| Sometimes in life you get
something you didn't exactly want. Maybe you're just a little different
from what seems like everyone else. Maybe you're left handed, maybe
you're flat footed, or maybe you're gay. Granted, being left handed
isn't a big deal now, but it used to be. Even in our parents' generation,
people were made to write with their right hand because the left hand
was considered evil. But now being left handed will maybe set you
back a little in life, maybe you'll have a few difficulties, a few
obstacles, but you can get around them. But being gay is the same
thing, you'll have a few difficulties and obstacles, but you can get
You can be happy, really
happy. You can have friends that know you're gay and don't harass
you. You can have lots of friends that will accept you for who you
are. Believe it or not, one day your parents will accept it. But
all you see is the negative side of being gay. Queer jokes, negative
comments, from everyone, including your parents.
So you think you can
fool everyone by going out with some girls. But each time you're
afraid something's going to happen on your date that's going to
make you feel uncomfortable. Deep down, you know who you are but
you just can't admit it to anyone. So you go out with girls, but
you make it not work. You then set the unattainable goal so everyone
will think you're straight and stop harassing you about going out.
No one's good enough. With me, it was no one had enough morals.
No one was quite pure enough. But it was still that I was setting
the unattainable goal. It doesn't work, though. The only person
you're fooling is yourself. I've been there.
But lying to everyone
makes you feel trapped. It's like you're smothering and you can't
get out. It's like society is forcing you into a mold that you just
don't fit. But you don't have to change to fit the mold. There are
other people out there that don't fit the mold either. You're just
so scared that the whole world will turn on you. But they won't,
I won't, and others won't. In fact, of all the people I've told,
that know for a fact, not one has ever rejected me.
I am gay. It took me
so long to be able to say that. But I can say it. I can joke about
it. But, now I'm secure in who I am.
But I've been where
you are. Everyone, the movies, t.v., show gays as being sissies
or child molesters or sexual deviants. But you aren't like that,
you're a normal guy who happens to be gay. But from what you've
seen and heard, those kinds of people don't exist. But they do,
and you don't notice them as being different and neither does anyone
else, unless you're looking. -- I knew you were gay when I told
you that I'm gay, back in tenth grade. You've probably got this
sixth sense. You can probably tell who's gay and who isn't. If not
now, you'll have it later.
And you just want to
go away to the big city, to New York, to Los Angeles, to Europe.
Anywhere that gay people are accepted, anywhere that you won't be
an outcast. For me, it was New York, I told my parents that I wanted
to go to college there, but I just really wanted to go there where
I could be who I am. Why do you think I got accepted to college
a year early? It wasn't because I wanted to further my education
quickly. It was because I wanted to get out. Be free from the closed
mindedness of Richmond. But then Chris and I became friends and
I focused all my energy on him. I didn't worry about sexuality.
I did "best friend things" with him and it was enough. I was scared
about going off to college in New York, I worried about the college
being Catholic, and I wanted to stay for Chris, so I didn't go.
But, now in two and
a half weeks, I'm going to Boston University and it's like heaven
on earth. Just from two days at Orientation I know I will be absolutely
happy there. For example, after only knowing these people for four
hours, I just sat there and said "I'm gay". They said okay, and
for the next day and a half, we just hung out. They could have cared
less that I was gay. They still touched me, they still talked with
me, it was exactly the same. And before I went to Orientation, I'd
been writing with a gay student advisor for the program, so when
I got there several of the other student advisors (juniors & seniors
volunteers) knew who I was and said stuff like "Andy's really looking
forward to seeing you." and "I've heard so much about you." I had
no idea who these people were, but they knew me, they knew Andy's
gay, and they knew I was his friend. I was sure that if Andy hadn't
told them directly, they could put 2 and 2 together to realize that
I'm gay. And once again, I couldn't have cared less. -- And I know
you're staying here, but you still don't have to hide. Granted,
everything won't be as great as in Boston, but you can still be
And before, you've
thought about killing yourself, but you really don't want to kill
yourself. You just want to make it look like you want to kill yourself.
You want to make it look real, just real enough to get a lot of
attention, but you don't want to kill yourself. You've still got
some glimmer of hope of living a happy life. Believe me, I was there
too. I thought about wrecking my car, but then that would cost a
lot of insurance, and if I wore my seatbelt, like I always do, I
wouldn't get hurt enough to get the attention I wanted, enough for
people to ask what my problem was. If I didn't wear my seatbelt,
it would look like something was up.
You've thought about
running away, but you don't know where to go. You don't know where
to go so that you won't be found. You've thought about leaving you're
parents a note and not coming home until they can signal that they're
O.K. with you're being gay. I know you have. I have, but for one
reason or another something wouldn't work exactly right.
But I can't say all
that you've thought or all you've done, I'm not you. I know you're
beyond some of these thoughts now, but I know you thought them before.
I'm writing to let you know that you are not alone, that everything
will be okay.
I'm not asking for
a reply. I just want to help you.