October 22, 1999 - Friday
|Friday night was like the best night I can remember. I was at my friend
Mitch's house..I've been there the past two weekends. He's really cool and I
like him a lot. (Not as in more than a friend...he's not my type at all).
A couple people from gay.com came over, friends of Mitch's friend. My god, one of them was the most attractive person I've ever seen.
So we all hung out there...they were all drinking but not me since I can't
drive even after just a little. (Low tolerance and takes me a long time to
sober up). We watched a movie and then went to the kitchen and just sat and
talked a lot. It was really cool because I actually felt like I was a part
of it all, and not just someone sitting on the edge. Normally really
attractive people don't even speak to me. The conversation ended up being
about sex and people asking questions everyone had to answer. Of course I
was the one with the least experience (everyone else was older..30s...23,
21, 20, and me at 18)..but noone made it matter...I was still part of the
conversation. After awhile of that we went back into the bedroom (that's
where Mitch's tv is). 5 of us sat on the bed, ending up basically in a dog
pile..although I was at the edge since I wasn't sure what to do hehe. Soon I
got more involved and a little happened. I felt my first hairy chest which
was cool lol (I'm obsessed). Some more happened but nothing major. A bit
later Mitch wanted to go to sleep (it was 4:30am) so we all left. As I was
about to drive away Mark came over and gave me his ICQ number. He kinda bit
my ear too when we hugged goodbye lol. So I was really happy that night
cause it was a lot of fun and I'd met some cool people who may be friends.|
Time for new paragraph hehe. Anyways Saturday I went to Mitch's to do homework but couldn't concentrate and ended up feeling really sad. I came back here and had supper and worked some more on my homework, although gave up quick because I couldn't pay attention. I couldn't think why I was so sad when earlier that day (before bed) I'd been the happiest in so long. Finally I began to realise that I was lonely...even though I'm making friends...I was lonely for more. I went back to Mitch's house to watch a movie with him and another guy. It helped a little. Sunday I was on ICQ and Mark msg'ed to see if i wanted to go to a movie with them. I said sure...so I rushed to the shower and to drive to the neighboring town in 20 mins. I didn't make it since I hadn't thought about the movie theatre being on the opposite end of town...so I was 10 mins late. We rented two movies instead and Bob came over too. After the first movie Leon (Mark's bf) gave Mark a backrub, and then Mark got me to sit in front of him so he gave me one too. Then he did a bit more than just a backrub and I ended up lying back on him (he was propped against couch). It was really nice to be sitting like that with someone...I'd been longing for that ever since I can remember. Not to mention with the best looking guy around who's also really nice hehe. At the same time though, I knew from friday's conversation that his bf didn't like it when he flirted with other people. (does that a lot apparently). So I felt bad about that but it was too nice to get up. Later I went to the bathroom and came out and Leon was there (just outside bathroom) and we talked about how he doesn't like it when Mark flirts with people. He told me not to feel bad but I still did. I had to leave pretty soon after to get to my dorm's floor meeting and free pizza. I got here 1 minute late and all the pizza was gone. Anyways I was even more sad Sunday night. I was even more lonely it seemed, like having a bit of that kind of attention makes me realise how lonely it is without it. Some day I guess I'll find it..just seems that's a long ways away. At least I know there are real live gay people out there who are attractive and nice even to me.
So...that's basically what kind of state of mind I was in for the weekend and yesterday. I'm still feeling it today but getting better. I guess I was just feeling really alone and unsecure so that's why I wrote you that msg about your lack of a response to my e-mail yesterday.
I'm not always messed up in the head...just had a tough weekend :)
Thanks for cheering me up,
[ Edited For Publication ]
|Yeah, i was going to write earlier but ended up going out. It was really
cool talking to you..I felt really good after :) I was too late to eat at
the dining hall so grabbed some cookies and a pop tart from a neighbour
hehe...made it to lab and even got out in only an hour.
I'm really not a whore though hehe...that one guy was for 3 times..but at
least it was the same person hehe. Tonight was cool..about 9 I went to
the neighboring town to go in a hot tub with Mark and his bf Leon...which was fun. A little
happened in the hot tub, a bit more back at their house...but nothing major
with me. I watched them have sex...didn't get too involved since I'd
satisfied myself earlier in the morning..how was I to know? lol Oh I tried
one of those leather ring things that goes around everything...I didn't
really like it. This must be making you really think I'm a whore but I'm
really not..and no I'm not in denial about it hehe. I wouldn't do anything
I didn't think was safe...or with someone I was suspicious of. As of tonight
it's only 3 guys I've had anything to do with since I was 15..even if they
were all within the same month hehe...and two of them are a couple anyways.
The other was disgusting enough I'd rather not remember lol. When I was 15
nothing more happened than minor hand jobs. With the disgusting guy, in
case I didn't explain it well enough. (It's hard to try to communicate
without saying the obvious hehe...being in a wal-mart and all...and thinking
maybe that guy could be standing right around the corner...which is possible
in a small town). See I was there and he said after 2 movies and 2 minutes
of a porn movie, "so do you want to mess around?" I said I didn't know. He
put his arm around me and said I was stiff. Then he said "let's go to the
bedroom". He basically taught me stuff from there...and I was glad to learn
some stuff...but was not into it much. Ok so now's your turn to say "but
then why 3 times?" hehe. The second time like I tried to explain was
because I had to stay over in the neighboring town...and I guess I did like the idea of
sleeping with someone..by that meaning the actual sleeping together
part....not sex. I said I didn't want to cum or anything like that but he
started on it and I went along with it. Same thing in the tent.. I wasn't
into it..still sorta wanted to sleep close to someone...but he started in
again so I went along with it. Don't get me wrong, he didn't force me to do
it..I could've got up and said no...but i still wanted to be friends with
him...so I was like whatever.|
Besides, whores get paid. hehehe j/k
The five guys on the bed thing I guess sounded worse than it was hehe..only two of us got off (yes I was one hehe). I think you got that part though.
You know it's sounding like I'm being a bit defensive about it. Maybe I am a little worried I'm acting whorish...but I don't think I'm doing too bad...am I? I never used to be even able to hug my friends..I'd shrug away and step back.
Anyways I'm really tired so going to bed....it's going to be so cool to meet you...can't wait :)
My brain's totally blank right now so I can't remember what I've said and I"m too tired to check the last bit hehe so let this be my goodbye msg hehe goodnight..er good morning when you get this I'm guessing.
[ Edited For Publication ]
This AIN'T an uplifting newsletter[sic]... so if you'd in a bad mood, it'd probably just be best to hold off to later... but I'm still going to go buy the tickets this morning, so don't think otherwise, k?
To be totally honest, one of the reasons I was having trouble writing you back about coming to LA was caused by your remark that you'd just felt your first hairy chest. The pictures you sent were doofily cute and I figured that if you came out to LA, there would be pretty good odds that you'd end up in the hot tub/pool/etc. without your clothes... I was mulling over the fact of was it ethical to have you fly out. On one hand, it is a rush to be someone's first... first anything... but on the other hand, I don't *need* that designation for myself. And with you, it wouldn't have been because I was the first guy you trusted (you'd obviously trusted the bed guys), but instead, it would have been because I happened upon you at the right moment in time. I'd have simply beat someone to the finish line, know what I mean? (You were gonna fool around with someone soon, so "anyone" and I could have been interchangable.)
So, since there was no trust issue with me (i.e. I hadn't become your mentor, first crush, etc.), I thought it would have been very selfish of me to fly you out. I didn't want to take any first's away from you which you might have shared with someone special. (That's "special" not "worthwhile". I would be "worthwhile" but I am not "special" to you.) Yet not flying you out didn't seem right either. I wasn't flying you out JUST to get you skinny dipping... but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of the equation.
So, anyway, I didn't want to "take advantage" of you. But now the equation has flipped entirely. Perhaps because I thought you were sooo pure, you now appear so... well... otherwise. Relativity plays a part in our observations much more than we realize, but thinking that you were a total innocent virgin and now finding that in the past THREE weeks, you've had blow jobs and passionate kisses with a guy you think is disgusting, you came on the bed with those guys, and last night you were naked in the hot tub before watching two guys have sex... all people you just met and who don't sound like they're quality people. (The first one's "disgusting" and the second two are high into drama if one is waiting for you at the bathroom to tell you that he doesn't like his boyfriend flirting... yet he's having you in the hot tub and letting you watch them have sex a few nights later. Drama!)
So, there's my thoughts on the subject... it's one thing to be someone's first... it's another to be someone's first this week... I know you didn't ask for my advice in this regard, but I'm one of those guys that has to say what he's thinking of it just sorta blows up in other ways. (Like little veiled comments popping up here and there with more bite than you could imagine.)
|Thanks for the warning. Well..I was in the best mood I'd been in in as long
as I can remember...so I read. I'm not sure what mood I'm i now...but I'm
glad I started out in an really good one. Can't blame you for it though..it
is the truth. I know I feel like I've dissapointed you..and I hate
dissapointing people. I guess it's also like a reality check or something.|
There isn't really much I can say about what I've done..I mean I can't undo it. I wouldn't want to undo most of it...maybe undo the 2nd and 3rd times with Sam though..pretty sure those should be gone. It is kinda bad that he was the first person I did much with (it was 4 weeks ago actually...but really a week doesn't make much difference)..in that it wasn't anything special..but good in a way that at least now I'm over the first time...so there isn't this whole block thing. At least now I can be at least a bit comfortable around people while not wearing clothes.
The day before the first time with Sam, if asked I would have said I didn't think I would ever do anything sexual (well besides the minor hand jobs that allready had happened when I was 15) until I was in a long-term relationship. So I guess I'm wondering what happened to that...and it seems like I don't know myself as well as I'd thought.
As for being quality people, Sam is not. He runs a gay men's health group type thing who do activites..and so despite what he says there was some trust because of that. I can't say for sure nothing would have happened if it was some other guy I met...but the chances are much slimmer. I mean I only was alone with him because I was the only one that showed up for the meeting.
The other two guys, they seem like good people. I don't quite get the thing that you call "drama"...I mean I understand what you mean..but don't understand Leon's part in it fully...but I guess he just wanted to be involved too.
I don't know what else to say now..so I guess I'm going to go lie in bed until it's time to go to english class. Sorry I let you down.
[ Edited For Publication ]
You burst out of the closet... it happens that way a lot. For so many years, you've been repressing stuff and then FINALLY there's an outlet, so you go to extremes and allow other virtues to be compromised. Like I said, my first hands groping was with a guy I found gross... but I stopped it there. I wouldn't let him kiss me. I didn't want any of his semen on me. It was roaming hands and that was it. I got to experiment, but I knew I didn't want to share anything special with him. BUT I'm a rarity and I'm not saying that you should be like me either... and I'm not a saint. I like getting guys naked. I'd run over a pedestrian to get to a cute red head. The main thing that knocked you off that pedestal on which I'd placed you (and which I was having difficulty tainting) was that there doesn't seem to be any connection with these guys other than physical location. If you'd told me that you'd gotten your first blow job from a guy whom you admired or thought was attractive or who just rocked your world, I would have understood. And maybe I'm over-analyzing the Leon bathroom/don't flirt deal, but I have to be honest and say that I doubt it. The first time I saw two guys have sex (anal) in front of me, I was totally FREAKED. I'd known them both for a while and thought they were both attractive and so forth, but when they actually butt fucked each other in front of me, I was extremely uncomfortable and kept pushing until finally they left before anyone came.
So, I don't know why I wrote... except that I knew that I'd throw barbs otherwise until it hurt much worse than a single letter. I just want you to respect yourself and remain true to who you are. Being comfortable with yourself and realizing that it's ok to be a normal guy who happens to be gay is a great thing. Just don't let something you do now mess you up later.
Your big gay mentor... WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! ;-)
|I think that definately makes sense...bursting out etc. The whole reason I
forced myself to go to the GLBTA open house that day (the day I met Sam) was
because I really needed to be in contact with some gay people. It'd been
two weeks since I'd had to say goodbye to my best friend (the girl from MI
who was in Seattle with me)..so I was pretty lonely. While driving back
from Spokane the weekend before the open house (had to go to office depot to
buy a chair) I got really sad and lonely so I decided I would have to make
myself go and meet some people. (brb...back..had to fix someone's network
setup down the hall) Anyways what you said makes sense.|
Yeah, I guess there wasn't any other connection besides physical location. Well, I was/am like incredibly attracted to Mark...but Sam was the one with which the most stuff happened and I wasn't hehe.
They didn't just start having intercourse right in front of me...we'd been looking at some porn mags and they showed me a few leather things (I'm not into leather tho..least not that I'm aware of yet hehe)...messed around a little..then they asked if I would like to watch. I said ok and they went ahead. It was interesting. I'd seen it done on videos, but when it's about 2 feet from you it's a bit different hehe. They asked if I was disgusted by it at all (I'd lost my erection...it's hard for me to keep one for long without attending to it if i've allready taken care of things a few hours before)and I said no...cause I wasn't. I used to think I'd never be able to do it...that it was gross..but now I think I could with the right person..after knowing them ages and really trusting them. I don't know if I'd be top or bottom..maybe both hehe.
I'm glad you wrote what you thought...it made me think about it more. I for sure don't want to do anything that's going to mess me up forever.
Well I guess I'm going to go work on some homework till my friend comes on ICQ..then I'm probably going over there so he can take a look at the truck.
Talk to you later
> Your big gay mentor... WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! ;-)
I do like it
[ Edited For Publication ]
|Subject: And I wonder why people think we're obsessed with sex...|
> we'd been looking at some porn mags and they showed me a
Just the other day Larry and I were having some friends over and I whipped (pardon the pun) out the harnesses and torture devices. NOT!!! Dude... this is not typical behavior, gay or otherwise. I think the last time I saw a porn magazine at some else's house was when I was over at David's and an issue of Freshman was on his nightstand. I picked it up, leafed through, and put it back. All in the course of 15 seconds. That's about it. He said that he liked one guy in it because the guy reminded him of me. That was it.
I'm just a little amazed at how stereotypical it all is. The religious right just needs to read a few of your e-mails and voila, that part about us recruiting the young folk is more than apparent. BUT what you really need is someone who cares about you, not some guys who get off on the fact that they're initiating you into the big gay world of porn and leather. And I'm not saying that porn's bad, but it's certainly not what you show the company. It can be fun. I like a video myself every now and then, but I just can't fathom having someone over and showing him a porn magazine or video with the intent of turning him on. I might show him part of a magazine for some other purpose (like the guy looked like him or something), but if I had to turn him on with magazines before having my way with him, I'd rather just pass.
So, yet another reason that I don't think they're a good influence... I'm just afraid you're going to get stuck in the idea of that's what you have to be like to be gay... but being gay is just a part of your life. Sure, it influences a lot of other facets, but the actual sex part shouldn't be so... forced. I don't know.
It just really aggravates me. I wish I were there, with Larry and the kids, to show you that being gay doesn't limit you in any form or fashion. You said that you read the site and "I, like everyone else who writes you, was glad to find out there are other normal people like me out there," but you're selling yourself short and it's a damn shame.
Keep your dick in your pants dude... at least until I can meet ya face to face and hopefully show ya what it's like to be a "normal" guy who happens to be gay. At least then you'll be able to make an informed decision, realizing what possibilities are out there.
|Hi..I got this e-mail from my sister last night. I haven't replied yet
because I'm going to try to find some kind of website or pamphlet to mail to
her..or something. I thought she understood everything. I guess not. I
got the e-mail when I got home from having a great time with some
people...and then lay in bed (it was after midnight) trying to sleep but
couldn't. Even now I'm trying not to cry. I don't know what good sending a
copy to you does..but I guess I want to know what you think of what she's
said. It seems she thinks I'm pretending to be gay since I deny having a
hormonal imbalance. I'll type out a response later on. I don't see what
she wants your website address for...I don't really want to give it to her
though since then I would feel weird about posting things to the bulletin
I was late for calculus today and think I failed the quiz. Today would have been my godmother's birthday too so this is not the happiest day for me.
I've got Friday to look forward to though :-)
Maybe I can track down Bob and have lunch...it'll feel better to be around people.
Talk to you later
|If I told you that I understood your point of view, would you believe me? I had six cousins and I was always the one making sure that they weren't out playing in the road or beating each other with baseball bats. It wasn't my job; I wasn't even the oldest, but I did it.|
I've always been the type to want to take care of the rest... and in many ways, it's that same feeling that wants Andrew to fly to LA. See, being a gay kid (something I'll address more in a minute), you really have no gay role models. You spend most of your adolescent life looking for others like you... but there are none. Then finally, with the attendance of college, you finally have a chance to be who you've always known that you were. You finally have a chance to be "YOU!" with no preconceived notions about you being "so and so"'s kid, about you being "so and so"'s brother, or about being straight.
Andrew's gotten to that point. He's kissed his first guy. He's embraced another man... He's done the stuff that most kids did when they were in high school... but he's finally had a chance to see what those straight kids were talking about. He finally doesn't have to report to anyone and that freedom which you've enjoyed for much longer is now, at least partially, his. He's finally being able to have what you and most straight kids have had since day one. He's an adult now and while he may have a lot of learning to go, he's finally able to be treated like an adult and make decisions like an adult. Your demands that he report to you are usurping that power, that power which you had by default.
See, I'm just a small town boy living in the big city. I've still got those small town morals. I've still got those small town ideals. I've got a husband, two kids and two dogs. It's about as normal as you could ever want to be. I want Andrew to see that. I want him to realize first hand that while the gay guys he knows as college are ok, there's no need to lock himself into any preconceived notions about what a gay man should or should not be. Most of us do not cut hair for a living. Most of us do not work as nurses (although I'm sure you see your share). Most of us are completely indistinguishable. We're mechanics, chemists, construction workers, CEO's. etc. And I'm not just whistling the PR brochure. I'm talking from experience.
You wrote to Andrew:
Do you realize what you wrote?
Do you realize this mindset is why Andrew contemplated suicide when he was younger?
Do you realize that this implicit hatred of who he is caused him to cry after getting your letter?
You said that Andrew is a product of his upbringing, which I agree with... but that should all the more clearly illustrate how strong his feelings are towards other men. He's risked it all and is still largely living in silence, but he knows that he has to be true to himself.
Andrew forwarded me your e-mail not to show that you were a cruel person or out of any ill intentions, but rather he forwarded it to me because he cares about you and he wants you to understand who he is. He hoped I could help.
Being gay is not a phase or a hormonal imbalance. It's who he is, just as much as someone being left handed. Sure, you can make that left handed person write with his right hand, but it's not the way he's programmed to be.
Andrew is gay. Nothing will ever change that.
*That* is the issue. You've got to address that first before you can even hope to understand why he needs to fly to meet me. Andrew is gay.
October 26, 1999 - Tuesday
|I went to school, but on the way to class, I decided that I was
feeling too sick to sit through a boring hour and a half lecture.
I came home and got in the bed.
Larry intervened, determined that I might have an appendicitis,
and off to the doctor we went.
The doctor said that the symptoms were right and referred us on
to a board certified surgeon who, in turn, determined that there
was a 70% chance that I did have an appendicitis.
Sooo... he sent me to the Evaluation and Treatment Center where
I had blood drawn and was given an IV. After laying in my little
blue and white butt-showing hospital gown for a while, a "Patient
Transport" guy came and got me, wheeling my gurney to Radiology
where I had two chest X-rays performed.
From there, I was wheeled to another room where I had an
ultrasound of the area. My appendix was found and determined to be
perhaps slightly swollen, but nothing conclusive.
The doctor said that I could go home and would definitely be worse
or better by the next day... and if I should happen to have
immense pain in the middle of the night, I should call and he'd
come in to do an emergency operation.
So, I was wheeled back to the ETC, got dressed, and came home