Justin's Life, September 1-12, 1995

My life... September 1-12, 1995

September 1, 1995


Last night, at a little after 2AM, I was in my bed watching t.v.. I'd talked to Rob throughout the day and had finished our nightly chat whenever my phone rang. Assuming it was him, I answered the phone, "Hello" in a sort of cutesy voice. (Nothing major... just a more than normal friendly "Hello") I was then shocked not to hear his voice, but of someone who started talking about the Internet.

Two AM and someone was calling my home phone to talk about these pages?!? It threw me off a little, but having had some practice with the situation, I continued our conversation thinking that I'd talk to him for about five minutes then go back to bed. He, however, got a more complete conversation out of me by saying that his name was Sean. (A 5'10" red headed guy from Utah who has written me lately.)

He appologized for calling so late and basically just told me a little more about himself. It was a nice conversation and he wasn't too shabby in the flattery department either.

Around 3AM, though, I told him that I should be heading to bed and did so.


This morning, Mom had a friend of the family prescribe me some additional pain medication since my original prescription ran out. After I picked it up from the drug store, I went on to Hallmark and created a card for Rob concerning my return to Boston in 10 days. While I was there, I also picked up a card for Sean, who incidentally asked and received exactly the same explanation about "Rob and I" as you and Rob have received about "Rob and I" and who was an afterthought at Hallmark... I know you guys are all wondering.

Anyway, today I've been a little more active. I bought the cards, went to Lexington, and am now getting ready to go home. I'll be back in Boston in 235 hours!

September 2, 1995


Last night at around 11:30PM, Sean called again. We talked for over an hour and I must admit, I liked what I heard. I'm trying not to get too "into him" before I see his picture, but I'm not having much luck. As Rob told me when we talked afterwards, "You're thinking about him [Sean] a lot lately, aren't you?"

Speaking of Rob, I'm having a hard time judging him as far as Sean goes. I mean, I know he doesn't really welcome Sean's virtual presence in my life, but he hasn't said much about it. As I've told Rob, though, "Possession is 9/10th's the law." In other words, by merely being around me (in 9 days), he has a huge advantage over Sean who's in Utah.

In medical news, I thought I was past the worst of the pain from my wisdom teeth extraction: I was wrong. Last night I woke at 4AM and sat on the couch for over twenty minutes in near tears. I've since taken a lot of medication... but the pain is still here.

I'll be back in Boston in 216 hours!

September 3, 1995


Last night I think I solved my pain problem.

----Warning: The following paragraph is not for the squeamish:----
I decided I'd go exploring to find out exactly what was in those holes at the back of my mouth. A Q-tip revealed everything from small blood clots to puss to leftover food. I was expecting a maggot to come out any minute and almost threw up myself. After about ten minutes of cleaning, though, the pain stopped. I've been on a liquid and Jell-O diet ever since.

Today I worked on the JKP revisions, but I can't find the font I used in the Koool for the logo. Apparently, it got lost with the crash and I haven't re-installed it. I think it's on a CD at home, but I'm not sure. Either way, a new logo will grace the new pages.

Sean didn't call last night, but e-mailed to say that he would call soon. I missed his not calling... two days and it had already become part of my routine

I really wish there were something more exciting to write about... If this were a story I were writing to sell, I'd add more sex.... Maybe I should listen to myself.

Anyway, 188 hours to go... over and out!

September 5, 1995


This afternoon I went to Lexington to buy some boxes for my move back (in 140 hours!). After purchasing nearly ten dollar's worth, I left the store and got into my car. As I was leaving the parking lot, I pulled into the street where a lady blared on her horn for nearly five seconds. She didn't brake or swerve or even slow down. She just changed lanes in order to speed past me.

Not being one for undue acusations, I pressed the gas and caught up with her car. She was dodging in and out of the two lanes of traffic and I realized that I was being foolish. I slowed to the speed limit but kept her in view. For about two minutes I followed, then she got into the turn lane. As my car passed hers, I blared my horn and gave her the finger without looking in her direction... and it felt good. There is a little evil in me, ya know.

September 6, 1995


Well, I just finished applying for a personal loan over the phone for enough money to get back to Boston and cover my moving into an apartment. Since last night, when Dad told me that he was almost taking the bankruptcy law and didn't know how I was getting to Boston, I've practically stressed out. I debated on asking you guys for help, but decided not to grovel in front of the world.. but it seems that now I'm doing just that. Now I'm crying, that's great.

Life just keeps getting worse and I'm trapped. I know I can change the world if I just have a chance.


I'm on the phone waiting to hear a decision... arghh, the lady who answered the phone said, "The girl who was working it up has gone to lunch. She should be back in about 10 minutes if you want to call back then." So, I'll wait until around 1:45PM trying not to think about it.


No... I didn't get the loan. The man I talked to explained that I couldn't be approved because I was moving out of town. (I answered, "To get an apartment in Boston" whenever the lady asked, "Why do you need the money?" during the application process.) So I don't know what I'm going to do.


Well, Mom called another credit agency and they, too, said they couldn't loan me any money because I'm leaving... and thus, I created a page hoping one or more of you guys could help. My gut has been wrenching since I started working on it and if this wasn't my last possibility, I would never try to get a loan from someone online. Even now, as I type this, I'm still debating whether or not I should upload the page. I know I will, but I feel like crap having to ask for help. Sure, I can tell myself that I've helped other people, but that's the role I fill best. I want to be the helper and not the helpee. Oh, well, here it goes... and there goes most of my dignity... at least for the time being.

September 9, 1995


Well, I'm doing much better, both physically and mentally, from when I last wrote.

My page asking for help actually yielded some. I figured I'd get a few responses from people with suggestions, but none from actual people offering to help. I was wrong.

On Wednesday night, I received e-mail from Mack, a guy in Colorado who'd previously written, offering to loan me $1000 of his money; and letters from Larry, the guy in California who wants me to visit him, and Jefferson, a college student in Wisconsin who'd also previously written offering to loan me unspecified amounts.

I replied to them all and worked out a time to call Mack Thursday night.

I called and talked to him to further explain my situation and basically got to know him a little better. He was worried that I was talking to him just to get the money, but that wasn't the case. True, the loan offer initiated our conversation, but I kept on talking to him because I was enjoying the conversation. For the past week, Rob had been completely non-talkative. An "hmmm" or an "uh-huh" was about all he'd say and I was getting tired of it. When I asked him about his lack of words, he blamed it on final exams which was valid explanation, but which still didn't solve my need to talk.

Anyway, I talked to Mack for about an hour and then got something to eat.

A little while later, at around 12:30AM, I tried calling Sean but his roommate said he wasn't home. Thirty minutes after that, though, Sean called me and we talked until sometime after 3AM. I had and have had the best time talking to him. He flirts and listens. Both of which have been far too unfamiliar to me lately. Pretty much before Thursday, Rob was the only guy I was talking to on a regular basis, so when he was sleeping throughout the day and answering me with syllables, I felt pretty lonely. Plain and simple, it was a great night. My financial situation was looking up and Sean keeps "looking" better every day. ("looking" because I still haven't seen his picture.)

Friday came and Larry called me at the video store. I explained both my parents' and my financial situation in detail and then he said he would wire $1000 to my checking account. Once again, I was amazed. Earlier, he's tried to explain why he's taken such a liking to me, but it's still hard for me to understand why anyone would want to fly me to California without alterior motives. I mean, I don't doubt for a minute that his motives are pure, but it's still a hard concept to grasp. And speaking of going to California, I've decided that after I get settled in Boston, I'm going to go. No, I'm not just doing it to kiss up but rather because of a line Larry wrote to me: "the world is a collection of moments strung together. and then you die." That's so true and what possible harm could come from my going to see him. Ok, yes, I realize that some harm could come from it, but I trust him and I will visit.

In the meantime of talking to Mack and Larry, I e-mailed back and forth with Jefferson. While the basic reasoning behind their loan offers was that they all care about my welfare, Jefferson also wrote, "I just think that this world in general is extremely unfair, and it bothers me that life is often so hard on the people who are the least deserving of hardship." His nobility and belief that he can make the world a better place is refreshing.

So, by Friday night, I'd gotten $2200 worth of loan offers, so I asked my mom is she and Dad would give me $1000 and thus enough to get an apartment and get started. She said that she doubted they'd be able to give me any. Since I'd gotten the mail on Friday and seen checks totalling almost $4500 from Dad's customers, this was especially upsetting. I mean, I know that they have past due bills totalling much more than $4500, but still... I should have known, the video store has been supporting not only me but paying part of Mom and Dad's bills since the beginning of this year. If I had that money back, I wouldn't have to ask for anyone's help... but oh well, that's not going to happen.

This morning, Mack called to say that he'd received the contract I'd signed to repay him and which I'd sent via overnight mail. He talked to me a bit and also asked if I'd received any more offers of help. I told him no. After talking for about fifteen minutes, I resumed packing.

A couple of hours later, he called again to say that he'd talked to his dad and convinced him to loan him (Mack) $1000 which he would in turn loan to me. I was blown away. Mack had mentioned before that he'd asked his Dad for the entire $4000 to give to me, but his dad understandably said no. So I asked Mack if he was sure about it, that he was willing to not only loan me his money but to take a loan from his dad for me. Mack said yes and explained why. I once again asked him if he was sure of what he was doing and he once again said yes and explained why. It's hard for me to comprehend a guy that I've never met being this concerned about me. Heck, it's hard for me to comprehend a guy being that concerned about anyone, but I'm glad he exists.

In other news, last night my friend Sarah called to see if I was busy. Of course, I wasn't and thus, we went to see the 9:40PM showing of To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar in Lexington.

When I got to the counter, the lady said that it was nearing sold out and we might not be able to sit together. I definitely wasn't going to sit alone in a packed theatre, but I really wanted to see the movie, so I asked if I could get a refund if it was too crowded. She said yes and we got the tickets.

It only being 9:20PM, I asked if the movie was seating and she said yes. Sarah and I went inside to find a theatre that was far from crowded. It stayed far from crowded for about five minutes and then people started craming in. By the time the movie began, Sarah and I'd been asked scoot over and there wasn't a seat left in the theatre.

We watched the movie, which was really great... especially whenever you think that the drag queens are macho actors like Wesley Snipes and Patrick Swayze. Unlike Priscilla which it has been compared to many times, To Wong Foo kept its drag queens believable. In that, I mean Swayze, Snipes, and Leguizamo all looked like women. There were no outrageous costumes or plastic hair.

Anyway, after the movie, Sarah and I went to find the apartment of two fellow high school graduates. In an unusual twist of fate, we found it with no problems.

We went inside to find eight of our high school acquaintances (since I don't really consider them friends) watching The Three Amigos. Sarah seemed to be enjoying herself, so I let her be while I talked with Kristel, one of the fellow graduates mentioned above. About thirty minutes later, though, Erika, the other fellow graduate and hostess of the "party", left to find a better one where she could get drunk. Kristel, who was sick, wasn't really happy with the fact that Erika had left her with the hostess responsibilities but she didn't show it too much.

Anyway, after Erika had been gone for a few minutes, I asked Sarah if she was ready to leave. She was.

We drove back to Richmond and I checked my e-mail. Since it was 1:36AM in the morning, I figured Sean would be home, so I re-found his phone number then headed homeward.

After telling Mom that I'd made it in, I went upstairs and called Sean. We talked until nearly 3:30AM and I once again had the best time. We got into a little more intimate details with last night's conversation and I found myself getting aroused. Not that I haven't gotten aroused the other times I talked to him, but last night was especially potent.

I think I'm falling hard for Sean. He seems near perfect... going to be a doctor, played football and ran track in high school... if only he's cute, I'll be in heaven.

While I was writing this, I tried calling Rob but his roommate said that he was asleep. I'm actually starting to worry about him. All he does is sleep. Hopefully, I'll be able to get him back in order when I get to Boston... in 45 hours!!!!!

September 10, 1995

1:06AM Technically September 11, 1995

Today I went to my cousin's wedding and it wasn't as bad as I expected.

The last wedding I went to, the preacher went on and on about how marriage was a covenant to be entered by "man and woman. As God intended it to be." But today, he mentioned nothing like that. That part of the marriage was fine, but overall, it lacked emotion as well. When I get married, I don't want to repeat something word for word. I want to write a poem or speak directly from my heart. I want to look into my husband-to-be's eyes and hold his hands as I tell him how much I love him. I want a wedding with mush and a reception with food. There will be no dainty ham sandwiches or mints. There's going to be pizza and junk food. I want the reception to be a party. Oh well, I still have a while... but those thoughts occupied my head most of the day.

When I got back at the store, Amanda told me Rob had called. I think his emotions can best be described by part of the reply I wrote to his e-mail:

Don't hate yourself for not doing things that "you should have done weeks ago" Just do them. The past is the past and cannot be changed. As soon as you learn that little phrase you'll be fine. You can't go back and do those things so that they'll be done now, but you can work on them and get them done soon.
You're not incapable... far from it... do you think I'd want someone who is "incapable of doing even the simplest things" to be my business partner? No, you know me... perfection... if I didn't have COMPLETE confidence in your abilities, I wouldn't put MY name on [the RJ venture]...
Don't hate yourself for not being there when I tried to call... just be there now... "The past is the past and cannot be changed." Get a pager so that I can get ahold of you when I need to... you don't have to drop whatever you're doing to call me, but at least then you'd know that I tried to call and want to talk to you soon... you're phone works most of the time, but a pager works ALL the time... so there, another solution to your problems...
What do you mean, "be any more interested in you than when you were in Kentucky?" I payed[sic] all my attention to you... sure, I've been "in" to Sean lately, but you're still my best friend. I know, you want to be "lovers" (ARGHHH... I hate that word)... but you have to realize, I'm the first gay guy that you've actually met that was decent, right???? We've just got to get YOU out in the gay circuit and see what's there... no one's going to buy a house if there isn't a "For Sale" sign in the yard... well, sure, someone MIGHT buy a house by asking if it's for sale, but it's unlikely...
One thing to remember, boyfriends come and go, but best friends are to stay. This business venture is going to legally bind us together for at least a few years... but I've already bonded myself to you emotionally until I die... *teary eyed smile*
You said that you'd be tormented by me being there to physically taunt you... well, I know that I'd give anything just to hang out with Chris again, knowing that I could never have him... I, too, ultimatumed him, "Be with me all the time like we have been or not at all." I thought for sure he'd choose "all the time": He chose not at all... and I've regretted asking it ever since. What I wouldn't give to go back in time and not make him choose... a little of him would be so much better than none at all... I'm just saying that I've been there... I understand... :-)

"He probably deserves a lot more of your attention than I do."? Well, like anything new, Sean will get more attention than the older things. The new stuff always gets more attention, but it doesn't mean you love the old any less... it just means that you want to explore the new. It's sort of like software... you buy the new and sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad... but you stick with what you like... I'm still using Chameleon Sampler to connect to the Internet... Iglou send me Trumpet Winsock... I tried it out and gave it all my attention... but then I came back to Chameleon Sampler...
Just know, I love you, and wouldn't trade you for a Pentium. *smile*

Since receiving that, he said he's cheered up a bit, but still thinks he may be suffering from physical depression. He said he was going to go talk to a counselor. I told him to wait and see if I wasn't able to get him back to normal.

That's about it for now... after I upload this, I'm putting my computer back in its boxes. Talk to you soon...

September 12, 1995


Well, try to bear with me since I'm using a terminal to create this and not my hi-tech HotDog web editor.

Anyway, today I looked at two apartments. The first was an absolute horror. It was on the fifth floor... hiking it all the way.

Let's see... today I woke at around 9:30AM to the sound of Rob typing on his computer. I thought he was working on RJ stuff; instead, he was playing the CD-ROM game I brought him.

After waking up a bit, I started talking to Rob and he came over to sit on the bed. He hugged me or I him and then I took a shower before calling a real estate agent.

"All of the agents have stepped out of the office. Can I take your number?" was all I heard. Next...

I looked through today's Boston Globe and told Rob he had to be my man and call for me... He did. Apparently, though, all of their apartments were rented.

I called the next agent and he told me to stop on by... a few minutes later, we did.

After filling out a form where I had to specify occupation, salary, and a few other things that I didn't really know, the man asked me what I was looking for. Having never done this, I hadn't a clue. I tried to explain, but fumbled through the words. Eventually, he assigned a young girl, Kathleen, to show me an apartment.

After following Kathleen to her car, Rob and I were driven about five minutes away to an apartment not too far from here. The outside looked nice enough, but the inside was a little less wonderful. Oh... I almost forgot... it had five flights of stairs. I almost told her before she opened the door that showing me the apartment was pointless, but I kept quiet. Strike one...

After getting back to Newbury Street, Rob and I found another agency where the guys were less than accommodating. They seemed to think I was crazy looking for a studio in the Back Bay area for $750 or less. Not being one to take crap, I told them, "Well, thank you for your time." and left. Strike two...

The next agency seemed interested enough, but I still had to answer those pesky occupation/income questions. This time I was prepared, per Rob's instruction, and put I was a computer consultant.

This time, Rob and I were taken to a building that looked pretty darn nice. The outside was new and a steel door looked like it had just been installed. Once we got inside, it was obvious that the apartment had just been painted as well. The carpet, however, was heavily stained and the kitchenette (It had no stove, only a range top, and a miniature refrigerator) was heavily damaged. As I told the agent, Lee, it was a real eye-sore.

We talked to her for a while and Rob, my admitted superior in apartment negotiations, asked several questions about things like air conditioning and laundry. Turns out, an air conditioner would get you fined $475 and the laundry was at the end of the building. The laundry I could deal with, but the air conditioner fine was just another thing saying "Uh, oh."

Thinking that this was definitely the best place we'd seen, but not wanting to get the first apartment that was decent, I thanked Lee for her time and we went back to her car.

As we were riding back to Newbury Street, she kept saying how another man was interested in the apartment and was most likely going to rent it tonight. Rob, my non-admitted inferior in marketing, believed her and asked how certain she was of the "John Doe's" interest.

For the next few minutes, she kept on pressuring and Rob was fueling the fire. I finally had to say, "Well, I really like it, but it's not my dream apartment; so I won't cry if he gets it." As Rob later pointed out, perhaps I shouldn't have been so visually apathetic about it, but I wanted her to know that her high-pressure sales pitches weren't working.

For what seemed like the next hour, Rob and I debated on her truthfulness and the basic paths to acquiring an apartment. I finally agreed to feign more interest this time, but refused to lie or be "orgasmic" as I said to him unless I really do love the apartment. I also told Rob that I'd call back next week to see if all those supposedly "going today..." apartments were still available.

Tomorrow, I'm going to go hunting again and I'll be much better prepared. Tonight I have to decide whether I want a nice place or location. Having both is just too expensive...

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