this explain my state of mind?"
- Well, first of all, I was watching Roseanne last night and marveling at her show's new intro: Since they've been on six or seven years, they have the footage to morph each of the characters from their look then to now. (It's really amazing... I rewound and watched it at least ten times.) And thus, that's why I was thinking about morphing into a gorgeous hunk.
- The pool comes from talking with Larry. He's always mentioning how he's taking a polar bear swim. Also from Larry is the idea that I'll find the near perfect red head only later to have him deny his love for me... I mean, that's happened to me in small degrees personally, but Larry's dating a guy who isn't out right now and that guy's possible reversion to "straighthood" has been a concern on Larry's mind.
- The idea of faking sickness to get out of the situation is a common one.
But overall, the idea of not having the red head I desire comes from my thinking about it nearly non-stop while I'm awake. I've been so envyous of Larry lately with the happiness his new guy has brought him. Larry's on cloud nine and I remember what it's like to be there. I want to go back... so much so that Larry and I have even been discussing a possible trip to Ireland. I think if he and I actually went there, I'd faint. For one, I couldn't believe that I was actually outside of the country and for two, there'd be so many red heads that I'd just get too excited and pass out... I'm not joking. I think I would probably pass out from excitement. And it's not just idle chatter with Larry either. We actually could do it... whoa, I'm getting really excited just thinking about it. Last night, I even spent two hours looking for anything gay and Irish on the Web, but didn't have much luck. Yesterday, the most excitement I had came from watching an AT&T International Long Distance commerical where a red head represented Scotland. I know that sounds crazy or even pathetic, but if I'd been taping that commercial, I would have watched it over and over... It's with this much certainty that I know I'll never be truly happy until I have a red head... the right red head, that is. Are you out there?
4:53AM Technically November 2, 1995
Well, today's been one lonely day. For the most part, all I did was think about not having a red head. A few interesting things, though, did interupt my dispair.
The most notable interuption was an e-mail from the boyfriend of Adam (my first boyfriend). It wasn't hateful or anything like I assumed it would be when I read the first few lines. Basically, it was advice on how I should catch that red head of my dreams... get out and let people know what I'm looking for.
And so, I decided that I would get out there. In fact, I called Steve, the guy from the spring that I was ga-ga over (mostly because he was a faux red head, but also because he was "bad" and my other relationships have all been with goodie-goodies.) Anyway, I called him and talked for a few minutes, but a friend of his came by and he had to leave.
A while later, I asked Rob if he wanted to go to Manray, the gay club, again tomorrow, but he reminded me that I'd already asked him if he wanted to go to a movie tomorrow... and so, while I'm not going to a club, at least I'm getting out of the apartment and going to see a movie. Who knows, maybe the ticket taker will be red headed.
November 2, 1995
Today seems to be going better... I haven't been pining away too much.
In koool news, I got this "carbon copied" letter that Larry sent to Don.
so justin wants to come out (to California) for thanksgiving or go to ireland for xmas just
to look at red heads. check out his nov 1 diary. so we need to talk about this. he is looking into "networking"
a contact or two on the ireland or scotland any place the red heads live. maybe frank (a red headed friend of
Larry's) knows a red head in ireland with a tilt in his kilt. or maybe you have a red headed "straight" friend for justin.
So this Ireland thing may be more than just my fantasy...
November 3, 1995
Today was another boring, lonely day. And I'm tired of boring, lonely days. If you're in the Boston area, would like to meet me tomorrow, and are brave enough to possibly become part of this diary, give me an e-mail.
Why is it that I'm either completely swamped with things to do or I'm completely bored? When I was working at Copy Cop, I didn't have time to do anything. And now, I have way too much time and no one to do anything with. I thought about placing an ad in alt.personals.motss (Members Of The Same Sex) but couldn't write anything to define who I am or what I'm looking for. I know in bits and pieces throughout these writings, I've pretty clearly defined what my Mr. Right is, but it's taken me months to say as much and the definition still isn't concrete.
Okay, I did it. I created the following and posted it to alt.personals, alt.personals.ads, and alt.personals.motss:
/ _ \
| |_| |_ __ ___ _ _ ___ _ _
| _ | '__/ _ \ | | | |/ _ \| | | |
| | | | | | __/ | |_| | (_) | |_| |
|_| |_|_| \___| \__, |\___/ \__,_|
_ _ _ _
| | | | | | | |
_ __ ___ __| | | |__ ___ __ _ __| | ___ __| |
| '__/ _ \/ _` | | '_ \ / _ \/ _` |/ _` |/ _ \/ _` |
| | | __/ (_| | | | | | __/ (_| | (_| | __/ (_| | _
|_| \___|\__,_| |_| |_|\___|\__,_|\__,_|\___|\__,_| ( )
| | | |
___ _ _| |_ ___ __ _ _ __ __| |
/ __| | | | __/ _ \ / _` | '_ \ / _` |
| (__| |_| | || __/ _ | (_| | | | | (_| |
\___|\__,_|\__\___| ( ) \__,_|_| |_|\__,_|
_ _ _ _ ___
(_) | | | | | |__ \
__ ___ ____ _ _| | __ _| |__ | | ___ ) |
/ _` \ \ / / _` | | |/ _` | '_ \| |/ _ \ / /
| (_| |\ V / (_| | | | (_| | |_) | | __/ |_|
\__,_| \_/ \__,_|_|_|\__,_|_.__/|_|\___| (_)
If so, I may be your guy. I'm 6', brown haired, green eyed
Kentucky raised/transplanted to Boston, 19 year old country-boy-
at-heart type of guy who's looking for the red headed knight
of his dreams.
If you can get on the web, check out my web site and quit
reading all this. It's at http://www.koool.com/ or you
can skip directly to pictures of me at
(Actually, they're about two or three years old, but I basically
look the same now.)
If you can't get on the web, I guess I'll have work a
little harder and tell you more about myself and what I'd like
you to be.
If I had my ideal guy, he'd be red headed (a must), under 30,
outdoorsy, of normal or stocky size (but not fat), a soccer player,
innocent, loving, sincere, honest, cute, gay (another must *grin*),
and have his world revolve around me as much as mine revolved
around him. I'd want a one-on-one relationship and would want to
be intoxicated by him. I need a person who is the opposite of me,
but someone I adore. I want someone who'll make me go camping,
and hiking, and teach me knew things. I want to show him things
like skiing and computers and life. I want someone to make a mess
with, someone who'll carve Jack-o-lanterns with me and someone
who'll cook with me. I want someone who'll eat something that falls
on his shirt; stuff I'd never do. I want a guy who'll listen to Reba
with me and take me to country music concerts. I want someone who'll
break the speed limit and stick his head out my car's sunroof. I want
a guy who's daring and adventurous. I want a guy with an occasional
vice. I need someone who'll counterbalance me. Is that you?
I can't really think of anything else to say for now. If this
even remotely describes you, give me an e-mail at email@example.com
and we'll take it from there.
__ __ _
/ /_ _______/ /_(_)___
__ / / / / / ___/ __/ / __ \
/ /_/ / /_/ (__ ) /_/ / / / /
Who knows... maybe it'll work... that's how I met Adam after all.
November 4, 1995
In about an hour, I'm supposed to meet Scott, a guy who wrote in response to my request a few entries above. I've only seen a far off picture of him via his web page, and thus, I'm not sure what he looks like exactly. All I do know is that he'll be wearing white jeans and a dark red shirt. I guess time and I will tell the rest.
As I was walking back from my meeting with Scott, I realized that this diary has enormous power. No matter how hard I tried to keep it out of my mind and out of our conversation, it kept creeping in. What started out as simply telling my story has become a powerful force, both "good" and "bad". I've seemed to have created a virtual Frankenstein.
With that said... I walked into the Pru at around 3:45PM, fifteen minutes before Scott and I were supposed to meet. Everywhere I looked, I thought. "White jeans?" No. No. No.
Eventually, at about five 'til four, I ordered a coke and sat down in the tall tables by Sbarro, where I'd told him I'd be.
A few minutes later, this guy with white jeans, a dark shirt, and really thick glasses walked by. Being color blind and not remembering him wearing glasses in his photo, I thought perhaps the passerby was Scott, but I doubted it. A minute or so later, the passerby came back and sat down at the table in front of me, facing away from me.
I watched him fix his hair and fidget as he looked for what was undoubtedly me. Soon, I said, "Scott?" and he turned around... and our conversation began.
We talked about life, Copy Cop, and most of all about these pages. A few times, I even said, "Okay, that's enough about
web stuff." and tried to talk about other things. I asked him about his dating life, about his job, about his volunteer work, but the conversation always seemed to come back to me and my diary.
For one, he knew everyone: I didn't have to explain who Rob, Larry, Adam, or Jeff were. But, this has happened before, Rob knew all the characters in my life and it worked; so why didn't it work this time? Was it that I was just not interested in Scott? For all the flack I give Rob, there is something, a bond, between us that I've never had before... one that has strength slighted only by my bond to Chris.
And as I was walking back from the Pru, back to my apartment, I realized that this diary is no longer just a part of my life, it's a major chunk of it. I am my diary as it is me.
Whoa... I got pretty deep there, didn't I?
November 5, 1995
In a few minutes, I'll be leaving for another random meeting. We're supposed to meet at the Kendall Cafe near MIT at 6:30PM and he said that he'll be wearing black jeans and a leather jacket. We're going to go see the movie Wild Reeds, which I've only vaguely heard about. I know that it's gay, but that's about it.
1:24PM Technically November 6, 1995
He was normal. But let me start at the beginning...
I took the T, soon found Kendall Square (an outdoor mall of sorts), then found the neon sign reading "Kendall Cafe." It was 6:07PM and thus too early for me to even think about going inside... especially considering that I didn't have a clue as to Andy's looks. And so, I walked around Kendall Square to pass some time.
With the second passing of the cafe, it was 6:15PM, still too early... and thus, I walked around again, this time singing The Beverly Hillbillies theme song quietly to myself.
As I neared the cafe for the third time, I crossed the street to be closer and possibly look in the windows... but the windows were curtained and the door solid. I couldn't see a thing. I thought about going inside, but saw that it was only 6:22PM, so I decided to make one more round.
It was 6:29PM as I neared the cafe. This time I was going inside. No question. I'd already gotten cold from the thirty minutes outside and perhaps, if he wasn't early, he'd at least be there on time. I pulled the door and it wouldn't open. I pulled harder. The place was closed!
Not really feeling like freezing my butt off any longer, I decided I'd wait a few more minutes and make one more trip around Kendall Square before going home. I was going to call Rob as soon as I found a phone to relay the events and to pass some time while I was waiting. As I was walking towards the cinema, though, this guy wearing a leather jacket and black jeans started walking towards me and said, "Justin?"... and he looked normal.
Since it was still nearly an hour away from the beginning of the movie, I suggested that we talk as we walked. And unlike before, I wasn't pre-occupied with keeping the Koool Page out of conversation. Mainly because I wasn't thinking, "How can I write 'This guy is gross.' without being cruel?" Andy was normal... and he had the cutest kid-like ice blue eyes. I told him as much and added that I wasn't flirting. It was so reaffirming to spend some time with someone without thinking, "I hope no one sees me with him" like I had been doing recently. Rob can attest, I was really appreciative of him last night. I thought he was the only normal gay guy around.
Anyway, we walked around Kendall Square a couple more times then bought tickets for the movie. After a quick bathroom break, I went to the concession counter and he walked up behind me. I asked if he wanted anything. At first he said no, but then said, "A small Sprite." I ordered a medium popcorn, a large Coke and a large Sprite. We then went inside to the actual theatre.
This being a gay film and the Kendall Square cinema being pretty gay, there were by far more male/male couples in the audience than male/female ones. As the lights dimmed, I even noticed a guy place his arm around another guy. It was sweet.
As the movie began, I saw "Avec", "Les", etc. and quickly realized that this film wasn't going to be in English. No big deal really. I sometimes turn the captions on when I'm at home watching TV, so reading a movie wasn't going to be that different... and it wasn't. Wild Reeds, however, wasn't like a typical American movie: It didn't have the happy-go-lucky ending, and I left the theatre feeling a little down... but that didn't last long. I soon starting thinking about where Andy was going to stand in relation to me as we headed to the restroom. I knew the urinals were only partially partioned from each other and thus, a crafty eye could see more than it needed to. When we walked into the restroom, I saw that none of the four spaces were occupied and so I took the one on the end. If, for some unknown reason, he took the one next to me, I'd simply angle myself so that I was towards the side wall and keep my private part private. He, however, left a stall between us... much to my relief.
Once we'd gotten out of the theatre, I asked "So what's the plan now?" I wasn't set on heading home, but I didn't want to stand around doing nothing. Andy mentioned that we could go to a coffee shop on Newbury Street. I agreed, then he headed for the parking garage.
As we neared the entrance, I said how I had a general rule of not getting into other guys' cars and that, although I wasn't really worried about him killing me, I'd worry less if I wasn't in his car. He said that he understood and we agreed to take the T. I'm sorta amazed that I didn't actually go with him in his car. I think part of my not going has to do with familiarity. I'm familiar with the T and so if I was on it, I'd feel more comfortable than if I was in his car. Even when I went to the animation festival in Rob's friend's car, I would have been more comfortable on the subway. As odd as it sounds, the T is a pseudo-security space of mine.
Anyway, after we got to the Hynes stop, we started walking on Newbury Street towards the coffee shop. As we passed J.P. Licks I mentioned how I had pumpkin ice cream there earlier today and then suggested we eat ice cream instead.
Once we were inside, he asked me what I wanted... as though he was just curious. I knew, however, that he was really wanting to pay for it, so I answered, "I don't know..." then told him that I wasn't going to say because I didn't want him to pay for mine. He had other ideas and simply told the clerk, "...and whatever he wants."
We ate our ice cream then I suggested that we head towards Tower Records for a look around. Eventually, I bought Reba McEntire's latest CD, Starting Over, then we walked back towards Boylston St.
For a good while, we walked around the area... through the Pru... around the Church... and then to the T stop. I told him that I had a really nice time, he shook my hand, then we said good-bye.
A while later when I was relaying the night to Larry, he asked me if I was going to see him again. I told him that I most likely would; Andy was someone that I could hang out with that was normal.... so why do I now feel like I can't hang out with Andy if there's no romantic interest there... who knows?!?
Speaking of romantic interests, my posting seems to have gotten a some notice. I've got about three guys writing to me. Wayne from Florida, who I've seen in a digitized picture he attached to an e-mail, seems really sweet and has bright red hair. He and I have written back and forth at least three or four times since yesterday, and although I really need some phone conversations and some more pictures to be sure of anything, I think there's a definite possibility of something developing with him.
I've also gotten several e-mails from another red headed guy named Steve who also lives in Florida. He hasn't told me much about himself except that he's 6'2", 180lbs, 28, has short red/auburn hair, and is extremely shy. Time will tell more, I'm sure.
November 6, 1995
For the last twenty minutes, I've had a huge smile on my face... but first you need some background info.
A few days ago when I was looking for "Ireland" "Redhead" and/or "Gay" in Yahoo, I came across The Blarney Woollen Mills Page. After checking out the site a while, I noticed a link labeled "Want to join our St Patrick's Greeting Card list?" and so I clicked it then entered my name, address, etc.
Sometime later, I got e-mail saying that my request had been received and "... I would be very grateful if you would let me know how you came across our site." To which, I wrote back and said 'via Yahoo'... but then I went on to say something like (I can't find the actual e-mail.) "If you want to know more, continue. If you don't,..." In the following paragraph, I wrote about how I was looking for the red headed guy of my dreams and thought I might have better odds in Ireland and thus, the search in Yahoo. I sent it off, told Larry about it, but thought nothing more of it... until today.
This morning I got the following e-mail:
Your message [h]as aroused so much interest within Blarney that
I've decided to go on the hunt for that red headed Mr Right for you. 96FM radio station here in Cork are eager to help you out as well !! Could you please get back to me as soon as possible via e-mail or perhaps give me a quick call on ##########..I think we could stir a bit of interest among the male population of Cork on the airwaves." It was soon followed by another message asking if I knew the specifics of my trip.
Well, as you can imagine, I'm pretty dumbfounded.
The bubble has burst...
I called Larry to relay the information when he asked me if they realized that I'm a guy... I doubt it. With names being so different in Ireland than in the U.S., "Justin" could have just as easily been a female... and if you were straight, you'd assume as much just like I'd assume gay.
I'm doing a little better now. The mailman delivered the business cards I had ordered from Graphiti Printing & Graphics. And while they don't look exactly like the .tif file I sent with my order, they look as close as could be expected. I mean, I'm logical enough to realize that anytime you change mediums, the output isn't going to be exactly the same. But they do look much koooler than standard business cards and that's what counts.
Arghhh... I just finished testing this page and found that it crashed Netscape 1.2. Several tests and re-tests isolated the problem and I fixed it, but one misshapen HTML tag was all it took to knock Netscape out. Today isn't going to be a good day.
© 1995-1999 Justin Clouse