Justin's Life... November, 1995

My life... November, 1995

November 13, 1995


CVS lost my pictures!!!

Okay, so I took two rolls of pictures trying to get some that looked good enough for the new JKP and for a youth.org profile that'll be coming up in December. Anyway, I dropped the film off on Wednesday and selected the "Photos on Disk" option which added an extra day to the processing, but which simplified my life by not having to scan the photos.

On Saturday, I went to pick up the pictures, but only one roll was there. Figuring that CVS was lax in their return time, I didn't worry. I thought for sure they'd be back today... but they weren't. The store doesn't even have a log of them being dropped off and when they called Konica, the phone rep. said that none with that serial number had been processed. ARGHHH!!! I know I dropped them off down in the slot. I'm pretty anal retentive about stuff like that, and I have the receipt. It's sequential to the photos that I got back and the ones that were logged. So now I'll spend a big chunk of the day reshooting, running to the 1 hour place, scanning the good ones, and forwarding them to Jeff at youth.org. What fun!


Okay, I once again changed my clothes seven or eight times and took the roll of film. I then dropped it off at Symphony Photo, where I was told I would be able to pick up at 5PM.

2:46AM Technically November 14, 1995

Well, things turned out okay after all. I got the pictures back and they turned out really nicely. The one roll that did come back from CVS was pretty unusable. --I'd failed to realize that the red-eye reduction light causes me to squint: My eyes were closed or near shut in over half the pictures.

Anyway, I spent a big chunk of time digitizing the pictures, but that's done.

In more monumental news, tonight I got e-mail from Rob in response to the one I sent the other day. I started responding to it like this:


>I wasn't suggesting I'd never see you again!

        That's what I heard and in my life, it's been a common theme. 
First with Jarrod, then with Chris, and finally with Adam. Jarrod 
completely stopped talking to me one day without a believable 
explanation and we didn't talk again for nearly two years. Chris 
quit talking to me one day after returning from a trip to his 
grandmother's. He said that he had time to think there and 
realized that he needed for us to separate. He, too, didn't talk to
me until earlier this summer. Adam couldn't handle the fact that 
I wasn't in love with him and thus, he completely cut me off. I 
wanted to be his friend, but he wouldn't let me... and he still 
won't talk to me or about me with his current boyfriend. Using 
inductive reasoning, I assumed you'd be the same, especially 
seeing the huge parallel between you and Adam.

>You are/were my best friend, and of course I wanted to continue 
>to hang out with you -- I wouldn't have gone with you to meet 
>Chuck if I didn't.
        I honestly had no idea why you went with me.

>I don't understand why you thought I was treating Chuck 
>"badly". It's true I wasn't very talkative, but this was a natural
>consequence of the fact that the two of you had so much in 
>common, and you were excited and able to talk with him 
>about things typical for Freshmen. I wasn't completely mute, 
>if you recall. And I was honest when I told Chuck I was glad 
>to meet him. I have nothing against Chuck, ironically even now.
        No, you weren't brooding during our meal at IHOP, but you 
were far from social. It was as if you were Jeff, really hating 
the situation but having the manners not to let it show too much. 
It was just like the deal with Larry all over again. You had no
reason not to like Chuck. The only possibility was that I was
paying him attention. You say you held him no ill will, but 
for both myself and for Chuck, it was as though you were 
not happy to be around him. And since you didn't voice 
your interest, the body language of disinterest won out.

>I never suggested to you that I would stop talking to 
>you, or say "good-bye" forever. 
        Yes, but I heard Adam, Chris, and Jarrod all over again. 
I got scared. I hate being alone. I hate having you as my only 
friend. When I thought I was going to lose that and there was 
a koool guy right there waiting, you better believe I jumped 
at the chance.

>What exactly was it about me you desperately 
>didn't want to lose?
       I thought I was going to lose you, period. Chuck wasn't 
the end-all be-all of this. Chuck was just the proverbial 
straw that I thought would break your back. My life's gone 
haywire. Everything I ever thought I could depend on has 
let me down in some way or form. Jarrod, Adam, Chris, my 
parents not being able to fill the financial support roles 
they'd filled since childhood, school, etc. You name it, it's 
happened to me as of late. EVERYTHING I ever 
depended on has gone sour in some way. Why should 
you be any different? I'm jumping from cloud to cloud, but 
my faith is falling. I thought you were my stability, but then 
you killed the RJ Venture thing. You let me down in a major 
way. My one stability point failed, MAJORLY. Even he was 

and then as I was writing that last sentence, the phone rang. It was Rob returning my message that I'd left earlier on his nswering service.

I told him that I was in the middle of replying to his letter, so I'd just read it to him, and I began. By the time I'd finished the second paragraph, I started crying. I explained how I'd not even thought about him since he told me he needed some time alone, that I'd focused completely on Chuck to avoid any thoughts of him. We talked for a long while. He once again told me that he was wanting a red head to fill the role he left vacant. I told him that I didn't ask him to vacate that role, so he couldn't be mad if I chose a non-red head as his "replacement." He told me that I was confused, that he never intended to stop being my friend. Long story short, we're almost back to normal again.

As far as I see it, here are how things are currently:

  1. Rob's my best friend.
  2. Chuck's my romantic interest.
  3. I'm still looking for that red head of my dreams.
  4. Both Chuck and Rob are aware of #1, #2 and #3.

Who knows how long things will stay this way?

November 14, 1995


Did you ever have that feeling like you did something you know you shouldn't have, but you don't regret it and know that if you had it to do over again, you'd still do the same thing? That's the way I feel now.

Chuck came over tonight at around 8PM. One thing led to another and before we knew it, I was sitting on his lap facing him. A few minutes later, our shirts were off. A bit after that, our hands went exploring. Pretty soon, both of our jeans were wet and not from the rain outside. I stopped things and we got up. A few seconds later, though, we were hugging and dancing to Reba. Our hands went exploring again and I said it was pointless to pretend that something wasn't going to happen. After a couple of minutes of trying to decide whether we should continue or stop, the former won out. I got two condoms out, we got on the bed, finished taking our clothes off and proceeded to... ( you fill it in ). And now I'm having mixed feelings about it. I don't regret it, but I'm starting to wonder what type of person I'm becoming.

The "Justin" I used to be made Adam have an HIV test before we did anything. I never would have kissed on the first date... but now... move over Mrs. Robinson.

Well, I'm not going to brood about it. I don't have the time or the energy. Rob's on his way over and he knows everything that happened. Who knows... a menage á trois could be imminent.

November 15, 1995


Well, from today's e-mail response, I think I may have given the wrong impression about just how far Chuck and I went last night. The long and the short of it is: my hands aren't virgins, but every other part of me is.

Emotionally, I haven't thought much about it since I wrote that. Rob was on the way over and when he got here, we talked about it a little but he didn't act like it was a big deal. He even had me show him the way I kissed Chuck, which I thought was very wierd, but I showed him anyway and laughed the whole time. All yesterday, I was having the feeling, "This isn't me." Especially after Rob came over. This was stuff that happened on TV. Two guys in one day. So I haven't a clue as to what's going to happen now. I think the safest thing would be to lock myself here in my apartment until I fly out to California on Monday.

In Net News, I'm working frantically on the new Justin's Koool Page and it will be online by the end of this month. Expect some major changes and some major additions.


I just sent the following letter to Chuck and Rob:

Rob and Chuck,

This e-mail is to serve as official notice that I'm staying away from both of you for a few days. I need some time to myself to think about the person who I've become. I don't like him. In fact, I rather hate him. I know if he continues to take over, I might never be able to stop him. *crying*

Why aren't things the way they used to be? Where is that guy who was the "mother hen" of the bunch? How in the hell did this guy who'd let two guys "have" him in the same day come into existence? I have to do some serious soul searching. I'm not being true to myself and holding out for my Mr. Red Headed Right. I've got to decide what I want and I need some time alone to do that.

Hope you understand...


Larry just called to ask me which person at BU wanted me to come back to school, meaning Dr. Root. I first asked him why, but he wouldn't say. So I told him her name anyway and gave him the phone number of the BU switchboard. He asked/said, "When's your next semester start? January? It's too late to go back for that." and I told him "I don't want to go back... yet." I have no idea what he's planning.

November 18, 1995

8:03AM Technically November 20, 1995

Well, I took a few days off from human interaction and it did me good. During that time, I worked on the new JKP desperately trying to get it done before I fly out to California... I succeeded, but I should also note that it's 8AM and I still haven't gone to sleep. Is that dedication or what?

Anyway, like I said, I took some time off from everything and sorta thought and sorta didn't. Like I also said, I was busy working on the Koool Page, so it wasn't like I was moping around trying to figure out where my life was going.

Anyway, --I can tell my lack of sleep is showing. -- I told both Chuck and Rob that I've decided I need to rewind the relationship with Chuck a bit. I can't go on the way we were. I don't even know how I want to go on. All I do know is that I want both Rob and Chuck in my life and I'm going to keep going after that red head. Surely somehow all that can fit together.

Speaking of red heads, I got e-mail from a red headed guy here in Boston, but he hasn't yet responded back to my reply. That was Friday night.

Okay, I'm heading to bed now...

November 19, 1995

1:07AM Technically November 20, 1995

Well, I woke up today at around 1PM in anticipation of Mack's arrival at 3PM. I got dressed, cleaned the place up a bit, then Rob called. At around 2:30PM, we met at the Symphony T stop then headed towards the airport.

At the Park Street station, I suggested Rob take Mack some flowers since Mack is attracted to him and to a slighter degree, I think Rob is attracted back. --I've tried discussing the whole deal, but Rob clams up.-- Anyway, Rob said that he'd thought about taking Mack some flowers, but didn't know where to get any. I pointed to the flower stand about ten feet away.

At the airport, Rob and I went to Gate 15 after seeing it as the arrival location for Mack's flight. Rob soon realized that there were no arrivals where we were waiting and asked a gate agent for assistance.

We found the correct waiting location and soon met Mack fact to face. This guy, who was darker complected and taller than I'd anticipated, gave us both a hug then a card. Rob gave him the flowers, and we were on our way back to Rob's apartment.

On the T back, I was being in typical talk-til-you're-blue-in-the-face-when-meeting-a-stranger mode. Things were going okay, but not good... and then I stuck my foot in my mouth big time. I grabbed Mack's luggage tag, as to see his phone number, then said something to the effect of "I'm going to call your mother." This is a typical line of mine that I use with Rob all the time... to say that he's doing something that he shouldn't and I'm going to tell his mother. Mack replied back, "You know my mother's dead. She died a year ago tonight at 3:##AM." Talk about feeling bad. I could have crawled in a hole and hidden for a week... and for the rest of the night, the subject of death plagued us... In everything from "The Chimney Song" which I played on my Twisted Christmas CD (It talks about Santa being stuck dead in the chimney.) to the part about Batman's parents dying in Batman Forever. The whole thing would have been bad on any day, but on the first anniversary of his mother's death...

But even before that, no matter what I said, Mack would come back and make me qualify it. If I would have said something as factual as "The sky is blue," he would have answered with something like, "But why is it blue?" This was especially true when I was saying something about Rob. Another typical meeting-a-stranger thing about me is when I meet a new person, I usually play antagonize with the person I already know: It lightens the mood and breaks the ice. But since Mack was infatuated with Rob, this did not work. Everything I said about Rob had to be qualified. I eventually had to get visibly ticked and say something about it before Mack stopped.

Anyway, after staying at Rob's apartment for a bit, we headed out for dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe. After we'd perused the menus for a bit, the waiter came to the table and it was obvious who was going to get the best service... Rob. For the rest of the meal, he was getting nearly all the waiter's eye contact and perks such as a brand new jar of Grey Poupon. I honestly was very happy for him.

Once the meal was over, we headed to my apartment, to the video store, and then to Rob's. Batman Forever and The Brady Bunch Movie later, I came back to my apartment and started writing this.

While I was writing, though, Rob called to let me know that he was going to miss me while I'm in California and to say that Mack had wished things had gone better between us. I mean, things weren't bad, but things weren't good. The whole deal reminded me of when I'm with my grandmother. No matter what I say, it's somehow wrong. I usually have to point out that I'm being unfairly criticized and she appologizes then tells me that she loves me. I know she loves me, and I know Mack cares for my well being, but it's hard to think of that when you can't say anything right. So, as you can tell, tonight wasn't the best.

In better news, tomorrow I leave for California. I'm really excited and I still need to pack. I wish I could have seen Chuck before I leave, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I'll still be online in California, so at least I can keep in touch via e-mail.

2:48AM Technically November 20, 1995

P.S. Patrick, that red headed guy in Boston, replied to my e-mail and he still seems interested in me. Now I just wonder what he looks like???

November 20, 1995


Well, I'm now cruising at a soon to be altitude of 39,000 feet.

Things so far today have been pretty good. Mack was much better about the qualifying thing, although he was noticibly grouchy near my leaving. I think the mush factor between Rob and myself was more than he could stand. I'm pretty amazed Rob nor I cried at the airport. We almost cried several times when we were just talking about my leaving. I love him and the thought of being without him (even for a week) made me realize how much.

In anticipation of my trip, I bought Ellen DeGeneres' new autobiography. The one and only time I read is when I'm stranded on a plane, but I just rented some headphones to watch the in-flight movie, Something To Talk About. The book will have to wait... but only if they hurry up and start.


The book won out: The movie still hasn't started. They're still passing out refreshments. Rather, I should say, they're still stingily distributing the refreshments. $4.00 to rent a set of headphones -- and you can't even use your own. I know because the guy next to me was just listening to his cassette player when the flight attendent vehemently told him that he couldn't use them to watch the movie. My point, though, was that for $400+ dollars, you would think that American Airlines could spare a whole can of coke and a couple of bags of peanuts. Delta can.


The food cart! It's amazing how the littlest things can be exciting when you're in a little enclosed space for six hours. I can smell it... reminds me of those tasteless TV dinners that I have to eat with twenty clubs crackers.


Well, I was reading a chapter of Ellen's book about airline travel when the food cart arrived. I'd experienced nearly everything she said except one part about salad dressing ending up on the person next to you Not thinking too much about it, I began eating my Carribean Chicken... and then I opened the dressing. It splattered all over my face I'm only 50 something pages into the book, but I can tell I'm definitely going to finish it.


I just got back from my first toilet on a plane. (It was too small to be a restroom.) I thought I was going to get sucked out when I flushed. Surely it doesn't just fly out the side of the plane; but for what other reason could the wind and noise have started?


Well, I can see why Rob and Larry couldn't understand why I was so excited about my first in-flight movie. This sucks. The $4 headphones are those big, cheap ones and against the roar of the plane, they leave the movie unintelligible. That's not mentioning the bad color of the TV or the dialogue editing. This gosh-darn, son of a gun in-flight movie deal is ridiculous. Back to Ellen.


Usually I'm pretty kid friendly but there's a family on the plane that needs to take a course in how to behave in public. The kids have run up and down the aisle the entire time and cried/screamed on more than a couple occasions. Right now, the youngest boy of the two is screaming at the top of his lungs because the seat belt light is lit and his mother finally made him sit down... ARGHHH!!


The plane's starting to shake. The seatbelt light is still on and I'm starting to get a little queasy from reading while shaking.


Page 119. The book has started to lose my interest. I know I just turned to the end to see how many more pages are left.


Well, apparently it's the duration of the trip and not the book. I tried to read the magazine I picked up at the airport, but it didn't keep my interest either. Perhaps Reba will help.


I just mumbled a few words of this song then realized, "You're on a plane with people a foot away." I immediately shut up. I think I'll try to take a nap. I know I'll fail

P.S. I'm sure it's technically 8:30PM or even 7:30PM now.

7:30PM MDT (Probably)

Using the very accurate "we're 2/3rds the way there, finger distance approximation" method, I think we're either over Colorado or Utah, the homes of Mack and Sean... I have no idea what ever happened to him.


My flight got in five minutes early at 8:40PM and Larry wasn't at the gate. I called Rob and Mom and have paged him.


I'm growing more frustrated by the minute and I know somehow Larry's going to turn this around so that it's my fault that he didn't meet me. A luggage agent saw me standing with a lost look on my face and asked if my name was Clouse. I said yes and he said that a "Larry" someone was looking for me and he had a cellular phone with him. The agent then directed me to the paging system where I had the operator page Larry. But it's now 9:27PM AND HE'S NOT HERE. The agent said that Larry couldn't remember my flight # but I didn't think I'd have to tell him since he was the one who made the reservations. Anyway, I'm roasting here in my leather jacket and Larry's cell phone is repeatedly busy.

I jokingly told Larry that if he wasn't here when I arrived, I was going back to Boston on the next flight. I just may be... okay, I won't but I'm not in a good mood.

November 21, 1995

12:37AM Technically November 22, 1995

Larry found me... He said that he thought I was on American Airline's flight 109 but he wasn't sure. He said that he'd asked the luggage agent to check in the computer but was told that I wasn't on the plane. Who knows. I'm still giving him a hard time about it.

Anyway, we soon arrived at Larry's Mercedes station wagon and I put my luggage in the back.

We then started driving down the very wide highways and Larry told me that we were going to Boston Market to pick up some chicken for his dog Ralph. Thinking he was surely lying, I simply went along and told him about my flight... but then we arrived at Boston Market. They, however, were closed.

Larry got back in the car and said that we had to get chicken for Ralph. I continually remarked how his dog was way too spoiled while we hunted for a KFC... it, too, was closed.

Saying that he'd promised Ralph chicken, Larry then called information to find the nearest El Poco Loco (or something like that). A few minutes later, we picked up some chicken through the drive-thru and were back on our way.

I soon found out that we weren't going home just yet, but were instead going to Larry's boyfriend's, Rich's.

Larry parked the car and told me to take my briefcase inside with me. I doubted anyone would want it, but followed his suggestion anyway.

Wait, let me backtrack Larry met this guy Rich a little while ago. No one knew Rich's true sexual orientation until Larry. Larry had since become totally ga-ga over Rich. Larry had told me that Rich was pretty shy and what I would call a computer geek.

So as we're nearing the door, Larry remarks how I'll be the second person to know that Rich is gay and I'm preparing myself to meet some total nerd who'll only say about five words. The door opens and...

A totally normal guy was standing there. He was short, about 5'9" and cute... nothing like I'd expected.

After I said hello and entered the apartment, he handed me three yellow carnations in a vase and a card that read "Welcome to California, Dude! Hope you have a righteous holiday here in LA. Look forward to spending time with you and (Larry)" That was really sweet. At first, I thought Larry had left the flowers for me there, but when I realized that they were from Rich, it was all the more touching.

Once we got inside and sat down, Larry also found a vased red rose for himself.

We started eating the chicken while I got to better know Rich. He gets the official "Koool" stamp of approval. He's short, not too thin or too heavy, has neat large lips, and steel blue eyes... and he seems to be as ga-ga over Larry as he is over him. I'm happy and jealous for/of them both.

After the quick meal, Rich had to go to work and thus, Larry and I headed homeward. He gave me a tour and the basic preliminaries and I went to sleep in an ultra koool guest room. (It's two levels, has huge glass windows, a glass brick shower, a living room of it's own and basically couldn't be koooler.)

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