Justin's Life... November 7 - 12, 1995

My life... November 7 -12, 1995

November 7, 1995


Well, last night I got e-mail from Wayne which included his phone number. It was 1AM and thus too late to call. This morning as I was replying, I pass over his phone number again and figured "Why not?" This is how it happened, as I was writing e-mail to him at the time.

He wrote:
Love to chat with you sometime...if I am not here at least you can get an idea what I sound like from my voice mail. ;) My number is (###)###-####.

To which, I responded:

Hmmm... do I dare???? Why not? It's 12:52PM, maybe you won't be home. *ring*, *ring*, *ring*, *ring*, Okay, I heard it. I'm calling again. Okay, the second time around was a little different.
Here it comes, Justin's wonderful honesty when he's talking about someone else, but sometimes it's not too wonderful when he's talking about you.
You sound a little queeny. There I said it.
Okay, I'm going to call back and leave a message.
Okay, I left a message, and then I called my voice mail number to see what I sound like. I guess, in all honesty, my voice mail doesn't sound as masculine as I think I do in person. So, I guess we need to talk in person (via phone, that is) sometime soon.
I'm not attracted to queeny guys and thus, we'd save both of us a lot of trouble by a simple phone call.

I know that message was a little curt, but there's no point trying to veil my thoughts. I know, that if he is, indeed, queeny in real life, a relationship between us could never come into being. I don't have anything against queens per se, but just as I know I'll only be happy with a red head, I also know that I'll only be happy with a masculine red head... Yeah, it sure seems like a neverending chain to me, too.

November 8, 1995

4:17AM Technically November 9, 1995

Why is it in life that you're either completely bored or completely overwhelmed? Today has been one of the latter.

Apparently, my posts to the alt.personals.* groups, along with Larry's posting of my ad on AOL, have gotten noticed. As of now, I've got five red headed guys who are all possibilities writing me. Keeping track is a tough job, but I think I can handle it.

Actually, I spent a good deal of the day writing with a red headed guy here in Boston, who's requested I call him Brian.

Now before I move on, let me address the issue of not using his real name. Once upon a time, I had total cows over anyone who wouldn't let me plaster their lives on the Net for the world to see. I've since matured a little and realized that if I call Joe "John" instead, nothing changes except that Joe doesn't have to deal with his employer or associates knowing the personal details of his life. I don't mind if people know the personal details of my life, but say, if I was at school and thought Dr. Root was reading this, I might think a little differently. As far as honesty goes, though, I'll be just as honest as before. If Brian is an ass, I'll give you the specifics. If he's great, I'll let you know. The only thing I'm leaving out is his name.

With that said, I saw his picture on his web page and well, WOW. In fact, I told him, "Okay, okay, I'll say it 'You looked REALLY nice. Wow... and chest hair.' Yes, I was staring."and I really was.

For the most part, his e-mails were really great, but then the next to last one said something about how he wasn't a prude in bed. It sorta related; it sorta didn't. But it definitely set off my "uh, oh" alarms.

I playfully questioned him about it and he responded, "*chuckle* Oh well... just another sex-crazed gay boy in the world. :) Seriously, tho..." I'm not sure what exactly that means, but I guess I'll find out on our date Friday night. Yeah, that's right... on our date!

Through the course of our e-mailings, I mentioned how I'd like to meet him and he said he'd like to meet me back. We eventually agreed to meet Friday night to see a movie or something, --I get to decide.-- and to then go to a dance at Harvard Law school. I'm pretty excited. It's been quite a while since I've had a date-date.

Speaking of Harvard, I got e-mail today from a guy, Chuck, who said that he, too, moved from Kentucky to go to college in Boston. He even said he knew this girl, Tracey, who went to the same high school as I did. I think it would be interesting to meet him sometime and see exactly how much our lives relate.

In other news, I spent a lot of time re-working these pages for the grand opening of the New Justin's Koool Page. If all goes as I pray it does, it will be online by the end of this month.

And finally, Larry confirmed my reservations to fly to California for Thanksgiving. I've never been west of St. Louis, so I'm pretty excited... at the whole trip... even the movie on the plane. (I've never seen one before.)

Okay, I'm not making much sense, so I'm heading to bed...

November 9, 1995


Well, last night as I uploaded that last entry, I mailed "Brian" to see if he cared if I quoted a couple of lines from his e-mail. This morning, he responded saying that he wouldn't sue me, but then wrote two huge paragraphs explaining why he'd rather I didn't. And as much as I'd like it to work, I know it won't. The private/public thing is just too much of an issue. I am public; It's who I am. The core of my existence right now is Justin of Justin's Koool Page. I really wish it would have worked out, but if there are spikes in the road, I know I better stop before I get to them.

Here's the letter I wrote him:

This doesn't seem to be working after all.
This public/private thing just isn't going to work. Being public and completely open is an essential part of who I am. And being private is an essential part of who you are.
You don't know how hard I've tried to make it work: You're the near perfect specimen of a red head from what I've seen online. You're cute, smart, etc. but I can't force myself to constantly wonder, "Can I put this online? Can I say this? Can I even tell my friends?" My life's an open book and as much as I'd like to have you as a part of it, I know things aren't going to work. I had a major time just calling you Brian.
So, without dragging this on any longer, since we've already covered this many times, I'm sorry, but there's just no way this is going to work out. I hold you know[sic] ill will, but I must cancel our date.

-Take care,

12:55AM Technically November 10, 1995

Well, he wrote back and said that he, too, was sorry that things didn't work out, but it seemed as though he was trying to blame the fault all on me. I think the fault was equally his, but I don't feel like arguing about it. All I know for sure is that I spent most of today moping around about things not working out between us.

In other news, I tried calling Wayne tonight, but no one answered. At least, I know that he is okay with me writing about him online. In response my saying that he sounded queeny he wrote back, "P.S. I read about my questionable royal status on the net, and you've had it buster!! (said with mischievous twinkle in eye)" so that's koool. He's passed the first test.

Also, I was going to call Ray, a red headed 27 year old in New York City, but I thought it would be too late since his e-mail indicated that he was a professional type. Oh well, perhaps tomorrow.

Also, just a little sidenote, I talked with Larry tonight and he said that he saw the AT&T long distance commerical with the red headed soccer player representing Scotland. He said that he could definitely see why I was so fascinated.

One other side note, today when I was all depressed about things between "Brian" and myself, I called Rob and he was right there to make sure I was doing okay. He's a great guy and I won't forget it.

November 11, 1995


If my life truly is like Melrose Place, the new season must be almost here. I fear the cast will be changing and the controversy rising.

A couple days ago, I mentioned that I got e-mail from Chuck, a closeted gay guy who went to Harvard and who also came from Kentucky. In a subsequent e-mail, I came to find out that he knew Tracey, a high school friend of mine who also goes to Harvard. Seeing that he wasn't out and knowing with 99.9% accuracy how Tracey would take it, I e-mailed her and told her that Chuck was gay. I felt it was the push he needed and the reaction would be certain. (Some of you may not agree, and I usually don't "out" people, but I've known Tracey for years.)

Anyway, yesterday, Tracey mailed back and said, among other things, "... very glad that you e-mailed me. Chuck, however, is not." She didn't explain any further, so I e-mailed Chuck to get more details. He said that he was "irked" but not mad. He then issued a talk request and we took it from there. He later came to say that he was actually glad that I'd e-mailed Tracey, that she didn't change "AT ALL!"

Eventually, I asked him if he'd like to meet. He said okay and then Rob paged me. I told him I'd come back online in a few minutes (since I only have one phone line) and we'd get the details of getting together.

I hung up and called Rob to explain how I was going to meet Chuck and to ask him if he wanted to come along. He said okay. He wasn't excited at the idea, but he didn't act like he didn't want to go, either.

I got back online and asked Chuck if he wanted to meet at the International House of Pancakes near Kenmore Square, near BU. He said okay, but wanted directions, so I drew him a map and e-mailed it his way. Before we got offline, I explained that I'd be wearing a bright plaid shirt with a gray shirt underneath and he told me he'd be wearing a navy shirt with tan and maroon stripes in the middle and a tan baseball cap. Rob arrived downstairs and off we went.

I must admit, I was expecting another nerd. Chuck had told me that he was on Jeopardy! in January and won $5000. Combining that with his going to Harvard, I thought there was little chance of non-nerd status.

As Rob and I neared the I.H.O.P., I saw a guy with a navy shirt and a tan cap walking towards us. I smiled and kept smiling for the next fifteen minutes. He was nothing like I'd anticipated. He was cute and had dimples. He had a boyish face and the Kentucky accent which I've lost. And then the diner scene from Threesome began. As Eddy would have said, "Before long, Chuck and I were wrapped in conversation, and Rob... was not."

And believe me, we tried to get Rob to talk, but it was Rob's and my meeting with Larry all over again. Rob would respond with a few words, but he wouldn't volunteer anything. In all honesty, though, I'm sure Rob must have felt a little alienated. While we did try to involve him in conversation, there were a lot of "insider" things purely because Chuck and I were both from Kentucky. An occassional word, saying, or place had special meaning for each of us, but none for Rob. When I realized this was happening, I tried to explain the significance, but as I'm sure you guys know, when two people are talking on one level and you're on another, no matter how much they try to include you, it just doesn't work.

So, as the night progressed, Chuck and I became closer, while Rob became more distanced. When we finished eating, we had no where to go and so we decided just to walk. I was in the middle and for the most part, Chuck and I talked while Rob walked beside us. We eventually returned to Kenmore Square and I said I was going to walk back towards Northeastern so that I could drop Rob off. It was apparent that he wasn't having fun and since I had asked him to come along, I didn't want to force him to be there any more than I had to. So we walked back and at the point where you go one way to my apartment and the other to Rob's, Rob went towards his and Chuck and I went towards mine.

At this point, I wondered about myself and about Chuck. I was taking him to my apartment and I'd only known him for a few hours. "Is he comfortable with this? There aren't that many people out this way? Does he think I might kill/rape him but is too shy to voice his concerns?" I tried to ask him some of those questions before we started walking again. I wasn't afraid of him, but I was the first guy he'd ever told that he was gay. I would have been apprehensive about our meeting, period. He didn't seem to be nervous at all, but trying to calm his nerves if he had them, I told him that he could hold my driver's license until he left. What actual good that would have done him if I'd tried to kill him, I don't know... but it was symbolic more than practical.

We soon made it back to my apartment and I left the door open figuring that if he was comfortable being here, he would close it and sit down and if he wasn't comfortable, he'd leave his jacket on and leave the door open. When I got back from the bathroom, the door was open but he wasn't standing near it as to indicate he wanted to leave. I said something about shutting the door, but I realized that he lived in a door where doors were usually open. So I shut the door, leaving it touching the frame, but not actually shut. A few minutes later, I shut it completely and locked it. The thought of someone coming in whether by accident or on purpose was just driving me insane.

Once the door issue was out of the way, I showed Chuck part of the new koool page and played him some of my C.D.'s. Before I knew it, he'd slid his chair pretty close to mine at the computer. So as I was talking to him, I put my hand was on his knee.

He jumped slightly, but I left it there. A few seconds later, I asked him about it and said something like, "If you want, I can take my hand away." He very loudly and very quickly said, "No!"

As we listened to the music and talked, I noticed that his hand got close to mine, but he would then pull it away. He was like a little kid who wanted candy but was afraid he would get in trouble if he took it. I soon told him that it was okay and we held hands for a good while.

As the night progressed further, so did we. We were sitting in the floor Indian style holding hands and then we hugged. We hugged tight, then loosely, talking for a bit to the other's shoulder and then pulling back to see the others face. And each time when I pulled back to see his face, I could see that he was looking at my lips as to see if they were curling up to kiss him. For several repetitions, we did that. Then we put our foreheads together and rubbed noses. Once again, I could see that he was looking at my lips and that his lips would curl then quickly stop. Once again, he was the little kid in the candy store, and once again, I commented on it then told him it was okay. We kissed, paused, then kissed again.

I knew he'd kissed a girl before so that sensation wasn't completely different to him, but I also knew I was the first guy he'd kissed so I was expecting some nervousness. He had none.

As our kissing got more intense, his tongue got more determined. Apparently, his kissing experience with girls, although limited, hadn't taught him much. It was as if he were trying to poke me with his tongue and move it back and forth as quickly as possible. I told him to slow down and be softer. He followed instructions well.

And so we hugged and kissed and hugged and kissed. Before I knew it, it was a little after 6AM. I fell back and pulled him on top of me, and we kissed some more. A little later, he asked if I was sleepy and if he should go, I told him that I was sleepy but that he didn't have to go. If we fell asleep in the floor together (fully clothed, by the way) it wouldn't be any big deal, and we did just that.

At around 9:30AM, I woke and he woke soon after. I drew him a map back to the Hynes T stop, a place with which he was familiar, and he left.

I've yet to tell Rob what happened, but I will before I upload this.

November 12, 1995


Yes, sir, the new season of Justin's Life... has arrived.

Yesterday, I e-mailed Rob and told him of what happened with Chuck the night before. I waited a while and then tried to call, but no one answered. Eventually, I got through, but he had company and couldn't talk.

In the meantime, at a little after 5PM, I e-mailed Chuck asking if he made it home. At 5:28PM he mailed back to say that he was fine and had slept the entire day. We "talk"ed for a bit then he had to run to the dining hall.

A while later, I called him and asked if he'd like to go see a movie. It was already 9:20PM so I knew the only thing still playing would be Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. He said sure, so I called and found out that it started at 11PM. I relayed the information, got his okay, then called MovieFone® to order the tickets. Chuck said he would meet me here at my apartment and he got offline.

Not being absolutely sure that he could remember my address, let alone my apartment number, I got a little worried when it was nearing 10:15PM and I hadn't seen him yet. I went downstairs and put a post-it that said "Justin" next to my apartment number then came back upstairs. A few minutes later, there was a knock at my door.

We walked to Copley Place and I got the tickets from the machine. Chuck was amazed. In Kentucky, there's nothing like MovieFone or pre-paid tickets. I thought it was sweet that he was excited by the idea of an ATM-like ticket machine, but I'm sure I was the same way the first time I saw it.

We went inside and on into the theatre. It was packed and people were standing in the rows. There was absolutely no way I was going to pay $16.00 so that Chuck and I could stand and watch a movie. Plus, it looked like way too many tickets were sold. I told Chuck that I was going to complain and we walked back into the lobby. We then saw that two additional theatres had opened to show Ace Ventura. We went into one that was near empty, sat down, and he went to go buy the concessions.

By the time he got back, this new theatre was packed. He squeezed back through the row, I moved his coat, and he sat down. He applogized for forgetting the straws, but I told him not to worry and thanked him with a nuzzle on his arm.

By the time the movie had gotten half way through, we had stopped eating the popcorn and our drinks were in the floor. I carefully put my hand on my leg and then grabbed two of his fingers. He grabbed mine back and we held them until the end of the movie.

Afterwards, I suggested that we got to the grocery to pick up some cookies, but a walk through the Pru only found us at a closed Star Market. And so, we walked back towards my apartment in the rain.

When we were walking under the roof of the Chuch of Christ, Scientist building, we saw a straight couple leaning against a pillar as if they were having a romantic moment. I don't remember exactly what I said to Chuck, but I somehow indicated that I, too, had someone to hold and I put my arm around him. We walked for a bit like that, then I moved down and grabbed his hand. We were both a little nervous, but we held hands all the way back to my apartment, several blocks away.

Once we got here, we talked for a bit, checked e-mail, and hung out... then the phone rang. It was Rob asking how my day went. I asked him the same and we talked for a while before hanging up. I didn't let him know that Chuck was here the same as I don't let Larry know that Rob's here. (While I don't want whomever is here to be ignored, I also don't want whomever is on the phone to be rushed.) Anyway, I talked to Rob and then we hung up.

Before I knew it, Chuck and I were kissing again and we once again ended up in the floor. Soon, we ended up shirtless with our chests pressing together. Chuck said something about me being sleepy and then said that the floor was rough. Realizing this was my cue that he'd rather sleep in the bed, I said okay, told/requested him to put his shirt back on, and we moved into the bedroom. I asked him if he wanted to sleep above or beneath the covers and he said that it didn't matter. I said okay and we randomly decided to sleep under the covers... in our clothes. He slept with his head pressed against my shoulder.

This morning, I woke around 10AM to find him staring out the window. He told me that I slept too much then came back to the bed. We hugged, kissed, and flirted until a little after noon when he said that he really had to go back to Harvard to finish homework. We've since talked via e-mail and the "talk" command.

In worse news, Rob isn't taking this too well at all. I responded to his e-mail the following letter:

---excerpted and edited/reduced for online use---
... the fear of losing you (with that whole discussion about red heads (where I had to hide your shoe to keep you from leaving my apartment)) combined with the fact that I met someone new who you were treating badly, made me cling on to him. He was interested in me and as of late, all I've been able to think in regards to you is, "Is today the last day that Rob is going to talk to me?" I feel as though I'm walking on pins, and one wrong move is going to result in your saying "good-bye" forever. Chuck respresented something new, something exciting, and something cute. Not knowing if you'd be around for much longer, Chuck was an opportunity to make a new friend... If you disappeared and I had to sit at home alone staring at this computer, I'd go insane. You were the only REAL friend I had.

Yeah, there are a lot of similarities between the first night I met you and the first night I met Chuck. And yes, part of the reason that I kissed Chuck was the same as part of the reason that I kissed you. I admit, the idea of going "Where no man has gone before" has a huge appeal for me.

I think that the speed at which things happened is because there's a certain inherent intimacy already built between me and the people I meet who've read my diary. Just as people feel an intimacy between themselves and the characters of Star Trek, so do they feel an intimacy between themselves and me. If Patrick Stewart walked into your apartment, you would feel like you knew him even though he knew absolutely nothing about you. Take that feeling and double it. People only know Patrick Stewart by the parts he plays, but people know me for my true self. The intimacy is already there. It was for you and it was for Chuck.

My point being, as far as other people (yourself included) are concerned, when meeting me, it's not like meeting Joe Schmoe at a bar, and thus things move at a faster pace. A lot of time isn't spent laying the groundwork. They already know me and the people in my life. I assume that I mirror that feeling in that since they seem so close to me, I feel close to them.

So, take the situation of outing yourself for the first time to someone, finding that someone cute, and already "knowing" that person very well.

Yes, I do want to show Chuck the ropes as far as gay things are concerned. I can relate EXTREMELY well to him because we're both smart gay guys from Kentucky. Kentucky's a world all it's own. Imagine if you were Austalian and came to Boston, and then you met another Australian guy who came to Boston for the same reasons. Even though the two of you never met before, there's a bond. Take that and combine it with the intimacy thing I talked about above and you've got one HUGE force to deal with.

I want you to be happy. I want you to go after your current circumstances if you so desire. If you want to date Mack, do it. But don't cut me off at the same time. Sure, our relationship has to be modified a little, but (in my mind) you've been giving me an "all or nothing" choice. I can't give all, but I don't want nothing.

I relayed your concerns to Chuck and told him that I was going to continue looking for that red head. He said he understood. I reiterated and said that I wanted to make absolutely sure that he knew what I was saying. He said he did and told me to stop worrying. Whether that was the deal with you and me all over again or whether he really understood, I don't know. He did _seem_ to understand, saying that he realized that I needed to go after my dreams, but who knows.

I do want you in my life. I do love you... but I do want to keep looking for that red headed guy of my dreams and I do want to keep on seeing Chuck. I definitely need more than one gay friend here in Boston. It's sorta like best friends but more intense. When two best friends are "unattached", they hang out together practically non-stop. When one of them gets a boyfriend, they still hang out but the boyfriend becomes the one's new center of attention. That's the way I view my relationship with you... and with Chuck. You're my best friend and I can tell he's going to be a close friend, but whenever that red headed knight of my dreams comes along, both of you will change roles and my new center of attention will be that red head. We'll still be close, but differently.



I've since talked to Rob on the phone and he's decided that he needs to spend some time away from me...

4:10AM Technically November 13, 1995

Seeing as how Rob didn't handle the whole "I'm still looking for a red head" situation very well, I wanted to make absolutely sure that Chuck knew my intentions. I sent e-mail saying: I just got off the phone from Rob and he's decided that he needs to spend some time away from me. I knew it was coming, but there was no way to prevent it. He wanted me to give up looking for my red headed and to be his one and only. I couldn't do that... and that's another reason I'm writing you now. I don't want to see that happen to you. I want to know you know with absolute certainty that while I like hanging around you and had a really nice time last night, I am still going to keep looking for that red head. Do you understand? (picture cop reading miranda rights *grin*)

We then "talk"ed and he said that he hadn't gotten it. He checked his e-mail while I waited then said "I UNDERSTND!" I told him to write it in e-mail so that I could forward it back to him (later, when he would have forgotten that I'd told him). A few hours later, he sent this:
Subject: the contract signed in virtual blood
To: koool@pobox.com

Whereas one Justin Clay Clouse has informed me of his intent
to continue his search for the Red-Headed Knight, and has declared 
his intent to let nothing impede that search, I hereby release 
aforementioned of any and all responsibility for my emotional and 
mental well-being and hereby release myself from any and 
all emotional attachment to aforementioned in the event of a decision 
to cease romantic relations between two said parties.

Charles ###### ########
So, Chuck seems to understand and isn't taking things too seriously in regards to it, either. I'm happy.

Speaking of red heads, Wayne: I haven't been able to talk to him one on one yet. Ray: Is away on business but sent e-mail tonight. he gave me a number to call him tomorrow night. Greg: has an e-mail in my "Reply To These" box but I've just been too busy to get to it yet, and Steve: hasn't yet responded to my last e-mail.

Time for me to sleep...

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