October 8, 1999 - Friday
October 9, 1999 - Saturday
October 14, 1999 - Thursday
This place is lonely tonight without you here. I worked all day scanning negatives of Shane (the first red head) [for RedHeadedMen.com], but it's all so non-rewarding. I don't know why I'm bothering. It's like, I'm sure people will look, and some even pay, but right now I can't figure out why I even care about sharing the pictures with anyone else... and I can't figure out why I bothered with the JustinsLife.com redesign. No one cared [that it hadn't been redone in years]. No one new is reading it now that wasn't reading it before... I know in my mind I told myself that I was spinning it off so that mainstream media would cover it, but I seem destined to never be more than a wanna be. I mean, I know, all things being relative, that I've done more than most, but it's just not there. It's not fulfilling. My personal life, with you and the kids, and all, is good, but my "career" is a big hole, leaving me scanning negatives all day for some unknown purpose. I don't want to become a photographer. I want to be a writer, but I want my writing to have more potentiality than a term paper. I want people to read what I write. I want them to pick it up in the bookstore and read it. My writing needs to be capable of going some where, and if my diary, after all these years, still hasn't gone anywhere, I can't see how anything else I would write would even have a chance.
Maybe, just maybe, if I get some $$ from [the project with the programmer], I can hire a PR agent and get somewhere... but that seems as likely as that diet I'll start tomorrow. Always intending, never doing.
So, yeah, I know I have to do it. I just wish I had the confidence to think that I could do it.
If you were here, you could hug me and I'd just forget all this stuff.
October 18, 1999 - Monday
|1. you will get where u want.|
2. you have the ability to change the world.
3. you needed to redesign the my life section and spin it off..it was needed.
4. you have the right instincts..they will continue to make you do what you have to do.
5. finish school and then i hope and make that money and we'll get someone involved on the pr side..i know you will have to spend that money on pr..i should have years ago with my company..i waited too long, you won't.
6. i'll be home soon and hug you for sure..love my bunny.
October 19, 1999 - Tuesday
In your recent diary entries you express some frustration over the fact that your new "Justin's life" page has not created the degree of interest that you expected it to generate. You now believe that it is a matter of better public relations.
I do not think so. Years ago your public diary was an interesting and fresh attraction. It gave the impression of being candid and open, and it described a young man in struggle. Over time, for understandable personal reasons, you seem to have blocked more and more of your true thoughts and feelings from the on-line diary, and when "real" events occurred in your life you have even shut down the diary completely. This is perfectly fine of course, since announcing all events, thoughts, and personal conflicts in public would have wreaked havoc on your personal life. However it made for a bland and extremely boring narrative, highlighting the digestive problems of babies and your sophomoric aversions to this class or that class in USC.
It is hard to see why anyone would be truly interested in this stale stuff, PR or not PR. What made your diary interesting ions ago was the fact that it depicted - with true expressive power and heartfelt pain - the difficulties that a young gay man was facing as he was growing up. At present it does not depict anything of great interest, merely the various comings and goings of a not-too-interesting and somewhat spoiled young man who lives rather comfortably in Southern California, takes vacations in Las Vegas and Hawaii, goes to movies, etc. You cannot be surprised that no one outside your circle of family and friends is terribly interested.
Unless you are able to break outside your own little cocoon and express on your pages more than your own little trivial and highly "sanitized" daily activities, your goal - to have the page attract big and enthusiastic crowds - will probably remain elusive. Like most people, you seem to be too self centered and myopic to become a meaningful writer, and thus once your personal life became uninteresting (or once you lost the ability to report on what is really happening) your page lost its soul. It is hard to see why anyone would be dying to follow your small deeds, your small frustrations, and your (very) small achievements as of late. [Personally, I used to visit your page very often, now much longer periods pass between visits, and the new entries are truly boring.]
I believe that if you are looking for a good way to use whatever talents you may have, packaging and re-packaging this increasingly mundane web site is not going to provide you with success. Without real content it would not become an attraction. Since you seem to have lost the ability to supply interesting content, you may have to look for another line of work.
October 21, 1999 - Thursday