June 1, 2001 - Friday
June 6, 2001 - Wednesday
Thanks for the e-mail. I hear what you're saying... but, nah, I don't view us as a couple. I do like ya and would maybe be interested in "coupledom" in the future but we're not there yet.
Anyway, I heard what you're saying and see some of your points. I haven't had experience with military stuff before, so in my civilian life, when someone says they're tired for several days in a row, it's just an excuse. Given that you're not one for openly expressing your emotions, that adds to my brain thinking you're indifferent about hanging out or not. So, when you don't say, "I thought about ya today" and you don't drive down, that's how my brain puts it together. I know you're not the type to write mega-emails saying how wonderful someone is and that's ok. You need me to believe you in regards to the tired thing or to understand about the not outright expressing emotions thing. I promise I will do my best. I need you maybe drop me a quick "howdy" on the voicemail or a little "I thought about ya today" in e-mail. Hopefully you understand and will do your best in return.
So, I don't know what to say. How 'bout this? I won't plan around you and I'll believe you when you say you're tired and won't ask/beg/plead/annoy if you say you're staying in. You, maybe, can satisfy my need for a little "Howdy" or "I thought about you today" in return. I'll kick down my intensity regarding you a bit, too, k?
So, I hope you had a nice not-too-tiring day today. As of 12:01PM, I have no plans tonight, but I'm gonna see what I can do about that. Bryce is busy and Jay's got a date, so it's doubtful, but I'm gonna try to find something. If you wanna hang out tonight when you get in, give me a call and maybe we can. If not, that's fine, too.
Have a good one,
June 11, 2001 - Monday
I've been doing a lot of thinking the past week and I wanted to share some of my thoughts with you, especially since they include you. On Saturday night, after we had gone dancing and we said our goodbyes, [my friend] and I had talked at length about you. One thing that I brought up and was a big part of our discussion was how frightened I was of becoming completely dependant on you: for a social life, or for just life itself. She said, "Honey, I think you already have." I was in denial of course but she brought up something I told her about the previous week. That Friday after I had spent the night, I left your apartment knowing you were having lunch with your marine friend. I ran some errands, got my haircut, went home, did some cleaning, ate and went to sleep. I woke up around 8:30 PM. I was disappointed because I had hoped you would have called and woken me up by then. So I got up and watched some TV, but the whole time I was sitting on the sofa desperately hoping you would call and ask me to come over. I felt stupid and pathetic for doing that and went to bed. Then on Saturday we had dinner with Jay and you told us about what had happened with the marine (the day before, the day you met him). I felt stupid again but then I felt jealous. I had told [my friend] about all of this before her visit and she had pointed it out as the evidence to prove her point. Then she added the comment you said (at dinner) about me "worshipping the ground you walk on," which I thought was merely you being a smart-ass - I didn't think I was that far gone. But when she said all this, it shut me up.
So on Tuesday, I knew you had plans for dinner with the marine and I was planning to leave anyway once (The Jerry) Springer (Show) was over. But as you were on the phone with him, repeatedly asking him "So are you coming down tonight?" I was getting annoyed with the frequency of that particular question. So I said, "Just say 'yes' already!" I thought my presence there was what was putting him off so that was my way of saying, "I'm leaving soon anyway." I didn't want to interfere with your plans. When he told me to "Shut up and watch your damn show," I took offense. I don't know why but it upset me. That's when I decided not to wait for Springer to finish and to go. You told me I didn't have to go but I realized right then, plain and clear, that I was in fact dependant on you and if I could feel jealous then that was even worse. Dependance is no basis for any relationship let alone friendship. And jealousy doesn't help either. It was really hard for me to turn around and leave because I so desperately wanted to stay. I felt worthless, shitty and hurt. I was mad at myself for being so stupid and jealous. I realized on the way home that I had forgotten the pager. It depressed me. I felt like crying, but I stifled it.
Then on Wednesday I felt really ill. Maybe it was just the exertion from going back to work and then going to the gym. I wanted you to come over but I also felt that it was better for me to be alone. I didn't want to say it, though. Anyway, this morning I read your journal even though I had vowed I wouldn't read it again because it always makes me anxious. But I read through and read what Philip wrote to you and found it somewhat ironic that you had reached a similar conclusion as the one I had: "center of the universe." And suddenly the "worshipping the ground you walk on" really sang out in my mind. Reading what you wrote is actually what prompted me to e-mail this to you. Then I read about the marine but that's not important. :p
So right now I don't know where I stand with you. I know that I like you a lot. I know that I want you to like me. I know that I'm too insecure for you. I know I still get nervous when you call me or when I'm around you. Then there's lots of stuff I don't know - we can't know everything, right? :)
Finally both [my friend] and my best friend back in Philly had told me to be careful with you which I thought I was doing. What they meant was for me not to expect too much. But I told them both that, when all is said and done, I can't imagine us NOT being friends. I hope that isn't too much to expect...
Anyway, those are some of the things I've been thinking. Sometimes it's easier for me to write things out than to speak them. I hope I haven't said too much. And I apologize if my punctuation is horrendous. Dealing with your book corrections and being busted for indiscriminate punctuation hopefully hasn't put you on the offensive. :)
Okay, well, I hope you had a good time at dinner last night. [A work colleague] and I went out to celebrate her new job which, although is still at Scripps but in a different department, starts on 1 July. We went to Rich's for the Hedonism thing. It was okay...I would have rather have been there with you but [she] made it a lot of fun. Someone grabbed my ass and I screamed like a girl.
I'm going to stay in tonight and catch up on sleep seeing that I got only 3 hours last night. I do have to work this weekend and have plans for Saturday and possibly Sunday. Otherwise I don't have anything planned for Monday right now. Call me if you want to get together or if you get the chance. Okay, well have a good day and I'll talk to you soon (I hope).
Remember when you, Jay, and I had dinner at that brewpub... the one where you ordered milk? That night, you said something about "having to fall in love with [me] first" before I'd break your heart... well, later, when Jay and I were talking, he said, "as though that hasn't already happened." Truth be known, I'd been saying that "I'm gonna break your heart" stuff as a pseudo veiled attempt to say "slow down." Now, before you think otherwise, there's no "wrong" in that... it's just that I've been where you are and know how it goes.
And while it may have come off as smart-assed when I said that you worshipped the ground I walk on, it really was another attempt at trying to indicate that you should slow down and not get QUITE so caught up in me. For some crazy reason, my brain puts "you worship the ground I walk on" as less egocentric than "I know you're all into me, but you need to slow down." I figured if I said it enough, you'd hear it and realize it was at least partially true. I'd also just experienced the Steve thing and when the interest goes from none to a lot in such a short time, I've found that it goes from a lot to none just as quickly. I didn't want to have that happen with you. I've had enough experience with that... and it's not fun, to put it mildly.
As for the Marine... your presence here had nothing whatsoever to do with whether he was coming over or not, like I told you. When he told you to shut up and watch your damn show, that didn't mean anything. He just saw you as someone else telling him to come over, which he wasn't going to do, and that was just his gruff way of saying he wasn't going to come over with you saying so either.
As for being dependent on someone else, that's part of life, part of learning to love. I was very dependent on Larry... and some days, I wish I still were. It's nice having someone there, to know that they're there for you. If we didn't depend on our friends/boyfriends for anything, what would be the point? I get what you're saying, but I'm saying that we're all dependent on others for things. It's nothing anyone should feel bad about.
I hated that you'd forgotten the pager, too... and I felt shitty about your leaving. The pager here almost seemed ominous. As though you were "moving on" and I didn't like that. I knew you'd misread my conversation with the marine. And I told you so, but ya didn't really believe me. If there's one thing that you can absolutely "depend" on me, it's that I'll tell you the truth.
You said you read about the marine... did you notice that I called you before I called him? If you'd been in, I would have had dinner with you... fuck the marine. I may have been temporarily blinded by the attraction, but yours vs. his quality was never an issue. You always won.
Not knowing everything is part of figuring out this whole love/attraction thing... and having had seven years head start on you, I'm still figuring it out... still having revelations. I've been trying to give you a leg up... but this stuff is largely something you can only learn on your own.
Now, if I may be so bold, I need to point out something. You're rebelling against me now... trying to prove your indifference, and that's not healthy either and it makes neither of us happy. Going to Rich's last night (a club you'd never been to before I took you the week before), not being able to see me until Monday. It's sort of an "I don't need you like I needed you" and it's working... it's getting under my skin. I didn't see you hardly any during your vacation (because of your mom and friend visiting) and I barely saw you this past week... now Monday's the next available time slot?
Well, that just won't do. In fact, it just sorta pisses me off... even though I KNOW the motivations behind it, proving to me and yourself that I'm not the center of your universe. It's like you're trying to regulate me back to the ranks of peon and while I can appreciate the demotion from center of the universe, I don't appreciate quite such a large demotion. I'm better than that.
So, sleep or none, we should have dinner tonight. We both WANT to see each other, and I really don't think it's the best choice to wait until Monday... there's no point in us staying on "bad footing" until then.
June 12, 2001 - Tuesday