My life... May 14-31, 1995

May 14, 1995


Well, I should be studying, but I just wanted to say that I've stopped thinking about Tadd. I mean, I get tons of e-mail every day from guys wanting to worship and adore me... why the heck would I stay around for someone who won't even acknowledge what I say with a nod of his head? Red hair or not, it's just not worth it.

May 15, 1995


Well, yesterday was stressful even though I didn't leave my apartment but once to go to the post office.

I woke up and started studying after I wrote that entry above. I studied and studied and studied, then I packed. After packing for about an hour, I studied some more... then I got e-mail from Eric, the red head in Kentucky.

It was a response to the earlier e-mail that I'd responded to where he asked me what weeknight I wanted to get together. I had said something like, "What a weeknight? Are you saving the weekend for someone else?" With this reply, he told me that yes, he was saving the weekend for someone else, and "Sorry, but he is awesome..."

That sounded like classic Eric language, so although I hoped it was a joke, it seemed too correct to be.

I first wrote Eric a note saying "What? *confused look*" but a few minutes later wrote:

        Well, as I wrote that last message, I must admit 
my heart was racing. 
        I'm still not sure whether you were joking or not. 
I mean, you've never mentioned Ben before... but I think 
I got your point.
        I think I felt probably the way you felt after 
reading my on-line diary day after day. I mean, even 
though, I haven't met you, when I read that line about you 
and Ben, my heart dropped. It was like the present I was 
anticipating had been snatched back. As with most presents, 
I didn't know what was inside (or even what it looked like 
on the outside, for that matter) but I still wanted it... 
and whenever you said that the present was going to Ben 
instead, I was jealous/hurt/upset/etc.
        So, I *think* you were being sarcastic, but please 
write back and tell me if you were or not...

So Eric wrote back and told me that he was indeed serious, that he thought he'd mentioned how he and Ben were sorta going out. Well, I was crushed... my one opportunity for romance in Kentucky had been crushed.

He then wrote later to tell me that he was joking and I replied:


>PS I think you have suffered enough.  Ben and I 
>aren't involved in any manner... :P 

        You ass... I'm sitting here almost to point of crying...
                                         Hope you're happy,
His reply was:

	Hey, I could have led you on longer... And I wanted to see your 


I really wonder about a person that can be so easily cruel to someone else and have no remorse about it whatsoever... maybe it was so many years of being hurt by people for being gay that's built up a huge hostility in him. All I know is that I'm going to meet him on Thursday back in Kentucky...

In other news, I have my history exam in just over an hour. It's two hours long so I hope I don't kill over during it.

In other news, this will be my last entry until I get my computer back to Kentucky which will more than likely not be until Friday at the earliest... so I'll talk to you then.

The entries from May 16, May 17, and May 18 have been transcribed from a little notebook that I carried with me since my computer was being shipped back to Kentucky.

May 16, 1995


Well, I just got on the plane... Rob came over yesterday afternoon around 5 and helped me finish packing... we then carried the stuff over to the hardware store where I shipped it. Rob had rehearsal for his a cappella group so he left at around 6:45PM. While he was gone, I went to the BU bookstore/mal and bought him a really koool personalized card. It read something like, "Rob is the kooolest gay guy in Boston" and on the inside it said, "Of course, that's excluding me and Steve and Norm and... just kidding, you're much koooler than Norm!!!"

Rob got back a little later and spent the night.

We woke up at around 6:30AM and headed to the airport. First we stopped at his apartment and dropped off the tons of stuff that I gave him. (Everything from Fruity Pebbles to a laundry basket to wrapping paper.) We said goodbye and I got on the plane...


Well, I'm now thousands of feet above America flying on Delta Airlines non-stop flight 879 from Boston to Cincinnati. We are nearing the upper level of clouds and I'm tired so my writing probably isn't coherent.

Anyway, this is the largest plane I've ever ridden on with seven seats across and two aisles... 24,000 feet... The emergency exit card says that this is a Boeing 767... 1 hour 54 minutes flying time...


I'm simultaneously writing a note to Rob as I write this in my little pad. Without his help, I don't know how I would have gotten all my stuff shipped and to the airport. I'm really glad that he found me web site and I've gotten to know him... not just because of the help with my move.


I can't believe I'm actually going home. No more T's, no more final exams... at least for a few months. But now I have to work... and I guess now is probably the best time to explain the work situation in Kentucky. I've previously left it out of here because it didn't really effect my life that much while I was in Boston and because I didn't want someone "going after" me because of it... so the long and the short of it is, I own a video store. Yes, really. It's named Just In Video and if you don't believe me, click here for a picture of the video store. It's no Blockbuster, of course, but I was only 17 when I started it... Anyway, I have to work there when I'm in Kentucky. (My mom runs it when I'm in Boston.)


Well, the plan hit some turbulence a few minutes ago and I must admit, my heart was racing. I mean, I've been through turbulence before, but never that extreme. The flight attendants were told to take their seats and the plane changed altitudes in order to get out of the rough air... it was really bumpy.


The plane has started to jerk again. The "fasten seat belts" light is back on and I can feel that we're descending.


Okay, the seat belt light is off again, but I just saw a non-flight attendant (the captain or his co-pilot) walk down the aisle to the back of the plan... wonder what's the deal with that. Well, he went back to the front of the plane... who knows.


25 more minutes and I should be back in Kentucky. (The Cincinnati airport is actually in northern KY.)


Okay, we've started our descent...


Well, the plane landed and Mom drove the car back to Richmond. On the drive home, I showed Mom my various pictures and she reacted to Steve's like most mothers would: Steve just doesn't look like the type of guy that a mother would want for her son.

In other news, tonight I'm a little depressed. The video store has replaced the stress that I had studying for the history exam and packing. But I think my depression stems more from the fact that I have no one to hand out with... especially no one gay. Even though I knew Rob for just over a week, I got pretty attached. He gave me someone to focus on and someone to focus back on me. I tried to call Jeff a few minutes ago so that I could get him to hang out with Rob. (Jeff was always telling me how he wanted someone to hang out with anyway.) and I don't want Rob to feel the loneliness I'm feeling right now, but Jeff wasn't home; so I left a message.

I hope I at least become friends with Eric, but I'm having doubts about whether that'll happen... and my feelings about Tadd were right on the mark... I guess I'll find out the day after tomorrow.

1:01AM Technically May 17, 1995

I'm headed to bed now, but I think this will be my last purely transcribed entry... from here until I get my computer back, I think I'm going to simply web-ize the journal/letter that I'm writing to Rob. Anyway, goodnight.

One more thing, earlier tonight I was talking to my brother and I was going to use the conversation to come out to him, to remove any and all doubts (if he had them) but my parents interrupted us... so I ended up not doing it. He was telling me how a girl had done him wrong, so I was going to say how that was nothing and explain how Steve kissed another guy... but I ended up simply saying, "Well, a date of mine kissed another guy the same day as our date." At first, that sounds like I said I'm gay (My mom even said something to me about me coming out to Clark) but if my date had been a female, the sentence would have been exactly the same. It's just your mindset. But I definitely think it's time to tell him. More than likely I'll mention something about my date with Eric.

May 17, 1995


Well, today my emotions have been very varied, especially considering I haven't talked with anyone my age except Rob... This morning, I was feeling like the "closet" was closing in around me... it seemed that everywhere I went, I found someone I knew. So much history everywhere... But about an hour ago, I drove around Arby's and was waited on by a friend's sister. To my mild astonishment, she said that Benita (her sister) told her that I was getting back and added that Benita said something about getting to see me with Heather Jo and Heather B. Well, I told Heather B. that I was gay about two months ago over e-mail and she said that she told Heather Jo, so if they get together, Benita will certainly be added to the group of people who know... but instead of feeling like the closet was coming in on me life before, I felt a little liberated. It's getting pretty obvious to me that I'll be coming out whether or not I want to. I guess I'm saying that some of the burden of whether or not to tell people has been lifted.

Also, I'm starting to get a little more nervous about meeting Eric tomorrow night. It simply must work. Even if we're not attracted to each other, I hope he has a personality good enough where I can hang out with him. I need another gay guy to hang out with and I think he needs another gay guy to hang out with.
In related news, it's still storming and I hope it's not going to storm tomorrow and cancel my date tomorrow night.

One other thing today, I was working at the video store when this red headed guy wearing an open collared shirt, sweat pants and sandals came in... I almost melted. He was built... and very few people can wear sweat pants and look good in my opinion, but I was glad that he was wearing them... they were sorta revealing. ... I have to get a man.

I guess I should head to bed now since I don't want poofy eyes tomorrow night...

May 18, 1995


I wasn't nervous this morning when I woke up because I didn't wake up naturally. I woke up to the sound of my mom yelling up the stairs to ask me to take her to work. So I got dressed and drove her to work.

In other wonderful news, it's storming so bad here that my date will likely have to be canceled unless it eases up this afternoon. There have been tornadoes everywhere and a lot of rain has fallen as well. So that's just one more glorious thing happening here in Kentucky!!

Oh, I told my parents that next semester I was staying in Boston for the summer and they said okay. I first told them that I thought I was going to be stuck here forever due to this video store and Dad told me I was crazy, that I wasn't stuck here, that he was the one that really mattered as far as repaying the loan goes.


I just finished watching The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert. It was pretty good, definitely worth watching. I even got goose bumps a couple of times. It does take a little while to get into, though... but there's a cute guy that goes around shirtless a lot, so staying interested isn't that difficult.... I think the movie gets its point across; by the end of it, you stop seeing the three guys as drag queens and start seeing them just as other people with the same emotions as everyone else.


Well, the storm has cleared up and I'm re-watching Priscilla but I really should get ready for the date so that I can go to work at the video store now... right after this scene, I'll stop it.


I turned it off after that scene, but about ten minutes later, I turned it on to make some noise... well, I ended up sitting down and watching it I did manage to shave and fix my hair afterwards, though.


I just finished watching Exit to Eden and it was great. There were tons on naked good looking guys (just butt shots, though). It was rated R and stared Dan Ackroyd and Rosie O'Donnell, but its the most nudity filled movie that I've seen since Porky's.

Well, the rain has stopped, but there's a tornado watch in effect until midnight, so I hope Eric's or my parents don't try to keep us at home. I'm supposed to meet him at 7:45PM, but I told Mom 7 o'clock so that she wouldn't be late getting here to relieve me at the video store.


Okay, I tried to call Jeff again to arrange a meeting between him and Rob, but I once again got his answering machine.

Whoa, the tornado destruction is on the news and it's pretty bad... the news lady said that although police had informed a man that his wife had been killed, she was actually alive. Imagine what emotional turmoil he must be going through... guess my date anxiety is pretty much nothing when you think about it.

Okay, I just called Eric's cellular phone to see if we were still going to meet. He said that he was planning on it, but he had to see how the roads were... he has such a thick Kentucky accent. Anyway, we're still planning on meeting, but he took the video store's phone number so that he could call if he couldn't make it. Now I think I'll call to see what movies are playing...


Well, I'm here in the parking lot where I'm supposed to meet Eric. I saw a truck matching the description he'd given me, but it was a Chevrolet instead of a Ford. I called the video store as I was getting into Lexington to see if Eric had called to say that he couldn't make it, but he hadn't.
Uh oh... there he is!!!

May 20, 1995


Well, Eric pulled up in his truck into the parking space next to me. He told me how he had thought of turning back and braved severe weather then we headed to Lone Star Steakhouse.

We went inside and sat down. We talked a bit, but of nothing of any importance. He told me about his job as manager of KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) and of the bad weather. Eventually, I told him to stop talking about boring stuff and to loosen up.

So we ate dinner... well, I ate dinner while he ate a desert. I wasn't sure whether he actually wasn't hungry, like he said, or whether he was just being cheap. I mean, before he even ordered the desert, he asked if they took Discover and actually mentioned something about him being tight. Anyway, we ate and then decided to head to a movie, but first we need some money.

So we went to the ATM and I gave him my card after he'd made a withdrawal. He told me that he was going to learn my PIN and I told him, "You steal my money; I call your mom."

We got the money, but then I said that going to a movie wouldn't really give us a chance to get to know each other. I mean, although we had dinner, he had never really opened up. So we decided just to drive around for a while. --We were in his truck--

During our drive, he eventually opened up. He told me that he was upset/confused because he was living a lie at home. I told him that I completely understood, that I'd been there. He told me that I was nothing like he'd expected, that I was more out. To me, I heard that he was saying I was flamey. He later clarified to say that he meant that I was more comfortable with being gay and it showed. I think he meant that I wasn't worried about touching him (not sexually, you pervs) or trying to fit the traditional straight guy role.

We eventually got back to the Lone Star parking lot where he was planning on dropping me off. I'd gotten him to open up a little but not as much as I wanted, so I said, "If we went to see a movie, it would still be playing, so let's talk a little more."

So he parked his truck and we talked about past loves, suspected gay guys, and such. I eventually started poking him in the sides... sort of straight guy rough housing... you know, that stuff that you do with your straight male friends that you're attracted to... anyway, I did that for a while and he would laugh and recoil, but the smile on his face indicated that he liked it.

So after that got old, I grabbed his hand and said, "Let me look at your hand." or something like that. Well, of course, I kept holding it even after I looked at it. I asked him about how he wasn't taking it back and he said that he was just letting it limp, which was true. About thirty minutes later, after we'd talked some more, I noticed that his fingers had curled around my hand. I picked my hand up to see if it was really his fingers gripping or if it was the weight of my hand forcing his fingers down... it was him gripping. I asked him about it and he said something like, "Yeah, there could be some neurons firing."

So we held hands for a while and then around 11:45PM decided it was time to part ways since he had about 60 minutes to drive home... I told him that I'd bought him a rose, that it was in my car, but I didn't expect him to take it (since I knew he couldn't explain it to his family). He told me that he could throw it out on the way home. I sarcastically told him he was quite the flatterer, gave it to him, and got in my car.

We're going to meet again, but I don't know when. We both have jobs now... but I'll e-mail him soon.

At first, I didn't think we were going to get along too well. He didn't look like the red head of my dreams either. (I like longer hair... at least long enough to run my finger through... he didn't have freckles... and he was really skinny...) Then after we were talking, I was reminded of Tadd but just a little. Eric was much more interesting that Tadd, but I still felt like that wall was there... but this time I understood why... and this time, I got the wall to come down just a bit...

So we're going to meet again...

Yesterday, I didn't do much. I woke up, hung out, and then my computer was returned to me here at the video store. Last night I went to Wal-Mart with Amanda and that was about it.

This morning, I called Adam and finally got ahold of him. I'd been calling for weeks and just figured that he'd been dodging my calls by having his family tell me that he wasn't home. But he's really been out a lot and he still pretty much hates my guts. I mean, we talked, but there was no emotion there... Rob and I have the relationship that I wanted to have with Adam after we broke up... but that will never happen. I also found out that Adam most likely won't be returning to Boston U. this fall... I feel guilty about that as well.

In other news, I've talked with some other friends as well and I have conclusively decided that I am the only virgin in the free world... of course, I'm exaggerating, but not by much... and what else is ironic is that I know more gay virgins than straight ones.... gay people are stereotypically supposed to be the sluts, but in my circle of friends, it would seem to go the other way... not that everyone who's not a virgin is a slut, but you know what I'm saying... but I must admit, I'm craving a man badly

Speaking of craving a man, there's a guy named Booney who's a red head living in Mississippi that sounds pretty interesting... actually, he sounds pretty darn nice ... and he said he sent me a picture: I can't wait to see it... I'll probably make plans to see him later this summer... or sooner this summer ... especially if he looks nice.

In yet other news, I really miss hanging around with Rob. I've talked to him at least one daily so that helps, but that can't compare with actual interaction.


Well, I got e-mail replied to through May 12th. Also, I got e-mail from Eric and we'll most likely meet tomorrow. A couple of excerpts from the e-mail he sent:

Regarding the night of our non-date (he was uncomfortable calling it a "date")

	At first, I must admit that I was distraught.  
All I could think was when do I get to go home.  But, towards 
the end, I was feeling much better.  Your really pretty cool, 
But I must say that I could pick you out in a crowd with no 
problem.  Your clothes, hair, and walk set you apart.  Not 
to be smart either.

	I also wanted to tell you that you only saw the
real me towards the end of our non-date.  I am really not 
all that I portrayed myself to be at the beginning.

	Well, I must get off this phone...  I am 
still nervous about the whole situation... I can't believe 
I was holding another guys hand Thursday... That is 
unbelievable, but true...
Some of that stuff was sweet... I think that I can break down his wall given a chance, and I think we're going to go to a park or something tomorrow afternoon. A picnic would be koool... but I'm not sure about the weather.

In other news, I talked with Rob tonight and he still misses me as much as I miss him.

May 21, 1995


Well, Eric wrote me to say that he's upset with what I wrote here about him and his looks. You know, this web site is getting me into trouble... first with Damon, now with Eric.

I'm not sure what to tell Eric. I never meant to hurt his feelings... in fact, I thought that wall was built up so high that no one could hurt him... but I guess I was wrong.

Hopefully, we're still going to meet later today... but I haven't heard from him yet. Life is so complicated... especially when everything you think is on-line... but don't worry, I'm not going to start censoring this...


Well, I just got back from another non-date with Eric.

We met at 4 o'clock in front of Circuit City. He got into my car and we started to drive around... with no destination. So we drove and drove, just talking and such. We eventually ended up at the Fayette Mall. When we walked in, I commented on how his walk wasn't as straight as he thought it to be. (He had one hand in his pocket and the other swang back and forth)

So we walked around the mall for a bit and eventually got back out to the car. I don't remember what exactly set him off, (perhaps my comment about his walking) but he clammed up. I quickly grew tired of the whole deal and pretty much just shut up myself. So we drove around some more and then went to Best Buy. When we were in there, Eric was talking, but I was not.

He eventually bought CorelDraw and some glossy paper for his printer.

We returned to the car and he suggested we go eat at McDonald's since I "have such a fascination with the place".

So we ate there and he made another comment about how gay I was, I told him that he was "Fucked up" and went to the bathroom. When I returned a little later, I ate in silence but he kept trying to make me laugh... he was failing miserably.

I finally told him that this was the time where he either said he was sorry and would try to open up to me or where he continued to make stupid jokes... he said he was sorry while laughing but it seemed sincere. So, I started talking once again. He commented on how easily I changed moods and then I told him that he should go with me to Richmond to meet my mom. --I'd mentioned going to Richmond before, but he didn't much like the idea.-- I told him that it would be another step in his coming out process and I was certain of how my mom would act... so we drove to Richmond.

When we got here, he played with my computer after meeting Mom. My brother was here as well and told me to put some naked women as my wallpaper. I told him that I didn't have any pictures he would like. He said something about anything but naked men and I left it at that.

So after playing with my computer for a while (and giving me some software) he said that he should be heading home. So we headed back to Lexington.

When we were at the outskirts of Lexington, I asked something about getting together for a date. He reluctantly said that he didn't find me sexually attractive when I pressured him about it. I told him that I also didn't think he was WonderStud, but could see something happening given a chance. I then asked something like, "Is it that I'm like a dog on a leash and you're a tree or is it that you're a tree with a fence around it?" Meaning was it just me or was he having trouble accepting the idea of dating guys in general. He said that he was just very selective.

Well, I was distraught (as he likes to say). I really hoped something would work out between us... and I couldn't help but remember at how distraught he was at the fact that I was writing about wanting to see Booney and remembering how he had written to say that he was "pretty cool" and how he was wanting to see me again. So I asked him about that.

We got to Circuit City but I told him not to get out of the car. We sat there for the next hour (at least) and discussed what exactly he was feeling. Turns out, he still hasn't accepted the fact that he's gay. He told me that he still wants to marry a female. I told him that if he wasn't gay, he wouldn't have written me. He told me that he is gay, but that he thinks he can repress it. I told him that it won't work and that I've received several e-mails from guys telling me how miserable they are now that they've married a female and have kids. So we talked and talked and talked. He eventually told me that he'd never had anyone to talk about feelings like those before. I told him that although I may not be his WonderStud, he should go out with me and see how it is. So the long and the short of it is, we're going to go on a date the week after this one coming up. (We're both going to be busy with other things this week.)

So, I asked him if I could give him a kiss on the cheek... as another sign of him accepting his gayness. He said okay if he could leave afterwards. So I kissed his cheek. But he didn't jump out of the car. He sat there for a few more minutes and then we parted ways. He said something about how the night once again picked up at the end (like last time) and got into his truck.

I then drove back to the video store, checked e-mail and started writing here.

I really feel for Eric and I have no idea how to make him believe that I know what he's going through. I know if he actually ends up marrying a female, he'll just end up destroying more lives. He said something about staying single forever, but what kind of life would that be?

So, at the very least, we've got a date coming up soon.

In other news, I finally got Jeff and Rob together today. Jeff went to Rob's a cappella concert and then they hung out afterwards. Rob says, "Jeff is nice, but he doesn't stand a chance of replacing you in my thoughts." So from that, and other things he wrote, I doubt they'll become romantic with each other, but at least Rob'll have someone to show the clubs and such. (Jeff offered to take Rob to Avalon tonight.)

May 23, 1995


Well, yesterday was pretty uneventful.

My koool straight friend Scott (who lets me call him "Furball" since he is really furry) stopped by the video store and we played with my computer for a while. He was really impressed by my web site and even looked at the Ultra Exclusive Art Page without flinching. (Yes, he's 100% straight... married, with a kid... but he's completely comfortable with me... He's actually said that he thinks me being gay is cool.)

A little later, I went to Sam's Club (a business members only warehouse) where I ended up buying a CD-ROM phone book. It is too koool. Two disks hold over 70 million phone numbers... I can look up people by their name, number, whatever. I had Norm's address, but not his phone number, so I entered the city and last name. It showed me the streets, so when I found the matching one, I clicked on it. There was his phone number. I then called him, but he wasn't home. I was amazed.

So, with that software $49.95 I also got the American businesses phone directory (which includes Just In Video) and a zip code finder. It's all too koool.

Today I haven't done much. I woke up and came to the video store. Here I packaged some videos that I'm sending to Rob. (Tapes of One Life To Live from two summers ago where there was a storyline about a gay teen coming to terms with himself.) It was that storyline on One Life To Live and the Fox TV movie Doing Time on Maple Drive that gave me the courage to come out... I remember having to set the VCR timer to record it every day and having to sneak to watch it. ... boy have times changed.

Anyway, I packed those up for him, took them to the post office, and then went to Goody's clothes store since I got a call from Curt, my friend in the Army. He said that he was going to come over and see me today, (He's stationed at Fort Knox now.) and I really didn't like the shirt I was wearing, so I bought a new one.

I don't know what he and I will do today. Most likely he'll want to go see Amanda, his ex- and a still close friend of mine, and just hang out.

I talked with Eric over e-mail a bit and he's still confused. I'm not quite sure what to do...

Speaking of Eric, though, I forgot to mention that he looked much better on our second meeting. I don't know if it was his nervousness that was making him so pale or what, but he definitely looked better on Sunday.


Well, Curt got here at around 4:45PM and we talked for a bit. We then drove around Richmond for a bit, just talking and him showing me his new car.

Eventually we ended up at Dairy Queen where he got a blizzard and I got a Mr. Misty Freeze. We talked about Amanda, about gay stuff, about how he was flirting with me (just as I like to annoy some of my straight friends by flirting with them, some of them like to annoy me by flirting with me), and about Amanda some more.

After finishing our drinks and talking for a while, we drove around in his car again. (Boy I spend a lot of time riding around in cars lately.) We ended up at Fazoli's Italian Restuarant in order to see Jarrod, the original recipient of The Letter To A Friend. Amanda had told me that he was a complete flame, so I wanted to see for myself. (Amanda and I had been by there a few times before, but he hadn't been working.) Anyway, we went inside and stood in line. Jarrod was working the backline, but Curt waved to him and he waved back. He then ducked to look under the heat light and waved to me.

So we got our food and sat down. After a bit, Jarrod came over and sat in a chair from the neighboring table and started talking to me. I noticed that he had sideburns, but other than that, nothing about him was overly gay.

We talked for a while... I asked him how he'd been. He said that he'd been working practically non-stop and not much else. He then went back to work.

A few minutes later, he came back and we talked some more. He eventually asked how I'd been. At first I told him that I had a 3.0GPA and then I mentioned how I'd been some bars but hadn't been drunk. I got a little braver and said how there were some male strippers there.

Nothing was said about the strippers, but he quickly got back to work. A few minutes later, though, he came back over and we talked some more. I asked some standard, "Seen any movies?/videos?/etc.?" questions. I then braved a little more and said, "Dated any lately?" and he said, no.

I then actually braved, "You still mad at me?" referring to how he told Amanda that he was mad at me for sending him that letter about him being gay, he said no, but I don't know why you think that. The intonation in his voice made that a question, so I quickly answered. I don't want to get into it; I know how easily you get mad. And that was that...

Someone spilt something, so he had to go back to work again. Curt and I sat there for a little longer then left, saying bye to him as we exited.

You know, it didn't occur to me at the time, but he seems very similar to Eric. Completely throwing himself into work for no apparent reason. I asked him why he needed so much money and he just said to save it. The more I think about it, Jarrod's personality almost completely matches Eric's. But Jarrod didn't act gay... and neither does Eric... well, at least Jarrod didn't act gay when I was around, but when I saw him behind the counter talking to a friend, he was throwing his wrists and acting much gayer. Curt said that he thought Jarrod was putting on an act for me. I think I agree... but he was darn good. I was actually wondering if he is indeed gay... but then after realizing the parallel between his and Eric's personality, I know that he is indeed gay.

Anyway, after Curt and I left Fazoli's, we came back to the video store and he decided that it was time for him to head back to Fort Knox.

I called Amanda to see if she was there so that he could stop by there for a second, but she wasn't. She was working in Lexington at Long John Silver's, so I gave him directions.

Anyway, he left and then I started writing here...

May 24, 1995


Well, this morning I cut up one of my credit cards... In my effort to get rid of some of them (I have five more.) I cut this one up and mailed a check for the final payment.

I came to town and ended up staying here since Mom left for a horse show at around 3:30PM.

While I was here, I answered a lot of e-mail... I actually got down to 47 so go ahead and email me at wouldn't want to run out.

At seven o'clock Amanda showed up for work. So I talked to her for about twenty minutes... relaying information that Curt had told me. He had told me that she told him that she had actually married Mike, her boyfriend. So I asked her, "Been to the courthouse lately?" And took it from there.

Turns out, I think she has. She would never confirm or deny it, but her face said that she did marry him... what a moronic move

After talking a little more about that, I left.

So I drove around for a bit, not having any real destination. When I got back, Amanda said that she'd been talking to Mike and she had to stop him from coming down (from Ohio) to "have a talk" with me. And that Mike wanted her to tell me to stop talking about Curt or else. Well, I'm not one who takes too lightly to being threatened... I have few things that actually make me mad, but being threatened is one of them.[mad face]

So I told her to tell him that I wasn't afraid of him at all, that I'd have no problem calling the police and having him locked up. She responded, "He said you'd be worth a night in jail."

Well, that just pushed my buttons even more... I told her that after calling the police, I'd call her mother and tell her how Amanda's been having sex, how she's married, how she's got several credit cards in order to take care of Mike's bills, etc.. She then tried to deny that she's married.

So a few seconds after that, I asked her, "Do you realize what you're saying? You're relaying threats from him to me. Does that not seem odd to you?" She didn't really know what to say... so I asked her if she really liked having a guy who was always threatening to beat up everyone else. She said yes, that he was her protector. I told her to wake up and smell the coffee.

She then tried to blame me for her breakup with Curt. And say that now she was happy. But now she's like a simple puppet... She ended up just leaving the store, saying "I'll be at home if you want to talk."

Ahhh... the cast of Justin's Life, almost more messed up than Marlena on Days of Our Lives who's actually been possessed by a demon for a good while now.

May 25, 1995


I spent almost the entire morning replying to e-mail and I have finally gotten caught up.

After that, I scanned some pictures which I'll add here later... right now, I'm suffering from computer burnout and thus, am going to sit back and watch Oprah

May 26, 1995


Well, today has been heart-racing. About ten minutes ago, I was on the phone yelling with some lady.

She called to say that she had a movie about a month late but that she was out of town, working until 12:15 tonight, so she wanted to know if we had a night drop. Little did she know, but Caller ID told me otherwise. It told me she was not at work; she was at home in Richmond. So I checked to see if I could find her account; I could not.

I got back on the phone and told her that yes, we have a night drop, and we hung up.

I then called her back and said, "I just wanted to let you know that we'll send you a bill." She was completely caught off guard and uttered a simple, "Okay."

A few seconds later, she called back and asked how much her bill was going to be. She told me the movie's name so I checked the computer. $60.48 plus tax. I told her but added that we'd probably only charge her $20. That was that and we hung up.

She then called back a few seconds after that and started complaining, saying that I said "may" whenever I said that we'd send her a bill for $20. I told her that I was being nice, that we could choose to charge her the entire $60. She said that she didn't want to bring back the movie and then be charged $60, that if we were going to charge her the $60, she would keep the movie. I told her that the $60 was not a purchase price for the movie, that she was paying to rent the movie.

So then we got into it. She started yelling and I yelled right back. She asked for my name, I said, "Justin Clouse, the owner."

So we yelled back and forth for a while. She told me that "this is not a good way to run a business." I told her, "I didn't ask for your advice." She then told me that she'd call her lawyer and the better business bureau. I actually responded, "Woo-woo." Like I said a couple of days ago, very little gets me mad, but being threatened is one thing that'll do it.

She ended with, "You'll be getting a call." I hung up.

Usually I'm as happy-go-lucky in real life as I am on these web pages. I'm nice and talk to customers for a good while... but when somebody calls up and starts off with a lie and then starts threatening me, well I don't see any reason to be nice.


She just came into the store as I was finishing that last sentence. I just knew it was her. She tried to be a smart ass again, but I managed to control my temper. She told me that he dad was a lawyer and she wanted the bill to take to her dad and the better business bureau. Kolor me scared... not...

What is she going to do? Say I was rude to her on the phone... as far as I know, that's not illegal.

She also asked how long she had to pay it. I told her that we didn't expect her to pay it. She responded that I told her that we took people to small claims court. I told her, "Not over one this small."

She tried to be smart right before walking out the door by saying, "You're the owner?" I simply said, "Yes."

... thought she was at work anyway...


Well, a cop came into the store and I thought I was going to have to do some explaining... but then I saw some videos in his hand... just a customer.

May 27, 1995


Well, a few minutes ago, I was working on the "Creating Superb Web Pages" page when I got to the part about recommending page servers. I'd previously gotten e-mail from Kevin, an internet acquiantance, who told me that I should try out for $5/hour to a toll free number instead of dialing long distance to my free account at BU. Anyway, so I was deciding which servers to recommend --Kevin said that let's you have a web page with unlimited access-- and I thought I'd try out his idea before actually recommending it to you. (What I won't do for you guys!) So I called up and subscribed... but then I had one heck of a time getting around... I couldn't figure out how to do anything... I mean, I'm sure if I played around with, I could get a handle on it, but if I'm going to recommend something to someone else, I really want to be happy with it; I am with They have the most user-friendly controls (aside from America Online) that I've ever seen. I can completely control my account from Netscape... and their support files are extensive and easily understood... anyway, enough praising of, my point was, in my classic fashion, I called up and subscribed to, charged $10, and then cancelled my account thirty minutes later. I spend so much money on things I don't really need/use/like/want... Oh well, I've spent way more for way less before...

A little later today, a potential buyer is coming to look at the video store. I'd like to sell it, but it's no big deal either way.

Also, Rob is going to Idaho for the week so I'm sure I'll miss him even more than I already do since he'll be more cut off from his computer (he's taking the laptop, though) and I won't be able to call as much. I bought him a little care package and sent it to Idaho earlier this morning. I warned him that it might bring up some questions from his family, getting a package from a guy while he's on vacation, but he said he didn't care.


Well, I just got through showing the store to the potential buyer. I couldn't really judge his reaction, but I don't think I'll be selling the store soon. I mean, I'm not much with a poker face, but he either has a good one, or doesn't want it.

In other news, I think I'll send Eric an e-mail and ask him if he wants to go do something tomorrow.


Well, I haven't yet sent Eric any e-mail about tomorrow, but I did just finish creating the New Picture Page which has several pictures of Chris and me (or is it "I"?... I never know. ). Now you're probably wondering, how come I'll put Chris's picture on my web site, but not any of the people I've dated. Well, truth is, there's no good reason. ... I guess part of it has to do with the fact that he'll never know this site exists. I mean, everyone I've dated knows about it... so I guess part of the reason is that there's no possible chance of confrontation.


I've decided that I can't create the "Creating Superb Wed Pages" page until I get back to Boston. There's just too much research that I'll need to do on-line.

May 28, 1995


Well, today Eric's gone over that imaginary line. It wasn't anything big in itself, but I'm just tired of playing games with him.

Yesterday or so, he FTP'ed me a picture of a red head that I'd originally sent to him to ask if that's what he looked like (before I left Boston). Anyway, I got this picture back and it was cropped just as I had cropped it, so no one else could have sent it. So I wrote him e-mail asking why he sent it, he responded:


>	It's like... There is more to me than meets the eye, 
>or any sense for that matter...  I have intentions for 
>everything I do, and therefore... try and figure it out...
>	It like... You can only see people's intentions if 
>their mental capacity is below yours... Therefore, I am sure 
>you'll never understand.. *smile*
>But that is true about "belowe yours..."

        I'm tired of playing games with you. I'm tired of 
being insulted. You're just not worth it. I'm not in a bad 
mood today. I rarely even get in bad moods so that's not 
the explanation.
        So, what I'm saying is, whenever you want to talk, 
be sincere, open up, let me know. Before then, I have no 
desire to communicate with you (e-mail or otherwise). I'm 
not trying to be smart, just letting you know the truth.

And that's the truth, I'm tired of hearing that I'm just a moron and he's so smart. He may be smart, but communication skills count for a big deal in this word. Aside from his blatant rudeness, his grammar leaves something to be desired. I've heard "He don't..." countless times. And while I'm sure that is a result of growing up in rural Kentucky, corporations don't usually take upbringing into consideration. Of course, that could just be my communications major coming through, but I do remember how everyone thought I was stupid when I got to Boston because of my slight Kentucky accent.

And I'm not just trying to trash him here... I'm just making the point that he thinks he is so smart and the rest of the world is stupid. I mean, I know my ego is a little big, but it is nothing compared to his.

In much happier news, today I bought 4 megs of RAM for my computer and it's running faster. However, I did get a Best Buy credit card in order to pay for it.

1:47AM Technically May 29, 1995

After I left here, I went out to see Amanda. We then went to Wal-Mart just to walk around and such. While we were there, though, we passed a guy who grabbed Amanda and said, "Aren't you even going to speak?" She said that she didn't recognize me and then they started talking. Well, a few minutes later, I said something about how Amanda had apparently forgotten her introduction skills. She said, "What? You know him. This is Jamie, remember?" I was shocked. Jamie was a guy that was after me right after the end of senior year and he was a complete flame. He had sort of that hairdresser look. (And by that, I mean, he was tan and had poofy hair... you know, don't act like you don't.) I was completely uninterested in him for that fact and the fact that Amanda said that he was a slut as well.

Anyway, we talked for a good while and it was such a great feeling to actually talk person-to-person again to someone who's comfortable being gay. I miss that interaction so much.

So we talked for about thirty minutes then went our separate ways. I could hang out with Jamie, (Amanda says he's changed.) but I doubt I will.

In suckier news, I got and responded to the following e-mail from Eric:

Subject: RE: metux.jpg mewhite.jpg


>	How long ago were those pictures taken??  You look 
>alot diffenent in them.  I don't know what it is, but you 
>look really good in the metux.jpg.  It's like, put on a tux, 
>and we'll go out tomorrow...

        Is this your attempt to be civil or did you just not get my
other message?
        If you are trying to be civil, were you sincere about going
out tomorrow? (I'm not wearing a tux, though *smile*)
        But, be forewarned, I'm not going to take any shit from you
if we do go out.... well, not much shit at least *grin*

I don't know whether he got my e-mail before sending that letter or not since in the past he sometimes hasn't gotten mail for 5 or 7 hours after I sent it. Who knows, but I've delayed uploading this entry just so that he won't be affected by my writings.

I ran Netscape 1.1 a few minutes ago and boy has the RAM made a difference. It was so much nicer to have pages load quickly. Before, I hated using Yahoo because the complete listing would never come through until about the third reload. But tonight with 8 megs of RAM, it and every other page loaded completely the first time... and much more quickly. If I'd known there would be this much improvement, I would have bought the RAM long ago... if you're still using just 4 megs of RAM because you don't won't to shell out $175, you're missing a lot.

It's late and I want to go home, but I'd really like to hear a response from that e-mail to Eric. I checked and he's on-line now.

May 29, 1995


Well, I waited around here until about 2:30AM just to see if Eric was going to write back. He never did. So I guess he didn't get that message about me being upset. Anyway...

Today I worked here at the video store until about 4PM and answered a ton of e-mail. Sometimes I don't know how I do it all.

Tonight I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm bored and alone. I don't think September will ever come.


As I was getting ready to upload this page, I got an e-mail from Eric which was a response to that second one above. It read, "What?" So I guess he didn't get my first message. I resent the original one...


Well, his response to the message was "UH??? NO!!!" So I wrote back, "So???" If he writes back "So what", that's it...

May 30, 1995


Well, Eric didn't write back with "So what"; he answered "..........................." Yeap, nothing but a row of dots...


In much happier news, I think I may have found that gay guy to hang around with while I'm here in Kentucky. Amanda stopped by the store a little while ago and told me that she and I were going to dinner tomorrow night. I said okay.

We then got in her car since I was going to ride with her to the grocery store and she told me that Jamie (the guy from Wal-Mart the other night) had asked her if the two of us would want to go out to eat tomorrow night, his treat.

I asked Amanda if she knew what he was doing and she replied, "Yeah, but at least I get a free meal out of it."

So while I still don't want him sexually, I would be glad to have another gay guy to hang out with over the summer. As always, I'll let you know how it goes.

In other news, Rob's been keeping in touch with me from Idaho through e-mail. He still says he's planning on visiting Kentucky sometime. I would really like to see him... hopefully, it would go better than it did with Jeff.

May 31, 1995


Well, Eric's not to happy about what I've written here. He says I slant things, so here's exactly what he said:


	Why must you criticize me so that the whole world 
can see???  I haven't said a word about you to anyone, much 
less a bad word, but you insist on putting me down to anyone, 
and everyone.

	This is the way it is... If you must continue to 
let your feelings about me flow freely on your website, then 
I guess I have no problem with that, but this only allows for 
one side of the story, and therefore isn't completely true.  
And we all know how you claim to be so true and honest.

	I don't appreciate how you criticize my grammer either.  
I told you from the start that I wasn't the best in grammer, 
but you insist on making me out to be a 'know it all' that 
doesn't even know his grammer. You know, you may think you are 
great at communication, but the fact is you can't formulate a 
message to be effective at all.  I am sorry that I am not the 
personality you wanted, but, you are not exactly what I am in 
the market for either.  I couldn't show affection to you 
because there was no attraction.  I am sure that I would have 
no problem holding hands, kissing, or doing anything with 
someone that I am attacted to, but just couldn't bring myself 
to participate with you.  I do feel sorry that you have no one 
to talk to, but I just can't make myself become attracted to 
you.  I am sure you are cool and all, but you know how it is.  

	The fact of the whole matter is that you are rude, in 
fact, more rude than me.  Anyone who just goes and starts 
expressing their feelings about someone for the whole world to 
see is just plainly rude.  As far as I am concerned, my name on 
your website means nothing to anyone except what they can conjure 
up in their imagination, and therefore means nothing to me, and 
more than likely, nothing to them.  This whole thing with making 
friends on the Internet is really screwed.  I had you made out 
completely different than you are, and vice versa.  You see, this 
whole Internet "friends" deal is all a game. 

	I don't want to just alienate you, but I do want you to 
understand where I am coming from, so that you don't just try 
to figure out where I am coming from, which would lead you astray.  
I want to be your friend, but that goes both ways.  You can't 
just go and write something undesirable about me on your website, 
and then expect me to come running back to you and saying I am 
sorry, that just doesn't work. I have been a friend to you, I am 
unruly at times, but have yet to deform your charactor to anyone.  
Sad, but you just can't say the same.  I have many friends that 
don't do that, and don't expect anyone else to do that.

Well, I guess I will leave it with that.

So there... that's what he wrote. How can he "deform my character" when he hasn't even told anyone that I exist? And I don't understand what he means with "If you must continue to let your feelings about me flow freely on your website..." I thought he was out of my life. I told him that I wasn't going to take any more of this and I meant it. If he wants to be friendly, that's fine, but I refuse to be in an abusive relationship/friendship/whatever.

I was more upset by other e-mail I got this morning... I think reading letter after letter from guys that are much older than me and still not out is taking its toll. I feel so bad for these guys. I know what they're going through... but I don't think they're ever going to get off the track they're on. I think they're going to live their entire lives miserable and alone. I don't want that, but I feel helpless in convincing them otherwise. I mean, with writing e-mail to me, they're making a step... so I definitely want them/you to continue writing. I'll do my best to help you out.

In slightly better news, I'm still planning on going out with Amanda and Jamie tonight. Maybe that'll cheer me up.

12:28AM Technically June 1, 1995

Well, Amanda and I left here at around six o'clock to go to Sam's Club so that I could buy some popcorn for the video store. We got there, bought the popcorn, then headed back to her house.

She changed clothes and as we were walking out the door, the phone rang; it was Mike, her boyfriend.

So she talked to him for a bit, saying "What's wrong?" countless times. We then stopped by the video store, unloaded the popcorn, and headed for Jamie's apartment, which is about 60 seconds away.

We went in, I met his roommate who offered me a beer, and then we headed to Red Lobster.

While we ate, we talked about things like his parents' acceptance of him, school memories, and just basic getting to know more about you stuff. It was a nice dinner with a secure gay guy... haven't had one of those in forever.

He payed[sic] the $44 check and we headed back to Amanda's house. When we got there, though, a message from Mike was waiting on the answering machine.

Amanda said "He's mad" even though he didn't say anything to that effect and his voice sounded normal to me. She then started crying. --She is so messed up.

So we all go downstairs for about two minutes. She then left to call Mike. Jamie and I sat there for the next hour and a half watching Roseanne and PrimeTime Live. She eventually came back downstairs, still teary-eyed, to say that she'd managed to convince Mike that she'd only introduced Jamie and I and that she went to Lexington to buy popcorn for the store. She also said that the problem was that Mindy had talked with Mike and tried to convince him that Jamie and I are not gay, but straight and wanting Amanda.

After telling us that, Amanda told me to go along with her story if Mike asked me; I told her no, that I was going to tell him the truth and that if she didn't like it, she'd better beat me to it. There's no reason to have to worry about what she's doing 24 hours a day. If she wants to go out with her friends, she should be able to without Mike tracking her down and throwing jealous rages. AGRHHHHH!!!

Anyway, after that, we went to her car and back to Jamie's apartment. I was in the back seat so she raised her seat in order to let me out. I asked, "Why are you letting me get in the front seat when we're only going two minutes away?" She said that she assumed I was staying there. Well, I really wasn't sure what to do, so I said that I'd stay at Jamie's until midnight. (It was 11:20-ish at the time.)

Amanda then left and we went inside to watch Bevis and Butthead. We talked a little but really didn't say all that much. After B & B went off at midnight, I said, "Well, I guess you can drive me back to my car now." So he drove me to the store and I started writing this.

But before I got out of the car, I told him that he could give me a call sometime. He said that he didn't know my phone number, so I gave it to him... then as I was getting out of the car, he said he'd call me probably next week.

So, while I don't find Jamie sexually attractive, I think I'll now have someone with whom I can hang out. I was hoping to have that sort of relationship with Eric, but I guess that just wasn't meant to be.

Click here to go to June

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