Justin's Life

Who the heck am I?

First off, I'm not the guy in the picture. I'm the guy in these pictures.
In short, though, I'm 23, I'm a student at the University Of Southern California, and I'm gay. Each of those influences my perspective in life, to a large degree.


As a twenty-three year old, I've got a fair share of life under my belt, but I know there's a lot out there still left to "explore". I'm essentially married, with two kids and two dogs, and a husband who loves me. Married life has a lot of positive points... and it has its bad points, too. Some days I sit and think about how great I've got it. Other days I sit and think about how I wish I were single. For a 23 year old, being married for about three years now is not a rarity, but certainly not something especially common... especially for someone gay... but I'm skipping ahead.

Overall, as a twenty-three year old, I'm fairly stressed, have a few select people who care about me, and have the dreams and ambitions of most twenty-three year olds. I'm a little further down the track "career-wise" than most guys my age, but I'm still working on it, and I'll know I've truly made it when I read "Justin Clouse's Assistant - Steve WhateverHisNameWillBe" at the end of a movie. And as crazy as it sounds, I know that some day, that will happen.

Student at Univ. of Southern California

Though I have only one more semester of classes before graduating, being a student at USC really plays a part into who I am right now. No, I'm not in a fraternity and no, I don't spend my weekends partying there. But the interaction with the other students gives me a different look at life. It's not always a positive one... and in fact, most of the time, the superficiality of "friends" at school leaves a rather bitter aftertaste, but for me to describe myself and not say that I attend USC just wouldn't seem right.

It is often my going to class that sets off thoughts of wishing I had more friends, and it is often going to class that sets off some tyraid about other students not doing their fair share. In short, school and fellow students are a part of my life, at least for now, as much as I might like otherwise. Even during the summer, as I write this, I'm studying French so that I can pass the placement exam. Until the year 2000, when I fully graduate from the confines of formal education, never to return again, there's no escaping my status as a student at USC.


I'm gay. It's amazing how hard those words were to write in high school. It's amazing how hard those words are to write sometimes, even today. But I'm gay and that's a huge part of my life, too. And, like school, not for the reason's you'd think. I don't believe in Pride parades, protests, or drag, but being gay does change how I see the world. It lets me put a logic on things which most people just seem to take for granted. Like gay marriage, two penises somehow negates the fact that the two people can be committed to each other and arguably more symbiotic than any heterosexual couple ever was? It just doesn't make sense.

Being gay, too, is one of the major reasons for this online diary. A lot of guys are out there struggling with who they are in a society that tells them they're something they aren't. You can be gay and be normal. That's the whole "why" of this site. That's the whole reason why I need that "Justin Clouse's Assistant - Steve WhateverHisNameWillBe" at the end of a movie. I need to make a difference. I have made a difference. And being gay is how I'm going to change the world... That, too, may seem far fetched to you... but I've got the "You saved my life" letters to prove it, and each life changes the next, so in my own way, I'm already changing the world, as are you.

Now, don't go thinking I'm some super spiritual wierdo just because I believe that I'm going to change the world and have my assistant's name at the end of a movie. You asked, by clicking the link, "Who" I am, and I had to answer. I ernestly believe what I've written here. At the very least, I'm a 23 year old student at the University of Southern California who happens to be gay.

©1999 - Justin Clouse